Shaun Groves
Is suicide a cowardly and selfish choice?
In the days just after my father-in-law’s death I read every online article written about his suicide and short battle with depression. If they were inaccurate or insensitive, I worked with editors to correct or find better softer words. But there was no changing the hurtful comments left in response to those articles by sometimes calloused and often uninformed Christians.
One commenter confessed…
I don’t understand someone committing suicide when they have a wife and children. You have what some dream of having, a complete life. I just don’t understand the reasoning.
Another wondered…
Did he not believe the words from scripture he read to his church? Did he lose faith and trust in God or was there something more wrong with him?
Another asked…
Isn’t depression partially from harboring some theological errors for a time?
Another rebuked…
Depression is sin with a big fat foothold in someone’s system. The Bible tells us not to worry, not to fear, be afraid, etc. 366 times, one for every day of the year including leap year! What can stinkin thinkin do, but make a person sick? Come on, people, we don’t have to resort to death to deal with the problems of life! God is there! He gives life, and it is premeditated murder to put a deliberate stop to it!
These commentators on my father-in-law’s death (and character in life) believe that cowardice, ingratitude, unbelief, theological error, and selfishness drove him to choose suicide.
These comments can’t be easily dismissed as fringe or minority perspectives. They are commonplace within the American Church and reveal how little progress has been made in educating the public about mental illness.
I hope my few words here today leave us better informed and move the conversation about mental illness forward with a more compassionate tone.
– Depression Is A Brain Sickness –
Depression causes the brain to stop functioning normally – like a heart that doesn’t beat properly or a pancreas that doesn’t produce insulin.
Depression is often described as a chemical imbalance. But this is an oversimplification of a sickness affecting many parts and processes of the brain.
Depression afflicts many important parts of the brain that make you you. Here are three:
- Amygdala: The amygdala is part of the limbic system, a group of structures deep in the brain that’s associated with emotions such as anger, pleasure, sorrow, fear, and sexual arousal. The amygdala is activated when a person recalls emotionally charged memories, such as a frightening situation. Activity in the amygdala is higher when a person is sad or clinically depressed. When depressed I was incapable of feeling anything but insignificance, fear and sorrow.
- Thalamus: The thalamus receives most sensory information and relays it to the appropriate part of the cerebral cortex, which directs high-level functions such as speech, behavioral reactions, movement, thinking, and learning. When depressed I moved, thought and read very slowly and usually could not comprehend what I was reading. It was as if someone had poured syrup into the gears in my brain.
- Hippocampus: The hippocampus is part of the limbic system as well and plays a central role in processing long-term memory and recollection. It is this part of the brain that registers fear when you are in danger. When depressed I would sometimes feel as if I was being chased while I was sitting still – my heart raced, I experienced intense dread. I felt as if my soul was in hell while my body was still here on earth feeling what my soul was going through.
Depression actually stops the creation of new neurons (a process called neurogenesis) in some brain regions and impedes communication and cooperation between parts of the brain too.
This is the current understanding of depression based on the latest research I’ve read, but depression is still not well enough understood; it is complex and study is ongoing.
– Depression Can Kill –
When healthy, my father-in-law was a natural leader, a trusted decision maker, a scholar and articulate communicator. And he was not selfish – I had to be careful about admiring anything he owned because he would insist that I have it! After his death, we heard story after story of his generosity. We discovered he had a habit of giving in secret. Instead of a funeral, we held a celebration and laughed and cried for two hours as stories were told about his life well lived.
At the very end of that life, however, Phil was not himself. Depression shackled his brain, leaving him unable to reason, decide, remember or feel as he had when healthy.
To say Phil chose to end his life then is, in my opinion, inaccurate. Depression killed him. Death by depression looks different from death by heart attack or cancer but, in fundamental ways, it is the same.
Phil chose to end his life, yes. But he chose with a brain incapable of making this most important decision well.
I hope a better understanding of the role mental illness can play in suicide will help us prevent more deaths and respond more compassionately when they occur.
