She stood at the stove making dinner and I wanted to wrap my arms around her waist, kiss her neck and tell her I love her. But anger got the better of me so the last words I spoke to my wife were angry.
On the drive to the airport I felt the anger in my chest, bubbling up through my neck and into my locked jaw. I had reason to be annoyed, to disagree maybe, but not to be angry – not like this.
I don’t get angry often. What’s my problem? Gosh, it hasn’t been since…
On stage at the Together For Adoption conference I got nervous. I got nervous ever time I introduced another speaker, every time I sang. Even talking to people in the lobby in between sessions was difficult.
So many fleeting – thankfully fleeting! – moments of anxiety, like every nerve in my body was busily buzzing, like my body was clenched and wouldn’t relax.
I don’t get nervous. I haven’t been anxious since…
Then on from Atlanta to Nashville for a quick few hours of sleep. Then on a plane bound for Denver.
Lots of caffeine later…I sat in the green room back stage at WaterStone Community Church in Littleton, Colorado in silence. Usually, I hang out with people before a concert. I wanted to Sunday night, but I was empty.
Just before going on stage I felt it wrap around me. Depression, like syrup poured into the gears of my brain. I felt once again like I had a toddler strapped to each leg. I had to force my eyebrows up and down, will my hands to move when I spoke, bend my face into a smile – I pretended to be human.
But I’m not a good actor. Jokes were so dry they were unrecognizable at times. I stumbled over words and over the edge of the rug beneath my feet every time I walked to and from the piano.
It was mild. Thank God it was mild. I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t faithless. I didn’t feel abandoned by God. Just so slow.
I was the perfect place for my brain to break. The people at Waterstone Community Church are some of the most joyful and most encouraging that I’ve met on the road. This church of about 800 sponsors 508 kids. (Well, now they sponsor 520!) And their compassion isn’t limited to children living in poverty. I received it too.
Though I never said from stage what was going on in my brain (I was naive enough at the time to think I was faking it pretty well) they sensed it. The pastor, Andy, asked if they could pray with me. With his hand on my shoulder and every head in the audience bowed, he asked God for strength. And God answered. The next morning there was no slowness, no anxiety and only anger at myself.
Because I know better. I know better than to go on so little sleep for so many days, to put so much junk into my body, to ignore anger and anxiety that have no cause – the first signs of depression for me. I’ll do better. But I need your help.
I’m home for most of today and then I’ll board another plane this evening bound for Pennsylvania. I’m still struggling a bit for words. This post has taken me forever to write. Pray me there and back? Pray the words out of my mouth and into hearts that are fertile soil? Pray for my wife and kids who miss me right now? Pray for rest when I return?
After Pennsylvania I have two weeks off. Two weeks of making better choices, dating my wife, playing with my kids and working from home. I can’t wait.
What can we pray for you?
Jessica says:
Same. Just – same.
Liz Reeves says:
Father,
Wrap your arms around Shaun right now. Allow him to feel your presence, your warmth, your comfort. God, give him the strength to speak, to sing, to show compassion. God, get him through this, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, one breath at a time. Hold him close, Jesus, and walk with him through his time in Pennsylvania.
Jessica Carpenter says:
Travis & I have your back, friend. Praying for you. I’m praying also for the right support for you for your friends and family that know the words to the song in your heart & can sing it back to you in times of stress. And you know that T4A is always family. Our JTM family was so grateful for you. I believe our entire team is now sponsoring a child. God worked even in your weakness… He always does.
Stephanie says:
I will, when the words will come, be praying for you….could you do the same for me….the slowness hasn’t lifted, it’s getting more weighty.
Thanks.
Kris says:
God Thank you for Shaun, for the ministry you’ve called him to, for the gifts you’ve given him, for all the various ways you push him to be a light for you, and for those children whom he speaks out for. Lord, you know his struggles, his weaknesses, his aches, Father, cover them would you? them with your beautiful, abundant mercy and grace. Bring him home safely and quickly to those who love and wait on him at home. Bless him with comfort and peace and sweet, restorative rest as he travels and serves. Father may he never feel abandoned or alienated from you during this time. Thank you for how much you love us–for the ways you stretch and use us, always pulling us closer to you, Lord, fill Shaun up this day. In Christs’ precious name, I ask these things–Amen.
