After reading Dr. Albert Mohler’s recent denouncement of Yoga, I see no other way to avoid pagan influence on my life but to stop living.

Before deciding to take such drastic measures, I tried to make a few life changes.

First, I burned my wife’s Yoga DVDs. Yoga, I now know, has its roots in Buddhism and Hinduism and its practices were intended to connect us with spirits. Regardless of my wife’s intentions – getting fit and whatnot – the intentions of its ancient inventors still pose a serious threat to her spiritual health today. No more downward dogs and deep relaxing breaths.

Next, I cancelled my lunch plans for the day. I was supposed to grab some grub with friends at Taco Express, but then I remembered the tortilla was invented by the Mayans. The first tortillas were made of corn, the “foundation of life.” Mesoamericans believed the gods made human beings from corn and that by making and eating tortillas themselves they were remembering this divine creative act.

No more Tex-Mex for me.

It took me forever to come up with an alternative pagan-free lunch plan. It took so long that I had to just reschedule the whole thing for Thursday: Fruit and vegetables (no corn) this Thursday. Done. But then I discovered that Thursday was originally Thor’s Day – that’s right, a day intended to honor the god Thor.

After throwing out all our calendars and convincing the fam to refer to this day as “three” from now on, my wife asked me if I wanted to be Shaggy again for Halloween this year. Years of watching yoga DVDs had obviously blinded her to the pagan influence all around us!

“No more Halloween!” I said. Halloween, some people say, was started with quite non-Christian intentions. Easter and Christmas were built on some rather unsavory and quite shady foundations as well. No more chocolate bunnies or stockings hung with care in my house.

The number of poorly intended pagan-rooted stuff in our lives was growing so rapidly I needed to start a list so I wouldn’t lose track and accidentally do something…paganish. I grabbed a pencil and some paper but quickly repented. Papyrus was invented by the Egyptians for record keeping, “spiritual texts” and works of pagan art involving scantily clad people walking around with dog heads.

So I went to my laptop. But it had an apple on it! With a bite taken out! “Geez!” I said. And then I remembered that “geez” is half of “Jesus” and I’d just taken fifty percent of God’s name in vain. See what yoga leads to?

Now I’m on the internet. The internet! What a wretched man am I?? A technology created either by a liberal Democrat or guys intending to share porn. Just being on the internet I’m exposing myself to technology intended to help people expose themselves.

So I’ve chosen to end it all. To leave this world. There’s just no other way.

Every inch of earth is a slippery slope tilted toward compromise by pagan peoples and their ill-intended practices. Life in such a slanted world is frought with constant potential for godlessness.

Dr. Mohler‘s right: “Should any Christian willingly risk that?”

———————————————————————————————————————————————-

For a more theological (well-written) response to Dr. Mohler’s prohibition of yoga, read this.