Shaun Groves
He saw it coming. He knows the drill by now. Before she could tell him for the hundredth time to finish the green things on his plate, he tilted his head and smiled at her.
“Why I love you so much, Mom?”
“I don’t know,” Becky answered, “why do you love me so much?”
He rolled his eyes upward to search his skull for the answer. Finding it, his eyes focussed again on his mother; his smile gave way to resignation.
“Jesus tell me to.”
To which Becky responded, “Back atcha, buddy.”
To which Sambhaji responded by sulkily stabbing his salad with a fork, then lifting and stuffing the greens into his mouth.
The last ten months have been the hardest for our marriage, for our family.
That’s a hard statement to defend. No one is physically ill. No one is officially mentally ill. The refrigerator and pantry and bank account have never run empty. We have work, clothes, a house and church. Everything we need. But everything’s different and different has been hard.
Adoption has given us love. A new person to be loved by. A new person to love. But sometimes – some weeks, a lot of times – we love only because Jesus tells us to. We tolerate, hold our tongue, going through the motions of love that missing feelings once moved us through effortlessly.
We feel disrespected, detached, unappreciated, frustrated, sad, disjointed, helpless, inadequate, angry, lonely, impatient…and so guilty for feeling any of this at all.
We know there’s a better love, a more profound and generous and beautiful love, but this love is all we have sometimes.
And this is family isn’t it? Commitment that isn’t circumstantial, whose roots wriggle way down to stretch deeper than feeling, relationship with a memory longer than the present moment.
When I can’t find the feelings to fuel it. When circumstances aren’t conducive to it. God, love through me today. Especially at dinner.
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. – Galatians 2:20
Christine says:
I can relate to every word, but not because adoption has rendered us a gospel-living family. Disorder, disease, and American-style poverty–in the midst of abundance everywhere–have done that. Some days, without counting blessings, I don’t know how I’d get through.
There is a profound gift in gospel-living, and that keeps me going too. A gospel-living family needs God every day, many times a day. They need Him to feel joy, to feel success, to feel anything at all that is positive. Life is so sad so often that we cannot do much for ourselves, other than count blessings and internalize the truth that the cross is enough. Really needing God at every turn is a beautiful thing. It is a life worth living!
It’s a privilege to pray for you and we will keep doing so.
Shaun Groves says:
Thank you for your prayers, Christine.
JD says:
Shaun, my heart echoes yours on this, it’s painful, raw, and so real. This beautiful and painful reminder gives me hope that I’m not alone in grasping on to love that is hard, hope that is promised, redemption that will come, Christ who will always be worth this journey… even though it’s brutally hard to hold on to this, all that’s left to hold onto, on the morning after my husband, who eschews the very message you shared and so much more, who does not believe the heart of this message, nor wish to live it, walked away from our marriage of 17 years because love isn’t always easy. and because it can be messy.
Your music, and your words, are ministering to my broken heart this morning.
Is there a thing we can trust in, down here?
Up there…? The One who mourns our fall and hears our cries…. down here.
Christine says:
I am so sorry, JD! I am praying for you.
Dawn says:
Me too. Prayers for comfort, peace, and quick resolve. Also that this pain will not return void. That God will use it for His glory in a way only He can. Love from your sister in Christ… xoxoxo
Amy says:
Please add my prayers, JD. I am so sorry. I wish I had more than words.
Zoë says:
Sometimes in my life it has been in the darkest moments that I have seen how bright the light burns. Sometimes in the midst of pain God has revealed Himself in a new and unexpected way.
These are some things I’ve learned (if they’re not helpful, please ignore) –
One day at a time.
No regrets (this is hard – but it is necessary in the end)
Not too many plans for the future, because the future is not in my hands.
One step at a time – this sometimes means just getting through the next five minutes.
Taking time to allow myself to be human – and to start again the next day without self-reproach. We’re told all the time to forgive others, but we sometimes forget to forgive ourselves. God knows we’re fallen, yet He loves us, so why do I get to beat myself up – unless I think I know more than God?
