Shaun Groves
I’ve spoken at both women’s conferences and men’s conferences on behalf of Compassion International. The women sponsor more children than the men. More than four times more (as a percentage of total attendance.)
I’d like to turn more men into child sponsors the next time I have the opportunity.
So I’ve been thinking about why women might be more generous than men.
Men Are Indecisive At Home
It may be that men are not in a habit of making decisions at home – especially financial decisions. According to a Pew Research study from 2008, in 43% of heterosexual couples polled the woman was the primary decision maker in four areas: what to watch on television, weekend plans, buying things for the home, managing finances. (31% of couples “evenly divide” decisions.) 45% of women said they managed the household money. And the younger the couple, the more likely it is that the woman has the final say in these decisions.
So it’s possible that a man being asked to commit $38/month to sponsor a child is unsure he has the authority to make such a commitment alone. “I need to talk to my wife first.”
All The Single Ladies
What if the man is single? One study on the giving disparity between men and women found that single women also give more than single men. And when they give? They give more.
And women are not only more generous with their money. Women, married and single, give more of their time too.
Feelings. No-oh-oh Feelings.
Neurologists wonder why men are less generous than women also. Researchers asked both sexes to identify the emotions people in photographs were feeling. While the test subjects pondered, their brain activity was mapped. In men, the “rational analysis” part of the brain lit up as they set out to “identify” each emotion pictured. But it was the empathy portion of woman’s brain that went to work – the women truly felt the emotions people in the pictures were feeling.
Of course, there has yet to be a study on singer-songwriter brains. I suspect our brains work much more like a woman’s in this regard. I tell the same stories of Compassion’s children 100 times a year and still get choked up. And might even get angry when an arena full of men aren’t moved to action.
But no more. I understand now that men aren’t feeling what the children in my pictures and stories are feeling. Many men may be biologically bent away from empathy and generosity. And culturally they aren’t empowered to make these kinds of financial decisions.
I get it now. You could say I empathize.
It will take something other than a guy standing on a stage showing a picture of a child and telling a story to overcome all these obstacles and turn men into sponsors. Any ideas?
Andy Hudelson says:
I think men (stereo-typically) are problem solvers and they are naturally inclined to separate the emotions and get to the bottom line. So – I think men need to see the problem, find an option that helps or alleviates the problem, and then know who they can trust to carry it out. Compassion is well suited to address all of these concerns. Men’s conference = less emotional stirring / more problem solving.
Shaun Groves says:
I tried that recently, Andy. Didn’t seem to work. But I’ve wondered too if men take longer to make a decision like this. Maybe it did work…just more slowly.
Gabe Taviano says:
It’s pretty lame that men don’t see this as a challenge. I think that’s the tough part for them. They want to be a part of something that they can overcome. Promoting this as a compassionate issue might not strike a cord, which is sad. Maybe Compassion could think about this and come up with other ways for men to be a part of the fight besides finances. The giving issue is the same for fundraising radio stations (whose target is “Jenny the soccer-mom”, so I don’t think it’s just a matter of them not caring for the children. Good post!
Larissa says:
Make it about responsibility? I know it’s stereotypical, but if women respond to a child’s need for care, maybe men respond better to a child’s need for a provider, pointing out that they have no one that can guarantee their needs are met, but those of us with means can remove that uncertainty from their lives. Or maybe they’d respond more to the story of parents trying to provide for their families under unbelievable circumstances and needing relief, rather than focusing on just the children.
Not really sure…that’s a tough job you have! I can’t imagine the frustration when people don’t get it.
Shaun Groves says:
I don’t feel frustrated often. A wiser man helped me beat the frustration by reminding me that I too didn’t “get it” once upon a time. Someone helped me get it. …and I still don’t get it when it comes to many other issues.
Sheila Warner says:
Someone else helped you to “get it”. What exactly did this person do? Think back on that moment, and incorporate what that person said into your own presentations. My own opinion, based on being a married mom of two children, is that women are nurturers by nature. Fatherhood was an abstract idea for my husband until the children were born, and he could hold them. Men just don’t feel the way women do. I’m not sure this is something you can change. I’d accept that reality, be thankful for the responses you do get, and pray that the Holy Spirit will work in the hearts of those who don’t respond. You are planting seeds. God will harvest them.