Beth says:
As you know, I struggle with that same demon from time to time. My bouts are shorter and seem to last less time than they used to; a blessing to be sure.
I ask for prayer for my son, Alex. He just had his 4th job interview with Amazon today. He said it went very well (it had every other time too) and lasted over an hour.
Our FunDrive (pledge drive) for the radio station I work at starts on the 4th. It’s always a very stressful time for the station because it’s hard to ask people for money in these times, and they often feel that “their small amount” can’t make a difference, so they don’t contribute. We are not completely listener supported (about 40%), but it’s still critical to meet our goal. My GM has been with this station for 20 years and he is so faithful with all God provides. It’s hardest on him. There’s tons of “behind the scenes” stuff yet to do and the days (and nights) will be very long for the next few weeks. Pray for strength, health, and encouragement for all of us.
Thanks Shaun!
Thomas says:
Praying Beth. I’m marking the 4th on the calendar.
Kristin says:
Your honesty and humbleness right here make you transparently human. No pretending necessary.
I pray you sense the peace that passes all understanding and find joy wherever you’re traveling, whenever you’re home and whomever you’re with. I pray the same for your family too.
Jenn says:
Praying, Shaun. Thank you for sharing your humanity with us.
Loni says:
Thank you for your honesty . . . for being raw and open. I am sure most of your readers can relate. Relationships – marriage – anger – it all sure intermingles at times.
Yes, I will pray for you – and it helps to know another struggles like this too. We are not alone.
And God knows.
Marcia says:
Praying for you, brother. I wouldn’t have seen this in time if I had not taken the day off from work…so I know that’s part of my “job” today. You are singing at my alma mater (Eastern U in St Davids) and I sure wish I could be there…but know I am praying for you today – in PA. We can all get weary…but like the song says “somebody is praying you through”.
Susan says:
I am praying for you Shaun! Thank you for being so honest. It is our privilege as believers to stand in the gap for each other.
Blessings to you and your sweet family,
Susan
sarah valente (kingdom mama) says:
Jesus, please squeeze a little tighter as you hold Shaun Groves today–same for me. As your Glory flows through him, as He does your work, please let the sweet aftertaste of your Holy Spirit keep him hungry yet continually fed–same for me. Burn so brightly within him and through those around him that he no longer sees anything of evil or of worldliness or of things better left to you. It’s too dim, and you are everything–same for me.
Will says:
I was there Sunday night and I know I was blessed by what you said and sang. All others I’ve talked to were encouraged by you as well. Thank you for coming to Waterstone!
Mary Ostyn (Owlhaven) says:
Praying for you and your family, Shaun. One thing I struggled with at T4A when I went a few years back was wanting to advocate so strongly for orphans, but also having a very clear understanding of just.how.hard. it is to parent wounded souls. I saw naive folks, eager at the start of the journey, and I wondered what were the right words to be honest and yet also encouraging and pro-orphan. Felt very challenging. I have no idea if a similar issue was knocking around in your heart this week. Whatever it is, God knows. Blessings to you and your family. Praying for you all this minute.
Mary, momma to many
Kelli says:
Praying for you, friend.
Krystle says:
Love that you have shared this. None of you are immune, you who travel the world to bring HIS news. You are on the front-lines my friend.
You are being prayed for, as well as your family.
I pray those precious two weeks are stretched into an eternity and that it is filled with rest, encouragement, sweet love and fun.
Tracy Edwards says:
Praying for you, my friend!!
NancyTyler says:
You and I are not supposed to be depressed at the same time. Wasn’t that the agreement we had? 😉
God’s had you in my prayers extra lately–now I get it. I’m so grateful that you recognized what was happening, that you were ministered to and that you’re looking forward to rest and family time.
I’ve been on the edge of “Club D” for about six weeks. It has been a battle not to stay down when I start going down. But praise God, my boat is still afloat.
Added to that, there have been severe and discouraging political challenges at work that have affected the work I do. And last week, I got word that the teen I’ve been sponsoring through Compassion, quit Compassion, school, church and left home to live with her boyfriend. I have been in tears over her for the last week.
