A couple days ago we handed our three kids off to grandparents in a Cracker Barrel parking lot halfway between our house and theirs. Then we made the long drive back to Nashville alone.
It’s been eight years since Becky and I became “Mom and Dad.” Eight years of toys on the floor, Dora on the television, VeggieTales in the CD player, and goldfish crackers and nugget shrapnel smashed in to the van’s carpeting. Eight years of being woken up with “I have a growing pain” or “I’m thirsty” or “There’s something in my closet.” Eight years of “You’re interrupting – What do you need to say?” Eight years of hurried eating, dashing to get done before the wiggles kick in. Eight year of early rising. Eight years of planning my sentences and life around three little people’s needs.
We were looking forward to the break. Not from the kids themselves. We love our kids. We even like them. We were – I was – looking forward to doing whatever I want, whenever I want, however I want it done. How great will it be, I thought, to eat what I want, as leisurely as I want, without asking anyone to eat two more bites. How great will it be, I thought, to never be interrupted, to always finish a thought. And how great will it be, I thought, to use the bathroom without anyone knocking on the door and asking me important questions on the whereabouts of a sandal, permission to eat a popsicle or whether I’m going number one or number two.
How great.
How boring, it turns out.
Don’t get me wrong – I thoroughly enjoyed eating at a restaurant last night that my kids would hate. I’ve loved listening to my playlist in the van, never being interrupted, and going number one or number two without telling anyone else which it was. It’s been everything I dreamed it would it.
But it’s also been quiet. Too quiet. And maybe, in time, if I knew my kids weren’t coming back, I’d get used to the lack of sounds, the clean floors, the freedom. But right now, only two days in, I’m a little uncomfortable with it all – like I’ve been dropped into someone else’s life: My mom and dad’s maybe.
I think Becky’s feeling the same way. But she doesn’t write about the uneasy moments of life. She paints stuff.
Yesterday, we painted a room. Today, we’ll paint another. She’s cleaning out the garage right now. Painting trim and replacing light plates later. There’s furniture to be rearranged. Stuff to be put together. Lots to clean. We all cope in our own way. I prefer bacon or Ben and Jerry’s or words.
For those of you with grown kids who’ve now moved out, how long did it take to get a new routine? Do you ever get used to the quiet? What’d you do to make that transition? I’ll be sure to come back and read your comments when my kids are grown and gone for good – sometime in my late fifties.
Robin ~ PENSIEVE says:
Shaun, This title caught my eye IMMEDIATELY when I saw it; I **almost** titled a similar post the same way the other day; instead I went with “home alone” (linked to it in my blog name rather than main page URL).
I smiled out loud with this:
“…I’ve loved listening to my playlist in the van, never being interrupted, and going number one or number two without telling anyone else which it was…”
Thankfully now, with my youngest at 12, none of mine still ask; instead, they announce their own “business”!
Glad you and Becky are getting stuff done around the house; productivity = a good thing (ummm, like finishing an album??). Empty Ben & Jerry’s cartons is a good thing, too.
Enjoy the empty; relish the full….
Ron Woods says:
Man. You asked the question I’ve been struggling with.
I turn 54 next week. I raised 3 awesome kids. Okay, my wife raised them. I showed up. 2 of them are in ministry and 1 is considering it. All 3 are married. The oldest has 1 1/2 children (one is brewing.) No complaints on my part at all. Absolutely nothing I would change. Raising them was the best thing we’ve ever done.
I’ve been a pastor of one sort or another since I was 19. Mainly a youth pastor until a few years ago. That’s when my church blew up due to moral failures on the part of my Sr. Pastor. Bottom line? Since then I’ve married the last 2 off (the oldest, my daughter, was already married.) I’ve watched my church of 24 years eat itself alive. They ate me too even though I have always kept my pants up. (Sorry for the word picture.) I left and took a year off just to heal. That’s when kid #2 moved out. Then I took a pastor position in Cleveland. So my wife and I actually moved out on our 3rd kid before he moved out on us. I guess he had the “empty nest syndrome” first before we did. Now we are back in the original city (after 1 1/2 years in Cleveland) and I’m pastoring a church here. 2 of my kids live within 50 miles and we see them often. My wife and I just moved into a home that’s bigger than we need … bigger than the house we raised our kids in. Nothing lavish. The finished walk-out basement makes it big.
But it’s QUIET. 2 years in apartments were deafening in their silence, even with Lake Erie roaring 100 feet from my 9th floor balcony. Killer view. But killer views can’t hug you. So anyway, we are dealing with not having kids living in our house for the first time. Really weird. I haven’t figured it out yet. But as good old Solomon said, to everything there is a season… Makes me want to smack him.