Amber says:
I recently heard a talk on FOTF about adoption, and they said that, of course, women have more of a heart for adoption than men. But they also said that when they start talking to the men about adoption using words like “rescue,” “protect” and even “adventure,” it got the men all fired up.
Perhaps we need to appeal more to men’s desire to be in a dramatic rescue mission than to their empathetic/compassionate side.
And, just as a side note, I don’t think point 1 holds water. 43% of the women make the financial decisions…that means that 57% of the men make the household financial decisions – that’s the majority – men are statistically more empowered to make these decisions than women. Just saying. 🙂
Shaun Groves says:
No, Amber, my WRITING doesn’t hold water. I’ve fixed that paragraph now so that’s clearer that while 43% of women make the financial decisions in the home, that does not mean that 57% of men do. 31% of household claim to evenly divide decisions. So a minority of men are making the financial decisions in their home alone.
Amber says:
Got it; thanks for the clarification.
Michael Patterson says:
Amber, excellent points about the words used to market to men.
Carrie Stephens says:
This is so interesting. I am thinking of the men I know who have been forever changed by mission trips to poor countries. Maybe men have to face the problem head on to become emotionally involved? Perhaps success stories would motivate men. My husband and I raised our own support as missionaries for years, and many men seemed to want to put their money into action when they felt assured of the success of the program and the dispersion of the gospel. This was particularly true with major donors. The rational mind looks for proof that the investment is safe an effective, I think. Successful men want to invest in successful enterprise. I suppose it’s sort of the playing out of the parable of the talents in our modern world.
Kelli says:
This is really interesting. I wish I had a solution to offer, but I don’t. I am fascinated by the research, though (and I was secretly trying to figure out where Lee and I fell in all those categories).
I do agree that men would likely be more moved if they saw the problem face to face, but that’s not really a solution because getting men to go on a mission trip or a vision trip or anything like that means time off of work and that’s very difficult, I think, for most men to wrap their minds around. How often are you able to speak at conferences and retreats when men and women are together? What do you think the response would be if they heard you speak together and could make a joint decision? Who would make the decision then? The emotion driven wife or the practicality driven husband? And also, is there a statistic for how many people follow through with sponsorship after leaving a conference? For example, if a husband/wife felt like they needed to speak with a spouse, do they go home and do that or does it get forgotten?
Shaun Groves says:
Most of the time I’m speaking at churches or colleges to a mixed crowd. Most of the people at the table afterward filling out sponsorship paperwork are men. But I do think that it’s more even at colleges these days. So maybe that’s an indicator of what’s to come? Or were 40-something men today more generous when they were in college too?
We do have stats on follow-through. We call it “conversion” when someone not only fills out the paperwork but makes their first month’s payment. We call it retention when that sponsorship lasts. I don’t have those numbers though. That would be interesting to look at.
Kaye says:
I wonder if the younger guys give more than the older ones because they don’t yet have a family to provide for yet, so they have no other obligations. Those who are generous naturally can see that they can give. However once they have a family, their loyalty to making sure their loved ones are cared for might inhibit their giving. No idea…that’s just a thought.
Amber says:
*please forgive my poor writing… I have 3 children who have the flu and a tiny baby with a stuffy nose/ cough so I haven’t slept much at all lately*
Remember that Compassion International video where the sponsor child had grown up and become successful and his sponsor was a single man who had never written him a letter but had been faithful to send the check every month & Compassion brought him here to meet his sponsor on stage at an event so he could thank him? Well, I’d show that video (and other similar stories) to men’s conferences. I’d think it would appeal to their provider/ protector nature and at the same time let them know that it’s okay if they don’t write letters (I think sometimes men are turned off by feeling pressure to connect emotionally with a child they don’t know) because The Lord can use it and bless it to be successful. It will meet the needs of that child & have a huge impact on his whole family and community.
I really hope this makes any sense at all!
Shaun Groves says:
Ha! No worries, Amber. And I promise to pray for you all this week. That’s rough.
