Shaun Groves
“What do you think of birth parents?” Kim asked.
“What do you mean?”
“Interpret the question any way you want,” she said.
This was just one of dozens of questions Kim, our case worker, asked me during the interview portion of the adoption process. Just before the swimsuit competition but just after the evening gown segment.
Like a pageant contestant’s plea for world peace, I felt like any answer I gave – outside of the truth caught in my throat – would be cheesy and naive. But could I speak the truth?
I swallowed. Turned in my seat. Long pause. And then, staring at the ground, I told the truth.
“I’ll always be second best…at best. And that makes me very sad.”
Sad for birth parents who couldn’t afford to feed their child, take them to a doctor, send them to school.
How brave. How sacrificial to let go of your flesh and blood so that she may have life. No greater love.
But how sickeningly sad that any parent faces this choice.
As many of you know, I’m an advocate for Compassion International, an organization that seeks to meet the physical and spiritual needs of impoverished children in 26 of the world’s poorest countries. I sing and speak and blog on their behalf. More than 20,000 children have been “sponsored” because of generous people like you who have read my posts, come to concerts, or listened from a church pew some Sunday morning, and then signed up to sponsor a child.
My family’s adoption adventure has changed my perspective on what it is Compassion and you and I are doing together. This isn’t just “holistic child development.” This is orphan prevention.
Lightening the financial burden a family feels by paying a child’s school fees. Educating a child so that she may be better employed than her parents, so that her own children will not live in extreme poverty. Providing proper nutrition for children so that they do not develop costly medical conditions. How many children have been able to stay with biological parents because of child sponsorship? This is giving children the best we can.
The best for a child is to be raised by a loving mom and dad. In their culture. Their language. Their family.
I am second best…at best.
JessicaB says:
You are first best in my book.
So there.
MainlineMom aka Sarah says:
Amen amen amen. That’s why as much as I want to adopt, I will always support Compassion and orphan prevention.
Brad says:
Orphan prevention…wow. I’m just letting that sink in. If pure religion is caring for widows and orphans, how much better to prevent those situations. Shaun, thanks for thinking out loud.
Jill Foley says:
I love how you call it orphan prevention….I’ve had the same thoughts, but could never verbalize them so clearly – so concisely.
Thanks for giving sponsorship (and advocacy) new meaning.
I’m sure you are a bit busy these days, but I would encourage you to write more on this thought for the Compassion blog. I’m sure all sponsors would be encouraged to know their important role in all this.
Christine says:
Such insight. I praise God for this post. He speaks. You listen and obey. Thank you.
Karen F. says:
Great perspective.
The Fall means the entire world we live in is second best, at best.
I’m thankful for adoption, for the opportunity to create families where our fallen world has torn them apart.
I’m thankful for Compassion, for the opportunity to keep families in this fallen world together!
Thanks for your thoughts!
Marla Taviano says:
I didn’t read your comment before I posted mine, but we said almost the exact same thing in different words. 🙂
Megan @ Faith Like Mustard says:
Orphan prevention…perfect. I like the way you think, Shaun Groves.
Bobbie says:
I love how you said it’s orphan prevention. so true. I’m also loving seeing the blue compassion money drop boxes set up at our VBS each morning, teaching the kids to give to other kids.
Amanda says:
Orphan prevention…yes, amen. Praying for your family every time you guys come to mind.
Karen says:
Love this…and I LOVE being involved in orphan prevention! My hubby and I dream of going to Burkina Faso to meet one of our ‘kids’. So, in light of this are you still going to be in Madison on the 19th? 🙂
Katie Dunlap says:
Well said, and as a new member of Compassion’s Advocate Network and the mom of a four-year-old little boy adopted from Ethiopia (with a living birth mother), I couldn’t agree more. I walk a line everyday it seems between loving our son deeply & being so grateful for his presence in our family AND truly desiring orphan prevention & family preservation. Thanks for sharing your thoughts & advocating for children. I’m proud & excited to be partnering with Compassion in this new way!
Julie B says:
Orphan prevention. That is the best description I have EVER heard. The best solution for every single person involved. I want to scream that from the mountaintops.
Beth says:
Orphan Prevention…absolutely perfect description of what Compassion sponsorship does!
Our three sponsored children’s birthdays are July, August and September (so are three of our four kids) so I’ve recently written to each of them again; specifically for their birthdays. I also have to get more page protectors for all the letters and photos we save of them. They’re all great letter writers!
I love how each of them think of us as their “far away family” just as we think of them!
As your family continues on the journey of adoption, please keep in mind that although you may be “second best at best,” you all the THE BEST for your adopted children! God has blessed all of you with each other and His plan is always best.
Beth
Marla Taviano says:
Anything we do in this world is going to be second best. Best would have been the original, perfect relationships (God/us, us/others, us/creation) God intended.
