Shaun Groves
We dropped the kids off with grandparents in Texas, went to my twentieth high school reunion, and then drove back home to Tennessee. In the quiet. Just the two of us.
We spent the week at home together, childless, giving ourselves an hour on-line every day to answer any urgent e-mails or tweet an important request for movie recommendations.
We’ve been together twenty years, married fifteen years this month. And this was the perfect way to celebrate.
We did a bunch of nothing. Together.
We slept in. Drank coffee. Walked an antique mall. Went out for dessert. Saw a couple movies. Ate microwaved meals. Played Scrabble. And talked.
This was hard for me, because my mom accidentaly taught me otherwise. Her “love language” is probably gifts. I grew up bringing tears to my mom’s eyes with tangibles – cards, macaroni necklaces, drawings, letters, jewelry. My sister’s the same way. Thoughtful gifts mean a lot.
Becky’s different. She values time more than any gift bought, made or served – no matter how much thought and time those gifts may cost.
It’s taken me twenty years to learn that the most meaningful expression of love I can give Becky is an empty calendar, an unplugged phone, a closed laptop, my undivided attention.
So I finally planned the perfect anniversary present for Becky. While the kids partied with grandparents in Texas, we spent our annivacation alone in the quiet doing nothing much. Which is really something to Becky.
What’s the ideal gift for you?
Jill Foley says:
Happy Anniversary. Kevin and I celebrated our 16th this weekend. My mom came out here and watched the kids while we went away a couple nights.
Kathy says:
I can’t think of anything better than doing a “bunch of nothing” together with my man –
Happy Anniversary to you and Becky!
Matthew W says:
Bravo to you, Shaun. As a guy who values intentional, quality time above almost anything else, I _get_ what you mean about Becky, and I also understand that you did something HUGE for her this week. That it’s not your natural mode of operating (as you seem to imply from the post) makes it even more welcomed by her, I’m sure.
Kris says:
Happy Anniversary! So happy you all got to share such a blessed time together doing whatever you wanted whenever you wanted, even if that was nothing at all 😉 Sounds heavenly!
mj says:
Becky and I must be related! It is still taking, more years than even you are celebrating (happy wishes to you), for my hubby to begin to understand that his ears and eyes are the only gift I want. He comes from a family of women where jewelry is the love language and I caused a lot of hurt each time I tucked the gift away because all I want is his attention not his adoration via adornments. Marriage takes a lot of attention, true tending, but not much else, thankfully.
Shayne says:
Um…you know that Klondike Bar commercial (at least I think that’s the one) where the guy and his wife are sitting on a sofa and he’s watching a football game? And in order to get the Klondike Bar he has to turn and give his wife his undivided attention for like, 5 seconds? And his face has an expression like it’s the most painful thing he’s ever experienced?
That commercial is so not funny to me.
I’m definitely Team Talk To Me. But a macaroni necklace would be something special too.
Shaun Groves says:
So great meeting you in person this weekend. Now I have a face and voice to put with the wit.
Lisa @stretchmarkmama says:
We just celebrated our 15th too (on the 12th), after being together for 20 years. As my husband likes to say, “married for 15; in love for 20–I make sure to not mix those up.” 😀
We took two days away from the kids to walk through botanical gardens and we went to see a waterfall and ate steak and chocolate ganache pie and simply enjoyed THE QUIET.
Shaun Groves says:
So you’re husband is just as, um, clever as you? That’s a lot of sarcasm under one roof. You’re kids don’t stand a chance.
Lisa @stretchmarkmama says:
We’ve passed the torch on to our boys. And then I’ve got a girl who can’t recognize sarcasm even when it shows up and introduces itself. She’s naturally optimistic and bubbly and my complete opposite in nearly every single way.
Kelli says:
We did that a few years ago and I told lee it was probably my favorite (and cheapest) vacation ever. It’s so nice to be on vacation at home. The familiar makes it all that much more relaxing. It really is the perfect vacation. Well done! Glad you guys had fun. 🙂
jennibell says:
Something about sleeping in your own bed every night, right?
Shaun Groves says:
For me it’s even better because I travel so much already. Staying in a hotel in some other city is not a vacation at all. It feels like I’m at work…but with Becky. I feel like I need to set up a Compassion table and do a soundcheck ; )
So good to be home.
Gwen says:
My ideal gift? Three times every year (birthday, anniversary and Mother’s Day), I ask for the same thing: a clean house that stays clean all day. I’d even settle for a clean kitchen & living room.
So far, no dice. But hope springs eternal.
Kit says:
yeah, I’ve asked for “clean” for gifts before too. My husband finally said, “Well, THAT’s not going to happen! so what else do you want?” Ha ha!
jennibell says:
Ha Gwen, I hear you!!! One year, for my girlfriend’s first Mother’s Day, her in-laws gave her a 1/mo housekeeper for a year. That was 13 years ago and I have never heard of another gift topping that one (if someone must buy a gift with money).
Shaun Groves says:
I left this part out of the post because, well, I didn’t want to make all the other husbands look bad but…
I did clean the bathrooms last week too. Without being asked.
; )
Patricia says:
love the out of the ordinary kind of gifts ~ not stuff, but acts of kindness and tasks, things that mean so much that they sneak in and do….hubby surprises me sometimes and I love it…Happy Anniversary, May you be blessed with many more to come
Kit says:
Well I guess I know what phase of life I’m in when I misread this as you watched “complete movies,” ha ha!
