Shaun Groves
I have an article due this morning on the topic of collaboration. Ironically, I’m writing it alone. I prefer it that way. I’m thinking this morning about why that is and whether it’s a character flaw of mine or just a personal preference.
The article is for Worship Leader Magazine and the issue I’m writing for is all about this idea of creating together – something I shy away from, especially in song writing. When I co-write a song, which I rarely ever do, I walk away feeling compromised. I leave knowing that a line I loved got scrapped or a melody in the bridge isn’t something I can sing or an entire verse doesn’t sound like something I’d say. I walk in wanting to leave with a song dominated by my choices, done my way from start to finish, and exit disappointed.
I was thinking about all this while getting kids ready for the day – making breakfast, brushing hair into pony tails, pouring juice – and preparing in my head for the final rewriting still needed on my article this morning. It dawned on me that at this point in the day, the breakfast and getting ready time, Becky and I are the least collaborative. She has her ways and I have mine and we don’t compromise.
I insist my two oldest cut up their own breakfast and Becky does it for them as soon as I leave the room. I can’t get my big fingers to wrap a band around a ponytail three times so I leave it at two. Becky twists it a third on the way out the door. She tells Gabriella she can’t wear short sleeves and I, not knowing this, tell her it’s all right if she wears a heavy coat outside. On and on it goes, we do and redo, stumbling over each other all morning. There’s too much to get done to cooperate.
Strange that two people who love each other as much as we do so naturally refuse to work together on such trivial matters.
I’m wondering if we do this for the same reasons I don’t cowrite. If it’s going to be done well it has to be done by me and my way. I’m too busy to be slowed down by you. Or maybe I’m such a bad communicator that I know instinctively I’d be no good at collaboration. I think mostly – for me – the problem is primarily my inability to walk into breakfast or church or a writing room being OK leaving in a while with something that’s not entirely controlled by and a reflection of me. What do you think? Are you any good at collaboration? You’re not? Why?
I’m off to rewrite.
By myself.
kim says:
Shaun,
I believe they call us Type A personalities… we are always right, our way is always the best way and we are always willing to fight to the death to prove it.
Matt and I do the same thing!! We stumble over each other, growl at each other, whisper in a child’s ear that even though it’s not the right way (MINE), Daddy said to do it this way today and when he leaves for work we’ll fix it. It’s bad, I know, but my way does work better. When we met, 12 years ago, he convinced me why the toilet paper rolls better over, not under… it took a while, but to avoid a nasty break up, I do it his way. Just like with the kids, I pick my battles. He does the same for me. I have to have the bath towels folded a particular way and all lined up and facing that way, wash rags included… weird!
The big difference between us is Matt tells me why his way works, he researches and explains from different points of view. I just redo what he has done and tell him that I like it that way because it’s prettier so please do it that way.
I see Briana being just as particular with things. It’s scary to see a 9 year old already becoming her mother!!! I watched her re-fold all of her laundery one day because I folded it left handed and she likes to unfold it right handed.
That’s what you get living next to the RedNecks!!!
Kim
Shaun Groves says:
Matt isright. Toilet paper should always roll over the top.
Shawn says:
Shaun,
First off I agree, toilet paper should in fact roll over the top. Second, there are many people who read your blog, comment on your blog, many times being in conversation form, and many times you don’t respond to the comment.
Being one of these people, I comment in certain blogs because I like the conversation format. I am willing to compromies certain things and enjoy a good debate or discussion. Problem is, and I think you nailed it right on the head, your communication skills suck when it comes to two way communication.
I believe you to be a great communicator TO people, but maybe not so much WITH people. I hope you understand I am not trying to put you down, many people are just made this way, and as a friend to a few of them, it is at this time I compromise and don’t take it personally.
Have an awesome day and I look forward to meeting you on the 20th and hanging out.
Peace, Shawn
PS I don’t expect a reply to this comment…
Josh says:
I’m terrible with collaboration especially when it comes to songwriting. I think this is due to the fact that I’m too nice to tell people their ideas suck and ditch them so I’d much rather not deal with them to begin with. This is also why I despised groupwork in school – I despised the morons. And there were always morons.
I’m not married yet so we’ll see how long this mentality lasts, eh?
Oh, and God designed the toilet paper to go over the top. Can’t make that up.
Shaun Groves says:
Shawn, when you actually have comments on your blog you can model better communication with readers for me.
Until then, I guess I’ll just have to keep being the mediocre blogger that I am and responding to my readers only a dozen or so times a day while also being a husband, father, friend, writer and musician.
; )
SG
Shawn says:
Gee Shaun, If people that read my blog took the time to comment I may then have room to talk.
By the way this comment “Being one of these people, I comment in certain blogs because I like the conversation format” from my previous post, if taken the time to read, it says I am the one commenting, not people commenting on my blog.
So your comment of “Shawn, when you actually have comments on your blog you can model better communication with readers for me” has no valid point. And since I don’t have a public name, ie Shaun Groves, odds of random people reading my blogs and commenting to feel a part of someone “famous’s” life is slim.
But thanks for the criticism I enjoy it especially when it is out of defense from someone who self-admittingly has two way communication problems.
Still looking forward to spending my money and supporting a fellow christian who is an artist,
Shawn
PS by the way, I never claimed that you were a mediocre blogger as I enjoy reading your blogs…obviously
Shawn says:
Oh and if you would like to see what two way communication skill I have, since my blog does not represent this, feel free to come to work with me one day and deal with forty or so patients, mostly geriatrics, trying to meet their medical needs, keeping them calm as I deal with mostly blind people, and still clocking out with a smile.