Even through the tears, I know that God’s faithful and what has been invested in His kingdom and in His children is never wasted and always worth it. And the discouragement at work has been an open door for others who are going through hard times to come and talk and be prayed for.
I’m thankful for this life, even during times like this when I’m limping through it.
Thomas says:
Praying Nancy… The seeds you planted with your compassion child will bear fruit in the future.
NancyTyler says:
Thanks. I’m grateful for the prayers.
Amy says:
Of course I will pray for you. When you have a hard time standing in the trenches, there are people to stand for you. <3
My prayer need is for our adjustment time. I am 5 months pregnant, my husband has been laid off for 5 months, (don't do the math), we are homeschooling our kids 1/2 time, BUT PTL, he starts a new job tomorrow. This is where I need to adjust. I am so used to having him home!
Christine says:
Praying for you and your family, Shaun. I am so sorry you have to deal with this thorn in the side right now. 🙁 I know He will use it.
Lynn says:
Thanks for giving us the opportunity to pray for you! May God’s strength revive you, may His comfort surround you, and may His joy uplift you.
Sandi says:
Praying this…Psalm 121:2-3
“My help comes from the Lord, Who made heaven and earth. He will not allow your foot to slip or to be moved; He Who keeps you will not slumber.”
For you, Shaun, and for each of the ladies that mentioned the same struggle.
Rachel says:
I know those feelings, too. Just prayed for you, Shaun. Be still and know . . .
Matthew (FzxGkJssFrk) says:
Praying for you and the students, that you all would be strengthened by your mutual faith.
Thomas says:
Praying Shaun…
Heather says:
Shaun,
Thank you for coming to Waterstone! It meant so much to have you there. I have only attended Waterstone since early summer after suffering tragedy in my family it was difficult to stay at the church we had been at for 10 years. God has healed many wounds in my heart since then. Anyways, my kids and I sponsored a child yesterday through compassion. We didn’t sponsor sunday night because I specifically wanted to choose a kid in Brazil because my parents were both born there and my grandfather was a missionary there for 40 years and built a seminary there. Thank you so much for coming and sharing the love of Jesus with us. You will be in our prayers daily.
Love in Christ,
Heather
Jenn says:
Praying for you Shaun.
Penny says:
Lord, I ask you to send Shaun and his family an abundance of the Holy Spirit. Let Shaun feel the strength you have placed inside him for battle. Guide him to the power he has, to resist the fog and the weight of the deceiver, to recognize the lies told to him. Guide those in Shaun’s path to assist him in battle. Cover his family in signs of Your love. Amen.
Sharon Lyon says:
Thank you Shuan for your honesty! Praying you home and back. Give yourself grace. I thank you for your transparency. I too struggle with depression & anger, but With God….and prayer we don’t have to! Interceding for you! So nice to have met you at T4A this past weekend! Thank you for serving, loving and singing your heart out so that people like me can find joy even in pain, cause its temporary. :).
Southern Gal says:
I’ve said a prayer for you and will continue to pray.
Vicki says:
Praying you through this time away, Shaun. Also praying for the Holy Spirit to move hearts as the students listen to you. May His Kingdom advance!
Melissa Jones says:
It sneaks up on you, doesn’t it? After a miscarriage and some other troubles, I keep thinking I’m finally coming out of it (and I _am_ doing worlds better)….but then it sneaks back. Having toddlers on your legs is a very apt description.
Praying for you, friend. In this, you may be weak, but He is strong, and more importantly, He is able to more than you could ever ask or imagine! His word (through your mouth) will not return void. And 1000 other promises: He is with you. He will not forsake you. _ALL_ things work together for good for those who love God and are called to His purposes.
Sara Richardson says:
Thanks so much for visiting WaterStone, Shaun! I’ve heard so many comments about the impact you had, especially in your description of how we stand together and inspire each other with our personal stories of God’s faithfulness. That is so descriptive of our church. We gravitate toward real people, not performers. And while you may have felt slow, we saw authenticity and someone with a big heart who is sacrificing a lot to touch a hurting world. And that touched us. To us, it was the perfect evening, orchestrated and gifted by God. Blessings!
