Becky has a theory – this one does not advocate breaking any of the ten commandments or blaming the pope for stuff. The theory goes that every conflict and many negative emotions come from one’s expectations not being met. And all sense of security, contentment and bliss occurs when one’s expectations are being met or exceeded.
Our expectations are kept on a mental list, whether we realize it or not, the theory goes, and when we’re upset we need to stop and figure out what expectation on our list is not being met, decide if it’s a reasonable expectation and get rid of it if it’s not.
There was a time when I was very angry at my former record label. I didn’t even know why at times. Years of reflection have brought clarity to us both though. They sometimes expected me to be Artist A and I couldn’t be. I expected them to be Label B and they couldn’t be. Neither of us were getting what we expected from the other.
A friend of mine is married to an alcoholic. She expected when she said “I do” that her husband would always be the even-keeled, kind and healthy man she’d always known. The courtship years set expectations for her marriage. Now, he expects her to forgive his bad behavior again and again forever without any negative consequences.
This morning my three year-old flipped out and started yelling at me because she wanted a skirt, not the shorts I was attempting to put on her. I expected her to be rational and understand the impossibility of wearing a skirt when the skirts are in the washing machine. She expected me to grant her wish and to tolerate her loud disrespect. Instead, I granted her nakedness alone in time-out and stripped her of her blanket for the day. She did not expect this. She was not happy. Nor was I.
But not only, according to the wise Becky, does not meeting expectations cause strife, but meeting and exceeding them – or lowering them so they can be met or exceeded – causes bliss.
Someone from my former label asked me to lunch a while ago and, over some chips and cheese, apologized for not meeting my expectations. I apologized for not making my expectations clearer and not changing them when I should have. He then told me all the kind encouraging confidence-bolstering things I needed to hear for years. I didn’t expect that. Peace broke out. Empathy and forgiveness too.
I don’t know what my friend and her husband will do next. I have little wisdom for her. But I’m certain that if her husband, by some miracle, decides he’s merely human and can’t beat addiction on his own and he gets some medical help and sobers, well, I’m sure that would exceed his wife’s expectations and bring much needed happiness and security to a marriage that is lacking it this morning. For this to happen he’ll have to redefine normal, change his expectations of himself and she’ll have to stick to hers.
After the skirt meltdown, Becky came home from the gym and I was relieved of my parenting duties to get to work. I was in no frame of mind to work well though so instead I drove around for a few minutes to calm down and think. I realized my mistake – expecting a three year-old to act like a seven year-old or like me. And I knew I was more harsh than I needed to be in reacting to my little girl. So I drove by Smoothie King and bought myself a massive drink and three little ones too. I handed them out when I got home and took Penelope aside to make amends. I reassured her that I love her and reminded her how smart she is and how many great words she knows and asked her to use them instead of yelling at me when she’s angry next time. She wasn’t expecting that.
It’s become a joke in our house. Becky will occasionally say, when she’s feeling stressed out, “I’m lowering my expectations.” It stings just a bit when you’re the one she’s deciding to expect less from, and I usually am, but it’s freeing too. And knowing that she’s realized she’s expecting too much proves she’s doing work work on our relationship and not just expecting me to do it all and that, ironically, motivates me to do all I can too. And when she lowers her expectations it always makes me stop and look over my own lists. I often realize how unrealistic I’m being with my own expectations and I inevitably start crossing things off my lists.
I’m doing that this morning. I’m feeling overwhelmed. I’m not content at all. I’m uneasy, tense, on edge. Not for long, just the last few days. I suspect it’s because I’ve had so little time to work and the time I’ve had has been constantly interrupted by technology problems or kids or my own lack of concentration and my inner critics. I’m deciding to lower my expectations of my technology and my family and myself – some of my expectations are unrealistic anyway: Who can work at home with three children and never be interrupted or write 2,000 perfect words every day? I’m making a new calendar and a list as soon as I post this – a list of things I can realistically get done today and every day this week to claw may way back to caught up.
What do you do to get a grip when you feel like you’re losing it? To reclaim contentment when it’s slipped away? To make peace when the bullets are flying?
Jeana says:
Wow, Becky is smart AND funny. Lucky man.
Sarah Chia says:
I like this theory more than the last one. ๐
To get over all the negative feeling that you asked about there at the end, I like to stick in Bebo Norman’s latest album (Between the Dreaming and the Coming True).
It’s very encouraging.
I also try to remind myself to focus on truth and not just feelings.
For example, my husband loves me even when we’re fighting. I may not *feel* loved, but I am. Thinking on the things that are true, good, noble, right, pure, lovely… that’s what pulls me through.
Grovesfan says:
I heard a quote on TV the other day that struck me funny at first, but then, once I thought about it, realized how true it really is. The quote was “you can choose your feelings and you can choose to change your feelings.” I’m working at choosing and choosing to change too.
Beth
Shaun Groves says:
Sarah, maybe you didn’t like her last theory because it didn’t meet your expectations.
