Shaun Groves
He pressed play on the cassette deck, bowed his head and read along. He was the manager and father of a pop star in the making and I was a twenty year-old songwriter making a pitch.
The song ended. He handed the page of lyrics back to me, made a few critiques and then stopped himself… “I just don’t think it’s a fit for us,” he said. “Maybe this one’s only for you.”
Micah, my road manager and banjo master, is new to blogging. He’s read a few, just enough to make a very astute (and helpful) observation on our last plane ride home.
Micah’s a songwriter too. He says there are songs we pen for ourselves – songs that are therapeutic for the songwriter to scribble down, for example, intensely personal maybe. Then there are songs for our community – a song written to encourage a close friend, a gift, songs to commemorate a community milestone or to be used in worship by our local church. And then there are songs for the world.
The song I pitched to the pop star’s father wasn’t a song for the world. But I thought it was. I was heartbroken when he didn’t think so.
Micah wonders if the same is true on-line. There are thoughts or stories so personal, or of no real benefit to anyone else, that they’re best jotted down in a journal or told to God. They’re best not tweeted, shared on Facebook or posted on a blog.
Then there are times when it’s appropriate to share with my community, over coffee with a close friend, face to face with my wife, in a small group at church.
And that leaves very little of my life that’s actually appropriate for sharing with the world.
I’m blogging less these days but I’m not writing less. So much of what I’ve written lately has wound up being only for me.
Micah made one more wise observation worth sharing with the masses this morning: My children are growing up in a generation without privacy. Their default will likely be to share everything. And they will probably eventually carry around with them the technology to make that possible. Natural even: Everything is for the masses. Nothing is only for you.
How do we teach our children that some thoughts are private, others are for the community and even fewer are for the world? Suggestions?
Christine says:
Speaking personally, at first the thoughts are only for me. Then, as the Holy Spirit whispers bear fruit in my life and I can articulate the transformation of my heart, the words are for a growing audience, much as Ann Voskamp’s lessons about thankgiving were first shared in small groups with family and friend (s), and then later made it into a bestselling, world-changing book.
Change, growth, starts with our conversations with the Holy Spirit. But almost always I think, the resulting transformation of heart is to be shared. The transformation could only take only months, or maybe years. But when it brings glory to God, it is meant to be shared.
Sometimes, people can be hurt by what is shared. I would guess Ann’s father probably doesn’t read her blog or books. But if he does know of them, she–and the rest of us–have to weigh the good of many with the possible hurt of a few. Or we could write with pseudo names (something I chose).
Good questions, all of them.
Shaun Groves says:
I’ve written a lot of songs that way, Christine. A very personal journal entry or conversation with God or my wife becomes, over years sometimes, a song for the masses (or tens of listeners ; )
Thanks for sharing your own process with us.
Sarah aka MainlineMom says:
Thank you SO much for this comment. It speaks right to my heart. My blog has been evolving so much lately, I think because of the big transformation the Holy Spirit has been working in my life. Sometimes I hesitate to share some stories about the changes, because I think it will sound preachy or self-righteous or others will feel judged by it. But something compels me to share some of the stories because I want to give all the glory to the One making the changes.
I’ve been thinking about a book lately. One thing holding me back is the hurt it might cause my family. I don’t think I’m ready to write it yet anyway because I don’t think the Holy Spirit is even close to done with me. But your pointing out how Ann shared her message of thanksgiving with her own community before it was ready to share with the whole world gives me hope.
Melissa Jones says:
I’m sure this isn’t what you meant, but I’d encourage you not to put off your book until the Holy Spirit is “done” with you. At that point, you’ll be in heaven and will have better things to do than write books!
Natalie says:
Wonderful insights and questions, Shaun.
Christine articulated my answer more eloquently than I ever could. It’s still a balance I struggle to find each and every day. My tendency is to want to tell the world (or at least a few friends and family) before going to God. He has been gently and quietly nudging me to flip that tendency around. To go to Him first always, and then seek the Holy Spirit’s wisdom as to who to share it with (if I’m even to share it) and when.
I love your blog and read every post. I think this is the first time I’ve commented. I hope you’ll forgive me for not engaging sooner. I tend to be a listener and take a while to let things digest. Keep up the fantastic questions, inspirations, challenges, etc.
Shaun Groves says:
Oh, we have Micah to thank for this one, Natalia.