Beth Zimmerman says:
I, too, struggle with depression, and I related so completely with this post and yet for some reason it had never occurred to me before that Depression has an aura … warning signs that come before I am hanging on to the edge of the pit with just my fingernails. I will pay better attention now and figure out what my cues are. Thank you for that! And now I will pray for you!
Jenna B. says:
PRAYING NOW!
Gina says:
Praying for you, brother. And for your family. And for God’s perpetual grace to pour over all over you and draw you closer to Himself.
Cathy says:
Wow. I’m at a loss for words. I am and will continue praying for you and your sweet family.
Blessings friend!
Ruth Abel says:
You don’t know me, but in 2007 I shook your hand at a concert you gave in VA. I was on my first date with my now husband. We sponsor 3 children because of your influence in our lives. Your ministry has blessed us, and we are thankful for what God does through you. You will be in my prayers!
Nina says:
Prayers for you. Prayers for those of us with friends and husbands in your boat. Help us to understand. Help us to use the power of the Holy Spirit to be patient and loving. To be there. Not to judge. Help us all see God’s will for our lives. For His Glory…
Melinda Lancaster says:
Yes, I will pray daily. And, I totally understand.
Rebecca Sarine says:
yes, I will pray for you and your family. blessings from God who is the source of strength and comfort to see you through.
i work 4 nights a week as an intensive care nurse. but i consider that my second job. most of my time and energy goes to my family (hubby and 4 young kids). my husband and i homeschool my older two. i often miss sleep or sleep in sort segments. its hard on the body and mind. i rely on caffeine and food and other things. its hard. but God is my source. daily. so my prayer request is similar to yours. thank you.
RKH says:
Praying for strength for you. Thanks for sharing!
Lori says:
Praying for you and your family. I was at T4A and you
were wonderful. No doubt the enemy attacks when you are pouring so much of yourself out for the kingdom. Take heart, Our God is bigger and victorious over the enemy, depression, and even fatigue. Bless you for all you do!!
Zoë says:
Thank you for your honesty, Shaun. Reading your blog is like coming home, spiritually. I will pray for you and for your beautiful family.
And I’m praying for all the people who have been brave enough to speak up and say what they need on this thread.
Paula McClintock says:
Shaun,
I have been praying through the prayer to the Ephesians in chapter 3 v14-21. I pray that God will, by the power of His Holy Spirit, strengthen you to your innermost being and that your time off with your family will be a real time of refreshment and blessing.
Bridget says:
Prayed for you Shaun. So glad for the brotherhood of believers where it is never a burden to ask for prayer. Prayed in faith, brother.
Teresa P says:
Back in 2001 I had rededicated my life to the Lord. I struggled with depression and was recovering from addiction. I heard “Welcome Home” on the radio quite a bit and it spoke to where I was in my relationship with God. You truly ministered to me through that song and it was a light in a dark time. When I heard you were coming to Waterstone I knew we were in for a night of wonderful worship and it was nothing less than that. And when you sang “Welcome Home” it brought me back to the time when God made my heart His own. I pray we could be an Ebenezer for you. You certainly have been for me. God bless!
Jennifer says:
Thanks for your honesty, Shaun. I know this feeling. A thief of joy. Love on your wife and kids, and thank God for them. My prayers are with all of you.
Denise says:
Yes, my husband and I will pray for you and your family.
Angie says:
We are praying with you and for you, brother. May God’s strength be perfect in this time when yours is zapped. May you continue to be ministered to, just as you are faithfully ministering. May God see you through this trial that He’s allowing, although we will continue to ask Him for your healing. 2 Cor. 12 comes to mind…
keith says:
Shaun, we were at the Waterstone show. In spite of your feeling broken, the Spirit used you mightly. God uses broken things.. I was the one who spoke to you afterwards and thanked your for giving me “gas” for the rest of the week; you seemed emptied afterwards and now it makes sense.. i totally get the depression thing.. You are in lots of company there brother.. you helped my wife and I laugh and cry that night. THANKS – keith
Joshua Tilghman says:
Shaun,
No shame in that. Praying for you!