Shaun Groves
“Can you help me make my Christmas list?” he asks. He’s asked a few times now.
I remind him again that it’s not his birthday and that…he interrupts.
“I know.” He’s angry. I lecture instead of listen.
“No, you don’t know. I want you to sit down at the table right now -”
“Dad,” he says.
“No,” I say, “I want you to sit down at the table and make a list of ten things God has already given you. All of you. Right now. Ten things you already have to be thankful for.”
“But…”
“No but. Ten things. Seeing what you already have will help you stop wanting more. God has already given you everything you need. And…”
Too many words. No listening. Not my best moment.
He turns in his list first and stomps to his room to be alone.
Becky gives him a few minutes before slipping in, sitting on the side of bed and having the conversation I should have. She presses lightly and the dam breaks. The frustration spills out as I join them – I’m surprised. And proud. Never prouder.
“Adults keep asking me what I want for Christmas – my teachers, people at church. I just can’t think of anything. I need help thinking of something.”
What a problem to have: Not enough wants to list.
We killed Santa long ago. But grandparents, Sunday school teachers, neighbors, strangers at the mall – they’re all still alive and well and asking. “What do you want for Christmas?”
And we all struggle: We know that in Jesus God gave us all we need, that a full refrigerator and an empty tomb are greater gifts than we deserve – gifts enough. But the question is unavoidable too isn’t? What do you want… Sometimes it feels less like a question then a demand: Want something. Now.
I apologize for not listening, for jumping to conclusions and then… “A lot of days,” I confess, “I want more than I have. I wish I had your problem.”
Grandparents are the only ones who give him presents for Christmas. It makes them happy. So we wonder together how grandparents could still give without him getting a bunch of things he’d surely like but realizes he doesn’t really want or need.
Maybe time is the answer. He wonders if one grandfather could take him to a ball game, a grandmother could teach him how to cook something, maybe go swimming at a hotel pool, go on a hike… The list grew with no pressure.
Penelope – age seven – turns in her list last. Her Christmas list of things already given.
At her age I was making a list complete with catalog page numbers for easy reference. She’s on my list along with her big brother. And at this moment I don’t want a thing. God, keep it that way when I face the question again tomorrow.
Whom have I in heaven but you God. And having you I desire nothing else on earth. -Psalm 73:25
Yvonne says:
Kids have a way of humbling us don’t they…
Rebecca says:
My 5-year-old foster-adopted daughter also can’t think of anything she wants for Christmas, and I’m thrilled with that. We don’t watch tv (dvds only) so she never sees commercials, and I’m single-parenting three children under 5 so even going to the store with them in tow is a rarity, so I think a big reason she wants nothing is that she doesn’t SEE the steady stream of stuff marketed to kids. The constant barrage of “what do you want for Christmas?” is causing her great anxiety, as well. “But Mommy, if I can’t think of something, I won’t get anything at all for Christmas! But I can’t think of anything!!!” :o) I hate how society turns our innocent little ones into greedy consumers.
Kris says:
We are still very much a family inundated with gifts at Christmas. We’re still trying to teach our children where the focus should be. Some days, it feels impossible–they are wrapped up in wants and we struggle ourselves to claim Christ as “more than enough”. I long for the day when there’s nothing under our tree because the gifts we want are only to give away. God help it be so.
Thanks for this humbling word, Shaun.
Karen says:
That’s really special. God is doing big things in your kids. Thanks for sharing!
Carisa says:
Oh this is such a problem for us on so many levels. Grandparents on both sides, who live far away, and are a bit “addicted” to grandkids and gift giving. It is definitely the love-language of 3 out of the 4 grands. We struggle with the balance of loving and honoring the grandparents while trying to raise children who aren’t greedy and materialistic. We still haven’t figured it out, it’s a constant prayer for balance and God’s leading.
Kelli says:
I am a big proponent of gifts that allow for memory making and relationship building. I would much rather give that than a toy that will be discarded within a week.
I’ve realized more and more, particularly over this past year, that I so often set my kids up for failure. I tell them to be satisfied and grateful for what they have, then parade them through the toy section of Target. I urge them to be thankful for the simple blessings of food on the table, then I open up a bag and pull out a new shirt for myself (despite having fifty shirts already in my closet). I place huge expectations on my kids, forgetting that they live in a technological world that tells them more is better. I ask them what they want and in the same breath tell them to be satisfied.
Maybe it’s time I made a Christmas list of gifts alread received and shared it with them…
Thanks for the encouragement this morning.
Liz Reeves says:
What does #9 say? Pecans?
Shaun Groves says:
I thought that was “peas.” The girl loves some peas. But she says it’s “peace.”
Sandy says:
This reminded me of my seven year old’s homework last week “If I had a million pounds, I would…” and the poor little mite struggled to think of anything. She’s a happy little soul and (as someone else said) doesn’t watch TV to be exposed to advertising.
Eventually, she wrote that she’d buy ‘Mummy a new house because Mummy is my favourite and our house doesn’t have a garden and the kitchen is too small’, ‘a bouncy castle so everyone can jump’ and she’d give the rest to Compassion – at which point I was thinking I’m not doing too badly at this mothering stuff!
