Shaun Groves
We’ve all heard of the five stages of grief and many of us have even moved through them ourselves.
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
The typical responses to extreme poverty are very similar, in my experience. Many of us even seem to move through them sequentially. What’s your response right now?
Denial
I wish I had a dollar for every time an American said “Why are we taking care of poor people over there when we have plenty of poverty right here.” I’d have enough money to wipe out hunger everywhere.
I once believed that poverty in the developing world was like the poverty I saw when I drove through a bad neighborhood in America. If someone told me about the slum they walked through on a mission trip, or if I saw children with distended bellies on a late night infomercial, I told myself these things were exaggerated or very rare.
Anger
Then I traveled with Compassion International to El Salvador in 2005. And I came home angry.
Angry that no one had told me the truth sooner. Angry that I’d wasted years that could have been spent doing something about poverty.
Angry at how opulent my church was. Angry about how much food and medicine is in one American grocery store. Angry at how many pairs of shoes I owned. Angry that my kids complained about what was on their dinner plate. Angry that you were still in denial. Angry at myself for being angry at you.
Bargaining
Anger led to bargaining. I needed to do something about their poverty and my disobedience – to put the needs of others above my own. But so strong was the desire in me to be like everyone else (and liked by everyone else), that I tried to do as little as I could – just enough to sleep better at night.
I gave up cable. Sponsored a child.
Then I cut out caffeine. Sponsored another child.
Over years we bought less, lived in less, gave more. Eventually, I could afford to travel around North America speaking on behalf of Compassion International full-time.
Somewhere along the way the bargaining ended. My motives matured. I stopped placating God and started partnering with Him…on my best day. But other days? I still bargain.
Depression
I was in Ethiopia seven years ago. Though the statistics show improvement in Ethiopia’s economy since then, I saw no progress last week. The physical poverty in Ethiopia is still the worst I’ve ever seen.
There are no quick or simple solutions. Progress is hard to measure. Hope is slow. Help is in short supply. Failures are common. When we care for the poor we open ourselves up to doubt, fear, questions without answers, and lots of grief.
Every time a little malnourished boy with rusting hair smiles at me. Every time an American walks away from the sponsorship table empty-handed. It’s a fight to believe God is real, He is good, He can be trusted, and His plan is worth sticking with.
Acceptance
There are two kinds of acceptance I think. Some give up from discouragement. They decide they were overzealous and too idealistic in the bargaining phase and choose now to lower their expectations – of themselves, of progress, of God.
The other kind of acceptance happens when a person decides, in spite of discouragement, to keep fighting, accepting limitations and the slow pace of progress.
I haven’t reached acceptance yet. I’m a perfectionist constantly searching for better. What are the better words that will move an entire audience to give? What is the tweak to our program that will solve this problem every time? Where could I be more useful in this fight than I am today?
I’d like to say this is a “holy discontent” or a “righteous perfectionism” in me but I really don’t know. That’s something God and I are talking about a lot in the wake of this trip to Ethiopia.
What’s Your Response To Poverty Right Now?
Are you stuck at denial? Angry at your church? Bargaining with God over how you’ll respond to the needs of the world? Grieving a setback?
Where are you today? Let me know in the comments of this post or drop me a line and I promise I’ll pray for you. Please pray for me.
Paul Styrvoky says:
Shaun, Thanks for your passion and commitment; this is an ongoing encouragement to my personal child advocacy and sponsorship ministry. I have learned that by giving one can JOYFULLY Serve. God Bless. Paul.
Paul Styrvoky says:
Shaun, Thanks for your passion and commitment; this is an ongoing encouragement to my personal child advocacy and sponsorship ministry. I have learned that by giving one can JOYFULLY Serve. God Bless. Paul.
Vicki Small says:
Shaun, I haven’ seen as much of the world’s poverty as you have, having traveled (three times) only to the Dominican Republic. There, it was in bateys where I saw the worst poverty that I’ve seen: places so terribly bleak that the spiritual poverty, the absence of any hope, any reason to make their own place better, was so palpable; I came home depressed, as you’ve written about, before. I have moments of being numb to the realities of real poverty, and Lord knows I’ve been angry enough, over the past 11+ years, to have kept an anger management group hiding. Watching people leave a church service or a concert, having seen and heard a truly moving presentation–video clip, testimonials, sermon, etc.–and they just walked by. Nary a glance at the table, or maybe a very brief glance as they walked by without missing a step. How could they?!?