Following the Spirit’s lead will ensure we do the first-best second best in any given situation.
Thank you to you and your family for all you do to keep families together–and to make new families when that’s what needs to be done.
Praying for you guys.
Kelly Stamps says:
Perfect!
Jenn says:
I love your perspective on this. I will be stealing “orphan prevention” for Compassion posts.
As to your new situation and the possibility of limited traveling, is there anything we can do to help carry the Compassion load?
Kelly @ Love Well says:
That’s possibly my favorite thing about Compassion. I love adoption. It has God’s redemptive handprint all over it. But to prevent the need for adoption? That is Eden.
Praying for you and your family, Shaun. I’m just getting caught up now about the recent news. Congratulations! And does the name Karyn Purvis mean anything to you?
Zoë says:
Amen, Shaun. Thank you. Will continue praying for you and your family. Sometimes yours seems like the voice calling in the wilderness; your words are not forceful but are so powerful.
Meh. Can’t say what I mean without it sounding silly. But thank you. You help me to have hope. God bless all of you.
ellen read says:
Love it! My husband calls it Plan B.
Staci Thomas says:
There’s a ton of truth in this post. There really is. I appreciate your humility. It is extremely refreshing.
But. Could I interject a gentle reminder? It’s a fallen world. And the ideal isn’t always possible.
And so, I’m not raising my four children – adopted from four different countries – as if they are in the “second best” situation. We focus on culture and language of their four countries A LOT. But this is where God’s put them and, really, is God’s plan “second best”? I think not.
JD says:
Great point, Staci.
xinme says:
I didn’t read your comment before I wrote mine, Staci — but I agree 🙂
Judy says:
When we brought our then 16 month old adopted daughter home from China almost 8 years ago, I felt the same way – second best. I knew we were following God’s leading but I grieved for her birth parents. And wondered what I would tell her about them when she began to ask. God reminded me that He brings life in two ways – creation and redemption. Biological parenting is partnering with God in creation. Adoptive parenting is partnering with God in redemption. I have never seen my husband and I as second best since.
lisa h says:
thanks, Judy. Great words. We have two sons, joined to our family through adoption 3 years ago. They are from Uganda. I am grateful for their birth parents. Soooo grateful. But I have no doubt that our Ugandan-born sons are in this family ~ our family ~ here in America and this is first best. God does not have a cookie-cutter ‘best’ for everyone. Culture, language, country…. none of these trump God’s purposes. And for our boys, God’s best was transforming those things and bringing them here. It is, in fact, His FIRST best for them. We may have been second in line chronologically to be their family, but our family was surely not second best.
Shaun Groves says:
It’s so hard to tell from type on a screen, but is this defensiveness? No need for that. What I’ve said is…
“The best for a child is to be raised by a loving mom and dad. In their culture. Their language. Their family.”
I stand by that. Biological family that loves and provides for a child is best for that child. Every child. LOVES AND PROVIDES – that’s key.
So at best I am second best. I may be the best option at the moment for this child but I am not the ideal. The ideal is biological family, loving and providing.
And loving extended family – aunts, uncles, grandparents – who can provide would be second best really.
Behind that some say a home-like setting with other children and “home parents” might be third best.
So, it’s quite possible I’m FOURTH best!
But if options 1, 2 & 3 aren’t available I’m beyond blessed to be fourth! In such a case fourth best is best. Confused? Me too. ; )
Lizzie says:
Wonderful! I’m amazed at Compassion!
kathleen says:
You made quite a splash with the phrase “orphan prevention” I love it! As one who spent some years being the swimsuit judge ( I hate that the process makes people feel that way) that is the first time I have heard that. I am also the mom of two adopted kids, and I would have passed you on the evening dress competition too!
kris says:
The perfect description of compassion. Thank you, Shaun.
JD says:
Social services kept taking me from foster care and sending me to my biological family on the weekends my father was given a pass from jail, so that we could all be together “as a family”, because being together as a family was what was “best” in their eyes. What their eyes refused to see was that the rapes continued at every opportunity when I was in his care. All I had asked was to be protected from him, but they said it was best for me to be with him.
Being in foster care that one year didn’t feel like the best either, and neither did the 12 years with my family before that, or the 5 after that.
