“Just a little wave,” my mom said.
“You want me to get a perm?” I asked.
“Just a wave,” she said. “A body wave.”
I had no choice. The appointment was made at the Red Barn Beauty Salon. Raoul – I’m not making this up – gave me just a wave. A body wave.
Raoul and my mother completely ruined the Anthony Michael Hall thing I had cultivated.
But things got worse.
(Middle school is nothing but a collection of “things got worse” moments. I say we break with school from ages 12 to 14 and resume our educations again at 15, once the plague on our faces has cleared up a bit and everyone has body hair. Just a suggestion. Who’s with me?)
In the seventh grade I had to choose between playing kickball and working out to Jane Fonda videos in P.E. or playing a sport. Though I’d never watched the game and had no muscles anywhere, I chose football. Because I was completely talentless, the coach made me a wide receiver, knowing that we wouldn’t pass the ball all season.
I didn’t care. I wasn’t on the team to play the game. I was on the team to be on the team. To be one wrung higher on the adolescent food chain – even if I was hanging from that wrung with my underwear pulled up to my armpits by a linebacker. Wedgies are a small price to pay for acceptance.
Picture day kinda made it feel official. I would have photographic proof that I, yes I, was on the football team.
The night before pictures would be snapped…
“You have great hair,” Raoul lisped. “It took the chemicals so well!”
Just a wave was an afro when Raoul was done with me. The size of my head doubled. An ulcer in my stomach formed.
Raoul warned it would ruin the wavefro, so I washed my hair a dozen times that night. I slept with a hat on. The next morning I doused my head in my big sister’s Texas-strong Aquanet “extra hold”, squished, repeated.
I wore my helmet until the last possible moment. And then…
This is why fantasy football exists. For all the guys who did buttocks squeezes to a Jane Fonda video on the cold asbestos tiles of a gymnasium. For all the guys who lined up at wide receiver and were never thrown the ball. For all the people who won the science fair and competed in academic decathlons and never got a pep rally. For all who are gainfully employed today but didn’t succeed when it really mattered. For all the people who’ve lived in a pathetic unathletic reality for far too long…there is fantasy.*
I’m living vicariously through Arian Foster – the star running back sans wavefro who is leading my fantasy team Foster The People. FTP dominated the competition this week – made up mostly of children 14 and under. I spiked my laptop, yelled “In your face!” at my nine year-old and did a salsa dance in the endzone of my office – also known as that space between my desk and piano.
For me, it was like picture retakes. This time without Raoul.
Here’s hoping Arian stays healthy, Romo doesn’t choke and Brandon Marshall creams the Packers’ secondary. Who are you rooting for this week?
*I hate that I even have to explain this, but this entire paragraph is sarcastic. As well as other sentences in this post. Please don’t be angry.
Jenn says:
Oh. My. Word.
I got my first perm at 10 from a guy named Asha who had hair like Crystal Gayle. But I am a girl, so…
I did have guy friends who would grow a mullet-like thing in back and have just that permed. At least your “wave” was all over. The 80’s were just atrocious for hair, weren’t they?
Love the asterisk… so silly, and yet so necessary.
Shaun Groves says:
Wow, what a visual?? A dude with Crystal Gayle hair. no way I’d sit in that chair.
And, um, I had the permed mullet in sixth grade. I looked exactly like the lea singer of Alabama, which was a good thing at the time.
Brad says:
Oh my. What is it with moms and embarassing sons. It wasn’t hair for me, it was a jacket that mom made me wear to prom…I jacket a refuse to describe.
I’m with you on the 12-15 break from school. How many embarrassing moments would not be in my memory if those years could be erased. It was a little different for me as I was a 4 sport athlete but I only played 4 sports because in my small town of just over 2,000 that’s what guys did…if you could. This does not mean I was a jock, it just means my ridicule usually came at practice instead of the hallway.
And I just went with a buzz cut…and a hot pink and tiger striped bandana…don’t ask. It seemed cool at the time.
So enjoy your fantasy…it is probably much more fun than much of the reality anyway.
Shaun Groves says:
My mom’s amazing – the person I most want to be like when I grow up. But, yea, she whiffed this one.
