Just before our wedding an elderly woman who’d been married for many decades handed Becky a thin paperback: Men Read Newspapers Not Minds.
Becky read it on the first flight of our honeymoon. The humor on its pages was a couple generations out of date but the wisdom of its title stuck with both of us. I’ve passed it’s lessons on to others often over the years.
Turns out a lot of people expect love to be clairvoyant.
Recently a man told me he was considering leaving his church because, in his words, they hadn’t been there for him. Probing a little deeper I learned that during an illness multiple people from his church reached out to his family asking if there was anything they needed, offering to serve in every way possible. Those willing to help were told no help was needed.
“People say they don’t need anything but your church family should always know better.”
The effects of that little book wore off in time. I forgot that Becky’s love for me didn’t give her ESP. I went through a period of resentment because I didn’t want to be the one who always instigated sex. It made me feel unwanted. That phase ended in a fight about something else entirely and a confession that I’d been mad at her for quite a while. “I can’t read minds,” she reminded me.
Lesson learned.
Until Becky needed me home more and kept that unmet need to herself. Resentment built as I failed to notice just how hard single-parenting was on her. With tears in her eyes she told me how she felt, what she needed. I was relieved. I was only working so hard because I didn’t want her to worry about finances. If only I’d known that having me home was something she needed more.
It means a lot more when someone meets our needs without being asked to. I get that. Me too. But it’s not reasonable to expect those we love to always anticipate our every need…or to know that when we say we have no needs we’re actually lying.
Love does not make mind readers of us. Loves makes us eager and able to meet the needs we know need meeting.
Do the people who love you most know what you need most right now?
Vicki says:
Great post, Shaun! I can’t tell you how often my exceptionally wonderful husband has been irritated with me because I didn’t know he had changed his mind about something, and I had tried to move forward on the basis of my latest intel’.
“I changed my mind! I’m allowed!”
“Yes! But I can’t read it!”
I had major back surgery more than two years ago, and was totally dependent on him for six weeks to help me with putting on socks, slippers, shoes; turning over in bed, getting up (it was a little easier on both of us, when I stopped yelling in the process), being sure I could lie down carefully; and other somewhat more intimate procedures, because I was forbidden to bend, twist or lift, AT ALL, for those six weeks. I learned to be more clear, myself, and more honest about what I needed. He has also learned that, although I’m sure a year has not yet passed since the last occasion when I might have said, “Well over 20 years together, and I still can’t read minds!”
Kit says:
Sometimes I tell people what I need from them but for whatever reason they don’t do it. That can make it harder for me to tell them next time. I don’t expect people to read my mind, but I sometimes wish they could. Because opening up and sharing with others can be hard!
Lianna says:
Funny how we expect people to meet our needs and wishes the way God does? God can read our hearts like a book, count the hairs on our head, make our paths straight before we even know where we’re headed, and even the Spirit Himself is our mediator and explaining to the Father what we need even when we don’t know ourselves (Rom 8:26). That’s comforting to have a Heavenly Father care for us like that. But people can’t…they’re just PEOPLE. ๐
thomas says:
There are plenty of times when I do not even know what I need the most at that point of time. And even if I did know a certain place would need to freeze over before I am going share what I need to anyone I know.
Amy says:
In, this, you are very wise, Shaun.
Amy says:
You should ignore the “,” between in and this though.
Kris says:
I’ve become better about sharing my needs. Of course, sharing NEEDS with people is an act of vulnerability. It’s not easy to be honest about what we need sometimes, but I am learning to put words to it, as best I can. It’s certainly better than expecting people to meet your unknown needs and then being disappointed when they fail you. (Which of course, they didn’t intentionally, because they didn’t know) Still, expressing my needs is uncomfortable for me. I’m growing–or I should say, God is growing me in this area.
Shaun Groves says:
Based on emails I’ve received it’s obvious I need to clarify something…
I don’t tell everyone in my life every need I feel/have. At the very least, if it’s a need that will make me angry if unmet then it’s a need I need to share. At the very least.