We did something similar at a men’s conference recently. I gave a bit of theology – where does our significance come from as men, basically. What is our mission/purpose?
Then I talked about finding my own purpose in life when I met a Compassion child. I told the men I wish they could go and meet one of these children and be changed in the same way. “You may not be able to go to them, so I brought one of them to you.”
And out walked a twenty-something young man from Kenya. A big strapping guy who told his story of growing up fatherless, going to prison at age nine for stealing food to feed his family…
He told the men that his sponsor was a father to him who showed him love, fed him, educated him and told him about Jesus. He said that now, because of his sponsor, he knows his Father in heaven.
More men than usual sponsored children, but still far fewer than I see women sponsor.
So I’m SO GRATEFUL for the men who responded but wondering if I can do anything differently or better too. Is this the ceiling with men?
Michael Patterson says:
That video is of Jimdollar “jimmy” Wambua. His amazing story continues. Jimmy has returned to Kenya and has been traveling his home country starting his campaign for a future presidential campaign. He has also started a network called the Just and Responsible Society that is now in 6 counties and growing. You’re right. That is the kind of story that impact me.
The sponsored child, Jimmy also went on to be a sponsor himself and currently sponsors a little girl in Haiti!
I hope your family gets well soon!
Mary Ostyn (Owlhaven) says:
In talking about this problem with John, here’s what we came up with. Men tend to feel responsible for their OWN families, so sometimes might not want to stretch the budget in a way that might make it harder to provide for their own. John says maybe it’d help to logically put the cost into perspective. $38 a month is a small portion of the discretionary spending in most budgets. Maybe challenge guys to skip two trips to Starbucks a week, or a couple trips to the movies a month, or one golf day… Challenge their priorities and help them think about the impact they can make on the world by changing their spending just a little.
Mary, blessed wife to John and momma to 10, including 2 from Korea and 4 from Ethiopia
Shaun Groves says:
Wow, that’s great insight, Mary. That’s never dawned on me before. John’s onto something.
I do what you’re suggesting a bit, but suddenly I’m having ideas about how I could do that more effectively. This is HUGELY helpful. Thank you, Mary. And thank John for me too, will ya?
Sherron says:
Shaun, that’s exactly what the public radio station here in Dallas does. When you’re talking about $456 a year, that sounds like a lot, but when you’re talking about $1.26 a day, that sounds doable. It really puts the cost into perspective.
I don’t know what reaction you’ll get from men on this, but for me, it’s truly amazing how much that $38/month buys. In a cost/benefit analysis, I really feel like I’m getting my money’s worth. And I like that Compassion is transparent about showing where all the money goes. It’s extremely important to me that the majority of my contributions directly benefits my sponsored children.
Duane Scott says:
Mary,
I totally agree! This gave me some great perspective for reaching the men on my blog also. Thank you!
Joy Tuscherer says:
i had the opportunity to see you in action at the USF Chapel in Feb. Your presentation was great as you brought out several talking points. What if you named Tim Tebow and other high-profile male sponsors as a way for men to identify with? It was an honor to meet you – Thank you for all you do! Blessings, joy
Shaun Groves says:
Thanks for the encouragement, Joy!
I don’t know if Tim Tebow is or isn’t a sponsor through Compassion International. But maybe talking about specific men (Tim Tebow included) and how they’ve responded in various ways to the needs of others would be motivating?
PJ says:
The men I know really seem to like it when something is tax deductible. So point out that it is really less than $38 per month out of their pocket, maybe more like $25 or even less. And how about what they are modeling for their children?
Michael Patterson says:
I would love to see a more deliberate effort to get men involved. Men need to get the word that their children will follow what they see the parents do (both parents). They also need to know that it’s okay for them to make a decision on their own, just because it’s the right thing to do.
I have been known to come home and announce, “oh, by the way… we are sponsoring another child now. She lives in…” I’ve never had my wife get angry. My children have never said, “Your giving that money to a complete stranger, but I want…”
I think the answer to getting men involved is for men to see that sponsorship is not just for women. Men need to see stories of regular guys who are the primary sponsor in a family. How about an all male blogger trip? There are very few blogs I read on a regular basis. They are almost all written by men.
