Shaun Groves
They come out of the woodwork during every blogging trip. Women – always women – posting and e-mailing and calling Compassion because they don’t like a woman – always a woman – I’ve chosen to take overseas.
Don’t you know…
Her marriage is broken.
Her past is checkered.
She’s so dramatic.
She’s lying about not having a TV.
She’s fat.
She’s a hypocrite.
She’s a Republican.
She meditates.
She’s just plain annoying.
Suspicion. Assumption. Judgment.
Or is that my judgment? So hard to tell.
Their words are not always without merit, mind you, but so often strike me as judgment nonetheless. Not the timbre of concern or love but hate – riddled with name calling and threats and depleted of all rationality by CAPITALS and exclamation marks!!!!!!!!
One of the many lessons the third world has sung into me over the years is humility. And oh how I need it!
Face to face with persevering saints, who hold up under more than I could bear, who love enemies more ferocious than my own, who share their little, who pray unselfishly, who smile in darkness undaunted – I’m humbled. Face to face with problems I cannot fix and questions I cannot answer – I’m forcibly humbled.
Again and again.
From places where everything is so obviously technicolor grace I return more gracious. Little by little.
What irony that trips to such places unleash so much ungraciousness across the interwebs.
But I too have been ungracious. Much more so. I’m certainly no better.
Humility’s song is finished. By the looks of my inbox I think it’s well worth a listen today.
No Better (Mastered) by shaungroves
To pre-order the new album due out August 30th go to shaungroves.com/store.
JessicaB says:
Wow, I had forgotten about this song. Glad it’s going to be on the new album (or is it a record? I don’t know fancy music stuff)
And double wow about the woman on woman hate mail. Sheesh. In my line of thinking, if you think someone is so terrible and “wicked”, wouldn’t a trip that’s bound to involve a paradigm shift be a good thing?
But what do I know. *shrugs*
JD says:
Amen, my friend, amen.
Lindsay says:
Seeing as how a large percentage of your blog readers are women, and how a super large percent of your CBs are women, it feels a little hurtful and unfair (to me, as a woman) to say “always the women.” There’s a good chance that, were there more men present in this community, they would also have a few bruises and black eyes, as well.
Because, most of the time, it’s “always the women” facing their fears, getting their households in order, and taking the plunge to go on these trips. It’s also more often than not “always the women” supporting your blog and promoting your projects.
It hurts that the few who choose to allow jealousy and judgment to guide their interactions cast this sort of light on the rest of us. Of course, at the end of it all, I’m no better.
God help us.
Shaun Groves says:
I didn’t say anything about all women. I said all the critics are women.
Pretty big difference, I think. Right?
Jason says:
My first thought? I wonder how many of those nasty messages are coming from people jealous they didn’t get to go on the trip and didn’t get the rise in blog hits they think the people going the trip have received?
ALL of us fall into some kind of category. The people who sent those messages are gossips. BOOM! SINNERS! TOSS THEM ASIDE TOO!
“Oh wait…no…we’re not…that’s not…we’re just telling the truth.”
Yeah. Sell it somewhere else.
kit says:
yeah, it probably IS jealousy. I admit that sometimes the bloggers you choose to take are “not my style” and I wonder why they got to go and another blogger wasn’t chosen instead. So I can kinda see where such comments come from, but talk about tactless!
Jenny says:
Ugh. Christians can be so ugly. I can’t stand swoop and poopers. yuk.
So thankful you take the marriage-broken, checkered-past, republican-voting, can’t-fit-into-the-fat-pants-wearing folks. Else, I’d not have a shot ever… So thankful that Compassion doesn’t look at where we have been, but where we are going as we link arms in service through words, hearts, and photos.
Keep doing what you are doing Shaun – it is so important. Save all those exclamations and we will recycle them to shout praises with you for all the good that y’all do on these trips 🙂
Katie says:
Yeah, personally, I’m just as interested (if not more so) in the reactions and thoughts of a “normal” far-from-perfect woman, than I would be if Mother Theresa went on one. It’s more eye-opening, I think. And that’s what I love about these trips…getting to experience them through a normal woman’s eyes.
