I fell in love and then everything fell apart. Which is a tad bit dramatic and not exactly true but that’s certainly how it felt at the time. And so I prayed. And God answered.
I traveled to El Salvador many years ago to prove once and for all that Compassion International was a scam. And instead I was convinced by all I saw that their work is biblical and effective. I was in love. I wanted to tell everyone in my audience about it.
But my audience was shrinking rapidly. Christian radio stations had stopped playing singer songwriters as the pendulum of listener preference swung away from original music and toward remakes of familiar worship songs and mainstream hits. My label couldn’t figure out an alternative way to get the word out about my music…so the label was closing up shop and my phone rang less and less and the crowds stopped showing up.
I lashed out publicly. In interviews. From stage. On-line.
That was immature and unkind and unproductive.
But I was angry. I thought I was angry at record labels and radio stations and bookstores…but I was angry at God.
Why would God give me a large and growing audience when I had very little to say? Why would He take that audience away just as I discovered something I couldn’t shut up about?
I wasted a couple years being angry. And when the anger finally dissipated regret took its place.
I’ve often felt guilty over the years. Because I behaved so badly. Because I wasted an opportunity so few ever receive too. Because I used my platform to sell records and not much more. Because I thought my fifteen minutes would last forever – I thought had plenty of time to figure out how to make the most of fame. Because I didn’t make the difference in the lives of children around the world I could have.
It’s the regret that almost destroys my gratitude for this day God has made, the opportunities right in front of me now. But it’s also the regret that has kept me praying for a second chance all these years. And I’ve only just now realized that God has answered – He’s been answering – in the most peculiar way.
Compassion asked me to speak on their behalf at some women’s conferences earlier this year – an odd request since I don’t have ovaries and all, but I agreed to give it a shot. I’ll speak at even more of these events in 2014. And some men’s conferences too. And then there are the festivals Compassion’s had me speaking at as well – the largest of which was in Rangers Stadium in Dallas a couple weeks ago. And this past weekend Amy Grant asked me to tell Compassion stories on her stage at a few shows.
I have no crystal ball but I’m pretty sure I’ll never have the audience I once did. I’ll never sing or speak for 1,000 people who bought tickets to see me. Even singing and speaking for free it’s hard work to keep the calendar full these days. But God has still answered my prayers. He gave me a conference’s thousands. And festival crowds. And Amy’s audience. To tell them about God’s generosity, His love for the poor and Compassion’s ministry to children.
God answered me. Squanderer of opportunity. Angry pitcher of very public fits. Slumping ungrateful regretter. Me.
Second chances.
And He answered in the best way possible. I see that now. He didn’t rebuild a platform with my name on it. The throngs don’t show up to see me. And that’s for the best. I’ve proven I don’t handle the spotlight so well. Instead, He loans me someone else’s platform. To keep me humble? To keep me grateful? To keep me me?
God hears. And His answers are better than ours.
Paul Styrvoky says:
Thank you for sharing your personal story at Spiritfest. I was honored and blessed by meeting you. This has also encouraged me in my Compassion advocacy! π
Tracy Edwards says:
It’s quality over quantity for you these day, my friend. The humble way your message is presented is exactly what God has been preparing you for. We just have to daily thank God for his grace.. . . and his patience. It takes us a while to catch up sometimes.
Jill Foley says:
Shaun…this is so good. And you are so good at presenting the ministry of Compassion. When I heard you at Amy’s concert last summer it was inspiring.
I’d love to hear you sing, too…. but you certainly have a gift for presenting the message of sponsorship! I’m thankful God is using you this way.
Mary Lou Court says:
Love you, Shaun!
Kelli says:
Great post, friend.
Christine @ Glory to God says:
As I read this I was praising God, seeing how he matured you and how you responded in obedience and humility. So well written and inspiring. Thank you, Shaun.
Sara McNutt says:
So, so good, Shaun. So thankful for your honesty.
Kris says:
God’s faithfulness never ceases to amaze and inspire me. His answer to our desires, to our prayers–it’s always just as it should be. You serve Him well from where you are, and that’s to His glory. Thanks for being real, and for doing what you do.
Win says:
I’ve heard you speak on behalf of Compassion and you explain the message from a stage better than almost anyone else I have heard. As a Compassion Advocate who works lots of events I am excited that we get to benefit so often from your passion about releasing children from poverty in the name of Jesus through Compassion. Thank you for responding to God’s answer in this way.
Faith says:
I’m very encouraged by your humility in recognizing God’s plan being better than yours. Success in the eyes of the world is so different to success in the kingdom!
Stacie says:
this post was beautiful…we saw you in Minneapolis and were so blessed by you and your story….keep speaking out for Him, you do it perfectly.
Betsy W says:
Thank you for sharing this. It really speaks to me today! You do good work Shaun!
Becky says:
The vulnerability of this post makes your message even more powerful, Shaun. I’m grateful that you’re willing to share your life in whatever way God wants to use you. Compassion is a better ministry because of you.
Joy says:
Well said! These past 4 years that God has spent preparing and growing me have been so very painful but also so very worth it! One of the best parts is when He allows us the wisdom of understanding His answers!
NancyTyler says:
I’m so grateful that I’ve gotten to watch God work through you and in you all these years since Invitation to Eavesdrop.
Melissa Jones says:
It’s interesting how God has to break us down to build us back up…..but we’re stronger and wiser and better suited for the ministry HE wants us to do when He puts us on our feet again.
The breaking down hurts, but there is so much freedom in the rebuilding, because we know for sure that we had nothing to do with it!
Noelle says:
Shaun, I know you probably know this, but even when you had a small(er) audience, God still used you. I started reading your blog years ago. Your words still influence me and I still pass them on; words like “Live more simply so others can simply live.” and “Love says your emergency is my emergency and then it sacrifices without moderation to rescue.” I’m still trying to do both of those things and what they imply. Anyhow, I appreciate what God is doing through you and I know the kids of Compassion appreciate it too. π
Matthew W says:
“Itβs the regret that almost destroys my gratitude for this day God has made, the opportunities right in front of me now.”
Wow. Replace “regret” with “jealousy” or “envy,” and that describes me perfectly. Sometimes we get so caught up in what could have been, or what we wish things were like, or what things could be like, that we forget to appreciate what is. *phew!* Morning truth!