Psalm 139:23 Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
I gave up being an artist for Lent. Unintentionally, really. And it’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever given up.
Months ago I agreed to speak on behalf of Compassion International on The Rock & Worship Roadshow tour, which started on the first day of Lent and will extend to Holy Week. There was a small chance I’d get to sing a song or two; no promise. But still – a chance.
But tonight I’m on a bus in Carbondale, Illinois and my guitar is back home in a closet. I lug a camera around now. I’m speaking and doing the social media marketing of the tour – taking and editing and posting lots of pictures of other people being artists. And I’ve made lots of new friends, and I’ve discovered new music I love, and so many children are being sponsored every night, but at the end of the day when I’m tired and weakest sometimes I lay in my bunk and secretly think…
Who am I with no song to sing?
Isn’t it true that we tend toward believing…We’re intelligent because someone gave us good grades. We’ve been useful because someone said thanks. We’re worth something because someone paid us. We’re important because someone put our name on the ticket. We’re a success because…
Giving up music has been embarrassing – I’m downright shocked at the insecurity I’ve discovered inside myself. I thought I was farther along than this, that my identity wasn’t wrapped up in what I do or what you think. But it is.
What I really gave up for Lent then was an illusion, a lie I believed about myself. I’ve discovered the real me – an area of my life that is still so far from conformity to the image of Christ.
When we give up we get the truth.
Our Prayer
You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
(Psalm 139:1-3, 23-24)
Friend says:
Looking forward to seeing you in Sacramento. I’m sure you’re message is just as powerful if not even more so now, than it was before. Blessings to you.
Anonymous says:
Nice! Hard lessons worth learning.
Melissa Turner Jones says:
We’ve been at this new church for almost a year now and I’ve been on the stage a grand total of once – to be prayed over as one of many on a mission team. The music leader, to the best of my knowledge, doesn’t even know my name.
This has been a year of expectant rest. We knew that God had something for us as a family when He led us from our church, but we don’t know yet what it is or when it will be. In the mean time, we’ve gotten to rest…..with intention. Preparing for whatever it is ahead.
But it was definitely weird to not have rehearsals for a Christmas musical. To not have services to plan. To _get_ to play and sing, not because there was something to practice for, but just because. To be able to just show up. And to have the emotional/mental capacity to meet people and enjoy them – people who met just me. Not the music leader or musician or soloist or former pastor’s daughter. Just me. Scary, but so very nice all at the same time.
Karen says:
Who am I without…….? A hard, powerful, profound and very vulnerable question we should all be asking and yet most of us avoid! THANKS for the challenge!
Bri McKoy says:
Thank you for sharing, Shaun. I love the rawness of this post. You continue to challenge me in so many ways. Always grateful for you, friend.
Kelli says:
Sometimes I read your posts and I think of a hundred things I want to say, but this week I’ve been reading your posts and haven’t been able to find anything to say. And that’s a good thing, because I’ve realized that I tend toward saying too much. But this post? It just moved me because I get it. I get what you’re saying, and I have such a long way to go myself. How I identify myself is wrapped tight in many different things, and the insecurities I feel are from this constant fear that I’ll never reach the invisible bar that I set for myself, and I set it pretty high.
My identity wrapped up in Christ? I thought I’d be closer to that at this point in my life. And I guess I am, but yeah…long way to go.
I wish you guys were coming down to Florida! Who planned that, anyway? You know it’s balmy and warm down here, right? And we have palm trees, which are the same trees that will probably be lining the streets in heaven. I’m not for certain on that last point, but I have a hunch…
Andi Sellars says:
I keep coming back to this one. I know I should probably not comment but… There was a time that I suspected that you may have been blacklisted by Mike-with-the-head-like-a-roast, then I thought that maybe it was just your choice – to find a simpler life outside of the spotlight but now I see the insecurity… the desire… the frustration… and I can relate to that pain. I recall a time, sitting in front of my favorite living songwriter, with a chance to be heard, and the recording I brought failed me miserably and played in a slow, distorted fashion… and my heart sank and the torturous questions started in my head and I was helpless to do anything besides know that the Lord is in control and know that I had to continue to wait on His will and timing. This week I found myself praying for a resurgence of your music, that the Lord would make a place and a new audience for it – after all, it is His music and it speaks deeply and has relevance. I pray also that He would continue to reshape you on His Potter’s wheel as you continue from strength to strength and glory to glory. May this discovery lead to peace in the pruning and bear much fruit. Be blessed, you are such a blessing.