Yesterday was Sambhaji’s “Gotcha Day.” It’s not the day we went to his orphanage in India and brought him home to Nashville – we never did that. Another mom and dad did.
Two years ago we received a phone call from our social worker. A couple in our state had adopted a little boy from India but now wanted to “disrupt” the adoption.
They were his forever family for ten days.
Like so much of my son’s story – from birth to our home – there are so many details I don’t know. But I do know this first forever family loved him, gave him his own bedroom and a Woody doll and lots of chicken nuggets, apparently. (He reminds me of this every time I serve him some impostor soy lookalike.)
They had a horse and a swimming pool, a dog and a house so big it looked like a hotel, he says. He had a college-aged big sister who played with him and a dad who napped with him and let him watch lots more TV than I do – so he claims.
“My old mom and dad…” he sometimes starts before telling me something he got to do at their house that he doesn’t get to do at ours. I highly doubt his first forever mom and dad were fine with him never taking baths or brushing his teeth.
But I don’t know that for sure. I wasn’t there.
I wasn’t there to hear the reasons they offered their social worker for the disruption. But I was there when they said goodbye to their boy.
It was a sight painful enough to make even the most ardent adoption advocate think twice before claiming that everyone should adopt.
We met up at a church one Sunday afternoon halfway between their home and ours – many miles from either. Becky and I and our three kids sat in one Sunday school class signing papers. Sambhaji’s mom and dad down the hall in another room doing the same while Sambhaji and his big sister played with Legos and action figures on the floor.
Then the walk from our room to theirs – the fear and joy swirling inside our swooshing bellies. The awkward greetings followed and then we played clumsily with Sambhaji – my kids and I – while Becky did what she does best. She asked Sambhaji’s mom and dad questions about what he liked to eat and play, about his routine, and thanked them with smiles and compliments about his health and obvious happiness.
Their love for him was obvious.
An area doctor who spoke Sambhaji’s language sat in a child-sized chair and translated, explaining to him what was about to happen. He ignored her, sliding his hand into a dinosaur puppet instead…until, after a very few minutes, a social worker looked me in the eyes from across the room and mouthed, “It’s time.”
I shook his father’s hand and pulled him close. I thanked him for loving Sambhaji well, for the important part his family played in bringing Sambhaji to America and into our family. I asked him to pray for us and promised we’d do the same for him.
I think about him often. About the reams of paperwork he filled out and filed, the psychological evaluation he and his wife underwent, the home visits, the interviews, the years of waiting, the expense, the prayers prayed and answered, the hours buying little boy furniture and painting walls, shopping for underwear and socks and shirts and toothbrush. The compassion. The anticipation. The love.
Love is not enough. I understand. No judgement here. We mourn their loss every year as we celebrate all we’ve gained.
Yesterday was Sambhaji’s “Gotcha Day.” The first time I saw him smile and the first time I heard him cry. We’re all forever marked by that first hello-goodbye.
“When do I go to a new house?” he asked just days ago.
“You’re not going anywhere,” I said. “I’m your dad forever.”
“Forever?”
Wendy says:
thanks for being real. It’s all so hard. Bless you for being there for him (and them.) God bless his little heart and heal it.
Michael Patterson says:
Wow, I never knew that part of your family’s story. My adopted daughter, Daniela frequently says things like, “I like this family. If it’s okay I’d like to stay here” or “Daddy, you’re the best daddy I’ve ever had.” It’s a constant reminder that buried deep in her wiring is the questions of whom she belongs to. A reminder to me that she lost more on her first three years than I have in 50. No, adoption is not for everyone. It comes with great challenges and great rewards. Happy Gotcha day to your whole family! I’m glad you’ve got “Sambhaji to love!” He couldn’t have a better dad.
Sara says:
Being a foster carer isn’t easy our foster son had been at so many placements before. All breaking down for some reason and other. We have loved upon him for over two years now and yes it’s hard work but so very worth it. We are going for permanency. We have worked hard to make him feel secure that this home. He is a gift, xxx
Kris says:
I don’t have words. My thoughts just drip from my eyes in this moment. Thank you for who you are. Thank Becky too. You all inspire.
