Shaun Groves
I’m feeling a little sappy this morning, I admit. I spent the weekend with my friend Tracy in North Carolina, who substitute road managed me while my friend Ben was on vacation. I missed Ben but we caught up this morning via e-mail. I spent yesterday hanging out doing a bunch of nothing with my wife/friend. I spent yesterday evening, like most Summer evenings, sitting in a lawn chair talking with my best friends.
My cup is full. I’ve got an abundance of friendships. Like I said, a little sappy.
Reflecting on these friendships a little this morning, it struck me how simple the secret to these successful relationships might just be. There are two things the best friends I’ve had say easily.
I’m Sorry
Billy Patterson, a mentor of mine who taught me how to be a good husband, told me several times to keep short accounts. As the bible says, don’t let the sun go down on your anger – don’t let the day end with an outstanding balance in any relationship.
Go to your brother, sister, wife, parent, co-worker, and ‘fess up. Say the hardest words there are: “I’m sorry.” And mean them. Own them.
Not “I’m sorry you’re hurt” or “I’m sorry you see it that way.”
I have to make it about me. And keep it about me. “I’m sorry I did…” “I’m sorry I said…”
And leave it at that. I have to do the nearly impossible (for me): to shut up and leave my but out of it. “…but I only said that because…” “…but I was only kidding…” “…but you…” Never ruin an apology with an excuse.
An apology is not a boomerang – it may not come back your way. We say we’re sorry because we’re sorry. Not because we want to hear those words said to us.
Thank You
This world isn’t exactly overflowing with kindness. It has its moments though. And those moments are miracles that need our attention.
Saying “thank you” makes those miracles last a little longer in everyone’s memory. Thank you shines a spotlight, makes a news flash out of the good we’ve witnessed.
Thank you says “Hey, everybody, check out this amazing thing over here!” And we all stop and spend a second or two in awe. And the good gets stretched. If we all said “thank you” when the good moments came our way, we’d notice how much good is actually in our day. And that’s a good start on happiness.
As G.K. Chesterton wrote: I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought, and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder.
Thank you is especially important in healthy friendships. Thank you says I notice.
Be specific. Avoid superlatives and comparisons to others.
“Thank you for picking me up. I know it was out of your way.”
“Thanks for being such a good listener today and telling me the stuff I don’t want to hear but need to.”
“Thanks for being such a great mom to our kids, for being patient and repeating yourself a million times without yelling, for cooking healthy stuff for them to eat, for teaching them how to work through that fight this morning.”
Go say you’re sorry. And tell us, who are you thankful for?
Rebecca says:
You.
Kiriseth says:
I’m thankful for my “unofficially adoptive” family. When my mom died 10 years ago, my good friend’s family stepped in and just swallowed me and my son into their family – holidays, family outings, Sunday church, after-church Sunday lunches, the whole nine yards. When my biological father (who was a difficult man) died last year suddenly, my “mama” flew down to be with me and my son to help me handle all the details. I am truly blessed to know “Mama Tooz” and “Daddy Dave”.
Orual says:
I am so thankful for my husband and my two best friends who are like siblings to me.
And your words are spot on. An unconditional apology can go a long way in marriage and in friendship (in fact it healed one of those friendships that I had thought was lost forever). And thank you, as well other niceties keep the civility in a relationship which might otherwise suffer from being too comfortable with one another. We always make an effort to say please and thank you, especially for things that are easy to take for granted like someone making dinner or scooping the cat litter.
Lindsay @ Not2Us says:
I agree with these things, but I think there’s another very important thing our best friends can (and should) say to us:
“You’re wrong.”
To be held accountable, challenged to grow, and supported during the process is one of the best gifts friends can give us.
James says:
I had an Indian friend in college who would always scold me when I used either of those phrases. He and his Indian friends would always say, “In friendship there is no ‘sorry’ or ‘thank you.'”
I don’t know how I feel about that to this day but thought I would just throw that out there.
NancyTyler says:
As a counselor type, it’s easy for me to fall into always being the helper and not expressing to friends my need for them to be a friend back to me.
I’m so thankful for friends who ask me about me. They don’t get in touch only when they need a favor or someone to listen to them or get them out of a fix. They don’t give me the first five minutes of a phone call so they can take the next 55 for themselves. They make an effort to draw me out when I’m apt to hibernate emotionally. And they’re happy for me when good things are happening in my world, even if things aren’t going along as swimmingly in their own.
I realized recently that even though I have lots of people I call friends–good friends and dear friends–those who reach out to me are really, really scarce these days. But boy, do I treasure them.
Paula from Northern Ireland says:
Our church lost a dear brother in christ this weekend in a tragic boating accident and I have spent the last three days reflecting on the value of friendships and the model that Christ gave us for relationships. We have a lot to learn but praise God we are not expected to walk this journey alone, we have an amazing Father who sent us a helper to teach us and remind us of what Christ taught us (John 14:26).
I am so thankful for all the friends that have walked alongside me so far in my journey.
Bernard Shuford says:
Just thought I’d let ya know, Shaun, that I hardly know you as a musician or a recording artist, but your writing has impacted my life in serious ways. Thanks for writing.
I still stink at this Christianity thing, but you’ve helped me keep trying in a lot of ways. You’ve got a serious gift.
fern says:
In response to James–I think you are right, but I also think Shaun is right.
My truest and best friends will love me whether I say Thank you or I’m sorry, or not. I know I don’t have to say it to keep the friendship. But perhaps that is why it is more meaningful and so important.
wanda says:
I LIKE IT!!!
And I BELIEVE IT!!