After the concert she introduces herself and piles on the compliments. “You’re so… I love that you…”
And then, sometimes, things get weird: “I wish my husband was more…”
And sometimes they get weirder, like when her husband is standing right there. “He’s just not as…”
This is more than weird. This is pornography.
Pornography is the substitution of reality for a more pleasurable fantasy. (<--click to tweet this quote)
The fantasy is that a better man exists: A man who always puts effort into his appearance, who’s always compassionate, who’s full of pithy anecdotes and inspiring stories, who always listens to her, who’s always funny, who cleans bathrooms and does dishes, who always loves children and his wife and Jesus more than anything else, who always leads his family to follow God.
Her reality is life with a man who leaves wet towels on the floor, who wants sex or television more than conversation, who doesn’t dress up and take her out often enough, who zones out when she’s talking, who loses his patience with the kids, who’s too tired to play with them, who has to be asked to do things that a better husband would do naturally.
The porn star’s job is to be sexy. A concert or a blog or a photograph is me at my best.
But when the porn star goes home? He’s not always his best.
I wear t-shirts, jeans, a baseball cap and no shoes most days. I’m a longwinded story teller who runs low on pith. I want sex more often than my wife does. And somedays I retreat to spend way too much time on my computer and call it “work.” I lose my patience with my children. I’ve yelled at them. I’m gone a lot some months. I’m terrible at car maintenance. I’ve been clinically depressed twice. I sometimes zone out when my wife’s talking. I forget what it was she asked me to grab from the store on my way home. Actually, I forget to go by the store at all. After nineteen years together Becky still reminds me to take out the trash about half the time.
There are long seasons when I worry more than I pray. And I pray less than I read the bible. And I read the bible less than my wife does.
These are things a better husband and father wouldn’t do.
But all of life is not a stage. I’m not that better man in reality. Not always. No one is.
I’m just like the guy you live with. Hard to love sometimes. I hope you don’t love me any less for confessing that. But I hope you love him more.
Tell him you do.
Megan says:
This is powerful. I hope it changes hearts. I think we all are in need of more reality.
Shaun Groves says:
By the looks of my inbox I think it has.
Aaron K. says:
What a challenge to our tendency to compare, not be satisfied with what God has already blessed us with and to see the faults of others rather than our own faults.
Others need us to be gracious and forgiving about as much as we need grace and forgiveness from others, but they probably need it less frequently than we do.
Christine says:
Great post. The funny thing here? You’re so real in this space that I feel like I already knew this stuff about you. You don’t allow anyone to put you on a pedestal.
We have genuine affection for you despite all these flaws. But Becky can keep you. ๐
Shaun Groves says:
Ha! You made Becky laugh. And she never reads comments so that’s saying something.
Kirk says:
Wow what a confession and challenge.
Love you for it!
Jessica says:
Fifty Shades of Shaun.
Jessica says:
And/or:
*Insert joke here that’s a play on words about your “Magic Mike”.
Jessica says:
You’re welcome.
Amy says:
Those were the first 2 things that came to mind.
Shaun Groves says:
I was completely unaware of both of these movies. Bad timing on my part I guess huh?
Jessica says:
Or good? ๐
Amy says:
One is a 3 book series. The other is a movie. They were talked about so much on my newsfeed that I looked up the synopsis. I honestly can’t believe how popular they are.
Like Jessica said, it’s good timing on your part!
Kara F. says:
I needed this to convince myself not to join in with the girls going to see “that movie” tonight. Thank you ๐
Zoรซ says:
Here I am contemplating eternity and holiness and the holy spirit and stuff… happy in my own little reverie… and I read a Shaun Groves blog post with the words ‘porn star’. o_O
Still choking on my cup of tea. God bless you, Shaun and Becky. I think you’re both marvellous.
Btw, it is possible to read between the lines of these blog posts and realise that Becky must have a lot to put up with – I’ve often wanted to express my admiration. It must be hard being the one behind the scenes with four kids, homeschooling, adopting and a husband who disappears every now and then.
Still choking on my tea… I’m off to get a glass of water. God bless you, Becky!
Shaun Groves says:
Sorry to ruin your tea time, Zoe!
And yes, Becky has a lot to put up with. Maybe she should write about that sometime. ; )
Stan Peters says:
You are defintely right. Thanks Shaun. That’s the reality.
Susan says:
Excellent!
Christina Lang says:
Just told my husband how much I love him. Thanks for the reminder Shaun.
Shaun Groves says:
GREAT! He owes me ; )
Amy says:
I just read this to my husband. I said “well, at least YOU remembered to go to the store” lol. ๐
As much as I admire and respect you… I admire and repect my husband more. Even if he went to the store to get me ice and only came home with beer.
As Jessica brought up… Magic Mike and 50 Shades of Grey. It’s horrifying to me that people are settling for porn when reality is so much better.
Shaun Groves says:
I had no idea those movies were out. I don’t even want to know…
And at least your husband remembered the important stuff at the store ; )
Angie says:
So well put-THANK YOU!
Stuart says:
Now that’s a refreshing sermon! ๐
Pastors, take a cue.
Sheep, be encouraged!
jennibell says:
Excellent. Well-said and my marriage thanks you.