And I realize … I have nothing to complain about. God has given me everything I’ve asked Him for concerning my kids. They all love Him, serve Him, and often teach me about him rather than the other way around. There is a sadness to the quiet. I guess I never expected to be sad after winning the whole ball game. My wife is my best friend and we get along tremendously. We just realize that “the season” is over and we are asking God to help us to get a handle on the next “season.” I’ll let you know how that works out.
Oh. A new 47 inch HDTV does help. Just sayin …
Nancy Tyler says:
You’re sampling my life.
Freedom’s great when I want to do unusual things like taking a spontaneous trip or selfish things like eating right out of the ice cream carton.
But more and more, this hermit is finding freedom to be much too solitary in its everyday form.
becky says:
There is a sweetnes for us now, hubs word and I agree. Took us awhile but we are blessed 2 of the 3 live in the same town, simply the next neighborhood across the way.
We have a Family Fun Day once a month…pure PURE JOY!!
Grovesfan says:
I’m experiencing this temporarily myself this week.
Alex is gone for the summer(he’s almost 20). He’s working at our Christian camp; running the sound system, mowing, fixing boats and such. He’s having a ball and I miss him so much!
Kelly(almost 17)only “graces” us with her presence when she wants money, or likes something I’m making for dinner. She’s working this summer too and then hangs out with her “cool” friends when she’s not working.
Mackenzie(13)is at Bible camp this week. At least her brother gets to see her! She’ll be home tomorrow!
Mary(9)just finished her final day of hockey camp #1. She’s all mine for the weekend and then she’s off to Bible camp. I’m driving her, just so I can hold off the goodbye, and see my son too.
My husband is currently working 12 hour overnight shifts. His last day off was two weeks ago. He sleeps (tries) all day so it’s just me and the dog; and he’s not noisy.
I’m not really liking this too much right now. I may have to think back on this week though when we’re all in the car headed to Michigan next month and the squabbling seems non-stop.
Chris says:
We haven’t officially hit the full effect of the empty nest yet, but have had a little taste – and I am not sure how we will deal with it….
Our eldest went off to college last fall, and there were tears for a few months as we missed her and tried to adapt to not having her around. We still had youngest daughter at home, but it was quiet – too quiet – without her sister at home.
She is back now for the summer, and we are enjoying her again (although she wants to spend her time with her boyfriend) – that may be the hardest part – having to share her with someone else that loves her….
Not sure I will figure this out (as with anything else in life). If we get used to something I am pretty sure God throws us something else to keep us on our toes and to keep us growing (even when we want to stay still for a while)….
Beth says:
It’s hard. Really hard. Our youngest is heading off to college this fall and I dread it. But I think the most important thing is keeping your relationship with your spouse vibrant. I really like my husband, as well as loving him, and I enjoy spending time with him. I feel sorry for people whose sole focus was on their kids for all those years, and then they find that they are strangers….
Ron Woods says:
You are right, Beth. But you can’t expect your spouse to fill a void that was filled by one of your kids. It’s just … different. I guess I’m just saying that you need to be careful not to set-up unrealistic expectations. You are 100% correct about the huge blessing it is to have a spouse that you connect with on multiple levels. Just don’t expect him to erase the sense of loneliness that comes when a kid leaves. If your “child” leaves and you don’t miss him/her, well, something was probably wrong in that relationship. It’s normal an necessary to feel the pain. Sucks though.
Ian Durias says:
What a great share! And I appreciate these insightful comments. I’ll have to keep these stored away for when our kids get older. What great reminder to totally drink in the time my wife an have with our kiddos.
julie says:
a few months ago i realized, after my oldest left for her own place, it would be a long time (if ever) that my four children would be asleep under our roof at the same time. it makes my heart ache. the bathroom is surprisingly cleaner without my beautiful 19 year old daughter, (hair product and make-up perhaps?)but i would trade it all for her to be back.
pendy says:
Here’s how it works. Bit by bit, your children become more independent. By the time they’re in high school, they are not home much at all. They become involved in extracurricular activities at school and spend a lot of time with friends. You get used to having a lot of time at home with them not around. When they leave for college and you are having that alone time, it’s easy to imagine them still just at a friend’s house. In other words, you are gradually weaned from the all-consuming phase of parenthood before they actually leave home.
We are enjoying our empty nest very much, but I think it’s because we are close enough to our grown children (no more than five hours in the car) to see them once in a while and never underestimate the role technology plays (cell phones and blogs) in keeping emotionally close.