We need photographic evidence of the prom jacket and the bandana.
brad says:
If I can find the old photos I will scan and post. The Internet will never be the same.
Liz Reeves says:
Oh Shaun! I love it!! This age is what I remember you as. I remember Lindy’s long, beautifully curled hair and your mullet! Great post! (and I totally got the sarcastic paragraph, no worries!)
Shaun Groves says:
Having you around keeps me honest…and humble.
Liz Reeves says:
Looks like you have at least a few of us from your E. Texas roots on here! ๐
Sarah aka MainlineMom says:
My middle school hair looked exactly like yours in that top photo. Except with a bit MORE wave. Not an inch more hair. As a girl, it was incredibly unfair. My mom did not know how to do curls.
Shaun Groves says:
Well you seem completely normal now. That must have been some good therapy ; )
Melissa Jones says:
I had the opposite problem with perms – I desperately wanted my bone-straight hair to be curly and nothing seemed to work. So we got a “hard-to-wave” perm, left it in for longer than it said to, and the next morning at school……my best friends didn’t even notice I’d done anything different.
I eventually found a method for curling my hair when I wanted it to be curly and came to terms with it being straight the rest of the time (really, the best of both worlds, imo _now_).
As for fantasy football…..well….the Os are listed in first place in the AL-E! Woohoo! Looking forward to playoffs for the first time in a LOOOOONG time!
Jenn says:
Melissa, my hair did not take curl well, either. The really funny thing is that once it was curly I just wanted it straight, and my mom would iron it (on the ironing board!) before school. It’s a wonder I am not completely bald right now.
And I am so with you on fantasy football/regular football… we are baseball people here. And we LOVE the O’s! (We live the same distance from DC as from Baltimore, so we also love the Nat’s.)
Melissa Jones says:
Jenn, you must be my neighbor then! We live in Savage, literally right next to the Mill. Are you in Laurel?
Jenn says:
No- we are on the other side, in Frederick!
Matthew (FzxGkJssFrk) says:
Apparently there’s a whole Shaun Fan Club in Maryland… We just bought our first home in Damascus.
Melissa Jones says:
Well, go Os! ๐ Next time Shaun’s in town, maybe we’ll get to meet each other in real life!
Shaun Groves says:
I don’t get baseball at all. Seems like, if you don’t sweat playing the game, it’s not a sport. ; )
Melissa Jones says:
You’ve clearly never played baseball if you’ve never sweat playing the game!
Danny Meeker says:
What can I say Shaun? You completely rock, in so many ways! Thank you for being so awesome! Honestly, I really don’t get Fantasy Football, but I do understand that it is a big deal for some people and I respect that. Having grown up in Northern California, I have been a 49er fan pretty much all my life. It’s been a tough decade up until last year, but things are looking good these days.
Also, I love the reference to your “office”. I can’t wait to have one someday as well ๐
Shaun Groves says:
Compliments are awkward. But, thank you, Danny.
I have David Akers, kicker for the 49ers, on my team. And…he set an NFL record in Week 1! If you see him around town, tell him thanks for me.
Danny Meeker says:
He is a stud, I’ll say that. He’s also a strong believer in a very public setting and that’s even more awesome!
All of my hair embarrassments when I was growing up were my own doing. I have curly hair (when I have hair, which I don’t at the moment) and couldn’t stand it growing up. I was constantly trying to make it straight (which never works out well). One time I even went so far as to get a “reverse perm”…didn’t work so well and my head smelled for a week. Eventually I realized that curly hair is awesome, but then when I grew it out too much I looked like Frodo, so that didn’t work too well either. Everything in moderation I guess.
Matthew (FzxGkJssFrk) says:
That 63-yarder off the crossbar was AWESOME.
Kit says:
Another terrific post! I totally agree with you about taking a break from school from age 12-14. Maybe 15 too ๐
Shaun Groves says:
Seriously! I hated middle school. If I could remove any period from my life it would be middle school. Of course, if I could go back and live it knowing what I know now…oh, I’d do things differently for sure.
Karen says:
I know I should have something wonderfully creative to write, but am laughing too hard!!!!!
Jill Foley says:
You really should have made this a link-up post and invited everyone to post their own perm photos!
