Someone gifted Good Housekeeping to my wife.  She doesn’t read it.  She says it’s not good for her self-esteem. Seems like a wasted gift, I told her.  Seems like a waste of paper, she responded.  And so she read it out loud to me – ironically – while I mopped the floors last night.  Here’s what we learned from the February 2007 edition of Good Housekeeping:

1. I can lose 30 lbs without dieting.  I’m too busy to exercise and too undisciplined to eat less, but I better do something because if I don’t I’ll keep being ugly.  And ugly is the worst thing I can be.

2. If I’m worried I should make a list of what I really want out of life and not stop until I get everything on the list.  Things on that list will probably include, but not be limited to, getting a higher paying job and getting the body I’ve always wanted.

3. Lots of women die of heart disease so they should eat better and see a doctor.

4. Wrinkles can be erased with expensive creams, treatments and surgery.  If I have wrinkles I’m old and unattractive and am stupid not to do something to rid my face of them.

5. My marriage isn’t good if the sex is so-so.  Forget emotional connection, trust, vulnerability, security, companionship and that other nonsense.  What I need is more sex or I’m apparently, according to the PHD, unhappy.

6. Certain jeans look better than others on people with my body type.  The kind that look best cost $185.

7. Even people over forty (!!) can be in love and be loved.  They’re mostly movie and TV stars though, with younger boyfriends, no wrinkles, good-fitting jeans, no heart disease, great sex lives, and current projects to promote.