We Do Not Grieve Like Those Who Have No Hope
There is assurance of salvation for those who die from depression found in God's unwavering promises.
We do not grieve like those who have no hope.
Phil was exhausted. For weeks his nights were either sleepless or interrupted by anxious thoughts. Like so many nights before, Phil slipped out of bed and slinked to his closet, Bible in hand. Like so many nights before, he knelt there, Scripture open, praying alone. But this night, just after midnight, Phil ended his life.
Nine years later, Phil’s family and those who called him their pastor are still asking why. Why would a man so gifted at dispensing hope lose his altogether? Why would the man who loved us all well choose to abandon us? Will we see him again or was his final act unpardonable? None of us would have asked these questions had old age, cancer, or heart disease taken Phil from us. Suicide leaves a wake of hard whys that complicate our grief and threaten our hope.
We cannot return to yesterday and stop suicide from taking a loved one’s life, but we can determine today not to let suicide take our hope. By reframing our understanding of suicide and recalling God’s promises to all who have placed their faith in Jesus, we can grieve like those who have hope.
Let’s first reexamine our understanding of suicide. When I was twelve, clinical depression engulfed me in the middle of Mrs. Armstrong’s algebra class. It was not unusual for sixth graders to experience some sadness in Mrs. Armstrong’s algebra class! But this was much more than sadness. Andrew Solomon, a professor of Medical Psychology, describes clinical depression as “grief disproportionate to reality.” This illness has been compared to the “noonday demon” of Psalm 91:6 which brings darkness while the sun is highest.
Dr. Solomon captures the way depression tricks the mind into a hopeless, distorted reality. He writes, “You don’t think in depression that you’ve put on a grey veil and are seeing the world through the haze of a bad mood. You think that the veil has been taken away, the veil of happiness, and that now you’re seeing truly.” What’s worse, a person in the grip of severe depression may struggle to recall a past when they felt better or imagine a future when they will feel better again.
Clinical depression brings unrelenting despair, erases the memory of joys past and all possibility of joys future, and may flood its victim with a sometimes overpowering compulsion to end their life. Phil’s suicide was not the reasoned choice of a rational and healthy mind. Phil died of depression.
Understanding clinical depression as a life-threatening illness—not unlike cancer or heart disease—allows us to view a loved one’s suicide as the final symptom of a devastating sickness rather than a moral failure or a choice to abandon us. Shifting my perspective in this way has relieved feelings of rejection and freed me to grieve Phil’s passing with greater compassion for him.
Reframing my father-in-law’s death in this way has enabled me to confidently claim promises God makes to all those who are in Christ and in tragedy. In one of Phil’s last sermons he declared,
“None of us are exempt from the tragedies of life or the unanswered questions they bring. When a tragedy happens, the first question that comes to us is ‘Why?’ We can see no reason for it. We’re overwhelmed by the mystery of it. Jesus Himself asked the question on the cross, ‘My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?’ In tragedy, it seems God has forsaken us. But God has not and God will not.”
We do not grieve like those who have no hope. Phil has not been forsaken by God. Neither have we. The God who promised never to abandon his children never left Phil’s side and is still with him and with us now. The God who saw Phil’s tears through sleepless nights has now dried them all and given rest. Phil’s faith in Christ, his love and devotion to God and others, was not erased by one final irrational act of a diseased mind.