Also, most importantly, we find that our children, as adults, are such great fun (and we have the added bonus of a grandbaby now).
Beth says:
Thanks, Pendy! That’s very encouraging, and sort of how I want to look at it. I miss the days so much when my kids were young, and we were our own little world. Lets face it, life (in this world) is loss. But even as my children have grown and matured, I’ve discovered a different kind of beauty in my changing relationship with them. We are very emotionally close, and we’re evolving more and more into our eternal relationship, which will be as brothers and sisters in Christ! We can connect more and more as friends, and we can have discussions about theology, politics, history, literature, music, etc.
That’s not to say that I’m not nostalgic for the days when they were young. Sometimes I’m really, really sad that those days are gone forever, and I miss them terribly! But I’m trying to be present in the moment, too, and to glorify God with my life as it is today.
Stretch Mark Mama says:
I’ve come to realize that I enjoy the ‘challenge’ of parenting. I mean, *anyone* can dice a potato, but who, WHO can dice a potato while being tapped incessantly on the leg by the 5YO, screamed at from the upstairs by the 7YO, AND all the while sense that the 3YO is up to no good in the next room? Sure, I complain about the Circus now, but truly. I’d be lost without it.
I never thought my life before kids was boring (it wasn’t). (Okay it was. But that has nothing to do with being kid-less.) But these days, when I go off into my Happy Place, I think, “Wow. Imagine what I’ll be able to accomplish when these troops have MOVED OUT.”
Stretch Mark Mama says:
I have promised myself, PROMISED, that no matter how much I’ll miss having the kids around, I will NOT miss the MESS.
Oh. THE MESS.
Which reminds me, I believe I spent most of my pre-kid years cleaning the house. Now? WHY BOTHER.
That is all.
Jeremy says:
I understand where you are coming from, I’ve got 3 kids of my own and when they are not around the house is so empty feeling. I missed the little things they would say like “I’m hungry”, “I need to go potty”, “I’m thirsty” and most of all
“I love you daddy”.
Cheryl says:
For the first couple of weeks, it felt sooooo strange…yes, way too quiet. And then I thought to myself, no more waiting up til they get in on a weekend night, no more worrying about the latest friend I was introduced to or talking through misunderstandings or hurt feelings. Wow, was i wrong! And I’m glad I was wrong…turns out they are pretty darn great kids that I love interacting with. While I no longer wait up til I see the whites of their eyes on a Saturday night, sometimes I lay awake in bed wondering what they’re up to. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great now, some 3 years later. My husband and I have time to pursue lots of interests that were on the shelf, we love living spur of the moment. But, I miss my kids. All is as it should be, though. They are building their own lives, learning their lessons, and yes, sometimes they call to talk things through. Could it now be the best of both worlds?
Ron says:
I think it’s like most things in life that involve change. It takes time. So give it time. Or I could be wrong.
I still say the 47 inch HDTV is a reasonable response.
Christine says:
This was me and my husband last weekend. As we too ate at a restaurant we’d never take the girls to, I mentioned to him how when I was little my parents would go on these big international trips once a year with my dad’s job. We’d be carted between different friends’ homes and wait impatiently for them to come home, missing them desperately. I can remember as a kid being anxious to be all grown up so I wouldn’t miss them so much when we were apart. And it’s true, I can be apart from my parents for a few weeks at a time and get thru life just fine. Trouble is, now I miss my kids just as desperately as I missed my own mom and dad when I was little. The hubs misses them too. We enjoy our alone time and giving them the opportunity to make special memories with the grandparents. But beyond the different routine, I just miss their sweet little selves to love on, even if they are beating the crap out of each other!
tamera says:
first of all, i absolutely agree with ron about the bigger tv-it really does help! both my daughters left for college a year apart. my husband and i both had a really hard time, especially when our nest truly was empty. it seemed to be much harder for me, and i shed many tears! i prayed, worked really long hours, talked to friends, and spent time with my husband. after 4 years, my hubby and i have a new rhythm to our lives. our girls facebook/text/email/call us just about every day-thank goodness for technology! our girls are still huge parts of our hearts and lives, they’re just not always physically here. oh, and besides the new tv, we also got a lively little black schnauzer puppy…
Jen says:
Ha ha! Oh Shaun! When I graduated high school, my parents adopted two kids, aged 3 and not quite 5. They decided they wanted to do it all over again. As if that’s not enough, just last year, my 13 year old sister was adopted, throwing my parents right back into the horrors of teeny-bopper horomones. A 12-year-old boy and 2 13-year old girls. What were they thinking…??