RaD says:
Wow. Earth shakingly tragic and yet so…. I just can’t think of the words. Thanks for this beautiful picture. Thanks for being committed to that little boy, and well, to the rest of your kids at well. May S one day know for certain that you are a rock in his life.
MamaPoRuski says:
Great post. So glad you were there to step in so soon for him. Praying for your son, as well as all our adopted kiddos that they will fully know what “forever family” means.
God bless!
Andrea Young says:
Wow. This is such a beautiful, honoring, real, hard post…and I just wanted thank you for sharing your heart. Tears…and your sweet boy–oh he is just beautiful!
Shelley says:
Thank you for sharing this story. Praying for you and your family.
Andrea June says:
You make a beautiful family….. God Blessed you real good 🙂
karen halbert says:
What a moving story. Thank you for sharing. May your sweet boy live with the confidence of His love and your love as well. He’s a lucky boy. So glad that there are amazing people out there like your family.
Jill Foley says:
I’m all choked up with tears…praying for your family right now.
Amber says:
Absolutely beautiful and heartbreaking! Thank you for sharing! I often think about this when I see things like, “Got Love? Adopt!”. Every time I see something like that I think, no, that’s not all there is to it!
Stacie says:
I love your honesty and here and being an family that has adopted a little boy. I can see the pain and joy on both sides. That dear first family being brave enough to say “we can’t do this” and the Lord putting your family right there to say “we can”. Neither is easy and both are brave. So glad you wrote this..thank you!
Hannah H. says:
Thanks so much for sharing the story of your son. I so appreciate your graciousness towards his “first” family and am so happy that he found your family, his “forever” family!
Jessica Carpenter says:
Thank you for sharing again, Shaun. I know it’s a hard story to share. I appreciate your heart, and Travis (aka “that guy”) and I will never forget standing in the blazing hot sun at Together For Adoption in Arizona hearing bits of your new journey only months after your son had joined your family. It was a blessing to a us, and being able to to hear from you first hand also began to open our hearts to the greater call for adoption and orphan care. We are grateful for the stamp your family has left on our hearts. – Jess & Trav
Matthew W says:
Hey Shaun,
Thanks for sharing this. I know when you first welcomed Sambajhi into your home, there was a lot of uncertainty… you couldn’t share a whole bunch, and you were hoping that he would be with you forever, but it wasn’t official yet. It’s heartwarming to read more of the story and see more of what you guys have been through. I thank God that Sambajhi has grown to be as much a part of your family as your other kids. God bless!
Delana Stewart says:
Beautiful! My son just sent me a link to your post, as it reminded him of all our family went through in bringing home his sister (our daughter). The 9 year journey to her was full of many challenges, but so were the first year(s) after she came into our family. The first year was especially difficult. It wasn’t until I read “Keys to Parenting an Adopted Child” that I learned how it takes a year for every year a child is old at the time of adoption for that child to adjust (unlearn past ways of doing things and understanding things, and learn the new). Every year that passed we could see such marked changes. She has now been with us (her forever family) as many years as she was old when we adopted her (6). I am so glad we didn’t give up on her and she didn’t give up on us. I do believe that people need to be more knowledgeable and trained about how to deal with the challenges of adopting an older child and how to meet their unique needs (and how to be the kind of parents they need).
Blessings to you and your family!
Delana
http://nineyearpregnancy.wordpress.com/2012/08/03/year-for-year/
Julie says:
Adoption is something to be entered into with reverence and eyes wide open. It doesn’t always go as planned, who knew our daughter would cry every night for two years from severe separation anxiety from being passed from one place to another in her life before us when she was an orphan. All you can do is love through this pain and pray that God gives you the strength to see your child through the tough challenges of a disrupted life. I think of everything she’s been through and I know that her courage is so remarkable……..now after seven years she is so happy but it took a while to adjust…… Many days that we were sustained by the prayers of our friends and great stories like these!!!
Renee Griffin says:
We too adopted through a dissolved adoption. We have witnessed the Lord’s hand in our life through our sweet Josie. It has been an amazing journey.
Here’s our blog and the story of our journey to Josie.
http://www.ourroadtoren.blogspot.com
For the Fatherless,
Renee Griffin