Men also need to get the message that it is their responsibility to teach their children how to give. Men need to show their children how to do that.
NancyTyler says:
I would think one of the biggest factors keeping men from sponsoring kids is the commitment to an ongoing relationship with an individual child. It’s not just setting up a $38 monthly automatic credit card payment. There’s the expectation that a sponsor will write letters and acknowledge birthdays and Christmas. That takes a commitment to some level of ongoing emotional involvement and that can be tough if somebody’s not comfortable with it.
Christine says:
I read thru the comments, to see if someone else had come up with this, and I think I’m thinking along the same lines as Mary & John. Sometimes I have a hard time getting my husband to come alongside when my empathy brain is working and I’m feeling compelled to commit financially to something. He hasn’t had the same experience and I find that we’re often at a crossroads until I somehow manage to personalize it for him. When I’m able to present it in such a way that he sees how our children will benefit from whatever it is we’re contributing to, either directly or indirectly, or pointing out that our children have opportunities and resources other kids don’t and that it’s incumbent upon us to help those children just as much as it is our responsibility to care for our own, he’s more likely to come on board. I hope that doesn’t sound emotionally manipulative, because that’s not what I’m driving at. I’m not as familiar with David Platt’s story, but from what I know of the stories of all the other men that you show above, they all had a very personal experience that motivated their action. Obviously, we’re talking about matters of scale here, but personal connection or experience leads to personal conviction (there’s a discipleship metaphor in there somewhere…). What exactly that personal connection looks like I have no idea because I don’t connect to things the way a man does, but I can’t help but think there’s an answer in there somewhere.
Maria says:
The whole article is interesting. My $.02 is that you may be onto something in looking at the ages of your sponsors and how the response rates vary accordingly. For the younger guys who are more comfortable with everything electronic, what may tip the scale into a sponsorship being something do-able is the understanding of how simple current technology makes it to be a sponsor. Automatic withdrawals (no checks to be written), and online letter writing with the option of sending photos (every letter doesn’t have to be hand-written). I know for my sons (age 16 and 18), who have sponsored their own kids for a few years, they use these features as selling points when talking to their friends about Compassion. Of course they talk about how much they love their little guys too, and about how much of a blessing it is to be a sponsor, but the more info they give about how the nuts-and-bolts of a sponsorship works,the better. Their young-adult friends think it’s awesome that Compassion gives you simple info on how to save and plan to one day visit your child, and they are pretty impressed with the integrity Compassion has in keeping records for every child sponsored. They like to hear what Compassion does to reach the whole family through the Development Centers. I think all of these details help the men visualize exactly what it is that they’re putting their money & time into, as opposed to many women who are fine with just knowing they’re “helping”. More pragmatic, less emotional, maybe????????
I’ll be praying that God blesses you with wisdom as you seek to be more effective for His work and His kingdom.
Lindsay says:
The guys I know in my life are often motivated by competition. 🙂 If they get to win something, then they’re all about it. (Think Fantasy Sports Leagues and March Madness Brackets…) Maybe something along those lines?
Melissa Jones says:
I know my husband is focused primarily on providing for our family, and is deeply burdened by his innate desire to ensure that he will continue to be able to provide for us.
Maybe men need to be shown their responsibility to support the larger body of Christ (their family) in its work. You don’t want to guilt them into sponsorship necessarily (although sometimes obedience comes before the heart is changed), but helping them to understand that these children are their family for whom they are responsible to provide…..maybe?
Mindi says:
When I went on a sponsor tour to Peru this past October, we had a group of about 50, and there were so few males that I could name each one for you right now. One was a high school senior there with his mom, three were with their wives, and the other two were a married man who went alone and a single man.
I was struck by the scarcity of men and wondered why.
beth says:
One thing that my husband has mentioned to me is his fear of not being able to hold up his commitment in the long run. I don’t know how Compassion feels about soliciting with the “we understand circumstances change; give while you can” message. I think in our case it was never truly a financial issue but my husband felt that burden regardless.