My husband and I celebrate 10 years of marriage at the end of the summer. I like time as a gift also, with actual gifts coming in 2nd. My husband doesn’t quite understand that about me, but thanks for giving me hope that he may figure it out in another decade or so 😉
Last year for our anniversary we went on a road trip together, and this year we are going to see Journey in concert (kind of “our band”). Those are good gifts! Or watching a complete movie, that would be good too 😉
Kit says:
I should’ve said that gifts are a CLOSE 2nd… but because the time/attention idea does rank first, the best physical gifts are thought out and sentimental, more than just a gift. My husband seems to “speak” to me with acts of service instead of either of these, so I am trying to learn to “hear” that instead.
Shaun Groves says:
Are you speaking to him in acts of service since, obviously, that’s what he’s wired for? it goes both ways right? ; )
Kit says:
Well since I’m the wife and do most everything for him already, I thought I was….. but it’s probably something we should re-visit, yes 🙂 I wish he could understand that I talk his ear off because I love him, but it doesn’t work that way. I do need to make some adjustments.
Stan Peters says:
More of us need to become aware of that and just do it, even though for some of us it is a hard thing.
Liz Reeves says:
I’m with Becky. My love language is always quality time!
Sharon O says:
My perfect time, or gift is quiet, at the beach, a glass of wine from a bottle or two and sleeping in, no phone, no lap top no other conversation but us.
We have been married 38 years.
Shaun Groves says:
Any advice for us young’ns on staying happily married?
jennibell says:
“I’d rather do nothing with you then something with anyone else”. . . that was the card I gave my husband one year for our anniversary because he, like Becky, values time. I like my days full, he does not. But you know what? Twice now we’ve sent the kids (4) to camp for 2.5 days and planned mini-trips. . .and both times ended up just being at home, together, living life like it used to be before God blessed us with children. It was nice. We also realized something else in those times. . .we really LIKE one another, enjoy spending time together. . .we know we’re going to be “o.k.” when the kids go off and live their own lives. . .that we’ll still have each other and be happy.
Happy anniversary!!! Glad you had such a good one 🙂 I don’t think our culture celebrates anniversaries enough and I’m on a mission to change that perspective. So what that you have lived to be 40. . .GOD continues to allow your heart to beat. But stay married for 40 years?!? Well, yes, God is responsible for that too but YOU had to work a little harder then you do to breathe — ha!
Shaun Groves says:
Honestly? I can’t spend a week with anyone else but Becky. I get antsy. I get bored. I lose interest. (I’m a terrible person.) But, yea, she’s still captivating, interesting, fun. It helps that she laughs at all my jokes…or pretends to. ; )
Kit says:
and THAT is the gift that every wife wants– for her husband to feel that she is that captivating, interesting and fun. Instead of feeling that way about his smart-phone 😉
Lisa H says:
We’ve been married 13 years and my husband still doesn’t believe me that time alone with him is all I really want for a ‘gift’. This year I took the reigns and planned a little getaway for us to a nearby city….got a nice hotel room, arranged childcare for our kids….when I told my husband about it he promptly invited some friends to meet us for dinner, bought tickets to a baseball game and invited the friends along too. Good thing i love him. 😉 Oh well, there’s always next year!
Kit says:
oh wow! I’m sure you’ll have fun, but I think I would cry a little bit first myself 😉
Lisa says:
I am so much like Becky. That is my love language, too. My hubby’s is physical touch. Our lives are so very chaotic in this season of life – married almost 3 years, horrible court trial involving kids and adults, kids acting out at home in horrible ways, — it has been very hard to find time to be together. Our 3rd anniversary is at the end of August and I really hope that he and I can have some time for nothingness which would really be everythingness to the both of us. Bless you and Becky and congratulations on your anniversary!
Shaun Groves says:
I highly recommend dating your spouse. We haven’t done that consistently this Summer and we feel it. Money’s been tight and so a babysitter has been out of budget, but our eleven year-old is taking a babysitting class soon and so free dates are right around the corner.
Especially this year, with the adoption stresses, dating has preserved our marriage. It’s been the hardest year of our relationship and even an hour alone together outside the house has been refueling. Praying you guys get a break together – lots of them.
Kit says:
you should write a post about that! My husband didn’t grow up seeing married people date so he’s struggled to realize that it’s necessary. And I’m a tightwad, so I don’t really push for it either. Free babysitting…. I’m counting the years until we’re at that point 😉
Lisa says:
Thank you so much, Shaun! I appreciate the ideas and the prayers!! 🙂 Lord knows we need a lot of breaks right now! (And that isn’t a cliche saying, He really does know! How cool is that?)
Jenn says:
Happy anniversary! We recently sent the kids to my sister-in-law’s two hours away for a long weekend. DC is between our relative towns, so we spent the day after we dropped them off seeing all the things in DC we love, strolling along the tidal basin without having to worry about someone falling in… and then we went to care group together! Everyone asked why we weren’t taking off to the beach or something, and we said just what you said. We just want some uninterrupted time together. We want to do things at home that we usually need a sitter for.
Our only regret was that we didn’t kennel the dog for the weekend!
Mandy C says:
SHUT UP – was my first thought. Then I almost slithered my way out of my chair as my entire body seeped envy. Yep, time is my love language too. We have three small kids and my husband learned long ago that I needed time or I would go insane. Every Christmas he does something more spectacular than the Christmas before. One year was a jar of things he knew I loved (baths, reading uninterrupted for 60 minutes, breakfast in bed, date night, etc.) I got to pick one paper a week. Next was every Wednesday night I got to go out by myself with the stipulation that I had to not do anything productive 🙂 The next a girls trip to Florida with my college friends for 5 days in the middle of an Ohio January. The year? He set up a calendar on the computer and every month I have a different outing. Sometimes it’s a weekend to visit a friend that moved, sometimes it’s dinner out with my girlfriends, a weekend away with him, a game of Scrabble with my mom. He’s contacted everyone and arranged babysitting when needed.
Yeah, I know, he’s pretty amazing 🙂