Tanya says:
I agree!
Joni Martin says:
Wow. Bitter much? 🙂 It is sad that women can’t bear to see the successes of other women in many cases. Women’s weakness in tearing down the competition is so obvious, leaves such a bad taste in your mouth.
Men’s weaknesses are perhaps less obvious, look more “noble”, perhaps.
Not all women, not always women… women are just invested enough to say something. Jealousy? Yes. Insecurity? By all means. But do men’s faults, landing inside or outside of your inbox, merit less disgust?
Let’s not make this a gender war. Let’s discuss the fact that charitable giving by women to Compassion International is probably twice that of men. Let’s discuss the fact that when a woman sees the plight of others, she feels that in her heart and soul. Let’s discuss the fact that the majority of volunteers who create community and invest in the world around them are women. “always women”? No. Always human though, with faults and insecurities and sins and, well, HUMANITY.
Jo Anna says:
Sad commentary. Hmmm, I seem to remember Jesus saying something about taking the beam out of your own eye before taking a speck out of someone else’s eye… It’s so easy for us to justify and deny our own sins and yet broadcast the sins or supposed sins of others. Oh that Jesus would soften me to repentence and create a clean heart in ME. How can we act like the world and expect others to want to be Christ followers? BTW, I loved following the Philppines Compassion Trip. We are in process of adopting (two little boys) from the Philippines and can’t wait to get there! Thank you for all you do for the Lord and may He be glorified.
JD says:
Glad to hear Compassion Blogger trips are all about taking human beings in need of Jesus to spend time with human beings in need of Jesus… there’s room for all, and in all, room for Him.
ann says:
My first overseas mission trip was to the Philippines. And I’m glad I was allowed to go, despite my checkered past, my weight, my ugly heart, and my tv. Thanks for the reminder that we are to love the unlovable (like me) as they go and love the very lovable. Your blog often humbles me (and boy, do I need that).
JessicaB says:
<3
boomama says:
That song? WILL PREACH.
Stephanie T. Green says:
My flaws are even worse so I stay out of the spotlight when I can. Thankfully, I found a ministry where I’m not subjected to any judgement about who I am and the choices I make. Thank you Shaun and all the flawed bloggers who put yourself in the public eye despite the cost.
Christine says:
This hurts so much, especially since the women you took sacrificed a great deal. Just being away from one’s own children for a week would be very painful.
Also, the women are often in very hot places, doing very uncomfortable things, with people they’ve probably never met. And everyone is tired.
Despite all that, the posts are alway so good! God is with you all.
Please remember, Shaun, that when you open an ugly e-mail, it is Satan, not the women, per se–it is Satan using the women, as he used Eve.
I believe Satan is actively involved in every mission trip….because they are potentially so powerful.
The only way we women ( who he has a history of targeting) can avoid being Satan’s pawn is through prayer, remembering the lines of the Lord’s Prayer….lead us not into temptation…and deliver us from evil. We need to include something along this vein in our prayers, making sure we have a consistent, rich prayer life.
Prayer is the answer; it’s a daily humbling. It’s a daily filling up, so that emptiness doesn’t lead us into temptation.
Thank you for your hard work, Shaun! And for being brave enough to tell it like it is.
Shaun Groves says:
Good reminder. Thanks for that.
Katie says:
I, too, thought myself thinking about the fact that it’s “always women.” It didn’t surprise me, for it’s true that we women are probably 20x (maybe more) likely to send an email of that sort for any number of reasons.
Quite honestly, I think it comes down to our 30,000 words a day compared to the average man’s. Most of the men I know are just as likely to think those same things and talk about it with the guys. But they’re far less likely to type out an email about it, especially to someone they don’t know.
But is it bad that women aren’t afraid to say almost anything to anyone?
God made us women with a desire to talk things out…to keep things in the open, rather than bury them down…to do and be AND SAY. I don’t believe there is anything wrong with this desire at all. God put it in us, and when used to glorify Him, it is a wonderful thing that He uses mightily. It is partly why our churches have a higher percentage of women in them, and why these blogging trips appear to primarily take women along to do the talking and sharing and testifying. Shaun, unfortunately, gets a screen-full of examples of what happens when this God-given desire has been twisted by sin.
