Shaun Groves
After yesterday’s post, quite a few women said they wanted to know how Becky stays sane and keeps everything running smoothly when I’m traveling.
My initial response? Bwahahahaha!
Seriously, it’s flattering – and delusional – for anyone to think that my wife could fall apart because I’m not home. Oh, my friends, you really don’t know my wife.
And so, a Q&A with Becky…
Shaun: So, Becky, how can you possibly stay sane without me? How. On earth. Do you get by?
Becky: Netflix.
Shaun: (blank stare)
Becky: You want me to answer that?
Shaun: Yep.
Becky: Uhhh. Well, ok, one way I stay sane is to not over-busy our lives. I’m not rushing to and fro trying to get four kids four different places. And now that Gabriella is older (she’s eleven) she helps – I can run two kids to piano while she waits for the youngest to get home from school. I can go get a pizza while Gabriella watches the kids.
Shaun: What about when the kids were younger? How’d you survive without me then?
Becky: We have lots of children in the neighborhood. The kids played with them outside; I put out a tray of snacks and sat outside watching them play, talking to neighbors who were home. It’s about managing expectations.
Shaun: What do you mean?
Becky: I know in advance when you’ll be at home. I get my grocery shopping done when you’re here. I expect to have less time to myself, less time to get things done, when you’re gone. I try not to schedule a lot of things while you’re gone. And the kids have always known this schedule of yours. They can see the schedule on the calendar. They expect you to be gone and know when. …And the kids help a lot. They can make their own lunches, clean their rooms, do laundry, clean their bathroom, clean up after themselves. The older they get, the more they can do for themselves and that helps a lot.
Shaun: So what’s an example of not managing expectations well?
Becky: I kind of gear up for a certain amount of time you’re going to be gone. I don’t just mark your concerts on the calendar but your travel time there and back too. So if you end up being gone longer than I expected, THAT stresses me. I don’t like that. The expectations are set by all those rules we’ve made too. When we don’t follow the rules it causes stress.
Shaun: And that causes me stress. If you’re stressed. Because then I have to sit in the corner when I get home. I don’t like the corner.
…So I think other women sometimes are defensive on your behalf. They think I’m mistreating you, abandoning you. I get asked things like “So Becky’s basically a single mom half the year???” What would you say to them? Do you feel that way?
Becky: Well, yes, I am a single mom part of the year – not half of the year – but I expect that to happen. This has been your career for twelve years. There’s nothing wrong with being a single mom for a little while…if I know you’re coming back!
Shaun: As far as you know…
Becky: Right. Well, then our next interview will be with me behind bars…
Shaun: Duly noted.
Becky: I think this is where my personality comes in too. I don’t expect you to be the only one who can get the oil changed. I don’t wait for you to come home so the checkbook can get balanced. My personality is independent. I’ve always been pretty self-sufficient.
Shaun: First born.
Becky: Yea. I lived by myself. So, sure we have a division of work – some things are typically yours to do but that’s not a hard line. So if you’re gone and something important needs to be done I understand it’ll have to wait or I do it myself or I ask someone else for help. If it can’t wait I can ask for help. But I don’t harbor resentment toward you for not doing something that you’re not here to do.
Hopefully you’d tell me if my being so independent bothered you.
Shaun: Well, it does sometimes. But I’ve told you that. I’ve asked you to please not hang things or move furniture when I’m gone. I’d like to keep pretending you need me for something. Plus when you hang stuff it’s not straight. And there’s not enough OCD medicine in the world to keep me from twitching when a picture isn’t straight.
Becky: Well, that comes from years of knowing each other. I know what bothers you – it’s expectations! – If I hung something when you were out of town I wouldn’t be surprised if you were bothered by that.
Shaun: Would my traveling be harder for you to take if it wasn’t for a good cause? Does that help you at all – knowing what I’m out there doing?
Becky: Probably. There’s a bigger purpose. But still, if I consider you the primary provider for our family and if we, as adults, realize that part of that is traveling, then I’m going to put my big girl panties on and deal with it. We’re adults.
Shaun: But I could provide in lots of other ways? I could get a church job, teaching or leading music. I could teach school? Do graphic design? Chippendales? So many alternatives. D you ever wish I’d just change jobs and stop traveling?
Becky: Well, all ministry jobs – from my experience – take a lot of time away from family too. I’d rather your time away be in chunks instead of time away every day. Ministry and teaching are more unpredictable – you’d have a regular work day but there’s plenty of overtime too. Other kinds of jobs? I don’t wish you’d take one because I think God called you to do this. You’re satisfied. I’d rather have a guy at home three or fours days a week who feels he has a purpose in his work than have an unsatisfied purposeless guy at home more often.
Shaun: Some women wonder if you worry at all about what I’m doing out there on the road with all those women folk coming to my concerts?
Becky: All the adoring fans?