Anonymous says:
Shaun,
Your series on depression a few years back was truly an eye opener. I’ll admit I was one who once thought that if you committed suicide you’d go to hell. But I was bothered by that thought too. Satan is crafty. I just couldn’t come to terms with the fact that a mind lost would necessarily be eternally punished (I hope that even makes sense).
After reading that what, six part series? I was in shock at what you went through but honestly much more open minded and understanding.
Then it happened. A co-workers husband committed suicide while she was at work one day. I work in the office and she called me asking to cover her classroom (she’s a teacher) because she could not get a hold of her husband and she was worried. He’d been clinically depressed for several months.
What I didn’t expect after that was the speculation amongst the staff. Some of what you said above was repeated. But I remembered some of your posts and experiences and was able to share the time when you thought, “They’d been better off without you” and then your wife walked in and wanted to know what you were thinking.
Share Shaun, share your story again, intermixed with that of your Father-in-Law’s. Your story is so good and has had such an impact on the way I think about those struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts.
Noelle says:
Shaun, thank you for sharing these words and giving a voice to those who are hurting so badly. Compassion should be our fall-back answer when there is so much that is unknown.
txredhead64 says:
Truth.
Liz Reeves says:
Shaun,
As the wife of a sufferer of depression and a child with major anxiety issues, this is near & dear to my heart. THANK YOU for sharing and for being honest about it. The Church needs to hear more about it.
karen huber says:
Shaun, I’m so, so sorry for your family’s loss. We too lost a friend (and missionary colleague) to suicide this year and I truly feel she died a martyr for the faith. Praying we can honour the lives they gave to the Lord and fight to dispel the disease that killed them. Thank you for this.
Mick says:
Thanks, Shaun. Do you have any resources or thoughts on how to help people who are in the midst of depression? Is there anything you have written in the past on what you can do to help someone you love who is suffering from depression?
Thomas D. Dalke says:
I’m sorry Shaun for the insensitive comments that some misguided people made during this very difficult time in your and your family’s life. I know in your own way by sharing so openly you are probably just trying to process and understand this terrible tragedy, yet some tragedies in this life will not be understood this side of heaven, and so people if you have any other opinions on this matter please consider their effects on others before sharing them. Now I know Christians are not immune to depression or any other mental or physical illness that stems from biological breakdowns in the brain or human anatomy, our being regenerated by faith in Christ does not guarantee us immunity from any of these things. Christians can still suffer from Alzheimer’s, dementia, cancer, heart disease, diabetes etc, so why in the world would anyone think suffering from depression is a sin, or some sort of personal weakness? Depression and those who suffer it should have our compassion as believers in and followers of the Lord Jesus Christ not our contempt. Again Shaun I’m very sorry for your loss and pray that the Lord will keep you and give you courage and strength as you journey through this most difficult time.
Tessa says:
Thank you so much for this. You have put into words what I has been swirling through my mind ever since I began hearing people tear down those who have committed suicide. I didn’t understand until I had suicidal thoughts myself that they are almost something that overtakes you, something you wish with all your power you could remove from your head. I pray the world can find the compassion and understanding you have. I am so sorry for your loss.
Jan H says:
As a member of his congregation, I’m sorry I didn’t know how to pray for Pastor Phil. I heard he had been diagnosed with a heart problem, and that doctors were adjusting his medication which was making him feel bad. But I didn’t know he was fighting the kind of depression that can kill. Our society puts demerits by your name if you are labeled certain ways – a leader with depression simply isn’t tolerated because it seems so opposing. We have to be better educated on the subject and I’m thankful our church sponsored a conversation with grief counselors who were able to help us sort through the myths and recognize this disease for what it is. One of the take-aways for me from that session: The type of depression that Phil experienced has become very common for successful white males in their 60’s. It can be triggered by lots of things, including a health crisis or diagnosis, specific kinds of medicines, or just the realization that getting older means having to slow down. It’s described as a blackness and an overwhelming feeling of a lack of self worth. Those in the midst of this kind of crisis have lost the ability to think rationally, and sometimes even think that the world is better off without them. It’s a serious disease, and one that others can’t easily understand unless they’ve been through it. Thanks Shaun for identifying the parts of the brain that contribute to the disease. Let’s all pray for intervention for those we love who are facing this trauma – and for a medical cure that can prevent more loss of life to this disease.