Shaun Groves says:
That would make me a mom blogger and I’m certainly not one of those ; )
brad says:
Perm photos. Mom blogger. Must…resist…temptation…to tease…
Shaun Groves says:
It’s hard, I know, Brad. But I have stopped posting cakes I’ve frosted. Baby steps.
JR says:
Shaun, you’ve got Pinterest. I think that ship has done sailed now.
Kari says:
Dang it, JR! You stole my line! ๐
Shauna says:
Totally with you on the middle school thing – have my own little middle schooler homeschooling because of it. It is a weird season in life – why not be at home? Ya know, to avoid things like this ;). hehe We will miss seeing you at T4A this year.
Zoรซ says:
I was so bad at sport the teacher made me referee. Finally at the age of 34 the optician told me why I have never been able to catch very well. I felt so relieved!
I wouldn’t usually laugh at someone, but ohhhh dear o_O I thought the perm my mother made me get when I was 11 was bad because my blonde hair just turned into enormous blonde frizz. But at least I was a girl (stifling a suspiciously girlish giggle). Thank you for making me laugh. I really needed that today! ๐
Kelli says:
Kudos to you for posting a perm photo on the Internet. Mine are buried, never to be seen unless my Mom develops a mean streak and decides to post without permission.
I was in 7th grade and my hair torturer insisted on perking my bangs along with the rest of my hair, despite my protests. I ended up looking like an electric poodle. It was truly tragic…
brad says:
Electric Poodle. I love that. Weren’t they a rock band in the 70’s? :^)
Shaun Groves says:
They should have been.
Kelli says:
I could have been the lead singer. But very big, very frizzy, very bad perms would have been uniform in order to rock with this group…
And tight rolled pants.
Kari says:
Kelli, I could have been in that band! I had sparkle to go with my poodle-do. There’s an 8th grade photo somewhere of me with that…ahem…perm (it was the only time I actually burst into tears in a salon), and braces AND a white sweatshirt with silver embroidery all across the front. Whoo!
Jessica says:
I am thoroughly impressed with the sheer . . . volume of that wave you’re riding. How is it so big?!
Btw, after teaching middle school last year, my husband came up with an elaborate theory about how middle schoolers really should not be schooled. I think he threw in some science facts in there about brain development or hormones or something, but the conclusion was simple – middle schoolers should spend a few years joining the workforce before pursuing “higher” education.
Shaun Groves says:
Texas humidity was a factor. Certainly.
shayne says:
My first perm came at the hands of my mom and Ogilvie.
I was 9.
Prior to that point I had healthy gorgeous hair that went to my waist. I was blonde and cute and all the guys in my class wanted to know my name.
After the perm…it all went downhill.
Have I mentioned I was 9? There’s a reason salons won’t put chemicals on the heads of children under 12. My hair was beyond fried. Eventually, my mom stuck a bowl (don’t laugh…I’m serious here) on my head and cut it all off.
Which is why I now suffer from PTPDHD.
“Post-Traumatic Perm Disaster Haircut Disorder.”
*sob*
Liz Reeves says:
PTPDHD! LOVE it!!!! ๐
thomas says:
I hate to say this as a life long Bears fan, but I have a bad bad feeling about tonight’s game. I hope that you are right with the Brandon Marshall thing. I just do not see the Packers going 0-2 with the first 2 loses at home.
Thomas
Shaun Groves says:
But
RyanJay Cutler is a stud. And the Packers secondary was week in the first game. We’ll see.Matthew (FzxGkJssFrk) says:
Ryan Cutler? Ryan? (Must… control… Vanderbilt football inferiority…complex…. gaaaaccckkk)
Oh, you must have meant a Matt Ryan – Jay Cutler platoon at QB. Which, incidentally, is my fantasy QB situation. (Cruz to Victory – can you guess who my #1 WR is?) I still have a couple hours to mull over whether to start Cutler against Green Bay.
brad says:
I hope one of you has Alex Smith. I think his stats are going to ramp up as the season goes on. His confidence is growing and he has a good line in front of him and a balanced offense. Could be interesting.
Shaun Groves says:
I don’t know how great he’ll be for fantasy points. For fantasy it’s best to have a QB who runs a little.
btw, I’ve got the Texans defense. If they were taken my second choice would have been the 49ers.
brad says:
So, by that criteria RG3 would have the potential to be a fantasy league dream-come-true?