Taking time to nurture myself, knowing that nurture becomes much harder if I am feeling drained. It’s ok to be human.
Letting myself feel what I feel, knowing that feelings pass.
And something I learned from ‘One Thousand Gifts’ – begin everything with thanks (I have been so surprised by the impact this has had)
Next time I forget and I need to hear this stuff, please could someone remind me lol?
My thoughts and prayers are with all who have shared on this thread today. May the God who calls blessed the poor and the vulnerable give you His peace x
Shaun Groves says:
Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted. Praying for that Comfort to come to you now, JD. And I’ll continue to.
Jill Foley says:
Oh JD….praying for you right now and will continue to do so.
Jessica says:
I was thinking about you just this morning and how very hard and all-encompassing this transition must be for you.
And how I missed your blog posts. : )
kristen howerton says:
Oh, man, I can relate to this post so much. Our first year after adopting an older child was by far the most difficult thing we’ve ever been through. And we’ve been through some crap . . . but adopting a hurt child seemed to shake up every ugly and selfish part in me. There were many days that I had to ask myself, “How would a loving mother behave?”, and just fake it. I acted loving until the loving feelings came. And they did, but it took so much longer than I expected. I was so disappointed in myself, and now looking back I realize that I was doing the best I could. What you are going through is so typical for an older child adoption but it is so isolating when you are in the middle of it. I’m glad you are sharing because I think it’s important that we talk about this reality in adoption, so that parents can give themselves more grace in the bonding process.
Sara says:
Kristen, I have to thank you for your recommendation of your BIL’s book, Glorious Mess. I’m taking my time through it right now soaking it up. It came at a much-needed time, thank you and to him as well. Also, both this post and your comment remind me of Jen Hatmaker’s blog post, After the Airport, talking about the same subject.
Shaun Groves says:
You know, it’s one (great) thing to have the support and Amens of everyone here. it’s another to have the encouragement of a real live therapist and psych professor ; ). Thanks, Kristen. Seriously, your means carry more weight than you may realize. Thank you for taking the time to encourage us this morning. I feel less nuts…or at least like I’m not the only nut.
Jen K says:
“How would a loving mother behave?” is something I’ve had to ask myself a lot lately, and I appreciate your honesty. We are 6 months in, and my guy was only 18 months at placement, but we are still struggling.
MainlineMom aka Sarah says:
Praying for you, your marriage and your family and at the same time bracing myself for what’s in my future as an adoptive parent. (Two years of praying and the Lord softened my husband’s heart. We’re submitting the application this week!)
Shaun Groves says:
Thank you, Sarah. And CONGRATS!
Gwen says:
Ohhhh yeah, I hear you loud and clear. There’s a reason why “Fake it ’til you make it” is a common motto in older-child adoption.
Several months ago you quoted Eugene Peterson: “You can ACT your way into a new way of feeling faster than you can FEEL your way into a new way of acting.” (paraphrase)
It’s tough. I know how you feel. The first year was the hardest, ugliest thing we’ve ever gone through. But God’s called us to it, and he’s sovereign and mighty… definitely strong enough to get us through this and use all the ugly to bring glory to himself. And he’s the perfect model of a father to attachment-disordered children (ie/ us!).
Still praying for you.
Shaun Groves says:
I hate it when you guys quote me to me ; )
Thanks for that.
Jamie {See Jamie blog} says:
How did I never hear other parents of older adoptive kids say “fake it til you make it”? Make my life feel so much more sane. Mostly now we’ve “made it” but this still encourages me. 🙂
Gwen says:
By the way… how’s Mimi? Any sign of her lately?
Shaun Groves says:
Oh, yea. She just finished her breakfast time finale, in fact. Mimi is alive and well.
Sara says:
So good, Shaun. The wanting to and the choosing to, such an intense battle sometimes (a lot of times). Thanks for your transparency. All the rest of us are nodding in agreement.
Shaun Groves says:
Sure would be great to see you and yours again sometime soon…and have some more Irish Montana food.