Jennifer Friesen says:
Thank you so much for this. Something I believed when I was having suicidal thoughts several years ago was that my family would really be better off without me. I truly believed that I was ruining their lives and that I was being “selfish” to insist on burdening them with my existence. I know now that is a lie, but I believed it at the time. If I had in fact committed suicide, it would have been partly to end the emotional pain, and partly for “the sake of my family”. I don’t think people understand the lies we can believe when we are depressed.
Grace Lee Vaughan says:
What you have said is true and well written. I experienced several months of depression about 15 years ago and it was the worst experience of my life. I suffered from some of the same insensitive remarks from others just as you and the rest of the family have suffered. I hope those who do not understand depression and suicide will be enlightened by what you have said. I loved Phil and I still do.
Michelle says:
I appreciate your sharing this. I hope and pray that others who read it will also gain a deeper understanding of what depression (and other mental illnesses) can do to change a person. I have a close family member with severe anxiety, and work with others who have various mental illnesses, and they are beautiful people, but I know that there are some days that their brains do not allow them to be who they are. It takes a lot of grace some days, on everybody’s behalf.
Grace says:
Suicide can be a spiritual attack as well. I was praying one day and I saw a scary picture. I asked the Lord what it was and he said “a spirit of suicide.” I was just learning to be an intercessor and didn’t understand it. A few weeks later, my neighbor killed himself. I would do anything to go back to the last time I saw him.
I have struggled with this myself in the past. The Lord showed me there was a fear of failure and a spirit of suicide underneath it from my family line. I was healed of this but I see it in my son now, which keeps me in prayer often.
Praying for you all as we all learn more about the disease of depression and suicide.
Kathy Olson says:
I am sorry for the hurtful and unkind comments that you have received. I can’t imagine how much energy it must take to grieve the loss of your father in law and at the same time keep putting yourself out there to dispel the myths and misunderstandings regarding depression. The American church badly needs to absorb what you are saying and respond better. You are fighting a difficult but worthy fight. Thank you.
Christine Hickey says:
Uninformed and judgmental Christians have caused me the most pain as I have struggled with Major Depression. I have learned not to share my condition with them…as it has contributed so often to my despair of living. It is very lonely to be a seriously depressed Christian…so much ignorance shown by those who you would expect would be the most compassionate. Jesus knows my pain. I can only share it with Him. It shouldn’t be this way….
Marylee says:
After the loss of my husband through separation, and estrangement from my daughter in 2013/14 I made an attempt on my life. Depression had an iron clad grip on me inspite of my constant praying, praising, counselling etc. I needed the pain to stop and my ability to make sound decisions was seriously impaired. But God…… I am impassioned to bring the illness of depression and other mental illness out of the shadows and into Gods healing light – especially in the church.
My healing has continued and looking back to last year at this time, I see grace, mercy, and an energised sense of purpose as I give God my ‘anything’.
Steve Sims says:
Shaun, Thanks for you article on depression. My son recently killed himself after a very long time of depression. It was a devastating loss as I know you and your family have felt. However, my son was a believer in Christ and today he is healed and not in pain anymore. He is with his heavenly father, and truly is experiencing amazing grace. I miss him a lot. Thanks for your compassion.
MJ says:
I am commenting to your collective recent posts:
My experience has been that “church” is the worst place for people struggling (with mental health issues): It seems there is so much judgment, so much intolerance, so much advice and so little love in the very place that is supposed to represent the unconditional love of Jesus. None of your words surprise me. Church is the premier place of hypocrisy, everyone smiling and sitting in pretty clothes belying the truth of their lives, the hurt, the shame, the depression, the poverty all hidden away because church doesn’t welcome the truth. I know generalizations are dangerous, but you’ve cracked the door open and I’m going to share my words hopefully shedding more light into the dark place called church.
I’ve been away from your blog for quite a while, returning to catch up and read such sad sad news. There are no words for such a loss, but I pray for the courage of each of you suffering and grieving. May the healing and hope of the Phil Lineberger Ministry be the light of Christ that is so needed in the world, especially by the leadership of the Church.