Shaun Groves
Dear Jon,
Your recent diatribe against guys with guitars grieved my spirit almost as much as a praise song with more than four chords or running out of hair wax. I mean, I don’t, because I stockpile the stuff but, you know, if I did ever run out, I’d be grieved, almost as much as I was reading your unkind words for guys with guitars.
Look, until you’ve walked a mile in our girl jeans you have no right to criticize my kind. Picture this: You’re me. You’re sixteen. Your face is a general plague of pink and red bumps and blotches. The rest of you is the color of dead fish – a milky gray that broadcasts “I. Do. Not. Tan. Well. And may not actually be alive” As for muscles, you’ve got none. As for social skills, you’re Stephen Hawking. As for libido, well, it’s on fire like Michael Jordan at a slamdunk contest. And no, you don’t know who Michael Jordan is really. You just know that dropping his name into conversations with other guys keeps the wedgies to a minimum – and mentioning Mr. Hawking has the opposite effect. Like all boys your age you desperately want girls, any girls, to notice you – but preferably the hot ones because, let’s face it, you’re as deep as a toe nail.
To quote Dennis Hopper in Speed, “What are you gonna do? What. Are. You. Gonna. Do?” Huh, blog boy?
I’ll tell you what I did. I picked up a guitar and became a god. Ok, not a god, not yet, but for three minutes here and there actual females with ovaries and breasts and stuff sat around me with their eyes closed while I knocked out Richard Marx and Chicago tunes – the ones with four chords – the popular ones. And then, in college, I became a god. It was then that I wrote a song for a girl. It was called “Come To Me” and she did. And we made out. And now we have three kids. Oh, and we got married between the making out and the kid making. I promise.
There’s something magical, supernatural even, about the power of the acoustic guitar – about music in general. How else do you explain Ric Ocasek, Billy Joel, Rod Stewart or David Bowie and their powers to attract the fairer sex. That’s something divine. Possibly. So don’t knock it, man. You might find yourself boxing God himself, for I believe HE might just be the one who poured this wooing power into my Yamaha. And into my hair, which also has wooing powers of a similar nature. And my smile. And my clear complexion. And my witty personality and general charm. Ok, so I’m really really hot and awesome these days and I don’t need the acoustic guitar but it has powers none-the-less—powers which rescued me once upon a time from the clutches of dateless proms and game-playing Friday nights and self-loathing and the hard task of actual character development.
Take away the acoustic guitar and I would have been, well, you, I guess – spending hours on-line hurling hate speech at the talented and special and gifted and blessed and just plain awesomer among us.
God bless,
Shaun
Linda Sue says:
Ok I’m SO grateful you finally cleared up the Rick Ocasek Paulina thing for me – ‘cause I never did get it unless he was the best toilet-cleaning, bed-making, kisser in the universe man – but now I understand oh sarcastic enlightener of the blogosphere – it is that guitar! Whew – on to other questions of life – like – who will win So You Think You Can Dance, are we supposed to turn the other cheek or stand up stand up for Jesus? So many questions so few answers – thank you very white answer man!
Grovesfan says:
I have but one response; who the heck is Rick Ocasek?
Beth
dub says:
As a guitar slinger and fellow soft-rock god in training, I echo your sentiments.
This post is one of the best pieces of “bliterature” that has ever hit my feed reader.
We need to raise our muscular strumming arms high and pump our pick-holding fists in the air in solidarity against such prejudices.
Power chords to the people!
Amy C says:
I laughed at this. A lot. Because the letter to the guy with the guitar ranks as my #1 favorite blog on Jon’s site. And I think I like your response even better. Who knew the conflict that resides deep in the hearts of guitar vs. non-guitar guys. And you both were so admittedly nerdy in high school…can’t you all just get along?
Marcus Lynn says:
That is seriously funny…except I was the geeky guy who couldn’t even figure out how to play guitar well enough to attract girls…so I learned how to play the bass so I always got the second best-looking girl at the gig.
Brenda says:
Your description of the younger you fits my 15 year old to the letter. He’s the kid in girl pants whose church you played at on Sunday. You give us hope for his future! BTW, thanks for coming to Arizona in blazing August to bless our congregation.
