Shaun Groves
I live in a little bedroom community outside of Nashville where folks from Michigan, Jersey, and New York live beside those of us who grew up on sweet tea and biscuits. The auto industry brought some of them here. For others it was the slower pace of life. And many more like the short commute into Nashville from a house they’d pay a lot more for in the city.
I’m still not used to their accents. They sound upset all the time, regardless of what it is they’re actually saying. “Will I see you at church tomorrow?” sounds like “You better be at church tomorrow!!!” to my southern ears. I’m learning to process words before tone.
But what I like about these outsiders is their sincerity. We southerners have a bad habit of being honey to a person’s face and vinegar behind their back. Flattery and smiles often mask our internal discontent and disdain.
I like knowing where I stand with these alien neighbors from the North. Never a doubt.
All this was on my mind this morning when I opened Psalms. Chapter 12 says…
1 Help, Lord, for no one is faithful anymore;
those who are loyal have vanished from the human race.
2 Everyone lies to their neighbor;
they flatter with their lips
but harbor deception in their hearts.
3 May the Lord silence all flattering lips
and every boastful tongue—
4 those who say,
“By our tongues we will prevail;
our own lips will defend us—who is lord over us?”
5 “Because the poor are plundered and the needy groan,
I will now arise,” says the Lord.
“I will protect them from those who malign them.”
6 And the words of the Lord are flawless,
like silver purified in a crucible,
like gold refined seven times.
7 You, Lord, will keep the needy safe
and will protect us forever from the wicked,
8 who freely strut about
when what is vile is honored by the human race.
Insincere flattery is a lie. And I’m a liar. I find myself keeping score in my head all day: If I fear I’ve been the least bit unfriendly with someone (or fear they my think so) I quickly heap on a syrupy compliment. Am I the only one trying to win the day with my “tongue” and “lips”?
As hard as I am on myself and the rest of the South this morning…truth is, God’s the only one consistent – doing and saying the same thing all day long. His true thoughts and feelings and desires match His words and actions.
“Flawless.”
And I want Him to be through me.
Ro Elliott says:
I grow up just outside New York City….when we moved down south…everyone thought my mom was mad when she spoke…it was her natural tone ….and no one could have been further from being mad than my mom :). I so get what you are saying…it was an adjustment to live in “nice” all the time…but now I love how God has blended these two differences in my life. And that bedroom community?? Maybe we are neighbors:)
Lisa @stretchmarkmama says:
I’m such a straight-shooter that any contact I have with a native southerner is like a cross-cultural experience. I leave these conversations wondering, “I think she might not have meant that” or “He thought I didn’t really mean that.”
It has never occurred to me that as an outsider I might sound upset. This delights me more than it should.
Kari says:
Thanks for sharing, Shaun. Long before we were married, my husband complained about this phenomenon. Oddly, he’s lived in North Carolina and Tennessee the vast majority of his life, but his high-functioning autism is what made the syrupy type of banter and “hospitality” confusing and ultimately distasteful to him. Sadly, I think the syrupy nature of experiences within the southern church were a contributing factor in his early-on suspicion of and later rejection of the church. Truly we (southerners, and people in general) can be so hypocritical, and in that way, we tell lies about who God is. Please pray for my husband, will you? His name is Matthew. Thanks.
Kris says:
Ahh, yes, I have experienced the “sweet as honey to your face” and the sometimes abrupt tone of the northerners. And really, I’m a liar too. While I don’t think I have a passive-agressive gene in my body, I can sometimes be too quick to bite with my perceived truths. It’s hard being honest gently. But we are all learning, eh?
whimzie says:
I came to understand this when we lived in Rhode Island and then several years later when we lived in Boston. At first, it took some getting used to, but I came to appreciate the honesty. I liked knowing my friends weren’t saying anything behind my back they weren’t willing to say to my face. I learned that adding “bless her heart” to the end of a tacky sentence about someone doesn’t erase its ugly.
As I was reading this post, I thought about this paragraph I wrote write before we left Boston:
“Most of all, I’m going to miss your people. I’ve grown accustomed to their quirky New England ways. What I once thought of as abrupt and maybe less than tactful, I now appreciate as honest. I always know where I stand with you guys. I love that you all say what you’re thinking and then you’re finished and we can go on as friends. You don’t play games or hold grudges and I’ve grown to appreciate that about you. I’d like to think that I’m less likely to pretend I mean something when I really don’t because you’ve taught me to be more truthful.”
Katie Axelson says:
I’m a Wisconsinite living in North Carolina. It took me years to learn “Bless your heart” is NOT a compliment. I like how Michael Hyatt put it: in the North, if it sounds like an insult, it’s a compliment. In the South, if it sounds like a compliment, it’s an insult.
Sandy says:
How funny. There’s a north-south divide in England too, and it can seem like northerners are less well-mannered than southerners. Some of them are, but they’re also less pretentious, I’ve found, and you’re less judged by your possessions and status in the north.
Also, there’s a definite north-south divide when it comes to the Scots and the English.
I wonder if you’d find my accent abrupt?
Joy Martin says:
Oh boy …I grew up in the the south, lived in New England for around 20 years and am now back in the south and I totally understand this post at every level 🙂 I grew to appreciate the northern “tone” because I knew exactly where I stood with them and their honesty became refreshing as well as a “a-hem” learning experience from the Holy Spirit to my “flattering lips” .
christina brown says:
Flawless….sounds like a great name for a song title on your new cd 🙂
Inkling says:
I didn’t know that “bless your heart” was a bad thing until after my time teaching in Franklin, TN. I thought people were being sweet to me. Now I know better. And it still makes me a little bit sad.
My time in the South was a mixed bag. I loved the fact that gentlemen of every age opened doors for me wherever I went, and I loved the hospitality I found there. It taught me a lot about opening up my home and sharing with my community around me. It was interesting trying to find a church home. Choices were definitely plentiful, and some of my experiences where I eventually landed are ones I’ll treasure forever. The downside was hearing, “Oh, Miss R doesn’t understand. She’s from the North.” (I first heard that after we celebrated Abraham Lincoln’s birthday in my little classroom at a one-room school. I still chuckle over hearing from someone over me, “Well, you call it the Civil War, and we call it the War of Northern Aggression. We’ll compromise and let you call it the War Between the States.” That was an interesting experience for this Missouri/Indiana girl.
Now I’m across a border and many miles northwest and learning to understand yet another culture. Kinda makes me miss the South some days, and those are the days I get all teary eyed if someone says “y’all”. =)
Christy Fitzwater says:
Wow. I recently spoke with someone about this very characteristic of southern “hospitality”. I love that image of sugar to your face and vinegar behind your back -so true!! I’d rather deal with a little vinegar right up front than wonder what the truth really is.