Lindsay says:
Yes, this is family. Our children aren’t adopted, but there are days (weeks) where we still have to choose to love because Jesus tells us to instead of because we really feel like it at the time. Those days (and weeks) make us all the more thankful for the days and weeks when we do feel like it.
I’ll be praying for you all this week. I’m so thankful God has given you Sambhaji to love…and the other way around, too! 🙂
Amy (One Day Closer) says:
I am with Kristen, and Gwen. We’re 11 yrs in. You have every right to say the last year has been hard.
When you announced your adoption, I sat back in my chair and knew that God would be using this to mold you more like his son. That He would be taking you places you may not have been before. And I started praying.
It’s good to get a glimpse at your journey. I have every confidence that you will do this well.
Our family continues to keep your family in our prayers. ♥
Shaun Groves says:
Thanks for the permission to come unraveled. Means a lot coming from a veteran adoptive mom. Thank you, Amy.
Tracey says:
I have many of these same feelings about extended family members. And I often pray for God’s eyes and heart for them. Because this girl doesn’t often have much love for them.
Jamie {See Jamie blog} says:
Yes. Just, yes. Thanks for putting this in words.
A little over 3 years ago, we adopted a 14 year old. It’s been a blessing – and it’s been hard. I’ve had moments where I am completely at my wits’ end, wondering what the heck I was thinking, why in the world I ever felt like I had what it took to take this on (of course *I* don’t, but I tend to forget that). It’s usually right about then, when I’m feeling rather hopeless, that Jesus steps in & we suddenly have a breakthrough moment when some big things FINALLY click into place, when she begins to “get” that we are not leaving her, we are not going to stop loving her or taking care of her just because she’s done something she shouldn’t have. I wish, selfishly, that this would happen sooner. But I know even when I can’t see fruit of any growth, there are seeds being planted down deep that will eventually grow bigger than I can even imagine.
Anyway, thank you again for a beautiful, well-said post.
Shaun Groves says:
I’m sorry. I didn’t realize somehow that you guys had adopted. Thank you for telling your story, Jamie. Praying for you and yours now.
Kristen says:
Wow…heavy sigh inserted here with the wiping of my own tears. This cut right to the heart of my days with our oldest son now almost twenty, just readying to graduate from high school. He’s been my son since a week from fourteen. Every day is as you say, “We feel disrespected, detached, unappreciated, frustrated, sad, disjointed, helpless, inadequate, angry, lonely, impatient…and so guilty for feeling any of this at all.”
I would like to say it’s looking up but it seems each new season for him brings emotional turmoil. I think the emotion that is the most painful is the feeling of detachement. First it came masked in language barrier & cultural differences. Then after almost six years his arms length loving should look different right?
Then I realize it’s the issue of my heart what God is most concerned with as I look in the mirror. This raw conditional loving that I didn’t know I lived. The way I love well when my love is reciprocated & and feel frustrated & disconnected when I am not.
I’m learning too that there is such a difference in my emotion fed expectations & than from holding my standard next to the Christ’s standard. Oh how loving my neighbor is so easy when I walk across the street with a casserole and so much more difficult when my neighbor is this ransomed child that screams sharp word & hurls requests for a different life than on with me.
My heart is thankful today that I see that I am not the only Momma Not the only one who has loved & been torn in my feelings toward a child who I would die for that Christ birthed from the other side of the world into the depths of my heart.
I see then a glimpse of how my Love must feel when I keep Him at arms length when I just can’t bear to let Him step in and rescue me from myself at times.
Shaun Groves says:
Becky and I had a long talk last night about expectations. Thanks for thoughts on that. We realized we have different sets of expectations from each other – and that causes friction between us. And we realized that both of us have unrealistic expectations too. Lot sof expectations in the trash this morning. It’s a new day – a lighter one…I hope.
Shelly says:
Yes! This is family! We have had our God gift little girl two weeks shy of a year. She came to us completely unexpected at just six weeks old. She never left. I have prayed often for Jesus love. The struggle with the birth mom’s family. The birth mother and her addictions. Then add my chronic health problems, my daughter’s aspergers. This year could have gone wrong, very wrong. Instead, what an amazing gift it has been. Through it all my marriage grew stronger, our family closer, and we learned to place God in the center of everything! Even though I questioned Him, God knew exactly what He was doing. The journey has not ended with our little one, but I know whatever happens, it will be so much better than I could ever imagine!