David says:
Haha, that’s hilarious. I’ll admit it – when I first learned to play guitar, I definitely had the thought in the back of my mind that I could use this to impress women. Which is kind of an uncomfortable prospect when you’re playing worship songs. Maybe less so when you’re playing pop hits.
Part of me wishes I’d learned it earlier in life, because when I finally picked it up at age 23, I was like, “Where was this in college when I needed it?” But it helped me woo my wife over the next few years, so I guess I can’t complain. I can’t say that we still sit in the park all the time and sing along to whatever worship songs I feel like playing… but maybe we should bring that tradition back. or maybe I had the wrong intentions for doing that in the first place. I don’t know.
But if I ever whipped it out with a sizeable group of people present, the intent was not to be the center of attention. It was just that I was excited about what I was learning, and for some reason, those friends enjoyed my rudimentary versions of random rock songs (yes, I’ll admit that “Yellow” was one of ‘em). That behavior didn’t change when there were only guys around. We were just having fun. I’d see other guys doing that at the summer camp I used to work at, and I wasn’t jealous of the attention they got, but it definitely made me wish I knew how to play. So I’m glad I finally learned.
Anyway, us geeky guys have few advantages when it comes to connecting with the opposite sex… so I say, rock what you got. If that makes some other dejected blogger jealous, then I say it’s not our fault he can’t get a date.
Sarah Chia says:
That’s hysterical. Guys with guitars kick butt. I’m glad I married one.
Grovesfan says:
I have but one response; who the heck is Rick Ocasek?
Beth
Lindsey says:
If I wasn’t afraid of waking up this whole house of sleeping people, I would be laughing really, really hard right now.
I’m laughing on the inside, I swear.
I can’t wait to hear Jon’s response.
And I’m with Beth…I’m a little lost on the Rick Ocasek reference. Wikipedia, here I come.
Talena says:
Haha! Hilarious!
Adam says:
LOL.. oh my gosh.. People are looking at me as I was reading this post at work..
favorite line..
“..but for three minutes here and there actual females with ovaries and breasts and stuff sat around me with their eyes closed while I knocked out Richard Marx and Chicago tunes -..”
OH gosh I needed to laugh.. Thank You.. thank you .. thank you.
keith says:
The guitar worked for me too, but I didn’t pick it up until college, and then it was at a “mission trip,” not at camp, where I was learning Third Day tunes that I met my wife while strumming on the porch of the cabin. I thought it was the great conversation, not the guitar, that got us going though. My wife may have a different story.
So what Richard Marx songs did you play? I’ve got “Satisfied” running through my head now.
shaunfan says:
I hope those who asked found the answer to the Ric Ocasek question, but if not, he’s the awesome lead singer of the band The Cars. You’ve probably heard him singing “Good Times Roll”, “My Best Friend’s Girl”, “Just What I Needed” or my personal favorite “You Might Think” from the amazing “Heartbeat City” album. He’s also produced albums by Weezer, No Doubt and The Killers. Not bad for a man in girl jeans.
Keep soft rockin’.
Russ says:
Hilarious. I didn’t start playing acoustic guitar until I was a senior in high school. Before then I was a “pure” band nerd. All trumpet and nothing but the trumpet.
Started rocking the 6 string and life took off for me. Now I’m no longer bald, no longer a 120 pound weakling, and like Smiling Bob on tv I’ve got extra confidence where it matters…
I drive better, I read better, I even cook better…THANKS ACOUSTIC GUITAR!!
Great post Shaun.
Bonnie says:
As the girl who plays guitar, I have to bow to the power of the instrument that made me the “Jennifer Knapp” of my small Southern Baptist college. I never strayed from those 4 chords and gained lots of “friends” who would have never talked to me otherwise.
Great post, praise the Lord that satire is not dead.
anon4him says:
ok… breathe… breathe… nope! I can’t do it! *dies laughing*
Shaun, have you always possessed your incredible wit and impeccable comic genius or was it an acquired thing? ‘cause if you were this funny in high school, I don’t think you would have needed the guitar anyway. Although, it does help. There’s nothing more attractive than pimply, pasty white boy who can play the guitar and is on fire for God… that is, except a handsome young man who can play the guitar and is on fire for God – but those are in short supply.
Kristin Zuvich says:
AHAHAHAHAH