There’s always a lot of pink. And fruit tea. The songs are all in the wrong keys. And every men’s restroom sign has a “women’s restroom” sign taped over it, which I invariably discover only after drinking too much fruit tea.
But still.
I’m thankful for women’s conferences. Attending them (as a speaker for Compassion International) has made me a better husband to my wife and a better friend to women.
I listen from the front row as dozens of wise women speak – Beth Moore, Angela Thomas, Jennifer Rothschild, Ann Voskamp, Lisa-Jo Baker – all addressing a universal female problem: shame.
No, they never call it that. But researcher, Brene Brown does. She studies – among other things – why men and women feel shame.
Men, she’s found, feel shame when they are made to look weak. (Remember this the next time you hear a woman speaking to her husband with the same tone she uses with her children.)
But Brown says the shame of women is much different. Women feel shame when they can’t do everything and do it well. It’s a kind of pernicious perfectionism made worse by her tendency to compare herself to other women online and in real life who seem to be doing everything and doing it all well.
And so every speaker I’ve ever heard at a women’s conference, no matter her topic, is actually speaking about a woman’s shame.
When Lisa-Jo Baker tells women that parenting is hard for her and that God uses that difficulty to make her more like Jesus? She’s talking to ashamed women. She’s removing the shame of not parenting perfectly, and giving that struggle a purpose.
When Ann Voskamp speaks about worry and anxiety and fear and her need to be more present and grateful? She’s speaking to ashamed women. She’s removing the shame of not keeping up, offering contentment and giving permission to rest.
They’re both saying “me too!”, and this takes the power out of perfectionism. It demolishes the lie that a woman’s shame is built on, the illusion that any woman is actually doing everything and doing it all well.
Nine hundred women at the start of Friday night’s conference were asked to stand if they felt empty and needed to be filled up. Most of the room stood. I listened as women around me prayed for each other. Whispered pleas of the self-shamed exhausted by to-do lists that never end, children who don’t listen, endless laundry, days that are never perfect…and husbands…
Who don’t see.
Who don’t help.
Who don’t empathize.
Who don’t encourage.
Because they don’t know how much it’s needed.
I confess I didn’t know. I had no idea. I doubted my wife was feeling the shame that Brene Brown claims countless women bear, the kind that fills conference after conference. My wife never complains, never cries, never screams, never tells me, never lets on…
So, I asked her. And listened.
I’m a big fan of women’s conferences now. An even bigger fan of my wife. And fruit tea’s starting to grow on me too.
Mary says:
Excellent, as always. Thanks.
Kathy says:
We have been married over 40 years.How does one share this article and it’s truth with her husband without it pointing out that he doesn’t help, doesn’t see, doesn’t encourage, doesn’t empathize?
Sandy says:
It’s true: there really is no magic cleaning fairy.
I dearly love my husband, but there are certain things I know that he’s not capable of taking on board, whereas I am, so those things are my responsibility. It’s getting the balance right between being a working partnership and being aware of the needs of the other spouse. That’s the tricky part. We’re all flawed and we have to lovingly accommodate the other’s foibles, and as long as that goes both ways it works. But why we have a culture that puts so much pressure on women to be a certain way, even to the point that it pervades every strata of Christianity, is the real issue.
I have known a couple of men who, on becoming widowed, received offers of help with the kids, etc. The kindness was wonderful and carried on for years afterwards. But several times I heard people say, or imply, that it was harder for them because they were men, which is why so many offers of help were made. If they had been women, the unspoken implication was that they would have been left to ‘get on with it’.
And you’re right, I am constantly trying to improve myself, and this trait is far more often seen among women, in my experience. Why…?
Jennifer says:
Thank you for naming this. It is overwhelming at times, this shame that comes chiefly from comparison. And I think that’s much of where the “mommy wars” come from, our ugly attempt to throw off our shame by comparison – my parenting style, working arrangement, cleaning method, nutritional choice is so much better than that mom’s. We shame others rather than bringing our shame to Jesus.