Praying blessings for you and your family!
rebecca says:
Five years ago, we adopted our daughter (from China) when she was almost 4. Struggled through language, culture and discipline issues. It has been a long, difficult road. But ‘fake it til you make it’ really does work…eventually. For me, the guilt that I didn’t love her as much as I loved our bio kids was the most difficult.
Guard your marriage well; it’s so easy to get lost in the swamp of parenting that you lose each other. The kids will grow and be gone, the marriage endures.
Shaun Groves says:
Wise words, Rebecca. Thankfully, we’ve been dating for 15 years and still are. I really don’t think we’d be together today if we weren’t setting aside that time every week to just be together. (My wife’s love language is time.)
Grace Cho says:
I was just sharing about the reality of adoption to someone yesterday, and even though my human heart wants to run away from what we feel like God has called us to, I know that there is a greater joy, a greater Love, a greater Father who has loved us unconditionally. So we press on… even though people think we’re crazy to foster/adopt while pregnant… even though the reality of it doesn’t sound appealing… I’m holding on to the truth that He will never leave us nor forsake us.
Moushette says:
Yes it can be so hard when the better love takes some time to settle in definitively.
Unfortunately this situation happens so often to adoptive parents, and most of the desperate parents have difficulties in admitting it and sharing their suffering. So many parents have shared them with me, but years after the ordeal of their difficult moments. So I find you very brave and positive to admit and talk about it ! I hope that sharing these feelings will help you feel less lonely, guilty and will help you out towards the right path.
I am convinced that their is always a path that leads to the better love, but some are longer than the others, so they just take more time, efforts and often suffering.
I wish you all the best … and hope that Sambhaji grows a sudden passion for green vegetables !!
PS : the photographs illustrate really well this post !
Shaun Groves says:
Thank you for this, Moushette. And for the pictures of Sambhaji in India. So helpful for him and for us to be able to experience even the littlest bits of his life before us.
Moushette says:
“De rien” as we say here, pleasure is mine, I am happy if I can help. Don’t hesitate if you need anything else, these things can make such a difference as the kids grow up.
Regarding to comments of readers, attachment and and adjustment takes time, especially for our little ones. It is only fair to give them time and space to adjust, they have been through so much. And so for us adoptive families, the trip to our children can be so crazy so once we are there it can be tough too !
Stacie says:
like everyone else who has adopted, these words run true…my favorite part is that your little guy gets it and feels safe enough to say it..
and you are brave enough to post the reality of it all….thank you!! Hard year, hard learning curve, but great rewards…we will never be the same, ever and sometimes we are all okay with that over here.
Praying for your family~
Suzin says:
Oh my, thanks for your honesty…that raw emotion-love, guilt, grace all wrapped up in one…
I work with adopted children and families and everything you said-word for word almost-they are feeling it. You are not alone and it gets easier, some days, and committed to the commitment-yeah, sometimes that is all that is getting you through….
Praying for your family
Shaun Groves says:
The greatest gift you all have given me today is the reassurance that we’re not the only ones. Thanks for that, Suzin.
Jen Summers says:
Wow Shaun, you say it just perfectly. Sometimes in the first few years, it feels like you are in a deep dark pit and even though you KNOW there is light at the end of the tunnel, you KNOW there is Hope in Christ, you KNOW He is doing His redeeming work in them and in you. . . it FEELS like you just might die. And, in a very real way, you are – dying, that is – dying to self, choosing sacrifice even though you don’t want it. Just like Jesus prayed for his father to take the cup from him but submitted to it anyways for our good and for His glory, we choose to sacrifice by loving our very unlovable (most times) and hurt children who continue to reject, push away, and sabotage. . . BUT, We rejoice in our suffering as we share in HIS suffering. We know that suffering is for a little while but that it eventually leads to Hope! Oh, it is so hard – ESPECIALLY at about 9-10 months in! This was one of our darkest times during both of our adoptions of older child sibling groups. Take heart, my friend in Christ. We have watched our GREAT God take 9 kids from hard places with major attachment issues and REDEEM them in every way! Oh, and the process also involved a whole lot of refining fire in our own lives! (not pleasant! LOL!) He will be faithful. Continue fighting the good fight. Do not lose heart or hope. My husband and I would LOVE to encourage you and your wife via email anytime! We are praying for you. Jeff and Jen
Jamie {See Jamie blog} says:
What an awesome story of redemption, Jen! We’ve only adopted one older child, but your words ring true for me, too. May God deeply bless you & your husband for your obedience, and your entire family as you continue fighting that good fight.