But we’re no way ready to stop gift-giving. And my materialistic mother would not know what to do if I said we weren’t buying gifts. She’d probably accuse me of child cruelty. We have agreed with my sister-in-law to donate to charity in lieu of gifts, which is something 🙂
Sherri says:
Living counter culture is definitely hard. For my kids they get the ‘question fatigue’ at Halloween. The constant strange looks when the reply of ‘my family doesn’t celebrate’, the almost always 2nd remark of ‘what do your parents have against candy?’, etc. It has paid off though as my oldest is now out of her teen years. She was involved in a Halloween party at a friends house this year and she chose (as an adult/almost) to not participate. That makes a mom proud, that even though she went through heck as a kid each year, she still chose on her own to practice our family value. Our new label for our kids is ‘the unicorn in the room’. They practice embracing every day in public school, being the unicorn (strange one) in the crowd. Being salt & light – it’s tough out there, for these kids in this culture! They all need our prayers. Romans 5:3-4
Marisa says:
What a fabulous post. How we have to battle against the world’s pressures to keep our focus where it should be at Christmas. Love your idea of writing down what you already have – to be thankful to the one who has already given all for us. May these lessons grow deep roots in the hearts of your children and blessings to you for planting these seeds in their lives 🙂
Rebekah says:
I totally disagree. God has given us many and all gifts. Look around you. God is generous; God wants us to enjoy all things. How is it wrong to give our children gifts mirroring God’s many gifts to us? How is it wrong to show them love this way? To me, this is an awesome way to show them God’s love. I think you may be taking a bad attitude that was passed onto you from growing up and instead of sanctifying it through your experience of salvation you are trying to completely strike it from your children’s experience. Seriously, by you depriving your kids of gifts at a time when all other children are receiving gifts you are setting them up (in my humble opinion) to have bitterness toward God as they get older. When do you give your kids gifts? Why not now? As children, they are constantly growing, their interests are growing. I hope they aren’t playing/reading/discovering the same things they were as 1, 2 or 3 year olds. When do you give them new things to discover/read, etc. We don’t buy our kids lots of toys, books, games, etc. through the year. One reason being, so we can shower them with gifts at Christmas. Gifts don’t have to be useless junk – although some of those kinds of “useless junk” just b/c they want it – gifts are totally appropriate. Look at God!!! He has given us SO MUCH!!!!! God became MAN!!! Earthy!!!! I don’t know you, a friend shared your post on FB, but I just wanted to offer another perspective. Thanks. By giving gifts and celebrating God’s greatest gift, as well as his additional bountiful gifts without number, we as Christians should be the ones celebrating the LOUDEST!!!!
Shaun Groves says:
I’ve written quite a lot about gift giving here: http://shaungroves.com/series/going-giftless/
Julie says:
I totally agree with you Rebekah. Reading this post made me sad. I feel there is this weird guilt trip going right now in Christian circles on getting your kids gifts and even having a traditional “Santa” gift. Can’t there be BOTH the joy of embracing gift-giving as a reflection of God’s gift of Jesus, AND emphasizing that Jesus is the gift? I have teenagers now and they definitely get that emphasis in our home and we still have fun making wishes for Christmas. I hesitated to comment because people were so gushingly supportive, but I was glad someone else offered a counter-perspective.
Sheila Warner says:
Listening. That’s the greatest gift we can give our children. I learned that far too late in life. My children are now grown and we have good relationships, but when they were little I was not a compassionate person at all. Thanks for this great post. We only have a short time with our children, who are God’s gifts to us. May all of us remember the huge responsibility we have, and may we always show God’s love to them as they grow. Keep up the good work. Your kids will thank you when they are grown.
Jill Foley says:
Our girls get a few gifts from us at Christmas, but we do a lot of talking about the gifts God has already given us and also how we can give gifts to God.
In November my girls started a “thankful journal” and we’ve continued with it – writing down a “gift” we are thankful for. I’m not sure what twist I’ll give it in January, but I love taking a moment to pause and think about all we’ve been given.
Beth says:
I don’t see anything wrong with gift-giving at Christmas time. Why is it that because it’s not “our birthday,” we cannot receive a gift or gifts? God is the ultimate gift-giver! He gave us His Son! In giving gifts to others at Christmastime, it is a chance to model the giving of God to us. Our family focus is on Christ and His birth, His putting on of human skin while remaining fully God. We also give gifts to each other, and do for others outside our family as well. The kids are always excited to get the letters that come from our sponsored children after Christmas to see what they received from our gift-giving. Is that wrong? Not at all. It’s great for all of us to be mindful of all we have, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong to want things. It’s where our heart is in those things that makes it good or bad.
Patty Giorgio says:
Absolutely beautiful story Shaun. Thank you for sharing and reminding us how abundantly blessed we are. Merry Christmas dear friend.
You and your family are so special to me and will always be. OH WHAT YOU’VE DONE WITH YOUR LIFE…I’m so proud of you and so blessed to know you. Love to all, Patty Giorgio