Shaun: Tens of them.
Becky: It only takes one. By the way, remember the jail reference earlier? …No, you don’t travel alone, you don’t have conversations alone with women – you’ve done what you can to limit the risk. And you haven’t given me any reason to worry either.
Shaun: And you’re hot.
Becky: And I still think you’re funny.
Shaun: And that’s all I need.
Anything else to add?
Becky: Yea, you’re good at taking time off and spending time with me and the kids. You don’t hole up in your office when you’re home. I see you a lot.
Shaun: Well, I know your love language is time. And I actually like you. And I usually like the kids. So I want to hang out with you. I know other musicians who feel punished for being gone, nagged, guilt tripped. They don’t like being home. You make home my favorite place to be. I never feel guilty.
Becky: Oh, that’s good for you. Sad for them. I mean, I understand wanting to be away. If my mom job could require traveling – sans kids – I’d be outta here some days. So I don’t resent you but sometimes I envy your away time. I wonder if that’s what some of the guilt trip is about. Those wives don’t get equal time away. I get that. But I think they need to remember that their husbands ARE working while they’re gone. It’s not like you’re on the beach sipping maitais. You’re working.
Shaun: Sure I am. Seriously though? I feel guilty being gone some days because sometimes what I’m doing doesn’t feel like work. I’ve had real jobs and this isn’t a real job. And I know how hard your job is – it’s harder than mine. I don’t answer half as many questions as you do in a day. And I’ve never done twelve loads laundry in a twenty-four hour period.
Becky: Yes, but I get to sleep in my bed every night.
Gresham (age 10): Alone.
Shaun: Thanks for that, son.
Gresham: You’re welcome.
Shaun: Don’t you have a bathroom to clean?
Becky: That would help a lot.
Brad says:
As you’ve mentioned before, you definitely married up. :^) I love how practically minded you both are. I see you both putting Godly goals in front of personal comforts. This used to be called “being an adult”, however it is becoming more and more rare. Blessings on you both!
Pradeep says:
I’d love to see a video of this interview. You guys are hilarious!
Rebecca says:
I completely agree, this was really fun to read! 🙂
Lianna Spaulding says:
Bahahahahaha! Great ending, hilarious! And great point Becky….about other women’s jealousy that their job(s) doesnt require as much time away from the kiddos. We don’t wanna admit it, but sometimes it’s true! (I’m a mom of 5 kids and one due in Feb) lol ;P
Kelli says:
Chippendales? I…I can’t…I can never burn that image from my brain, you know…
I love Becky’s attitude toward your time away. It’s so easy as wives to allow anger and, dare I say, jealousy cloud our vision of our husbands. Yes, they are usually away from the home more than we are and in the never ending, unrelenting tasks of the day to day child rearing, we can so easily assume that sometimes we, too, DESERVE time away. As if time is something we own and are entitled to.
Lee has been studying The Screwtape Letters recently and is preparing to teach a class on the nature of God based on these letters. He read one to me a couple of weeks ago that has been churning around, particularly as he begins a job that requires more travel. In this particular letter, the demon writing the letters addresses “Wormwood” about how to manipulate man into to thinking and believing that time is his to be owned and managed. This quote has really worked to help me keep perspective on the curious notion of time and how it is to be managed:
“Now you will have noticed that nothing throws him (man) into a passion so easily as to find a tract of time which he reckoned on having at his own disposal unexpectedly taken from him…[This] angers him because he regards his time as his own and feels that it is being stolen. You must therefore zealously guard in his mind the curious assumption ‘My time is my own.’ Let him have the feeling that he starts each day as the lawful possessor of twenty-four hours.” C. S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters
When I remember that my time is not my own, that I am not a lawful possessor of these hours, I am less likely to stomp my feet in indignation when the kids interrupt whatever down time I may have, when Lee leaves town for a few days, when someone calls and needs my help, when a pile of laundry wars against a good book. I think this principle is key for all of us to cling to, but particularly moms who are in the thick of child raising. 🙂
Bonnie says:
Thank you both for being funny, realistic, and relatively sane. My husband and I try to approach our family life in a similar fashion and people treat us like we are doing something completely radical. No guilt, just trust, acceptance, communication, love, and lots of laughing at ourselves. Bonus points for Gresham for comedic timing.
Kit says:
That was very entertaining. I didn’t actually wonder at all “how she does it,” because I do it too and have always known that women can be quite strong and do a lot of things when it’s needed. But it was still fun to read her (and your son’s) input 🙂
By the way, I shared your “rules” post with my husband (who also travels a lot– and we don’t get to say “no” if the trip is over birthdays and school programs), and he liked them! he used the word “intentionality.” (which according to spell check is not actually a word). I had tried to ask you a follow-up question in the comments about how you stay accountable for the “rules” you’ve agreed upon but sometimes my comments get eaten somehow (and then I feel like I’m in jr. high again and I give up). But anyway, that “intentionality” is what we often lack, and why I was asking that question, and it was nice to have these blog posts of yours open up some discussion in our own family here 🙂
Marla Taviano says:
This is great, Becky. I haven’t been the most awesome wife lately. I know you’re not perfect, but your selfless attitude is inspiring. Thanks for sharing!