The second truth is what Shaun addressed…and as he said, he–a man–is guilty of the same thing. We all are. For a man who thinks those things yet doesn’t email (whether it’s because he knows it’s no business of his or some other reason)…is no better in his heart than the women who did (and didn’t) email.
Out of of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks…it just speaks more loudly and more often in women, more often than not. Which is why the only way to truly solve the “problem” is to ask Him to change our hearts.
But a quick glimpse at the hundreds of blogs ministering to others on the Internet will remind us that there’s plenty of good things coming out of the abundance of many hearts as well. And the same thing that makes women “mind other people’s business” when they shouldn’t, when transformed by God’s love and compassion, also causes women to volunteer and reach out to the world around them. Meanwhile, others who have always minded their own business have two hurdles to overcome before God can use them.
I’m thinking of the words of a song the Lord gave me years ago, that we’ve begun singing in my church recently. If it’s okay to share here.
Father God, here am I, boldly approaching
In Jesus’ name with my request
Hear the cry of my heart
I am nothing without You
Lord forgive my pride
By Your grace, I come asking
Show me who You are
Show me Your love that others may know You
Show me Your power, anoint my hands
Show my Your heart that I might see the world through Your eyes
Show me Your way and the path of Your choosing
Show me the infinite wonder of You
Lord, all I want is to know You
It’s Your power, Your grace
Your truth, Your way
Your love has captured my heart
Use my hands, my feet
My mouth, every word I speak
Make me a reflection of You.
Heart and Haven says:
Wow, I am deeply saddened to read this post. I am new to the blogger realm, and this was the 1st compassion blogger trip I followed. The inspirational words & pictures presented convicted me to sponsor my 1st child! I feel honored to do so.
And aren’t we all from checkered pasts, broken homes, sinners hopelessly lost without our Savior? Perhaps it’s just me, but I’d much rather read the story from the woman redeemed in Christ than the “perfect wife” anyway.
Shaun Groves says:
I hope this clarifies…
I love women. I take women on these trips because, well, they say yes and men don’t. And women just straight up connect with Compassion’s ministry to children in ways that men haven’t so far.
So, there it is. I do in fact love women and hold them in high regard.
But, yes, it has so far been only women criticizing only women in my inbox for the last three years.
We’ve taken men on trips. Flawed men. Pete Wilson is short and uses a flat iron. Tim Challies is Canadian. Very flawed men, obviously ; ) OK, so not all that flawed. But less flawed than Ann Voskamp? Kelly Stamps? Boo Mama? Angie Smith? Beth Moore? Really? I wish I were have the man these women are…wait a second.
And yes, no doubt men can be critical of men. (Anyone read a post about Rob Bell lately? Listen to conservative radio much?) Men have probably even been critical of men bloggers who’ve traveled with me. And merely thinking critical hateful things is no better than putting those thoughts in writing and sending them through cyberspace. Agreed. But I simply report the facts here: It is all women criticizing all women on every blog trip I’ve lead. Wish it weren’t so. But, sadly, the facts remain…after how many trips and how many bloggers? Pretty good sample I think.
In my experience, it IS a gender issue. Can’t explain why but it no doubt definitely is. If you have ovaries and you travel overseas with me? Well, I will get an e-mail about your stance on nursing, your parenting approach, your diet, where the ad revenue from your blog is going, about that time you said that thing four years ago… It will happen.
But if you’re a man? Not likely.
Katie says:
LOL! I hope you didn’t misunderstand my post. I didn’t think you were being critical…just pointing out facts. And those facts led me to contemplate them.
And this comment makes me laugh and feel sorry for you just a bit!
Your song does hit on the bigger issue, though, which is one we all always need to remember. 🙂 Thanks.
Sarah Markley says:
“Pete Wilson is short and uses a flat iron. Tim Challies is Canadian. Very flawed men, obviously”
this made my afternoon. you are hilarious. =)
Jason says:
Shaun, this line made me very curious:
“I take women on these trips because, well, they say yes and men don’t.”