Maybe it wasn’t the best scenario for God, perhaps only the best scenario for satan, who comes to steal, kill and destroy… but God gets the best out of it in that it shaped my relationship and faith in Him and that it has been the BEST life application lesson on scripture, love, faith, healing, redemption, and forgiveness. What man intended for evil, God is using for good and it brings Him glory. And THAT’s the best part of it all, without a doubt! 🙂
Shaun Groves says:
Living with parents who are unloving is not best for a child. And I want to make very clear that I never said it was. What I said was…
“The best for a child is to be raised by a loving mom and dad. In their culture. Their language. Their family.”
xinme says:
I totally get the concept of “orphan prevention” and agree that it is SO important. However, I do not agree that an adoptive parent is “second best at best” — nor do I think adoption is second to God’s original “best” plan. God always gives us His best. Yes, we live in a fallen world — but isn’t it all grace, as Ann Voskamp often so eloquently points out? And what is God’s PERFECT plan of salvation? That we be ADOPTED into His kingdom, become heirs with Christ Jesus! No, my adopted Daddy is NOT second best at best! 😉
Often, adoption IS best. (JD alluded to some good reasons in her comment.) When I was reading your post, Moses came to mind. Can we argue with God’s perfect plan for Moses’s life and suggest that the adoption plan was second best? How would things have been different if he’d stayed with his birth parents????
God puts people in the families He intends for them. If it is an adoptive family — that’s not His second best. You may have guessed that I am an adoptive parent. Adoption may have been MY second choice for creating my family — but it was GOD’S PERFECT PLAN for me and my children — and their birth parents! 😀
Shaun Groves says:
I’m so thankful for your vantage point but I think you and others MIGHT be misunderstanding a couple things (which may be due to my unclear communication – my apologies).
1. I’ve said that what’s best for a child is to be raised by LOVING biological parents who can provide for their every need. I stand by that. I’ve not said the best for a child is to be with just any ol’ kind of biological parents, but LOVING parents who can provide.
2. I’m not speaking theologically. I’m speaking, I think clearly, on a sociological…er, developmental…hmmm, not on a theological level. There is a paradox at work here: I can be second best in one sense and best in another.
I spoke with a pastor in New Orleans once who told me the hurricane grew his church by providing it an opportunity to love neighbors more deeply than ever before. It was the best thing for the spread of the gospel in New Orleans. YET, who would say that homelessness is best for a population? Or a contaminated water supply? Or lost jobs? This is paradox – what is not best can be part of God’s best for our life.
If I’ve offended, I hope this clears things up.
Kathy says:
As a mom of 9 beautiful children. I want you to know that our 4 adopted children where designed for the family they are in. I believe the hand of God moved to allow us the miracle of adoption .
Our children we adopted , domestic adoptions and international. Our children that are adults and doing amazing. They are confident that God who began the good work in them will bring it to completion.
The second best comment , could causes alot of questions for me. I Know God brought each of our children to us. So how could that be second best??
If you feel called to help these families God Truly Bless you.. If you are discouraging families to reach out and save the Orphans.. Then that is wrong. Please research some web sites like reeses rainbow where children will go from a orphanage to an institution and die within months. They are starved and tied to beds. Saving these Beautiful children is Gods Best. That is the true Religion save the orphans and help the widows.
Just to let you also know as My Husband and I stood next to our son on his wedding day, Airforce Graduation and High School Graduation . Never for one minute did we feel second best. God knows the plans he has for us , to give us a hope and a future. Loving our son from the minute he came to us has been a privilege and one I am so thankful for.
James 1:27
New International Version (NIV)
27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world
Shaun Groves says:
Kathy, you are wrong in your assessment of me and what I value and what I’m setting out to accomplish in this post. I wonder if you read this post or skimmed it. Did you read my comments? I don’t know how anyone could read this post and arrive at the conclusions you have.
You are defending something no one is attacking here. Certainly I’m not.
Jenn says:
I think I understand what you are saying Shaun. One of my dearest friends, who I have known for 20 years, was adopted as an infant. She would not trade her family for anything, but there has always been a part of her that wonders “why” and “what if.”
I also think that there is a tendency to think that parents in the third world don’t love their children as much as we love ours here in the US. (No one would say that outright, but is comes across in the way other things are said.) But to your point, there are so many cases of orphans in other countries who really were given up by parents who loved them too much to watch them suffer, starve or be forced into prostitution.
I also think that we sometimes feel as though a life here in America in a home with a roof and carpet and running water is preferable to a life of poverty. But I am sure so many of those children would much prefer the dirt floor and the trips to the well with their mother (abusive parents notwithstanding, but do I really need to qualify that?).
And I am sure that for many children who are adopted after the age of two or three, there are memories of their parents and their families and the place they left behind, so even being in the family God has planned for them may not take away the longing in their hearts for their birth parents.
I’m not trying to stoke the fire, but just to say that I see where you’re coming from, and I think that having the perspective you have is going to go a long way in you and Becky having a tender heart towards this child who will become your son. I wish that the man who raised me after my father died had the same perspective.
xinme says:
I so appreciate you following up on our responses, Shaun! Personally, I was not offended — I actually felt saddened that you, as an adoptive father, would view yourself as second best. I found myself wondering, if you view yourself as second best as a father, do you, by the same token, view the child as second best as a son/daughter because they are not biologically related? Why would it not work both ways? (And *I* don’t mean to offend by that — that’s just what was going through my mind when I read your post. And to be fair, perhaps that train of thought influenced my ability to really absorb the intent of your words — though as I said, I totally get the idea of “orphan prevention.”)