Boo.
yah.
And I like me some Bebo too.
Emily says:
I make lists. They help me feel less overwhelmed. Then, I take those lists and try (note *try*) to hand the control over. I go for a run, take deep breaths, and wait on tomorrow.
angie says:
I so agree with this theroy!
I’ve learned in my marriage to stop and look at what the fight is about. Is it really what Jerry did or didn’t do or is it what I expected him to say or do.
Our shinning example: Mother’s Day,
I expected him to have three shiny faces ready for church by 7:45 with calmness and love glowing all ‘round. And, of course, our daughters hair perfectly fixed.
I got jelly smudged cards (they tried to make me breakfast) and boys dressed, but a distraught husband trying to put a ponytail and bow in the 2 year olds hair. I thought they both might cry.
My expectations were, shall we say, slightly unrealistic.
As for your questions, I just start reciting back to God all the blessings He’s given me. All the valleys we’ve walked together.
“When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say, Blessed be your name!”
The harder it is or the longer it takes is in the end usually better, beacause I’ve spent more time with my Saviour.
Thanks for all the great posts and the honesty. It’s good to know we’re all walking this path together!
Angie
Sarah Chia says:
I would say that we can also have so-called negative emotions from our expectations being met if our expectations are sad ones.
Take your wife’s polygamy theory for example. I probably *wouldn’t* expect that from a Christian woman. So, okay… I don’t like it cause of that.
But I *would* expect it from a sicko cult leader in Utah. I still have very “negative” emotions toward it.
Does her theory make a loophole for that?
Tim says:
I have a couple of friends who say that an expectation is just a resentment in escro…
Lindsey says:
Wow. This was so ridiculously relevant for me right now.
I think I need to lower some of my expectations.
Tbanks.
Kelly @ Love Well says:
Whoa. Awesome quote from Tim.
I think I need to borrow Becky and take her to coffee, because I have an adjacent theory about expectations—basically, that they fluctuate according to what life hands you.
Do you think she’d want to come to Minnesota? It’s cool and rainy up here.
ben stewart says:
I just don’t ever get stressed out.
Kidding.
Generally a good brain dump helps me get things straight and then I just knock out as many of the little things as possible. Sometimes it works, other times not.
Racer says:
This is a fabulous post.
Thanks for the reminder.
Biblefanmaryann says:
I go to my room and pout. lol
Here’s a quote I thought of when you said something about trying to write 2000 perfect words a day…
“Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it.” – C.S. Lewis
Hope it encourages you!
RevJeff says:
That was soooo much more than I expected to read here… not because I’ve come to have low expectations from you, or because I feel that you should be “BLOGGER A or B” it just really hits the proverbial nail…
Peace, today!
Geneva says:
I’m beginning to think Becky is a genius. Either that or she’s not real…. We never actually hear directly from Becky. It’s always, “Becky thinks,” or “Becky has a theory”….
Krista says:
This one speaks to me. I gotta stop placing all the blame on my husband and realize that most likely my expectations are some (or most) of the problem. Maybe if I lay off he’ll want to do more on his own…
Jennifer says:
Hi, came over from Rocks in my Dryer.
This is excellent. I find that a lot of my parenting of my passionate, strong-willed daughter is in managing her expectations. She does not take well to changes in plans, particularly if the changes are disappointing…she has trouble moving on. She does much better when she knows what to expect, when I warn her of transitions, when I note that we MAY do such-and-such if the planets align, etc. (The “wished for outfit in the hamper” scenario is exactly the kind of thing that could make her go 0 to 60 in a few seconds.)
And then I started noticing that I myself get rather irritated and, ahem, grumpy when MY plans change at the last minute…and when my (usually unspoken! my poor husband!) expectations are not met. I don’t fall down on the floor screaming like my 5 year old used to (and still does once in a awhile)…but sometimes I feel like it.
I did have a year-long temper tantrum at God some time ago…because my expectations were not met. I wonder how many crises of faith come from incorrect expectations of who God is and what He *should* be doing.
Genny says:
Great thoughts! So glad I stopped by. (found this through Rocks in My Dryer…)
Lisa says:
Found you on Shannon’s Saturday link list, too, and am impressed with the simplicity AND the difficulty of this solution to common human “blowout.” Hard, but hits a deep spot of truth. I guess I have a responsibility to try this method out now, don’t I?
Cinde says:
Wow – once again you got me thinking! I agree that working at home with kids is prime turf for frustration. I guess my way of coping is also lowering expectations which most often means cutting the to-do list, prioritizing projects, asking for help and accepting less than perfect (my way) results.
Rachel Phillips says:
A friend just pointed me to your blog and this post in particular. I think you bring up some great points, and I love your examples. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your life to benefit others.
I once heard that frustration stems not from having too high expectations but from the GAP between your expectation and the reality. Either way, they blend together and are up to us to change and reevaluate.

Thanks again.