Matthew (FzxGkJssFrk) says:
D’oh – I JUST missed out on the Texans D in the draft. I got Denver instead – hoping they are a sleeper this year.
cshell says:
I’ve got Brady and Vick…but sadly, after those two my team drops off the cliff rather quickly. Hate my team this year.
Shaun…all I heard in that entire post was “Anthony Michael Hall” C L A S S I C
RaD says:
I had Arian Foster last year! He was snapped up this year before I even had a chance. However, currently I am undefeated in my league. I know, I know the season just started, and who cares that I beat the only person in our league that I could beat (read: I got second to last in points and played the person who got last place!) I’m still tied for the lead!
Kristin says:
I have mentally deleted most of sixth- and seventh-grade from my memories.
But, sadly, I was in high school when I put Sun-In in my dark, dark brown hair. I was a lifeguard that summer. And my hair gradually turned orange. That was bad enough. Then my hair started growing out … and the dark roots with orange tips were oh-so terrible.
Kathleen Caron says:
I saw a bunch of metro DC inhabitants up the thread, are not any of you Skins fans?? I know we’ve been in the dumps for awhile, but this season is looking good with RGIII, we had a great season opener against the Saints. And I do love your middle school hairdo.
Jenn says:
Ha ha Kathleen… no fans here. But we are transplants from the (deep) south where college football is akin to religion. We love the ACC and baseball of any kind. We tend to pull more for NFL players than teams, especially former NC State-ers like Phillip Rivers (Chargers) and Jerricho Cotchery… although he plays for the Steelers now. I can’t say how I feel about the Steelers, since this is Shaun’s blog & I know he’s a fan.
That was way too much information, wasn’t it?
Kathleen Caron says:
Of course not, I could talk about football all day!
Krissy says:
I got a HORRIBLE perm, once in high school. It looked a little better after I got it cut–cutting off some of the offending perm–which my mother wouldn’t let me do until AFTER I had gone to school with it looking as horrible as possible. She was “teaching (me) not to be vain.” Thank GOD the 80’s are over.
Jonnia says:
Oh, the combination of kid’s hair, a determined mom dissatisfied with said hair, and a looming picture day is a recipe for disaster. Every school photo I had taken between 4th grade and 8th is a testament to this. I finally learned to make sure my mom never found out about picture day again, even for clubs and band.
There was still a struggle when the time came for senior pictures, but I was willing to die on that hill, if necessary! Thankfully she let me out of the house untouched before it came to that.
Glad to hear you’ve found a way to heal over these old wounds. ;o)
Kris says:
Ha. This is classic. Love your sense of humor and willingness to let it show–bad hair and all.
And I think the years 11-15 should be completely zapped into oblivion. We lovingly refer to them as “the dog years”. Blech. I wouldnt re-live them for anything.
Tsh @ Simple Mom says:
Shaun, have you noticed Emily’s “Dear Me” posts this week? (I did one, Kat did one, like 30 other bloggers you know did one.) This counts. You should totally add it. Just saying. ๐
And also just saying? Your hair has gone through quite an evolution. It’s like one of your trademarks now.
Vicki says:
Moms are good at embarrassing their daughters, too. My mom used to home-perm my hair and my sister’s on those thin rollers that made for a mass of unmanageable curls around the back and sides of my hair–and in front, on top. I hated that look, but she said that, until I learned to take care of my own hair, it would continue.
My sister had the misfortune of getting one of the “poodle” cuts, when they were the thing…mid- to late-50’s, I’m guessing. That was no iimprovement over my mom’s work.
Then there was the “bubble” look, which I did with slightly more success, except that my hair has always been too thin and too fine to hold much teasing (the kind with a comb…).
Now, I just do the best I can, and it doesn’t look much different than it did in the 5th and 6th grades during those periods when the perm’ was gone and I got myself ready for school. I can do a little better with a pro’ perm, now, but years of harsh chemicals take their toll on hair–and the number of those things that fall out. So I’m doing without.
Sigh…I wonder if we’ll have hair in heaven. If so, will it just be perfect, or will our angels take care of it for us?