And no worries about not commenting sooner. I’m a terrible commenter. I read far more blogs than I’ve ever commented on! I prefer lurking ; )
Michelle ~ Blogging from the Boonies says:
I can relate with this. Things have been so overwhelming in my life and I’m going through a personal journey that makes it really hard to keep up with the blog. I’ve been averaging two posts a week and have read just a handful of the blogs I like to follow.
For me, it is hard to find balance in the blog-world. When I am active in posting and reading and networking, other things in my life fall to the wayside. So, I break the big blog rules and post as the Lord leads and allows. I miss the relationship with the BFTB community, but know that there are times I need to just cling to that relationship with my Lord and my family.
Katie Axelson says:
I had a great God-analogy yesterday that I thought could make a nice blog post. It probably could but no one would want to read it. Instead, the moment was just for me. Me and the Lord.
Brad says:
As far as teaching our kids this, I find myself giving little reminders when one of them is over-sharing. Plus it only takes a few times of sharing something that later you with you didn’t and you should start to get a clue, no?
It’s funny though, because while I agree with you on some things being only for us, the best songs (the ones folks respond to best live) are the ones where I’m kind of just breaking open my rib-cage and putting my heart on the table. I remember reading Bono that that is his approach, and it turns some people off.
I know my wife wishes I weren’t as transparent about my struggles. So maybe the question is, how can we be transparent and “walk in the light” without over-sharing. Where is the line?
Shaun Groves says:
Yep, I get what you’re saying about the power of a personal song. A songwriter once told me that the more personal a song, the more universal. And that’s true until we get so personal that it becomes too uncomfortable for the listener.
It’s personal to share a love song I wrote for my wife. It’s too personal to sing about what happens in our bedroom.
I don’t know where the line is, but I know when I’ve gone way past it.
Mary @ Giving Up on Perfect says:
Thanks for this. I heard the same message at Allume a couple weeks ago, and it’s really been rattling around in my brain. I’ve had a rough year and have had trouble processing because I FORGOT that I can write just for me. See, I process through writing, but for the past four years, my writing has all been blogging. I forgot (forgot!?!) that I can write and process WITHOUT HITTING PUBLISH.
Shaun Groves says:
So glad the good folks at Allume helped you remember, Mary.
@BrookeWrites says:
Ah Shaun, I needed to read that today. I’m struggling with this very issue right this very minute.
I’m writing a book and there’s a chapter in it that is intensely personal. So much so that some of my family members don’t like it. I’m in a place where I may need to step back and pull that chapter in order to honor my family…and I will because they come first. No matter how many people the chapter could potentially help, if I hurt those I love most with it I’m not sure it’s worth it.
Thanks for the reminder.
Carol J. Alexander says:
When I first started writing for the world, I wrote essays. But essays are personal. Essays talk about your kids and your marriage and your extended family. My husband didn’t like to be put out there for the world to read about. Neither did my kids. So, I have changed how I write. And believe it or not, we talk about this very thing on a regular basis with our kids. Because they see mom holding back but they see others (including extended family) baring all (on FB). This whole conversation reminds me of my dad telling us kids some 40 years ago, “Now don’t go to school and talk about this with your friends. What happens inside our house, stays inside our house.” And I never did.
Heather says:
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. I don’t regret sharing some really personal things (my decision to quit drinking being one) but I think I would regret over-sharing about many moments that are only for my family, my marriage, my own heart. I’m more careful about it now.
I’ve been thinking that I have to teach my kids this by living it, like so many things. Not taking my phone with me to tweet, Instagram, facebook….keeping scheduled times for writing/blogging. I also try to tell my kids stories that I don’t share anywhere and I let them know the story is just theirs. For our family. I want them to have this sense of belonging, so badly…but I don’t want them to belong to everyone.
Kelli says:
I struggle with this all the time. My blog has been shifting and evolving for awhile now as the kids have gotten older and the audience has gotten bigger. And after Tanzania I felt shut down for quite awhile. The emotions swirling inside felt so deep and I wanted to share them, but realized they were things that just needed to be processed between me and the Lord.
So I got out my journal. Remember journaling? I’ve found it so much more freeing to pour out my heart on private pages, with real ink and the smell of paper and no internet distraction or the clicking of the keyboard to remind me that other eyes will be reading.
I think my blog is still evolving and I think it has a shelf life, though I’m not sure I’ve reached it just yet. But someday, sooner rather than later, it will need to change. I started another blog recently that I hope will give me a little more freedom in expressing myself without as many pressures. I’ve never really been good at putting myself out there in a really personal way. In some way, I think that’s good as it helps me better cultivate personal relationships where I can share my heart. When I clam up for fear of judgement, however, or because I don’t think I can share my heart as eloquently as someone else, then it crosses the line into something…less healthy. 🙂
Anyway, I think all good bloggers are constantly asking this question. How much do I share? How much do I let them in? And when is it too much? I certainly want my kids to know how to balance what is made public and what is kept private, because heaven knows that is a rampant problem and will only get worse.
