“I think you’re having premature ventricular contractions,” John said. The great advantage of being a nerd is that your nerd friends often wind up with interesting and useful skills…like fixing human hearts.
John asked that I not call him Doctor Maloof, though he’s sure earned the title and if I went to school for a decade you better believe I’d tattoo “Dr. Groves” into my forehead and answer to nothing else.
“Is that a bad thing?” I asked…about the contractions, not the ego tattoo.
“It feels scary but it’s benign,” he said. “It’s very common. Lots of people have this. It usually passes without treatment.”
He explained that what’s probably happening beneath my ribcage is that my heart is racing for a few beats and then…
“It pauses,” he said, “And when it resumes beating that first beat is extra powerful. So you feel it in your chest and neck.”
Wait a minute…
“My heart is stopping?”
“Pausing,” he corrected.
Pause. noun. “A temporary stop in action.”
My friend John is getting a dictionary for Christmas. A pause is most definitely a stop – temporary though it may be.
His nurse stuck a bunch of wires to my chest. “Jumper cables? I asked. “Nothing that fun,” she said. I blushed as she ran the thin gray strands to a box the size of a beeper and stuck it in my front pocket.
For twenty-four hours this technology allowed a computer miles away to eavesdrop on ever beat and every pause. To make sure I’m merely having contractions and not something else.
Contractions that give birth to what? A little more reflection than usual for starters.
I turn forty this year. And I was just remarking to somebody about how getting older has mellowed me. I don’t envy teenagers or newly married couples, the people next door with kids under three – no matter how smooth their skin is. I worried too much at their stage of life. But now…just about every worry turns out to be benign in the end.
The unexpected and the difficult are scary, sure, but common to us all: A temporary waiting and wondering what happens next. A passing opportunity to reflect and trust and grow. A pause in the rhythm of life…but life beats on.
“Are you going to die?” Penelope fretted.
“Someday.”
“Is your heart going to be OK?” Gresham asked from under the covers in the dark.
“The doctor thinks so.”
“Are you scared?” Gabriella wondered, reaching for my hand.
“No. It’s just a pause.”
So we wait.
Kris says:
The closer I get to 40, the younger it seems. Praying its nothing, and for God to fill the space as you wait.
Shaun Groves says:
Seriously. In my head I’m still 25.
Kris says:
me too. I totally get that.
Matthew W says:
I turned 25 last month, and I’ve realized that 40 doesn’t seem remotely old to me now. It’s crazy how perspective changes as you get older.
I hope all goes well/is well, Shaun. It seems like God grows our trust in him little by little, like threads on a rope, and then he throws a lot of weight against it to prove the rope of trust will hold. I know he’s been doing that in me, and it seems from what you’ve said here over the years that he’s done the same for you, as well. Grace and peace!
Pam says:
Matthew W: What a brilliant way of describing it! I hope you don’t mind, but I copied your statement about God growing our trust and testing it so that I can remember it, over and over again.
Kelli says:
“The unexpected and the difficult are scary, sure, but common to us all: A temporary waiting and wondering what happens next. A passing opportunity to reflect and trust and grow. A pause in the rhythm of life…but life beats on.”
That part tugged at me as the rhythm of life slowly starts to beat again.
Praying as you wait.
Shaun Groves says:
Glad the beat is back, friend.
Jill Foley says:
Praying as you wait for some answers. And hoping you actually get some answers and not more questions.
Shaun Groves says:
Thanks, Jill.
Katie M says:
I also was diagnosed with PVCs after plenty of testing and cardiology visits. Same process.. echo-cardiogram, 24 hour holter monitor, EKGs… Good way to think about it as a “pause” rather than our hearts “stopping”. I know mine are worse when I am in distress and struggling to find peace in my heart and mind. Praying all good things for you, Shaun. Take care.
Shaun Groves says:
Good to hear you’re still living, Katie ; ). (Really is comforting.)
Heard from the doctor…I mean John this evening. Sure enough I was having all kinds of contraction thingies 24 hours a day. Lots of them. Next step? Figure out if there’s a reason why.
Other than stress, did they ever figure out the cause of yours?
Katie M says:
I know it is a bit freaky, and this has been going on for me about 8 years now? I had 500 some PVCs in 24 hours I wore the monitor, but after them seeing my heart was structurally fine with ultrasound and no mitral valve issues or anything else (THAT was kind of cool to see my own heart on a screen), the doctor said it can be related to stress, anxiety, food or caffeine reactions, hormone fluctuations, weather changes, parenting a teenager, being married to a big kid (OK maybe they didn’t really say that part), or anything else that might be significant to a sensitive person……. So basically they have no idea and my heart is just plain fickle like the rest of me. 😉 I am due for a recheck.. but as far as I can tell I’m still alive and the ticker is still working, it just marches to it’s own beat a lot of the time. Hang in there, brother. It will be OK.
