I spent some much needed time in the book of James this morning reminding myself how peace is broken and made.
Yesterday, my oldest and youngest got into a spat. The oldest hates conflict and will do anything to make it stop. And she did. She gave in to the crying and foot stomping of my youngest. Not because she was wrong – she wasn’t – but just to make the noise stop.
That’s not peace.
I was at a marriage conference once and heard a couple claim from stage that they never fight. Well, she said they never fight. “Right, honey?” she asked in front of the crowd. “Yes,” he said, staring at his feet. As the morning went on I noticed a trend in their stories of marital bliss and realized that she always won and he always lost.
That’s not peace.
In college there was a roommate spat over rent. One guy wouldn’t pay his share and was sticking the rest of us with it. One night the that guy got drunk, drunk enough to puke and pass out. Another roommate took his picture, naked in the bathroom floor in a pool of purple vomit, and threatened to send it to the guy’s mom if he didn’t start paying. There was no more fighting about rent.
That’s not peace.
Peace making is never the easiest route. It’s not the absence of conflict but often requires it. It’s rarely arrived at without some sacrifice on all sides. And it can’t be coerced, brokered by mandate or force.
Peace making starts at the root of conflict: with me, my desires and my relationship with God.
What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? – James 4:1
Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. – James 4:7-12
Peace making then moves out from my private desires and relationship with God to addressing my public behavior, specifically how I’ve failed to love others.
Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor? -James 4:11-12
Slander and judgement aren’t the only bad behavior capable of disturbing the peace. Everything from eye rolling and gossip to passive aggression to fist fights get their start in the primordial ooze of my desires and broken relationship with God and have the potential to decimate my relationship with others.
“We are not at peace with others because we are not at peace with ourselves, and we are not at peace with ourselves because we are not at peace with God” – Thomas Merton
So how do we make real peace?
- Self-Examination
Dealing head on with the desires in me that are the root of our conflict. - Prayer & Community
Examining before God and in community where those desires came from. - Confession
Confessing the broken places in my life and my relationship with God that feed those wrong desires. Confessing the bad behavior those desires led to. - Forgiveness
Seeking and receiving forgiveness from those I’ve hurt. - Repentance
Turning away from those old destructive desires and their resultant bad behaviors and toward their opposites. - Fast & Fully
Doing all of this quickly and thoroughly so that no bitter root grows up and so fractures Christian community that others can’t see Christ in us. - Moving On
Refusing to replay and ruminate on the past. This is most difficult for me when I think I’ve done the work of peace making but peace has not been reached. It’s then that judgment and pride are easily fed in me and the cycle of wrong desire and bad behavior has a chance to begin again. But Paul writes: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18) and “Make every effort to live in peace with everyone…” (Hebrews 12:14).
That’s the long arduous painful humbling and only way to peace I know.
I needed the reminder from James this morning. How about you?
Nellie Dee says:
I love the quote from Thomas Merton. Funny how often I give in to keep peace. I just saw my step-daughter doing the same thing last night. Her sister wanted her to straighten her hair even though she needed to get to bed so she could get up by 4:00 a.m. for work. She tends to give in to keep peace as well. I’ll have to make a copy of your blog to show her. Also, to review the steps. I’m thinking there’s a whole lot more to be discovered within each of those steps. Thanks for posting.
Inkling says:
Thanks for this post. It was totally timely and desperately needed.
In an attempt to restore real peace and expose the “fake” peace that was happening, I opened my mouth and heart a few weeks ago to a friend. The result was anything but peaceful, and the impact was far reaching. In a word, it’s currently a mess. So I’ve been praying for God to soften my heart and help me let go of the “but I’m right!” attitude, and then asking Him to give me the words and the courage to try to restore real peace once again.
I’ve been reading books and asking for lots of practical advice, but this post is the best in a nutshell by far. Thanks for that!
Cathy says:
I have to admit Shaun, this is really hard for me today. I’ve been divorced from my husband for a little over 3 years now. He was abusive, controlling, and he cheated on me (all of which he denies because he is a pastor and that would “ruin his ministry”). I tried for 11 years to “hang in there”. We tried counseling with 3 different counselors to no avail. Finally when I felt there was no other choice I left and filed for a divorce.
Obviously there’s no quick fix to the kind of destruction this has created in my life. I can honestly say I have done everything you said, except I was never successful with the last step – moving on. He has continued to pursue and harass me since the divorce. He throws God into it every time because I made a “vow before God”. I have let Satan use that to keep me in bondage for three years. I have tried to see if we could reconcile but every time he will be kind for a few weeks and then the abusive, controlling nature would come out. Finally I told him I was done for good and he needed to leave me alone. He has continued for months since then to call, text, and e-mail.
Just today I blocked his cell from sending me texts or calling my number. I set up a filter on my e-mail and I blocked his number from my home phone. I will still have to ignore his calls at work and he knows that so he will continue to call. So despite my best efforts, you’re right. It’s still not peace.
The quote “We are not at peace with others because we are not at peace with ourselves, and we are not at peace with ourselves because we are not at peace with God” really hit me hard. So now I’m questioning myself again. Should I try again? But then I go back to the definition of insanity. How many times will this cycle replay itself? What are the chances that this time will be different when the last 12 were exactly the same?
No. What I want is to move on with my life. I am at peace with myself and with God. I just don’t think it is possible for me to be at peace with him. I’ve given him too much of my life. Years I can never get back. I won’t waste any more of myself searching for a peace that may never come.
[sorry for the book, but I feel better now! Bet you’ll rethink the 3000 character limit 🙂 ]
Shaun Groves says:
There’s no peace because SOMEONE was selfish, SOMEONE was not at peace with God or themselves. Not necessarily you.
As much as it depends upon YOU, live at peace with others.
That said…
It takes a great deal of honesty, community, counseling sometimes to figure out if I bear any blame in any given conflict – to see all sin as equal and to discover my own part in a conflict that seems one-sided to me and to everyone else.
Praying both of you find more and more peace.
Cathy says:
I re-read my post and I realized that I did make it sound like it was all him. Obviously it wasn’t (it never is) and obviously there is some bitterness still on my part that hasn’t been dealt with. The “what could I have done differently” and “could we make this work” questions haunt me, which is why I have still communicated with him for three years after our divorce, and likely why I haven’t sought another relationship.
Thank you for the reply and the prayers.