Then I came to a place of acceptance of their lack of response: Maybe God knew they wouldn’t be good sponsors. Maybe they looked sufficiently well off, but perhaps they were caring for sick parents or just up to their widow’s peaks in debt. Maybe they were stuck in denial. Maybe they were of the “care for our own, first” persuasion. (I always want to ask such folks for book, chapter and verse where Jesus or anybody else ever said, “Take care of your own, FIRST!”)
But, just as with grief, we don’t go through these stages linearly; we may experience two steps forward, one back, or get all the way through and start over, or something. Your post is a really good description, I believe of the emotional ups and downs of a person carrying out God’s call to His people, of whom Compassion-ate people are certainly among my favorites!
Kelli says:
Goodness, I think I probably fluctuate through the 5 stages frequently – sometimes all in the same day! But I would say I spend more time in Bargaining and Depression than the other places. I get overwhelmed at the vastness of the problem, and I let myself get sucked into believing that I’m too far away to make any kind of a difference, which leads to frustration that it’s so hard, which pushes me into bargaining and depression. Then comes the acceptance, then I get apathetic, and the cycle goes on. This was a good perspective. It made me think. 🙂
Melissa Turner Jones says:
I definitely spend a lot of time in anger….at other people/organizations. Their eye-speck and all of that. And that frequently leads to depression/apathy. But one thing we work very hard to teach our kids is that we are all only responsible for our own obedience….and so then I take my own words to heart and work on my _own_ heart again. And then I try to get people involved in something and/or excited about serving somewhere and they’re in denial or apathetic or ignorant or whatever and I get frustrated and angry……it’s cyclical.
In other news, my family spent the morning at the Compassion Experience today. Excellent work and the two countries we experienced were right on for our own sponsorships. I’m not sure that the 3 and 5-yr-olds got much from it (especially since the 5-yr-old apparently muted her device at some point and didn’t mention it to anyone), but the 7-yr-old was really able to understand, especially when Ruben from Bolivia was _his_ age when he started working all day to make money for his family. That hit home for him. And Julien from Uganda was cool because we sponsor a girl in Uganda, so we were able to talk a bit about what is the same for Millie and what might be different. Pass on my appreciation for the “experience” if you get a chance, please! My sweet-hearted boy doesn’t need a big push to get him to care for others, but giving him the visual and the understanding that these kids are just like him – except not – that was awesome! Also….you might want to add in a box of tissues at the end! The redemption, the healing, the hope….well….it made my allergies act up a bit. ;p
Aimee says:
Have u heard of NURU International? They r in Ethiopia making a difference
Kris Camealy says:
I appreciate this post, Shaun. I think I cycle through many of these regularly. I am often overwhelmed by the tremendous amount of need and want to give and support every ministry that is working to make an impact–but I can’t. I think I spend less time being angry than I used to. That used to be my go-to response, sadly. But these days it’s more bargaining/apathy/depression.
God is growing me in this, and always teaching me more about Himself, during the ups and downs of my own responses to those in need.
Pat Baer says:
Elisa Morgan wrote a tiny book titled, She Did What She Could. The book attacks the crippling responses you pointed out with a simple solution – do what you can with what’s in your hand. Everyone can do something. When I feel powerless, angry or apathetic, I write one of my Compassion kids. That one simple, small act slays my giants – and it only took a pen and a stamp. Amazing!
Katie Axelson says:
Poverty right now is a living reality for me every time I wake up and look out over the slums of Tegucigalpa.
It’s a reality that I’m living in this month (well, this year on the World Race) that I am doing everything I know to do to helpfully fight the pandemic.
Marla Taviano says:
I’m a combo of anger, bargaining, and acceptance. Our family is moving to Cambodia in January, and I hate (hate, hate) the “we should be helping the poor right here” line (anger alert). Last December we moved into an apartment complex that’s 70% East African refugees (so there’s my response to that argument–we ARE helping right here–which actually doesn’t placate some people, because our neighbors aren’t American–boo). There’s poverty, sure, and we’ve loved our time with these people (and they’ve blessed us like nuts), but the poverty is nothing like what we’ve seen in Cambodia. Anyway. I meant to stop writing after one sentence. Thanks for the encouragement to keep going, even in the face of discouragement and slow progress.