Becky says:
Wow, Shaun. This is a really good post. Thank you for writing it.
My first instinct is to hide whatever big, scary life event might be going on, and basically pretend everything is fine.
Your transparency and honesty with this is a very powerful example to me.
Shaun Groves says:
Thanks, Becky. Haven’t seen your little square face..I mean face in a square around here in a while. Welcome back.
NancyTyler says:
Stop trying to age faster than I am. You’ll never catch up!
🙂
Praying…
Shaun Groves says:
But yet I look older than you. NOT FAIR!
NancyTyler says:
Parenting, dude. That’s what ages people. All that seriousness. It makes you long for the fountain of youth while I just keep splashing away in the mud puddle of immaturity…
Heidi H. says:
“But now…just about every worry turns out to be benign in the end.”
That sentence right there….how much less stressful life is when I remember that. Praying you have some more answers soon.
Abby says:
My husband also has PVCs. Years ago when he was diagnosed, he would often experience panic attacks because he thought something was wrong with his heart. He said that worry would set in & then panic ensued. He give credit to God b/c the panic attacks are few and far between now. I’m not going to lie though, he had a rough couple of years. He also cut out all caffeine & has greatly reduced his sugar intake. I really don’t know if there is a medical relation, but it has helped my husband.
BTW, loved this: “The unexpected and the difficult are scary, sure, but common to us all: A temporary waiting and wondering what happens next. A passing opportunity to reflect and trust and grow. A pause in the rhythm of life…but life beats on.” It encouraged me today. We are a foster family & there is so much unexpected & difficulties, waiting and wondering. That’s where we are now. Thanks for sharing your heart.
Melissa Jones says:
The waiting is always the worst part. Glad there’s Someone who already knows the answers who tells us not to worry about it – He’s got it all!
Good excuse to slow down. Maybe write that book you talked about a long time ago! 🙂
All the same, hope you find out the answers soon!
Laura says:
I’ve been dealing with PVCs for years now, and it was terrifying at first. After all of the testing and numerous assurances that it’s benign (although it sure doesn’t feel okay!), I don’t get freaked out by them that much anymore. Stress and lack of sleep makes them worse.
One tip I was given by an ER doc was to drink Gatorade if I’m having a particularly bad bout with them. Apparently the electrolytes help somehow? I’ve tried that a few times and it does seem to calm them down.
Prayers as you walk through this!
kim says:
You definitely have the very best cardiologist in the county taking care of you. He is my absolute favorite!! He is a great person and a great doctor and very kind to his nurses! When I get to be as old as you, he will be my cardiologist. 😉
Amy says:
I’m glad your wait is shorter than mine. I need some tests on my heart, but even with insurance, we can’t afford it. 🙁 my wait terrifies me. Did you know that heart attacks and anxiety have very similar symptoms? Yeah, they do.
Michelle says:
My hubby also suffers, waking up at night with a racing heart. But if he cuts right back on the caffeine, it generally stops. Praying you have answers soon.
Angie says:
Thank you for this . . . so timely for us as my hubby sees the cardiologist on the 11.
He keeps fainting and the spells are lasting longer.
God is here in the pause. . .in the every moment your mind begins to wonder to ‘what if’. . .He says ‘trust me’. That’s what I’m clinging to.
That I and informed Dear Hubby if he leaves me with three children by myself, he’s going to be in a whole mess of trouble 😉
rjb says:
Selah.
meg mcdorman says:
so excited about you coming to my church on Oct. 6. Cant wait to see what God has in store for us. i pray that God will pour out what he wants you to say. also i cant wait to meet you.
MandyC says:
Yes. Brilliant. Life seems to get better and not as scary and yet, just as scary but we learn perspective, right? Never want to go back but sometimes have a moment’s pause about the forever……….
Katie Cook says:
In the quest to find a reason for my passing out I, too, wore a holter monitor for 48 hours. When the doctor told me at the follow up appointment that my heart is strong I thought, “You have no idea…”
And as I read this post I paused at the thought of not envying teens or newly marrieds or new parents and it occurs to me that I no longer envy the healthy. I am so much of who I am because of my illness. Had you asked me a year ago, or a month, my answer may have been different but for today my healing comes in the form of acceptance with joy. And I am at peace.