Shaun Groves
I spent some much needed time in the book of James this morning reminding myself how peace is broken and made.
Yesterday, my oldest and youngest got into a spat. The oldest hates conflict and will do anything to make it stop. And she did. She gave in to the crying and foot stomping of my youngest. Not because she was wrong – she wasn’t – but just to make the noise stop.
That’s not peace.
I was at a marriage conference once and heard a couple claim from stage that they never fight. Well, she said they never fight. “Right, honey?” she asked in front of the crowd. “Yes,” he said, staring at his feet. As the morning went on I noticed a trend in their stories of marital bliss and realized that she always won and he always lost.
That’s not peace.
In college there was a roommate spat over rent. One guy wouldn’t pay his share and was sticking the rest of us with it. One night the that guy got drunk, drunk enough to puke and pass out. Another roommate took his picture, naked in the bathroom floor in a pool of purple vomit, and threatened to send it to the guy’s mom if he didn’t start paying. There was no more fighting about rent.
That’s not peace.
Peace making is never the easiest route. It’s not the absence of conflict but often requires it. It’s rarely arrived at without some sacrifice on all sides. And it can’t be coerced, brokered by mandate or force.
Peace making starts at the root of conflict: with me, my desires and my relationship with God.
What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? – James 4:1
Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. – James 4:7-12
Peace making then moves out from my private desires and relationship with God to addressing my public behavior, specifically how I’ve failed to love others.
Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor? -James 4:11-12
Slander and judgement aren’t the only bad behavior capable of disturbing the peace. Everything from eye rolling and gossip to passive aggression to fist fights get their start in the primordial ooze of my desires and broken relationship with God and have the potential to decimate our relationships with other.
“We are not at peace with others because we are not at peace with ourselves, and we are not at peace with ourselves because we are not at peace with God” – Thomas Merton
So how do we make real peace?
- Self-Examination
Dealing head on with the desires in me that are the root of our conflict. - Prayer & Community
Examining before God and in community where those desires came from. - Confession
Confessing the broken places in my life and my relationship with God that feed those wrong desires. Confessing the bad behavior those desires led to. - Forgiveness
Seeking and receiving forgiveness from those I’ve hurt. - Repentance
Turning away from those old destructive desires and their resultant bad behaviors and toward their opposites. - Fast & Fully
Doing all of this quickly and thoroughly so that no bitter root grows up and so fractures Christian community that others can’t see Christ in us. - Moving On
Refusing to replay and ruminate on the past. This is most difficult for me when I think I’ve done the work of peace making but peace has not been reached. It’s then that judgment and pride are easily fed in me the cycle of wrong desire and bad behavior has a chance to begin again. But Paul writes: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18) and “Make every effort to live in peace with everyone…” (Hebrews 12:14).
That’s the long arduous painful humbling and only way to peace I know.
I needed the reminder from James this morning. How about you?
kristie says:
THANK YOU! Been having discussions with “big sister” around here about peace making as well. Even though it’s a “long, arduous, painful, and humbling” process, thank you for putting it in a step-by-step plan. It’s easier to hang on a poster on the fridge that way. (We’re fridge-schoolers). 🙂
Ian says:
Why have peace, when I can get my own way?
Very provoking post. Thanks.
Kim says:
James is such a tough chapter to read. It makes one have to think, and ruminate and EE GADS, change! Thanks for the reminder that we all need to delve into James as much as we can.
Kristi Yeoman says:
This is God speaking to me and you are his vessel. I hunger for peace within and surrounding my life. And, it certainly is.. long, arduous, painful, and humbling. I get discouraged, scared sometimes even, so I start to think backwards. When I start to move backwards, God steps in, at just the right moment to reveal that what I’m wanting is not His will for me. I wouldn’t be moving backwards to begin with if it weren’t for impatience. And, without patience, I find it nearly impossible to find peace.
Thank you for being a vessel. I remain in respect of you very much, Mr. Groves. You are a beacon.
jen says:
No kidding, while I was reading this two of my children said some unkind words to one another and instead of saying sorry just went their own ways. I got to share with them (again) about making peace. Thanks for today’s inspiration!
Nice list!
Also I love the book of James – not because it’s easy but because it speaks right to me right where I’m at.
Lindsay says:
This is such an important message for the Church today. This is such an important message for me today. This is such an important message for the world, as evidenced by Jesus’ prayer for us in John 17.
JessicaB says:
Asking forgiveness is definitely a big ole humble pill to swallow.
I had an interesting encounter with peace making recently.
I got an email from a woman I went to church with a few years and states ago. She asked my forgiveness for her attitude towards me way back then said the holy spirit had convicted her and pointed her again and again to my blog.
Her and I were acquaintances at best, and had never had a confrontation or argument before, and had since settled into the status of “facebook friends” as we both moved on from that church and state. So, until she brought it up, I hadn’t really analyzed and realized that there wasn’t peace between us.
But now I realize her attitude 4 years ago actually had been affecting how I felt about her in the now.
And now, something I hadn’t realized was even there, has been lifted.
Peace is weird.
