It’s become the most frequently asked question on the road, at church, on-line. Surpassing “How did you and Becky meet?” and “Is that your real hair color?” and “What’s Ann Voskamp like in real life?”
“How is the adoption going?” everyone asks.
And my mind gets jammed with too-long answers. And I filter out what our agency has asked us not to share with the general public for now. And after a few seconds I finally settle on the vague and probably unsatisfying “Good. It’s going well. Thank you for asking.”
But it’s more complicated than that. Anything involving human beings – especially short ones – is. Short ones who’ve been moved halfway around the world can be more complicated still.
S refuses to eat food from his country now. Should I mourn this as a loss of culture and a shift of his loyalty to ours? Or celebrate that grocery shopping just got a lot easier?
He asks questions he knows the answers to…constantly. Is he overly inquisitive? Attempting to forge a conversation and connection the only way he knows how? Or has a massive brain tumor taken out his short term memory?
He’s constantly told by total strangers that he’s cute and funny and he is. But is he entertaining to earn love, to make sure he is liked and will never be given up? Or is he the next Beiber or Barak – naturally charismatic?
I’m uncertain and conflicted so much of the time. I think he is too. And this will get better and better, we’re told, but normal is gone forever.
Beneath “Good. It’s going well.” is what one adoptive dad and friend of ours has described as a low hum. Persistent neediness. New skills required of us. New levels of attentiveness, patience, compassion, optimism. New questions have to be asked.
And, our friend says, this hum doesn’t go away. Ever. It gets better at times, he says, but it will always be there. It’s this constant feeling of unfamiliarity, a seismic shift in normal.
Yes, we’re good. S is good. It’s going well. But, no, life isn’t and never will be how it was before. The hum is here to stay. But so is block stacking, playing cricket, funny new words for bodily functions, that laugh like Ernie’s, long prayers before lights out every night, rolled r’s, dreams about chocolate and on and on. On top of the hum is so much good, so much joy-giving good, so much to love.
On a particularly exhausting defeating day it took an eight year-old’s homework assignment to remind me of that.
I’m so glad we adopted S too.
Megan says:
I don’t know where I’ve been, but I missed the memo that you adopted a child! WOW! That’s awesome. And I’m sure a bunch of other things as well, but still…awesome.
Jennifer says:
Shaun-
This post made me think of Jen Hatmaker’s recent post on where they are in settling in their two new little ones (5 & 7 from Ethiopia) now that the balloons from the airport have deflated- Incredible perspective: http://www.jenhatmaker.com/blog/2011/09/06/after-the-airport
Praying for you all right now.
kit says:
that was REALLY good! thanks for sharing that post for us all!
kit says:
oh wow, that 3rd grade paper is a keeper for sure!!
(ps, your 3rd grade son’s writing is better than my 3rd grade son’s is ๐ )
ann a says:
He’s probably writing better than most third graders. That was a really good paper! ๐ I agree!
Amy says:
Gosh. Adoption and foster care are near to my heart and your family is always in my prayers. I know the local red tape, I imagine international red tape is much more difficult.
Lindsay says:
Praying for all six of you. I’m so glad you adopted S, too. ๐
MainlineMom aka Sarah says:
I can’t even tell you how much this warms my heart and wets my eyes. If you happen to think of it and have a spare minute, pray my husband would take that final step of faith and agree that we should expand our family by adoption.
And by the way it was SO great meeting you the other night, if only for a few minutes. Your music was phenomenal and 36!!! kids sponsored! Photos and video from that night coming soon ๐
Kelly @ Love Well says:
This made my heart smile.
(My husband stopped eating Korean food shortly after he arrived in America. Maybe because his early childhood was so traumatic, he has no qualms about identifying himself in every way as an American.)
(Except he does love rice. Being Irish myself, I don’t understand why potatoes aren’t his comfort food.)
Prairie Rose says:
I’ve had a four-year-old foster child since February and ask so many of the same questions all the time. Everything she does I analyze… is this because she’s four or is this because of what’s happened in her past?? A real charmer, others think she’s just sweet and loving and adorable, and I say nothing, only sit and think, is she manipulating them to earn what she perceives as love? is she overly friendly with strangers because she doesn’t have a secure attachment? how do I FIX this?
Glad I’m not the only one that analyzes everything their new child does and sees so much neediness where others think all is well…
Zoรซ says:
Reading about all this has inspired me. I had only ever considered adoption from abroad at a distance, as if it was a theoretical question. You’ve changed my views.
Your music inspires me. Music is always in my head and currently the songs are all yours.
Just wanted you to have some encouragement that even when you are not aware of it, your words and actions are having an impact.
Also, my boy asks the same questions over and over because he likes to hear the same answer. It is reassuring. I’d imagine being relocated to the other side of the world into a different culture might create that too – not in a bad way, but in a good way. Things are good for S now, but how does he know they’ll stay that way? Maybe asking the same questions and getting the same answers is reassuring for him in the same way that it is for my son? Maybe refusing to eat food from the past is his little way of trying to make sure the past is gone and things stay ‘good’, as they are now?
Grace and peace (and patience!) to you all. You’re in my prayers.
jenny says:
I can’t imagine how hard adoption must be on some levels, while at the same time so fulfilling. Reading your post made me think of when I accepted Jesus and was adopted into God’s family. Some of the hard things you shared, I can see from my own life. Asking God a million times, do you really love me? Doing things contrary to the family, sometimes again and again. Missing my “old” family even though I shouldn’t considering all the pain sin caused me.
I’m praying that as you go through these next days, weeks, and months that God pours out all that your sweet family needs! Adoption is one beautiful picture of God that we get to replicate here.
JD says:
What a beautiful and thought provoking perspective… thank you for sharing!
CariK says:
Normal’s not gone…..it’s just different….good different…hard different, for sure…but good different! Praying for you my cyber-friend!
Melissa says:
And a little child shall lead them…you have one sweet eight year old! Prayers for your family!
Michael Patterson says:
Parenting an adopted child is so much more difficult than we were prepared for. Can you really prepare? We have been stunned by interactions from well meaning strangers. We had to ask the checker at Lowes to please stop calling herself grandma to Daniela and saying, “come give grandma a kiss.” Life is already confusing enough for our daughter who is still trying to figure out what family is and has lost more than I have in 48 years. An elderly woman in the grocery store recently approached my wife and said, “oh she’s so cute” and tried to hand Daniela $2. On another occasion a woman in a parking lot asked where Daniela is from. We told her. She turned and yelled across the parking lot to her husband “She’s from Haiti” then turned and said, “I’ve always wanted a brown baby.” Weird and awkward. Daniela is an entertainer and tries (successfully) to endear herself to everyone she meets because she still isn’t sure who is really permanent in her life. Adoption is complicated, and hard. I’m glad your child has been embraced by a family (& extended family) who understands the challenges so well.
RaD says:
As someone who hopes to adopt in the near future, I’ve been particularly wondering how your kids are doing. I know that a new addition that requires a lot of time is an adjustment for all. Praying for your new normal to continue to grow all you in God! I can’t wait until we embark on our own amazing journey.
Jason says:
Children have such an awesome way of showing us “adults” a better view of things.