Sandy says:
When I have seen men moved it has been by the personal testimony of women (by which I mean an in-depth story of struggle or having overcome, etc.). The Compassion video One Act brought all who saw it to tears, my husband included. It was the story of the young woman which was the most powerful, imho.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4lW25nhiEaY
Duane Scott says:
I blog a lot about social justice issues on my blog and this makes PERFECT sense because it will ALWAYS be my female readers who will. show. up.
But this makes me sad. Very, very sad and I wonder what we can do to raise awareness to the men in the world.
You mention singer-songwriter brains. I have a writer brain. And I get choked up nearly.every.single.time I talk about my Haitian orphan friends.
But the men in this world… I now have one more thing I’m adding to my list of things to fix before I die.
Kelli says:
Thinking out loud a bit on this, Duane, but I also found it a bit shocking that so many men think they don’t have the authority to make these decisions. I wonder if that’s really the case, or if they just use “asking their wives” as a cop out for making a decision.
As a wife, I am passionate about teaching those younger than me the importance of giving our husbands the authority to run and manage the household. While I do manage the payment of the bills, I try really hard to defer all matters of purchase or commitment to my husband. In our case, he is working to earn the money while I stay home with the kids. Out of respect for him, I always run major purchases by him first and I defer to his judgement to make the right decision for our family. Sometimes I don’t agree with his decisions, but I have learned over the years that even if I don’t agree, I need to let him make the decision without questioning him. I really feel like this opens him up to make more leadership type decisions.
I know this isn’t easy and a lot of women bristle at this brand of submission, but perhaps if men were given the freedom to really lead by their wives, more of them would feel more compelled in the area of giving.
Or maybe that wouldn’t matter. I don’t know. That may not be the case at all and I certainly don’t claim to know why and how each couple makes the financial decisions that they do. I have in no way perfected this idea of submitting to my husband’s leadership, but the idea that men may not feel free to make a financial commitment of sponsorship is a bit concerning to me.
Kelli says:
So this is still rolling around in my thread, but I guess a question that we women could ask is how can we best empower our men to have the confidence and freedom to sponsor children? How can we stand behind them in support? 🙂
Kelli says:
My head…not my thread. Gah! Must. Check. Spelling!
Duane Scott says:
Kelli,
Loved your reply.
“I also found it a bit shocking that so many men think they don’t have the authority to make these decisions.”
Yes, I agree. My wife and I make mutual decisions regarding all finances and she balances me. I’d give the shirt off my back if she wasn’t there to remind me that the world isn’t for me to fix.
I’m not sure where to go with your original thought. But then I read this today: http://www.prodigalmagazine.com/the-lost-art-of-servant-hood-a-letter-to-my-feminist-sisters/
What do you think? Maybe this is an issue?
Kelli says:
That was a GREAT article. Thanks for sharing that, Duane. I do think there’s something to be said about the influence we as women can have on our men just by simply believing in their ability to lead – they’re ability to affect change in the world around them both near and far. This is a great topic to explore! 🙂
Duane Scott says:
Glad you enjoyed it. I’ve been thinking all day about it.
And Shaun? Could you please get Disqus so Kelli & I could have more conversations more easily?
Uh, thank you.
Thomas says:
I’m not so sure how helpful this is, but it was not an easy decision to become a sponsor. It took about a year between, hearing you talk about it at your shows, reading about what you had to say about Compassion, doing research about Compassion, and praying about it before I became a sponsor. I wanted to make sure Compassion was everything you talked about and I wanted to make sure I could make a ten to fifteen year commitment to the child I would end up sponsoring.
Maybe there is just a group of people like me who just need time to work it all out before they will become a sponsor.
Lori says:
I immediately had the same thought as Lindsay. Make it a competition somehow…between churches or groups or even genders….
shayne says:
I wonder if occupation has anything to do with it. I mean, if this is the case, then how do we have so many men who sign up for the military?
What’s their motivation there? Paycheck? For God and country? What drives a man to be loyal and patriotic to his country, a country of strangers mind you, if he has trouble “feeling” empathy for people not in his “circle?”
This stuff is so interesting. I’m also silently applauding you (cause I’m at work) for actually posting something. I know you’re busy and stuff, but I’ve been missing your voice.