[email protected] says:
For your honesty and vulnerability in this….thanks.
You can be a champion for adoption and still speak the truth of it being hard and not the storybook dream so many paint it to be.
I appreciate you and your family allowing Father to love through you. It’s tough….but Rock On!
Shannon says:
“You can be a champion for adoption and still speak the truth of it being hard and not the storybook dream so many paint it to be.”
YES! We do adoptive families a huge disservice when we don’t speak honestly about the hard parts. Christianity itself is not meant to be an easy path. Thanks for saying this.
Mitch says:
What a beautiful post Shaun. Your statements about family resonate with me, and I think they’ll give me a new language to use with my young boys as they learn how to be brothers.
That they just can’t take their toys and stop being brothers.
That there’s something deeper there.
Thanks man.
Shannon says:
Oh, yes-this is family. We brought our younger daughter home from Ethiopia last summer. These past 10 months have been exhausting in every possible way. I have felt such guilt and shame over my lack of warm fuzzy feelings for this child. But God has been faithful to show us glimpses of what is being rooted and shaped in our family.
“We feel disrespected, detached, unappreciated, frustrated, sad, disjointed, helpless, inadequate, angry, lonely, impatient…and so guilty for feeling any of this at all.”
YES to all of this-you are certainly not alone in these emotions. Hold tight to Truth when you hear the lies that seek to shame you.
megan says:
boy did I need this…the Lord has spoken to me in many ways today, and your blog is no exception. I had a Mommy night, last night, that I (and the kids) would love to forget…but today, I see, there IS strength to love when the feelings have been replaced with exhaustion and frustration…God’s unending supply! THANK YOU and I am thanking God for your timely words (this was my first visit to your blog, so it was totally the Lord meeting me where I’m at :))!
Kimberly Williams says:
Shaun,
It’s so great to see you again!!! I found your blog through another blog. You and I were in Ecuador together in 2002 on a mission trip with Way FM. Our family brought our son home from Korea in October 2011. He has been such a blessing to our family. I do know how hard adoption is. It is against our nature and isn’t the way God had planned in the beginning, but I’m so glad He made a way to redeem us through adoption. We have just started the process to adopt from Haiti.It’s great seeing you and seeing how God is using your family. Many Blessings!!!
Evelyn says:
My husband and I have 7 adopted children. All but one were 3 and above when we got them. Our oldest son put us through hell beyond imagination. He told me later that telling him I loved him soon after we took him into our home was a big mistake. Everyone who had ever told him that gave him up, so he just knew we were going to as well. So acting out became a way of him trying to make us give him up so that he wouldn’t have to deal with attachement. It took 10 years after he left home and the death of our youngest daughter to finally turn him around to becoming a positive contributor to society rather than a negative one.
Unfortunately, we could no longer take the verbal abuse, the lies, the control and have had to step out of his life for now. I have had two nervous breakdowns because of him. He is part of a sibling group that never lived together until we adopted him, his sister, and his brother. The two boys have basically disowned us and our daughter has become a wonderful and loving daughter. Did we make mistakes? You bet. But our heart was always Jesus and teaching Him to them. I believe God’s word does not return void, and although I may never see the changes in my lifetime, I believe God is working in them.
The last group of children we adopted (4) have been a blessing to us in our old age. Although our youngest died two days after the adoption was final of cancer, and our young son has autism, the love and giving we receive from these children are such a blessing.