I’m thankful that she was brave enough to come back and ask forgiveness so that the holy spirit could convict me that I did have a couple of bitter roots that I needed to weed.
Spencer says:
Geez Louise… that’s exactly what I needed to hear from God at this point in my relationship with my wife. Some very difficult times right now in our marriage, and there is currently no peace in our marriage. Thanks for the encouragement, and could use some prayer.
Tony Alicea says:
Whoa, this was so good Shaun. I believe the key is where you started at self-examination. So many times we try to address symptoms, but until we address the root of the conflict, we will never know peace.
meghan @ spicy magnolia says:
I have been reading James a lot lately, mostly because of my need to tame my tongue. There is a promise in James about sowing peace that is hopeful and so worth the humbling pain of making peace: “peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.” Wow!
Katie says:
The part that hit me the most was that in order for peace to exist, conflict must happen first.
Katie
Princess Leia says:
Thanks for pointing out that peace begins with _ME_ – seeking out the roots of the conflict and confessing any sin in ME, LONG prior to any “confrontation.” So often the confrontation happens in the middle of hurt and erupts because I don’t even really understand why it hurts so much.
Jason says:
Brilliant, Shaun…what a great teaching. Thank you so much for sharing it with us.
mo says:
Excellent teaching! thank you. I love how you bring conflict with others back to work we need to do ourselves with God.
great theme too!
misty says:
Wow. James…way to hit me with that! James is my favorite book of the Bible. It is also the book that often times smacks me upside the head when it is most needed.
Especially the part about MY own desires causing the fights and quarrels. I sure could have used that this past weekend when *I* was arguing with my husband. I wish I had stopped and thought about this verse before I allowed *my* desires to cause quarreling.
Thanks for the ever not so gentle reminder. 🙂
Tj says:
So incredibly timely for us. Amazing. Thanks
owlhaven says:
Thanks!! Good to read!
Mary
Bethany Bordeaux says:
I’ve been reading in James as well the past few days (thanks to the church calendar in the Book of Common Prayer.) and loved stumbling into your comments on peacemaking as well as having read it my self this morning. Although I’m no shrinking violet, I’m also one of those folks like your eldest who despises conflict and often takes the path of least resistance to avoid it…even if that means justice and/or peace aren’t truly reached. Twas good to get another dose of remembering the healthy ways to handle conflict.
Matt Church says:
The book of James, great points we all should reflect and work on.
Jeremy Keegan says:
I just recently came to the realization why my marriage stinks right now. My wife and I have always prided ourselves on the fact that we don’t “fight”, and that being defined as yelling at each other and slamming doors, walking out of the house, etc. However, conflict just doesn’t disappear because you refuse to yell. Whenever conflict arises, one of us just shuts down – says “fine” or says nothing, or walks away. And I believe that all those times of saying nothing – of not resolving the conflict but instead shoving it down inside, over 6 years, has built up a general attitude of negativity towards the other person. We dislike being around each other at times and we’re both super-sensitive because we’ve just shoved it all down inside for so long. That’s not peace.
Two books that are TREMENDOUS in this area. One I’ve read and the other I’m reading right now – and the part I’m reading deals with just what you’re talking about Shaun. The first is “The Peacemaker” by Ken Sande and the second is “War of Words” by Paul David Tripp. These two books are extremely Biblically based and have the power (with your participation and God’s grace) to change your life in big ways.
JessicaB says:
Hmm, I might have to check those books out sometime. Two that helped my marriage tremendously was Love and Respect and Married And How To Stay that Way (though admittedly the second one is a bit dry). Still powerful though.
Julie Roberson says:
This is just what I needed to hear. I think I’m in the Guiness Book of World Records for the biggest rug to sweep stuff under. Oh and by the way, when it get too small I just add more decorative pattern and trim. It’s a work of art! Something to be proud of! *sigh* It wears me out. It’s difficult to know what’s under there at times. I forget only to be jolted by something sticking out as I cram more under believing I’m peacemaking. Sometimes I just wanna crawl under it too. But that’s not bringing things into the light, to The Light.
I guess I get stuck on how to deal with the conflict, especially when the one I’m in conflict with doesn’t see it, doesn’t get that the words and actions they use are hurtful. It’s like the mom in Everybody Loves Raymond tv show. So, there is no conflict to them. I’m the one with the problem. I can’t make them see, understand. I don’t want that responsibility! So, of course, I pray, desperately to have my heart changed. For them. For the relationship. For God to reveal Himself to me.
I wonder how much peace with otheres relies on both parties taking responsibility for their actions, words, attitudes even when they don’t agree?
I will be pondering this…….thanks for your blog. It’s an encouragement.
Adam says:
Nicely done, I like the rethinking of things we feel like we understand the concept of. If we never re-evaluate what we have always been taught how will we learn any deeper truth?
I have found recently that I go into reading…the Bible, devotionals, really…anything, with a bunch of pre-conceived notions of what I have always been taught. I have grown exponentially when I forgot those pre-conceived notions and studied the Scriptures with His guidance.
This is a great enlightening on the matter of peace, thank you.