Why do the men turn you down?
Shaun Groves says:
The primary reason given is that they can’t get off work.
Sarah Markley says:
oh wow, i really love the song, Shaun.
and crazy about the crazy girls who come out of the woodwork. i had no idea.
learning that i’ll die if i try to please everyone. so i’ll stop trying. i’m just gonna try to please God. i think that’s good enough.
well done on the song.
Shaun Groves says:
Thanks, Sarah.
MJ says:
Those women need to know that they are doing great damage to God’s Kingdom because it keeps many of us holding back in the dark shadows afraid of stepping into the light for fear of their judgement.
Shaun Groves says:
You know, sadly, I never even thought about that. Too busy feeling defensive of my friends who dare to step out into the light and get criticized. Forgot all about the message such criticism sends to women who desperately want to take that first step.
Amy says:
Sad. Maybe us women should be looking inside ourselves and having empathy for those on a “pedestal”, instead of doing what we can to tear them down.
Jenn says:
I am glad you wrote this post and this song. I think that in the time it took someone to sit down and write you and email, they could have written a Compassion kid a letter. And don’t we all have junk that should keep us from ever doing anything in service to Christ? Isn’t that what redemption and grace are all about?
We women do love to tear each other down on blogs. There is so much jealousy among those of us who call ourselves Christians. I am susceptible to it as well. (But I do at least have the decency to be ashamed about it… ha ha.)
And I got so in a wad about this post that I burned a strawberry pie. Not cool.
Shaun Groves says:
Sorry about that pie. I owe you.
jess says:
hmmm….i must have missed something along the way because i thought these trips were about the children and how compassion is being the hands and feet of Jesus.
Cathy says:
This makes me so sad. Maybe because every one of those things could be said about me. Except the tv. I have one and never said I didn’t. 🙂
I’m more sad though because I “know” and love every one of those bloggers that you mentioned and I’m sad that anyone could attack such amazing people in that way.
But most of all, I’m sad because I know the children in the Philippines and Mexico and Honduras and many other places that Compassion serves. I know the great need and I’ve seen the faces light up when they read that letter or meet that missionary.
And the heart of Compassion is, well, compassion. Love God. Love others. Do you know what being fat, coming from a broken marriage or a checkered past, or any of those other things teach you? Yeah, Compassion. I’m sad that so many perfect women can’t see that they are missing the point entirely.
And I’m sad that I read this before I washed my face because now there’s mascara all over it.
Marla Taviano says:
I like that we were both commenting at the same time and picked up on the same “sad” theme. And I love what you said about your TV. Nice.
Marla Taviano says:
I speak to women, write for women, chat with women, AM a woman, so this shouldn’t surprise me. But it did. My mouth just hung open the whole way through this post. I’m embarrassed for us. And sad. Really sad.
p.s. Do you ever point them to the women God chose to use in a mighty way in the Bible? Rahab, Tamar, Mary Magdalene, Bathsheba…
Tj says:
The Bible speaks of women and their problems with their tongue and contentious ways and I agree, it is a gender issue. Guys have their own troubles but when it comes to critical spirits women are tops. LOL. I am a women and I have struggled with this and still do. More grace, more graciousness, as you so wisely spoke.
Kelli says:
As the mother of a daughter and, you know, as a girl myself, this doesn’t surprise me. My daughter is 5 and I’m already surprised at how nasty she, and her little friends, can be. It’s innate. And that makes me sad.
I am realizing more and more how I mysel f need to model graciousness and compassion and love for my children, particularly my Tia. She will have plenty of ‘mean girl’ influences outside of the home, but my deepest desire is that she grow into a young woman of grace, peace and love. This post is a good reminder that my gender is susceptible to malice, slander and gossip by the very nature of being female. I am not immune to such hatefulness in my heart. I never want to assume that I am. Thanks for the reminder and I will add this to my list of prayers for you and the bloggers who have gone with you. I can imagine that after experiencing what you all did, it’s a bit disheartening to read such negativity. Sadly, those who write the nasty emails completely missed the point.
Great song, by the way! It’s really, really beautiful!