I truly believe that if God has called you to adopt that He will give you the strength to endure, but if you are doing it because it seems to be the latest thing to do, then it will be more than you can bear.
Just remember, it may be Friday, but Sunday has already come!!!!
Stacy says:
Over from Ann’s this morning, and I read your post, nodding and knowing.
Later today I sat down to do my Bible study, on 1 Peter- and read this verse: “Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.” (NASB)
I just finished looking up the word fervent, and here is what I learned:
Fervent (1618) (ektenes from ek = out + teíno = stretch; English = tension, etc) is literally the picture of one who is stretched out. It pictures “an intense strain” and unceasing activity which normally involving a degree of intensity and/or perseverance. Ektenes was used to describe a horse whose legs are fully extended while galloping. Ektenes was used as a medical term describing the stretching of a muscle to its limits and in Grecian athletics described a runner with the taut muscles moving at maximum output, straining and stretching to the limit in order to win the race! It pictures one “stretching out” to love others. [excerpt from this site: http://preceptaustin.org/1_peter_47-13.htm%5D
I know this well, this being stretched out, this intensity. I can read it here in your words, too. I also know that God is faithful; in Him alone there is hope for these children that come to us so broken. He is able to heal them.
My best advice to you (from one adoptive parent to another) is to be in the Word constantly and to pray constantly. Skip the books, the well-meaning tips and “this is what worked for us”. Just cling to the truth of God’s Word and pray for your son, with your son, and for yourselves as you parent your son.
Blessings to you and yours,
~Stacy
and sorry for such a lengthy comment! I hope it might encourage you.
Cheryl says:
So glad I stumbled upon this post. We adopted a 7 year old boy from Ukraine 1 1/2 years ago and I can totally relate to how you feel. I thought there was something really wrong with me. I hear so many other people say how they love their adopted children as much as their biological children. We have two older biological children and right now I don’t feel the same. And I beat my self up constantly. I am trying to learn to give myself permission to feel as I do and yes, “Jesus, please love this child through me right now.”
Stephanie says:
My sister-in-law directed me to this post and I am so thankful for her! We are in the midst of the adoption process. It seems that in this process our hopes and expectations can be so high, so lofty, but it is a good reminder to know that all is not ‘rose-colored’, and that along with the beauty and the joy comes pain and frustration. Thank you for your honest words. I will store them away for future reference. Blessings to you and your family!
Dana Newman says:
Shaun, finding your blog couldn’t have come at a better time. I needed to hear that some times you love just because Jesus commands it of us.How simple is that ? What a relief and a joy to just get lost in that thought ! While we do have one child in our family that makes it difficult to get through some days , we have 8 other’s that take up the slack ! Adoption is tough and at times not for the “faint of heart”, we have been so blessed by our 10 adoptions ! Hang in there…we will all root for ya !
Jane Anne says:
Thank you, Shaun. My husband and I have not adopted, but I just wanted to tell you that we had one quite normal, beautiful child, and after a miscarriage, one quite difficult, beautiful child. I don’t know if it is easier or harder to accept the one that is “wearing your genes.” There was never a time that I didn’t love her, but there were way too many times that I regretted her. There were so many times that we couldn’t believe that this was our child. I, for whom music is my life, could not sing, could not hum, could not whistle any tune without her screaming, rolling on the floor in a temper-tantrum. I could not whisper to her to be quiet in church, for she would respond with a louder rather than quieter voice, and it would grow ever louder until I picked her up and carried her out. I could not bring up any issue, behavioral or otherwise, with her before we needed to go somewhere where because the ensuing conversation would pre-empt her continuing to get dressed or combed or otherwise ready to leave. Any discussion or argument that would be normally ended in 15 minutes or less would not get dropped for the next two hours. My husband and I have really had a struggle raising this child, not to blame each other…”Well, if you wouldn’t have brought this up now, it wouldn’t have started all this.” and I realized that the rest of the family has tiptoed around her and allowed her to affect our family life to a very large extent, but what are we to do? She is part of our family and we have no choice but to deal with it; to love her, to accept her the way she is and to look for the good in her, to look for ways to praise and compliment her, ways that her gifts can be used. Just now, (she turned 12 last week) she is with her Daddy at a play practice. I pray that this chance to be Dill in “To Kill a Mockingbird” will be another step in the maturing process, a way for her to shine, and a way for us to be proud of her. And I am proud of all of us, that we’ve survived 12 difficult years and that we can have hope for the remaining teen years ahead. I remember dreading the day when she would get too large for me to be able to pick her up and physically remove her from a situation, because I had no faith that she would ever be obedient on her own. I am gaining some faith now that God will keep softening her heart and that she will grow up to be a servant of the living God. Life is not easy for us, and the two girls go head-to-head often. Another issue which is not mentioned, but is true for us, as well as some other parents of difficult children, adopted or born into families, is being judged by others at church or friends from the community or family members. I am trying to encourage a young woman for whom this was the most devastating part of a difficult adoption-being dropped by friends/and family who don’t have time for them anymore. My brother is trying to adopt a teenager with attachment issues…I pray for all struggling parents!