Angie says:
Great Post! Love hearing things from Becky’s perspective. Also find it fascinating that people weigh in on your marriage and judge you for the traveling you do.
Keep up the good work.
Jolanthe says:
Love this conversation. 🙂 The expectations issue is huge and usually when Rick and I have something that is ‘off’, it’s because expectations somehow managed to get skewed along the way.
Tell Becky hi… 🙂
shayne says:
Does Becky have a blog? I like this woman. It would be great to get to meet her and sit on the porch with snacks and gab while we occasionally yell at your kids or other people’s kids.
She could call her blog “How Becky Does It.”
I predict it to be a social media sensation.
Kathy says:
I second the idea for “How Becky Does It” blog. I would so be a regular “stalker” of her life musings… esp. if she shares tips on how to get the kids to clean their bathroom! 🙂
Sandi says:
I wish I knew Becky in real life. I like people who are not afraid to be real. And are funny. It’s a good combination.
Jessica says:
I like you guys. Let’s be friends.
Misti says:
Thanks for the interview with Becky. You guys are so funny!!! My hubby & I will be implementing some of your ideas & working at finding other things that work to make his being gone less stressful.
Katie Axelson says:
I love this! I do agree with an earlier commenter, a video would have been fun. 😉 Thanks for sharing. I love hearing from Becky’s point of view and her thoughts on your “not real job” plus the bantering is always fun. I ended up reading a portion of this aloud because I kept getting asked why I was laughing.
Rebecca says:
For two people I don’t actually know, I really like you both a lot! I hope this is a safe enough place to say something though. As a single mom (husband left four years ago) I cringe when married women talk about ‘single-momming’ it. Please don’t misunderstand me—I know how hard it can be being stuck by yourself for periods of time managing things solo. I did that frequently. It is hard. I in no way negate that. But, trust me here, it still does not compare to actually, truly ‘single-momming’ it. I provide for three children alone. I don’t get days off. (or hours off usually.) I don’t have someone to back up my parenting or bounce ideas off of. I don’t get to look forward to a husband coming home or date nights or a not so empty bed (though I wish I could.). I still mistakenly say “we” and then remember there is none.
Like any good parent I want what is best for my kids, I want to give them a stable, loving home that points them to Jesus. And some days I’m not sure how we will make it. How to provide financially completely alone and still be all that my children need and deserve. Do not pity me-that is not why I’m de-lurking (ugh—I hate that word!) to say this. I just want others to be aware that sometimes even such an innocuous statement can rub raw. So I speak for all the silent single parents out there who wonder if anyone actually gets it or cares. I know most of us don’t speak up—I rarely ever do. I guess this whole internet thing gives some measure of anonymity and courage to the otherwise silent.
The lifestyle you choose is an amazing testimony to God and of the character of both you and Becky. Always remember- you still have each other and that is A LOT. Even when one has to manage alone for a time you still are unified. I am so thankful for your marriage and the honesty and vulnerability with which you share some it. Thank you for letting me speak my peace. I rarely comment but read and pray regularly. In many ways, God used your blog (and others) to help carry me through some of the worst times. Thanks for your consistent bravery and transparency.
Sincerely, Rebecca
Karen says:
THANKS for so carefully and gently articulating “a different side”. I am praying right now that you and your kiddos have a sweet and special day today!
Margie says:
Interesting. My husband is a welder on the pipeline. Most of the time we go with him; sometimes, because of extended family or church family crisis we stay home and help how we can. We homeschool our 4 oldest and try to live peaceably with our toddler who is a tornado. In the past we have rented homes when we got to wherever we were going. This fall we took the plunge and purchased a travel trailer. Now we’re all together in the travel trailer. All. Together. All of us. With a 6 gallon water heater we are very grateful to have. 🙂 Over the years, I have traveled with him and stayed in hotels; stayed at home raising a litter of preschoolers; stayed at home with him layed off from work. The biggest adjustment we have faced (that ya’ll didn’t mention) was assuming authority while dad is gone but then successfully handing it back when dad comes home. I had to hide in the bathroom of the travel trailer to furiously type this out sans interruption but the 3 minute siesta is OVER and the peeps are sticking their fingers under the door. Thanks for the post! Good stuff.
Kris says:
I’t’s clear God matched you two, and of course, He did a fine job. What a gift a strong marriage partnership is! I appreciate your candidness andhonesty about the habbit of making it work well.
You guys rock. So grateful for your witness. (both of you!)