I understand your distinction about loving biological parents being the ideal — but I really don’t know that we can separate the theology from the sociology. Either we believe God’s ways are best or we don’t. From our limited human perspective, we can argue that there’s no way adoption or floods or hurricanes are the “best” for people. But if those are the gifts God delivers, who are we to suggest they are “second best at best”?
I suppose it could be argued that, in this fallen world, God takes what Satan intends for evil and uses it for good — but aren’t we then saying that God has to work around Satan’s plans? That would mean that God is not really in control — and that Satan is.(Hmmm . . . perhaps I need to explore the authority God has given Satan over this world until Christ’s return as King . . . maybe I’m misguided in my understanding of how God implements His will in this world right now . . . . you’ve got me thinking, seriously!)
Anyway — my intent is not to argue with you, just to further explore thoughts that have a real impact on how we “do” life — and hopefully grow as a result 🙂 I have been learning so much from you and the other Compassion bloggers, and I appreciate the opportunities and challenges you all give to wrestle with important issues. 🙂
(BTW — my 13-year-old daughter and I will have the opportunity to meet our Compassion child in El Salvador this summer! We are very excited — and nervous!)
Sarah says:
Shaun, first of all, congratulations, and many prayers being sent your way. I know this is a difficult transition time, and while the nosy side of me wonders about details, I admire your restraint and your commitment to protect your family.
Second, I resonate with what you’ve said in this post… for several reasons. The foremost in my mind is that I’m just thankful that you don’t see yourself (or others who’ve accepted a similar calling) as “the great white hope” – with the notion that of course America is the BEST choice for any child. I see your heart in this, and wholeheartedly agree with you… if possible, it would be best for a child to be raised in a loving home in their own culture. To imply that American culture is superior to those in developing countries shows (in my opinion) a serious misunderstanding.
I am also walking this truth out in my every day life. I too have adopted a child. The daughter of my husband, whose “mommy in heaven” (as we call her) died in a car accident when she was 2. I am her mother (please never call me a stepmother), she is completely mine, but completely someone else’s as well. On one hand, I am definitely the BEST choice… because the choice was me or no mother at all on this earth. But on the other hand, I am second best… because in a perfect, ideal world, her other mother’s life would not have been so tragically cut short. Since we don’t live in a perfect, ideal world, I am thankful that the Lord chose to redeem this situation the way He did… but it is certainly not the ideal situation.
So on one hand, you are the best choice for this little boy… because the choice is broken/no family in home country or the happy healthy Groves family in America. But on the other hand, you are second best, because in a perfect, ideal world, this little boy would live with his biological parents in a happy, loving home in his country of origin.
I’m overwhelmingly thankful that in this broken, far-from-ideal world, we serve a God that redeems… a God who makes “second best” better than ever could be imagined!
Shaun Groves says:
Yes! Exactly, Sarah. Thank you for chiming in!
Jason Rust says:
Wow Sarah
That was so good. I have really struggled with this entire issue that Shaun has brought up. All of these comments are helping me clear through this fog.
Thank you
jen says:
I was scrolling down, trying to give words to my response/feelings . . . and there was your response, exactly what I was feeling. Redemption is so often the word that comes to mind – that God redeems my life, our world, so many situations – including those that surround our adoption. (We would not have these two amazing children if it were not for horrific loss in their lives, yet we are grateful, *grateful* for the treasure that they are!)
xinme says:
I just realized I get to see you in person next week at KB! Cool! 🙂 Looking forward to it! 🙂
Sarah Chia says:
I think what this boils down to is whether we believe that everything that happens is God’s perfect will , or simply something that He allowed.
Another factor is possibly whether we believe that God’s perfect plan included sin, or whether God allowed sin and was wise in His foreknowledge to have a plan to reconcile the world to Himself.
Can we really say that our adoption into His family is the ultimate best? Or would no sin in the first place have been the best, but since the fact is that man sinned, God in His omnipotence planned for and created a new best, in lieu of the original best?
Well, praise God that He is able to do immeasurably more than we could ask or imagine! Because he takes sins and things that are the results of sins and turns them into beautiful things. (I’m including poverty as a result of sin because before sin, the earth provided everything man needed to eat, and there was no need for clothing. I am not saying that poverty is the direct result of the individual’s sin, but a result of original sin.)
I have a little boy in my home right now who is unable to live with his biological family. I would love for his family to get things straightened out so they could love and care for him. But in the meantime, I will love and care for him as I do my biological children, and I will show Him Christ.