Sassiekiwi says:
Hi Shaun
As an adopted child who put my family through a lot of emotional crud, can I say … hang in there. I am who I am today because of the love, discipline, love, patience, love, correction, love … of my family and of Jesus. I look back and am sad for the child I was and what I projected onto my family, the anger and rejection I carried for so long – not because of my family … the reason I am free of all that is because they continued to love me and parent me through all the hard times. They were Jesus with skin on … I have a healthy appreciation of God’s love for me because I know what it is to be loved by my family.
Love Never Gives Up.
Peace to you and yours
shayne says:
I didn’t adopt a child, but I did take in a boy who had been in the foster care system. When he turned 18 his foster parents turned him out even though he was only in the first month of his senior year of high school.
He went to live with a friend for a few months and then in January of last year we learned he had been turned out of there as well and was sleeping in a shed in someone’s back yard. We took him in for about 6 months so that he could finish school. It was a real step of faith for us.
We got kicked squarely in the face for it. I won’t go into all the details, but he is now married to my 19-year old daughter and I’m a grandmother.
So.
We went into the whole deal eyes wide-open. We knew the risks and accepted them. That doesn’t mean that we weren’t hurt from the events that transpired.
I guess he liked our family enough to be legally bound to us for life. I dunno. Is that a compliment or a curse?
We shall see.
Oh, I kid.
Sort of.
Andrea says:
“No one is officially mentally ill”….I absolutely laughed out loud! In the midst of the laughter however, every word of this post resonated deep. A kindred spirit living out covenant in a world that laughs at the concept. Not because we’re so wonderful but only by His grace… Thank you for being authentic!
K says:
We adopted two boys (ages 4 & 5) last year. There have been some challenging times and there still are. It comes in waves. Adoptions is a beautiful, complicated, hard thing.
I love this episode of This American Life: Unconditional Love
RW says:
Wow.
Just, thank you.
desiree says:
Thank you Shaun and EVERYONE who commented. I am a bawl of tears as it has been two weeks since we came back with our 5 year old from Ethiopia and I feel defeated. As everyone celebrated Easter we missed out and I feel as if we are living in the land of Black Friday where we’re getting mocked, bit, and spit on each day……I know our Easter is coming, I know our better love is coming. Sometimes, in the midst of ugly, it is just hard to see. Thank you Everyone for your encouragement, I know God got it right and I just need to press on.
Elizabeth says:
“We love only because Jesus tells us to.”
Yep. Been there. Sometimes we’re still there. Nothing has changed my view of my relationship to God as adopting a traumatized child has. I would hold my screaming, raging son and try to dig up some sort of positive feelings toward him, while at the same time, I realized that God has adopted me and there are often times that I rage and scream at Him. I can only love my son very imperfectly, but it has given me a new insight into how much my God loves me.
And it does get better. It might take years rather than months to feel as though if something were to happen to this child your heart would be ripped out. But it does happen.