Kelli says:
Seriously, I just listened to the song a second time and I love it! It’s so fun and funky and the words are awesome…just a beautiful message. It’s my favorite so far! 🙂
Rebecca says:
Love the song and always love the people that you choose for the trips. So many have challenged me in new ways with their perspectives. Flawed people? Isn’t the flawed part just assumed when you are referring to people? We’re all a mess, aren’t we?
Laura says:
Ya know, in dealing with peoples junk, I try to remind myself, “Where there are no oxen, the manger is empty, but from the strength of an ox comes an abundant harvest.” (prov. 14:4) Working with college students, gossip abounds (and everytime I’ve seen a ministry destroyed or heard of a ministry destroyed it was b/c of gossip. ugh) Anyway, I think of dealing with gossip/criticism… as cow poo. Yeah, it stinks, but if there was no people to have to deal with their would be no fruit. (Since we all have issues)
Keep up the good work Shaun, I’m sorry it is stinky sometimes… God is using you for eternal purposes and it will be totally worth it in the end! Press on friend. 🙂
Laura says:
Sorry about my spelling/grammar… guess it’s time for bed. 🙂
sara varghese says:
what’s wrong with being a republican???…..lol, I’m just kidding.
Ode to the Crap Stirrers…hmmm? new song title?
Amy Hauptman says:
Thank you for this! Thought you might enjoy this blopost: http://www.intervarsity.org/blog/it-better-give-or-receive
We’d love to stay connected with you in blog-land!
-InterVarsity Christian Fellowship (“Transform Lives, Renew the Campus, and Change the Wordl’)
lk says:
fantastic song, Shaun!
thanks for the real on what you’ve experienced with some women bloggers.
ain’t nothing gonna keep me from following your Compassion trips … i like watching Jesus do what He does through folks.
Ryan Detzel says:
Oh Shaun…the two of us…you and I…the male mom-bloggers…we may never figure out why some women do the things they do. Thankfully, all we’re required to figure out is our very own wives. Let’s stick to that challenge. It’s hard enough.
Meredith Dunn says:
Sad, but true. And I among the worse offenders. Why? Because of my own personal insucrities and fears that I pray no one ever discovers. The real truth though is that every insecurity every woman faces (in my estimation) stems from the lie that “You’re not enough and God is not big enough to fix you.” But the opposite is true. And if we all, women, realized we all fight the same lie, I wonder what community would break forth. Champions for truth and avengers of worth. Maybe one day.
[email protected] meadows speak says:
I came over from Emily’s “chatting at the sky” and nodding a big “yes” to how we judge. I never thought my hands would harm a hair on Christ’s head, but then, I’m capable of crucifying a sister, a brother, a neighbor with my own death sentence of disgust. Only then do I know I could’ve very well put the hammer head on the nails. It’s by Grace alone my hand is stayed at all…and even then, not so well since I’m still wrapped in skin.
Roberta says:
wow…blows my mind every time! I guess it just goes to show that any type of validation, be it negative or positive is better than NO Validation…just like kids with attention…they are gonna get it anyway they can 😉 Bless you Shaun and all of the Compassion Bloggers for standing where you are and being the messengers.
Fondly, Roberta
Karen says:
Wow! Just wow! Makes me so sad, really! TOTALLY misses the point of the trip!
Sassiekiwi says:
Well … it could also be that since the bulk of your audience seems to be women, thats who you hear from with the good, bad and the ugly!
I followed another blog for a while, it was mostly men and in the end I stopped because I have never read such awful things being said in the name of Christ – and seriously, pretty much all the posters were men (I can think of two women).
I think about scripture being a two edged sword and that we are exhorted to correctly handle truth … this implies to me that there is an incorrect way … and if we do it wrong, we can seriously damage others.
Both genders are guilty. I learnt a valuable lesson a few years ago when I was doing a ministry internship. I was fortunate to be mentored by one of the sharpest teachers I have had the privilege of sitting under and he seriously nailed me to the wall on things. However, the thing I learnt from him is truth and love must be married together – without both, don’t speak.
Thanks for the reminder.
Peace.
steph says:
Praise God that you don’t have to be perfect to be used!