Nathan says:
I struggle with this. Sometimes I post very personal things on my blog, other times I pull back a little. I don’t really have a firm stance on this either way, but I do consider it often. I am passionate about offering an authentic example of one man’s journey following Christ, so naturally that includes a variety of topics. I just remember first beginning my spiritual walk about six or seven years ago. I was overwhelmed with everyone’s seemingly happiness. I always experienced depression and anxiety, and still do, so after months and even years of attending church, studying the Word, and getting involved with other believers to serve, I felt like something was wrong with me. Maybe I just wasn’t praying right? Maybe my faith was weak? Eventually I began to understand the dynamics of church culture. Other people were experiencing that same things as I, they just weren’t talking about it.
I guess I should simply pray before hitting the post button 🙂
Janet says:
A good thought provoking message in this day. Am passing it on my kids
Kris says:
I love this and couldn’t agree more. I am amazed and saddened when I read what should remain in private, in the public forum. I’m sure I’ve probably done it too, though I hope not. I keep a journal and have since I could write. There’s plenty in there that will never see the light I day, and I think that’s good. Actually, I like knowing that there are things about my life that only God knows, and that I don’t have to try to clean it up or ship it out for public consumption. I so appreciate this message, because I’ve been talking about this lately with others and I’m glad someone (you) decided to remind us. Bless you, Shaun. God sure uses you to bless me!
Marlo says:
And this is partly why I quit blogging and why I filter what I put on Facebook. Some things deserve the sacred privacy between two or a few people.
Christy Fitzwater says:
Oh wow. God had you write this blog just for me. I got a 3 x 5 card and wrote the title and hung it above my computer. I’m a blogger who’s trying to be transparent, but it’s hard to know when transparent is really just over-share. Thank you so much for this thought today. By the way, I read your blog all the time and love what you DO share! Thanks.
Melissa Jones says:
I think that “authenticity” has become something of an idol among Christians lately, and I think that helps fuel this issue. I wouldn’t mind something replacing “stewardship” as the god of the church today, but I don’t think that it should be “authenticity” instead. That’s a different matter altogether though.
I stopped blogging a while ago because it was just too much. My introverted self couldn’t deal with the idea that people that I had to talk to and live with were going to see what I wrote. Not necessarily because I was saying something bad about them…..but just because those things were part of me that I hadn’t necessarily processed through yet completely. Plus I was busy and tend to shut down when I feel overwhelmed.
To try to help with that, I started a second blog that only I had access to. But the same thing happened there that usually happens when I journal or when I had a diary as a kid. I get whiny. It’s ugly. The idea that “someone else will read this” makes my writing better, more clear, WAY less whiny….and it makes it take like ten years longer.
I think I’m just a “treasure these things in her heart” kind of girl. Maybe when I’ve processed through all of the tough issues of modern times in my head, I’ll publish a collection of essays that have taken years and years to write. Sadly, no one will buy my book because I won’t be famous already. They really should though, because I’m sure my essays will be brilliant! Humble too! (just being authentic here…)
But back to your question about kids….I think part of it has to do with protecting them from the influence. My kids are still young, so I’m mostly talking out of my butt here (I knew _EXACTLY_ how to parent until I had kids), but I think I’ll have to make sure that maturity and discretion are in evidence _prior_ to allowing access to potentially-damaging media, and then a good deal of monitoring after that until responsibility has been proven. I’m sure that seems heavy-handed and big-brother-ish to many….and I’m sure it could be taken to those extremes…..but I don’t think that I’d be doing my children any favors by giving them “privacy” if that privacy allows them to hurt themselves or others while under my care. When they are adults, they are free to make their own choices. I’m sure some of those choices will be drama-filled and bad. My responsibility as a parent is to train them up in the way they should go while they are young. I do that, not by taking my hands _off_, but by being “hands on” until I’m sure that they’ve learned what they need to know.
Vicki says:
Wow. I hadn’t thought of it in the same terms, but I’ve been thinking about this, anyway.
For a while, now, and of and on over roughly ten years, I have had a journal with my Bible (and now with my Jesus Calling). I don’t write in it every time I read the Bible, and sometimes a couple of weeks, or more, may go by between entries. But sometimes, when I’m reading, my mind will start processing along lines that I want to write down. Rarely have I blogged those writings.
