Shaun Groves
I take one step out of the stairway and onto the living room floor and “Please play with me?” The boy shaped puzzle is forcing a pleasant smile, his desperate sales pitch to everyone he meets in the world – the cashier, children at the park, the FedEx man, dad – his lovable un-leavable best.
“Please play with me?”
I hurry across the room explaining for the dozenth time today that I’m still working.
I’m petitioned between phone calls, breaking to brew tea, rushing to the restroom. “Please play with me?”
We hoped Christmas and two sets of over-zealous grandparents would finally give him the tools he needed to self-entertain. My mother stuck to the only-three-present rule by consolidating a dozen into three boxes. “It’s three presents,” she insists, like a Clinton defense attorney playing by the letter of the definition and not the spirit of it.
Nonnie managed to fit every Spiderman toy ever created into Sambhaji’s three “presents.” Motorcycles, action figures, a remote controlled car and helicopter. A van load full of amusement possibilities driven from Texas to the living room floor and…
“Please play with me?
For the longest time I thought he wanted me. And he does to an extent. But it’s not so much a person he’s after with his pleads. It’s a plan I think.
He doesn’t know how to play. Paper and colors, PlayDough, balls, books, puzzles. Without instructions, a playmate to take the lead, he’s overwhelmed by the infinite possibilities of the moment, stumped and searching for a guide to mimic.
He looks at times as if he’s been dropped onto an alien planet designed for creatures with appendages and senses he does not possess.
There is progress being made. Today, Sambhaji played with a car for five whole minutes by himself while Becky and I had a real live adult conversation. He whooshed the little metal coupe across the couch, screeching around turns and crashing into cushions. Until I complimented him on the great sounds he was making with his mouth, and then…”Please play with me?”
This kid, like all kids, is a gift. A “present” packed with presents. But, like the rest of us, there’s some stuff missing too — lost in an institution, perhaps, where he was given food,clothing, shelter, and lots of love but little alone time. Few opportunities to learn self-guidance.
We’re doing great. We really are. Better than anyone in-the-know expected. Thanks for asking again and again. But there’s room for improvement – patience, for starters. So if your prayer list is short this week…Please pray with me?
Christine says:
I will pray! I feel for you, but understand fully your point that he is also a wonderful blessing.
I have a son with ADHD who sounds a lot like this. He is 10 now and there is improvement, but I still get followed around a lot. They have an insatiable desire for adult attention. Too many things around–toys, decisions, clutter, decorations–overwhelms them very easily. I have learned to control the environment and the schedule as much as I can, to prevent over-stimulation.
Your son’s issues may not have the same root cause, but I can certainly understand the constant pursuit and the overwhelming feeling that they are a bottomless pit of need, and how in the world can I come up for a breath, already?
I will pray faithfully! Thank you for sharing the need and the blessing.
Shaun Groves says:
Thank you Christine. I empathize more than ever with moms and dads dealing with your sons issues as well. Thanks for sharing your circumstances. Praying for you too.
Gwen says:
I totally hear you here. We’re nearly 1 year in to our adoption of two older kids from Ethiopia. Our son (who’s 8 on paper, probably about 10) had no idea what to do with toys, playground, soccer balls, etc. He literally could not play. Accustomed to a life of hard work and survival, he couldn’t understand our strange expectations of him. Even when we would get down on the floor and try to play with him, he would just sit and watch, unsure why we were wasting time that could have been spent working.
One day, after about 6 or 7 months in Canada, he picked up a Hot Wheels truck. He tentatively pushed it along the arm of the couch… he looked at the wheels moving… he started smiling.
Annnnnd he was off. Now, at 11 months home, he’s a play-a-holic, both alone and with others. He just can’t stop playing. He sneaks toys into his bed at night. He runs, he jumps, he opens his mouth and wails like a siren. He builds Lego.
Our institutionalized kids have learned a whole lot about survival, work, loss and grief, but not much about being kids. But it sounds like your son is attaching beautifully — and the desire to play is HUGELY important. Hang in there… it will come. And I’ll be praying with you!
Shaun Groves says:
Hugely encouraging, Gwen. Thank you!
Michelle ~ Blogging from the Boonies says:
It has been a while since I stopped by the blog, but having a little time after dinner tonight, I felt pulled to see what was going on in the Schlogoshpere.
(Coincidentally it was after our Luna insisted that we play Third World Symphony!)
I will pray for you guys!
Kelli says:
I, too, join with those praying. 🙂
mary morrison says:
My son was 6 years old when he joined our family. Ours was a domestic adoption. Emondre had been in multiple foster homes. When our son arrived he didn’t know how to use a swing. He was unable to navigate his body and the swing at the same time. I had never thought that I would have to teach a child of his age how to engage in such simple play related tasks that other children learned as toddlers and took for granted. Some of my husband’s best memories are teaching Emondre to ride a bike with training wheels. He is now 15 and can do a 180 on a BMX bike.
cshell says:
I work for UPS, so to the Fedex comment…I find it offensive :0)
We brought home our little girl from China when she was 14 months old…she is 3 now, still will not play, almost non-existant.
I showed this post to my wife…we totally relate to this post.
Off to play…
Lindsay says:
Praying for you all!
Amy says:
My step daughter didn’t know ow to play when she came to live with me. It took years, but she did it and at 18 still does it! Yes, I know you can’t believe I have an 18 year old. he will get it.