Shaun Groves says:
That’s great thinking, Shayne. Good parallel kind of giving. I’ll look into the motivations for military service. There might be something there that would be helpful.
Thanks!
Trish says:
What if there was a way to put materials in their hands before you spoke to them? Men could discuss with their wives and be ready.
Shaun Groves says:
We’ve tried something along those lines at a women’s event. Maybe it’s time to try it with the men too.
Laura says:
I haven’t seen any Myers-Briggs type talk yet. What about the differences between “F” and “T” temperments? My husband is firmly in the T camp and believes decisions should NOT be made according to feelings. He feel manipulated by presentations that “tug at the heartstrings”. He prefers to do his research and be able to take his time when deciding whether an organization is worthy and reputable.
I’m an F and I love the photos and songs and videos and stories and things that make my heart jerk all over. That speaks to me.
But a T would probably be more interested in the facts and figures, stories that provide proof that money is being spent well, etc.
Love your blog, Shaun, and your ministry. 🙂
missy says:
i was thinking something along the lines of Laura. i think if you were able to present some very specific info, i.e. # of kids in Compassion, # of resource centers in world, # of people you need to accomplish a specific goal, etc. this would be similar to a projection of expectations many men experience at work. they need a timeline, i think so that they can see results. within those results you may want to include the emotional component, of a man feeling as a caregiver beyond his comfort zone and also caring in a way that can go under the radar. i think most men want to be humble in their giving whether to family or a greater community.
i also agree with those above that less tugging on heartstrings and being more direct about the issue is going to be more effective. basically, no drama! keeping the presentation short and sweet — similar in length to a TED talk, perhaps?
you are doing great work and blessings to you and Compassion!
Naomi says:
I have to say I’m appalled by the suggestion that evangelical men are so brow-beaten by overbearing wives that they can’t commit to $38/month. These same guys wouldn’t blink at spending $38 for something related to football, golf, hunting, or whatever hobby they’re involved in. It blows my mind how determined some evangelicals are to find a way to blame women for every problem that comes along.
Shaun Groves says:
You’re appalled by a suggestion?
You may be too easily appalled. But no such suggestion was even made. Not looking to blame anyone here.
Tina says:
My very first thought when I started to read this post was something that you touched upon. I think that women both feel and react to their emotions on a deeper level than men. Men tend to rationalize more. Neither is a bad thing by any means but I think that may be why women open their pocketbooks a little bit more.
Thomas says:
Since last Tuesday I have been thinking about this post and I think I have come to a conclusion that might not sit well with everyone.
As I read through the remarks and I found many of them very insightful, but I am not sure how helpful they are. I have come to believe that the only way you will get the answer you want is by only asking men about sponsorship. For they only can explain why they did or did not sponsor a child after your presentation about Compassion and what you can do to increase sponsorship.
If I offended any with this, please forgive me because that was not what I attended to do.
Thomas
Joseph says:
Hm…just two cents, but my hunch is that these two things appeal to men:
1.) Goal Oriented. Sponsorship is ongoing…many goals are accomplished, certainly. But they can be hard to quantify. Guys like to see results. Get’r’dun. Guys might be more excited about one-time goals. I’m no expert, but I’ll bet that an arena of guys could accomplish massive one-time goals … maybe there are expensive medical projects Compassion is doing? merely two cents.
2.) Shared Activity. Men like to accomplish things in groups….military, sports, etc. It’s satisfying to achieve goals within a “brotherhood.” My older brother and I recently gave ourselves pretty outlandish haircuts. Motivation? Each other.
Rachel says:
I think another aspect is that men are not raised or culturally influenced to be empathetic. Unfortunately, more often than not men are taught that crying or being emotional is something to be ashamed of in men. While women may be more naturally inclined to nurture, I feel that men have the same potential for a giving spirit when raised in a way that encourages emotional openness and doesn’t treat it as somehow emasculating.
Jesus wept. It’s okay for “big boys” to cry, too. Sadly many are shamed for doing so.
(I hope no one else has already said this — I didn’t read all the comments.)