REVELATION: HERE’S WHAT’S BROKEN

The process begins when I’m made aware of a weakness, a fault, a bad habit, conflict or attitude.  It’s hard to hear or suddenly realize you’re not doing as well as you thought you were but the truth doesn’t just hurt, it helps.

DECISION: ACCEPT OR REJECT?

Then a decision has to be made: Do I really have issues that need to be addressed or am I/this person wrong?  I usually tell myself two things when I first arrive at this point in the process: 1) I’m not that bad. I’m doing better in this area than so-and-so or “most people.” 2) Hey, lay off.  I’m doing better in this area than I once was.  I’ve made a lot of progress and I just can’t do better than this. (Me at nineteen is usually the me I like comparing today’s me to at this point.  I always come out ahead in that comparison.)

INVESTIGATE: SECOND OPINIONS

If I decide not to ignore these problems, next, I investigate them.  (I really don’t like this part of the process.) I do that by talking (shocker.) I ask Brian, Becky and others if these issues that have recently been revealed are legit, if I really have a problem that needs addressing.  I pray they say no.  They almost always say yes.  Sometimes they say sort of or yes, but here’s another problem you need to work on also.  Ouch.

STRATEGIZE: WHAT NEXT?

Then, I get very quiet, very distracted.  I think and pray and talk (some more) until I figure out what I need to do to fix what’s busted in me and, if applicable, what I need to do to make things right with anyone who may have been hurt by my problem.  A couple times that meant I got professional help – someone who could ask me the right questions and help me figure out what to do next and how to do it. 

MAKE: DO SOMETHING

Then I do it. THIS IS IMPORTANT.  If I don’t do something, I’ve learned, self-pitty sets in.  I feel worthless, knowing I’ve screwed up or I have flaws that need to be fixed but I start to believe I can’t do anything about them.  Have you met people like this?  They sometimes say stuff like “This is just the way I am.” They know the problem, they know you know the problem, they may even know how to fix it, but they’ve stalled in the process.  It’s important, for me, to do something, anything, at this point to avoid self-pitty and stagnation.

STUFF TO DO: A FEW EXAMPLES

So, if it’s a disagreement with a person that’s the issue, I come up with something I can apologize for, some fault that’s mine, and I say I’m sorry – and mean it.  I write a letter or go see a friend I’ve hurt.  I spend thirty minutes a day in silence to regain control over my speech.  I cancel appointments to reduce my stress.  I read a book on how to raise a kid through a specific problem so I can handle it better next time.  I take my wife on vacation so we can reconnect.  I change jobs.  I eliminate a word or phrase from my vocabulary.  I do something.  Anything. 

Because peace doesn’t just happen.  It’s made.  Peace making is pro-active, constructive, literally getting out the tools and doing the hard work.

And it’s painful.  It was painful when Jesus made peace between us and God the Father.  Nails.  Beatings.  Thorns.  Painful stuff.  It’s no different for me.  Hard things sometimes have to be said, changes have to be made, sacrifices are demanded, rough-edged pride is swallowed.  But it works.

I go through this peace process once or twice a year now – less than I once did, way less than I did when I was nineteen.  I just went through it this week and it was as horrible and helpful as ever.  And now, for the first time in a while, I feel whole.  I can sleep.  I’m not hating who I am anymore or angry at anyone else.

Peace on earth.