Praying with you!
Marian says:
Oh Gosh, Shaun…my heart breaks re-living this with your family. We went through the same thing with Sage. Maybe I’ve already shared, but one day the mail woman dropped a package off at the front door –she was there for 30 seconds and my daughter had a three hour melt down because she wanted to go with her.
She still follows me around like a lost child. She’s under my backside when I’m trying to diligently kickbox in our living room. She’s beneath my elbow when I’m cooking. She’s on my lap if I’m at the computer. She follows the boys through the woods unsure of what to do in that evergreen wonderland all by herself.
But she’s learning to be independent. And I know this because after almost 2 years, she finally knows half her colors and she is learning to identify ABC’s. We got her a dollhouse for Christmas and she can imagine for short bursts at a time.
It’s a miracle to watch. Utter humility for me to know she grows and is loved even in my exhaustion. 🙂
Lisa Smith @stretchmarkmama says:
This is almost my story exactly…. it took two years for my daughter to learn the most basic of colors; these were the same two years she screamed every time I left the room. And ever since she could walk, she’s been following me around–going on four years at having my own talkative shadow–12 hours a day, 7 days a week… I totally understand the exhaustion factor. There’s an underlying anxiety thing going on with her (understandable) which makes ordinary childhood events (like learning and playing) a challenge. I used to think I knew it all about parenting…. ha ha, ooooh the humility.
Ken Summerlin says:
Count me in on the prayer partnership, not only for you but for all the others that have shared their experience here.
Stacie says:
Our little one was the same way after we adopted him and really hard on daddy. He needed him more than me to sit and play and instruct some days. He will get there and what you are sowing now will reap HUGE rewards. He is one very brave boy. Praying….
Kit says:
I haven’t experienced adoption, but I do understand to a lesser degree that this ability to play and self-entertain is sometimes hard for kids (for whatever variety of reasons). My first 2 kids are exceptionally good at it, but our third child…. well it took some time and learning. There are a lot of encouraging stories shared here, I hope it helps your family to know that you’re not alone and that it will be ok 🙂 (And it helps that he’s SO adorable, right? 😉 )
Shaun Groves says:
The adorableness does help but after the zillionth question of the day, I honestly have a hard time seeing it. These stories help more. Such power in knowing we’re not the only ones.
Cathy says:
I can totally relate. I’m a foster parent and I have a little girl with very similar issues. She’s been in my home nearly two years and she has come a LONG way, but most of the progress has come in the last 6 months. And we still have a long way to go. I pray for her daily in that area, so when I do that, I’ll pray for you and your family too!
Brady McCain says:
I have a 6 year old that doesn’t self-entertain the way I think he should. I always thought… that’s just the way he is. Since I work from home, I’m always getting the proverbial “tug on the pants leg” and usually have to say “Later” or “Not right now”… even though I really would prefer to play.
Me and him are opposites in that I could always entertain myself with something. It’s a part of him that I don’t “get”. And a part of him that I need to work on learning more about. I never thought that he might need someone to show him how to play or entertain himself. Thanks for opening my eyes.
I think we’ll break out the Nerf guns and mini-monster trucks when he gets home.
And by the way, we tried the whole “3 gifts from the grandparents” thing and it didn’t work out for us either.
Michael Patterson says:
Our issues have been different with Daniela. She has a masters degree in play. Ours has been an issue of bonding. Since her first years were in a place where volunteers came and went, and every child craved for one on one attention. Each time someone new would come every child would try to win their attention. Consequently, Daniela tries (successfully) to endear herself to everyone she meets. We felt as though we could hand her off to the checker at Safeway and she’d be perfectly happy. Now after 2 years, we are starting to see a difference. She no longer feels a need to shun her family when someone new is around. I have had to just keep reminding myself that Daniela has lost more in her first 2 years of life than I had in my first 48. You’re doing great for this little guy and I can’t imagine a better family for him (both immediate & extended)!
C.S. says:
if his pleas were after a person, my guess is he knows instinctively that the most valuable thing a person can give is his time, and that somehow spending that time with him imbues the activity with meaning.. but of course, “guess” and “were” being the operative words here 🙂
Kris says:
Praying for and with you, Shaun. I can only imagine how trying it is at times, and the adjustments being made…. God is infinitely good and He will be your strength and give you the wisdom and compassion to get through each day. God bless your family.
Jennifer says:
Good morning, Shaun. I know this is incredibly random, but I woke up this morning with your “I want Sambahji to love” song in my head! So crazy since I haven’t read that post since you wrote it, but since I can’t get it out of my head now, I took it as a clear sign to pray so that’s what I have been doing this morning – praying for your family. I hope today is a peaceful, great day with lots of rest.
Jason says:
Praying for you and with you. May the Lord continue to bless your efforts. They are inspiring.
Sandy says:
We live in China and foster a little boy with Down Syndrome. He came to us at nine months, almost dead and we have now had him for a year and four months. I am not sure if if is orphange deprivation, his special need, the style of care he gets from his Chinese ayi when I am at work, his age, his ????? but he wants us all the time. All the time. We adore him but five minutes of playing by himself would be wonderful. I feel badly that I feel this way but it makes for long days when I am tired or need to get things done.
Tara G. says:
You guys are more generous than we- we limit grandparents to one gift! And we had to go over the rules again, too, when one box was packed with many presents’ worth of toys! 🙂