But, lately, I’ve been thinking about starting another blog, just for me. Or maybe two, because Typepad will allow me three (unless that’s changed): one for those Bible-inspired notes and essays, scribbled in the journal; and one in which I will tell my stories. What is true of all of us is true of me: I have many stories, and a couple of friends have told me I need to write them down. Of course, afterward, I couldn’t remember what stories I had been telling them.
But I think I’m going to start doing that, as they come to mind. They won’t be in chronological or even topical order, though I will probably set up categories. But it won’t much matter, because I won’t be publishing them, at least not for a long time. And by then, I’ll be in heaven, and someone else can make that decision!
Vicki says:
Dear Vicki:
Proofread!!!
Sandy says:
Facebook is most definitely *not* the place to share anything remotely personal. It deludes people with the idea of ‘social space’ and having ‘friends’, yet Facebook as a whole is filled with so much nastiness. Somehow being in ‘cyberspace’ can bring out the worst in people.
Much of what is said that is not nasty is still self-obsessed, inane navel-gazing. Often this is used to make the poster look good, or to look like they’re keeping up with the Joneses. In my opinion, facebook is – literally – a den of iniquity. I learned this the hard way. I haven’t had a facebook account for well over a year. My life is better for it. God doesn’t care about my ‘facebook status’. He cares about my life status. And he’s really not keen on me being self-obsessed (so tempting with facebook).
As for blogging, I have decided to share some things on my blog that are intensely personal and painful. Often within churches, small groups and even friendships, there is no room for these things, because they are buried so deep and are so taboo. I pray about each post (if I sense it is wrong, I don’t post it), and it is my hope that other people going through the same things will find it useful.
The way I get around privacy issues, which are the biggest downfall of social media and one of the evils of our time (because vulnerable people become even more vulnerable online – and they sleepwalk into it!) is to remain anonymous. All names are pseudonyms, including place names. And I *never* post photographs of me or my family.
Thank you for posting on this issue in such a gentle, sensitive way. Well said, Shaun and Micah.
Shannon B. says:
When I blog I ask myself a few questions. Is this going to be informative/instructional…. will I be helping someone?; will others get to see God in a new light….Am I bringing glory to Him alone? Am I ranting….life isn’t going my way, boo hoo? Is what I am about to write going to lift up or tear down?
Admittedly, I have missed the mark sometimes and ended up sharing something that should have been for my smaller community of life-along-siders. I haven’t been writing much at all. It has been a very difficult season spiritually for me and I think part of it is me learning to communicate ONLY with God. I tend to go to friends, spiritual leaders, even books, before I talk to the Lord, and this has felt like a time of learning to let go of chasing people first, and learning to chase hard after God. Not hard-er…but HARD. ALL my energy put into my relationship with him.
I hope my children learn this lesson without the struggle I have had. We are not the cool parents though. My son has a phone but no internet access on it. He is not allowed a social media account until he is at least 16. And no sneaky way in. No IPOD, IPAD, KINDLE… nothing that can put him online without us knowing. We also have super parent controls on our computer that he uses. He can’t even access sites that don’t meet the criteria that we have put in.
I think it falls back to the parents to help guard their children. Even older teenagers (and some 20 somethings) are not yet capable of casting a vision of the repercussions of their words and actions. It is also making sure they learn and show proper respect for people. Until there is strong proof that they can determine the effect of what they say -and they understand how to monitor their own thoughts and actions and responses, the parents need to be doubly on guard. Parents should know their child better than anyone else and so are the only ones that can really judge when their child is ready to step into cyber-world.
Teenagers are emotional hotbeds and it only takes one uncontrolled word or reaction to drastically change their life, or someone else’s. Parents need to be uncool and keep strong boundaries in place until their child has proved they are ready. Not once, but many times over. My son says he is perfectly fine with our guidelines. of course, I know that can change in the blink of an eye. But I’d rather do too much instead of too little and have have regrets.
Anna says:
This is such a hard balance. I often post things out of my journal, but definitely not everything. I try to put things that would encourage someone or help them know they are not alone. I try to write about only my experience. I do think some of it generational. My mom feels the whole FB blogging thing is a big overshare. I do think our writing spaces can be small ministries, and God will speak to us about when to share and when to be quiet.
Rebecca says:
This post was memorable to me. God’s been deconstructing me a bit in the areas of attention and distraction, and I came back to reread your thoughts.
Shared a link on my blog.
Thank you for making me think…sometimes when I’d rather not!