Yet somehow I find time to read blogs commenting on those blogs and occassionally blog myself. Then my friend, we can disuss communication issues.
But hey you can make this about me and my opinion being wrong if you’d like, but I was just agreeing with you from the start, I mean after all you are the one that writes this blog.
Peace, Shawn
Shaun Groves says:
Anybody else confused?
Shawn says:
How may I help you not to be confused about the statements I made? I hope you understand I am not trying to put you down, and maybe the way I came across was malacious, but that was not my intent, so I apologize if you took it personal. Just to let you know I am starting afternoon patients and may not have a chance to respond until later on.
Brant says:
I positively love collaborating, artistically, and relinquishing control…with people I’m convinced are my equals or superiors in the given realm of endeavor.
This is because I care about what I’m doing, and if I were setting out to be lame, well, I wouldn’t be doing it in the first place.
Except on hygiene issues. But no one wants to collaborate with me on those, anyway.
Shaun Groves says:
No, Shawn, I think you just missed my initial sarcasm. And that’s not your fault. Happens to me all the time on-line. Doesn’t always translate well in type I admit. That bad communication thing of mine again, I guess.
No foul.
I’m not as obviously funny to everyone else as I am to myself apparently (that, too, is sarcasm…sort of.)
And yea, Brant, I love to collaborate in general, just not in the morning when I can be a bit of a crank. And not on important issues like pony tails! The song writing thing is hard for me too because I have a really strong “vision” for where a song should go and how it should get there before the other guy even shows up and unpacks his guitar. If it’s his idea we’re working on together I don’t have that problem. You know, I don’t mind screwing up his vision – it’s just mine that needs protecting.
Yikes. I’m annoying myself now. Oh well, no shame no gain.
SG
Nancy Tyler says:
Family legend says that my “I’ll do it MYSELFness” made its debut on my first birthday when I grabbed the edge of the coffee table and took my first steps around its perimeter, clinging to the table and refusing to hold my parents’ hands.
I don’t know about back then, but these days, I know that it’s my pride that initially leads me to interpret people’s attempts at helpfulness as their thinking that I’m incompetent. So I repeatedly have to rein in my prideful response, reinterpret people’s helpfulness through a filter of grace and express gratitude for the brave few who love me enough and have enough fortitude to withstand my defensive flailing as they try to help fill in the gaps between my strengths.
I’m such a slow learner, but I’m constantly discovering the frightening freedom of not having to be in control of and be the sole person responsible for the success of everything I’m involved in (relationships, work projects, message boards, even). Surprise, surprise, there’s more than one way right way to do most things and I don’t hold the patent on the best way to do everything.
As for writing…At work, I’ve gotten used to having to collaborate and getting weird and wild edits and suggestions from our ‘powers that be.’ It took years, but I’m mostly able now to divorce myself emotionally from what I write on the job. I explain my points to them, but the final call belongs to the people who are higher on the bureaucratic food chain than I am. Submitting to authority, imagine that. And I still get my paycheck, even if they want to turn everything into passive voice and use cheesy analogies (which is what I’m grinning my way through today. LOL)
When it comes to “my” writing off the clock, I don’t have any interest in collaborating right now. I’m always very, very happy to help other people with their writing and have done that a lot. But for my own stuff, I have a pretty clear idea of what to write about and how to say it. That material comes out of my heart and my experience so I want it to still sound like me in the end.
Shawn says:
Shaun,
True story, I didn’t pick up on your initial sarcasm. I apologize if mine too came off wrong. I guess a little miscommunication was the problem…hmmm go figure on both our parts. Anyway when I said your communication skills sucked it definantly came across wrong as I read it myself a second time. Looking forward to meeting you still… and that’s not sarcasm.
Peace bro, Shawn
Mark says:
I am horrid at colaberating. Just as the youth I was supposed to be leading worship WITH the last few years at church.
It’s me. I am resistent to change. And I know I am right, even when I am not necessarily right.
However, I do know that toliet paper goes under, not over. The rest of you know you’re wrong.
You’ll thank me later.
Mark
Who just finished the newest MONK novel today.
Beth says:
The best thing that happened around our house was when my husband started working at 5:30 am. He leaves about 15 minutes before I get up, so I get to have my morning my way, and he gets to have his morning his way. I think our marriage is doing better because of it….
The Redneck Neighbor says:
And to think all these years I thought Kim wasn’t listening (statement)….it’s good to hear that she finally learned which way the toilet paper belongs. (statement)
Speaking of bathrooms when did this post become a peeing contest…..Shawn?…Shaun? (sarcasm)
I like this new way of commenting. (statement) It really helps to clarify what I’m trying to get across. (statement)
Anyway, toilet paper is properly placed, towels are folded and aligned properly. (statement) Now it’s time to put my business socks on. (unfortunately that’s also sarcasm.)
AL says:
HOW QUICKLY you dismiss “Liquid Life.”
Dude.
Ryan G. says:
My brother writes most of “our” music. It took him 4 years (or maybe it took me 4 years) to trust me with collaberation. Even now, he writes on his own and then lets me critique after, and if I have a decent suggestion, he listens.
I always have decent suggestions.
(mu-wahahahha) But seriously, I treasure those songs where he has hit a roadblock and comes to me for help.
So, I agree with Brant. You have to trust the person you’re working with. Its easy to be the one who is being trusted. It’s always hard to let someone critique your work.