Amy says:
Thanks for the reminder! Ann’s book & the Holy Spirit’s work transformed my marriage because instead of grumbling, I began to thank God for the man I married – imperfect as he is. It has helped me realize how blessed I am to be married to him, and that he loves ME – imperfect as I am. ๐
Shaun Groves says:
So good to hear. Ann’s words have impacted my life too. The simple discipline of gratitude is a powerful contentment preserver isn’t it?
Jenn @ I Am Not Superwoman says:
Yes I about chocked when I read the title too. But it is great to read real raw posts. We know you are not perfect, no man or woman is only HE is. You/your family are still amazing at all you do for others. Have a blessed weekend. BTW, what would it take to get you to come over to Portland OR for a concert and Compassion event? My good friend is a local Compassion Advocate and we have been trying to figure this out. Our home church is not big enough but there are plenty of others that are, that we are familiar with and have friends at. Email me?
Chris Ames says:
A brave and worthy post.
Kris says:
God continue to bless you and Becky as you love and serve. What an awesome family God has given you! Keep on keepin on, Shaun. You rock. And man, do I LOVE my husband! ๐
Amber says:
I agree, reality is so much better than crap on a screen. My husband is amazing and so much more of a man then anything I could’ve ever dreamed up. Thank you for this post and reminding me I need to tell him more often.
Emma C. says:
Hi Mr. Shaun! Just wanted to thank you for your honesty. As a “occasionally” starry-eyed twenty year old, who longs for that “perfect” man to enter my life . . . wow. Romance novels, dramas, glossy magazines, chick flicks, are not reality! The reality is what you wrote and admitted to, imperfect humanity. The beauty in imperfect humanity that I have seen and long for, is committed love. No in this life we will never be perfect, but thru God I have seen beautiful relationships full of committed love, between very imperfect people (with all those annoying realities you mentioned). I pray I can be the kind of wife that loves and stands behind her man even when he’s a frustrating hungry grump. And I pray he will still want to hold my hand proudly when I am old and wrinkly. Thank you for listening to God and sharing this lil wake-up call. I think I can always use the reality check.
Emma Alex
Melissa Jones says:
The funny (ironic, not haha) thing I’ve found about people who put you up on a pedestal is that when you confess/explain to them exactly why you don’t belong on that pedestal, they instead raise a higher one to put you on because you are “so authentic/humble/etc…”
I think people who have decided to be ungrateful for what they have will continue to be despite everyone else’s best efforts to explain how good they actually have it (or at least that our lives are just as “bad” as theirs are).
But yes, as someone else has already said, Becky can keep you. I’ll keep my handsome man instead. We need toilets in space too!
Katie Axelson says:
What a beautiful, honest post that puts everything into perspective. Thank you for your transparency!
Katie
Gina says:
Thank you for this ๐ The reminder to make an idol of no one… only Christ can stand as a representation of the perfect man – every other man (and woman) is in desperate need of Him.
Jason Cormier says:
good stuff
Jabber Jaws says:
I get this. My wonderful husband who shows Jesus more than he talks about Jesus (yes, I am the dumb wife who sometimes pines for this to be reversed) asks me at least weekly so what’s your porn? He is so open about that notion that everyone has “porn” it just might be different than some naked parts in motion. I am so grateful for this lesson and it really does help me with my life and his too. His porn isn’t women but he is honest about the “Jones” porn, “work” porn etc.
I can’t wait to show him this post.
brad says:
Articles like these keep me reading. Oh, just for the record, you won’t have to worry about me putting you on a pedestal…I think you’re a dork. :^) OK, not really. I appreciate your candor though. I think the worst struggles I’ve had with this is with old girlfriends or co-workers I hardly know. It’s so easy to create a fantasy about people like that when a) you just don’t know them well enough to know their faults and b) they haven’t been messed up by having to live with you for 20 years. I’m surprised my poor wife hasn’t developed a twitch yet by putting up with me!
Leigh says:
I absolutely adore this post Shaun. Thank you for writing it. I feel this way so many times and I know I shouldn’t as we are all sinful in our own ways. I’m blessed with a wonderful husband who is always trying his best.
Thanks for putting it out there!!
Leigh
Kimberly Higgins-Williams says:
Hi Shaun,
I’m trying to catch up with your post while the kiddo’s are playing out in this stifling Tennessee HEAT. I just wanted to commend you on your honest assessment of yourself. I have to admit I have compared my husband at times. I wish he would get the deck painted. He started months ago and now it sits half finished. I would love to see him ooze with passion for Christ. (he’s the quite reserved type) Last night I was convicted of this very thing. I’m not the greatest wife! My house needs to be cleaned right now and I’m typing this post, I’m not always..okay maybe never submissive. No matter how hard I try….I sometimes nag. So thank you for your transparency. I needed it today!
Kristi says:
I am not sure if there is less love, but for SURE heaps more respect for your honesty and great parallel that comparison IS actually like pornography. In a day of 50 Shades of Grey and the Mike movie, it is relevant and truth that needs to be said.
Thank you ๐
Gisele says:
This is my first time reading your blog and your honesty is breathtaking. Thank you and thank you for this post.
And Becky, God bless your heart. May the Lord continue to strengthen you in everything you do. You guys are blessed!! Sending you both love. Philippians 4:7