Shaun Groves
My son’s lifeplan is simple. Play football for Auburn. Play football for the Steelers. Coach football. Enter the Hall of Fame.
When I was eight I wanted to be a cartoonist. And a Green Beret. I drew one comic book that wasn’t comical and laid some trip wires across the walking path at the park down the street. One Summer. But Gresham?
10,000 Hours
Gresham has me run him through offensive and defensive drills every day. Every. Day. For the last two years.
We pretend the couch is a receiver, I’m the quarterback and he’s the defender. I hurl the ball at Couch Johnson and Gresham blocks it. Again and again.
Then he’s the receiver. We’re in the front yard, two neighbor kids defending him as he jukes to get open and I throw him the ball. Again and again.
He runs routes. He sprints. He lines up at an invisible line of scrimmage in a three-point stance. He saves his money for a tackling dummy. He watches DVDs of the Steelers history, pauses after a spectacular play, lines up on the rug and runs the play himself. Again and again.
Well on his way to 10,000 hours.
And all this, apparently, has made him very very good at football. He’s being recruited. At age eight.
This week he’s at a local football camp for eight hours every day. Football. All day. For a week. Friends quit after the first day – like I would have – but I’ve never seen my son so happy. “What was the best part of your day?” I asked last night. “Everything,” he said, “I’m so so so so happy.”
His coach is happy too, recruiting him to play tackle football in the league that’s hosting the camp. I said no before camp even started. We’re doing camp and that’s it. But now I’m not so sure. Maybe one season. Maybe not. I don’t know. My head floods with fears.
What Could Go Wrong?
There’s no doubt Gresham is talented. Passionate. Happy. But my job as parent isn’t to raise a happy kid but to preserve and develop his mind, body, spirit, character and to do that for all my kids. Without being tempted by the size of home one overly-supported kid could one day build me after the endorsement deals start rolling in.
Joining this league would mean spending a disproprtionate amount of our family’s time on one of the five people in it. And that means not only less time spent on everyone else in this house but also less time for Gresham to study, be a good friend, serve, and be unstructured – free to play and self-direct.
And have you seen Earl Campbell? Mean Joe Green? Busted joints. Battered brains. Shadows of other men their age. One injury can inconvenience or cripple for life. My father-in-law and his brothers still have injuries from their days playing college ball. It’s compelling when my father-in-law, who loves football and was great at it, warns of the dangers of playing the sport.
And do you remember the jocks you went to school with? Not the most well-rounded, kind, grounded, humble individuals on my campus. Many just got by in school, got worshiped on Friday nights, and got left behind in life after graduation. Judgmental? Stereotyping? Absolutely. Of course my recollection could be colored a tad by the fact that I was a braces-wearing saxophone player without pectoral muscles, who couldn’t get a date with the cheerleader of his dreams at the time. Bitter much?
Then there’s the cost. There’s a fee to play in this league. And then uniforms. And gas to and from games. And I’m sure we’ll have to sign up to bring snacks. And do you realize how many Eskimo pies and bottles of Gatorade an entire team of football players probably consumes? And I’ve not seen a Groupon for that sort of thing yet.
And I’m a musician who frosts cakes, writes a mom blog and buys Groupons? The other football dads will give me a wedgie for sure.
Seems unrealistic to think my kid will be an exception. Plenty of time for stuff other than football. Never injured. Never worshiped. Never struggling against ego. Never one-dimensional.
Seems overprotective nutso to decide an eight year-old can’t play a sport he loves mainly because of the potential dangers of playing at the high school and pro levels.
Your Turn
I’m not asking for specific advice here, so please don’t offer any to us. Every kid, every league, every coach, every family is different.
And because of that I would really like to know what your kid’s passion and talent is. And what you’ve done to encourage and equip them in that? And is your kid’s passion potentially dangerous…to body, mind, soul, character or family? How do you protect and support simultaneously in your situation?
Kelli says:
Oh my, we really wrestled through this one this year. Our daughter (who is only 5, mind you) was asked to be a part of a developmental gymnastics team. She’s talented, fearless and freakishly strong – the makings of a good gymnast, I fear. But, as a former gymnast myself and as a coach at one of the top facilities in the world (think Carly Patterson and Nastia Liukin) I know the good and the bad of intense gymnastics training.
So we wavered. And prayed. And sought counsel. And decided to try it out for two months. The training schedule was not what concerned me. It’s only 3.5 hours a week. But, it’s all the extras they want. An extra tumbling class here, anothe training camp there. It’s more time and more money and honestly…she’s 5.
So we had to put our foot down. She’s in the program for as long as she likes it and no extras. Not now. There will be other sports to try and there are other passions to develop.
And there are two siblings who have their own sports loves to chase.
It’s hard, though. Because that selfish part of me wants to see her go all the way. I want to sit in the stands and cheer her on on the big stage. But is that right for her? Because I have a stress fracture in my back and scars on my knee from surgery at 14 to prove that sometimes the pay off isn’t a gold medal, but arthritis. So we are taking it one slow step at a time. And I admire your courage to say no. Because it does take courage!
Shaun Groves says:
Wow. Thanks, Kelli. Lots to think through. Good to know I’m not alone in thinking.
Kelli says:
I think the danger in these kinds of athletic commitments is not necessarily that a lot of time is required of our children, but that a lot of time is required of them so YOUNG. I want to fully engage in my children’s gifts and talents and support their passions as they grow, but in these young formative years, sometimes you have to put your foot down and say “No.” Even if it makes them angry and even if it means that maybe they won’t go to the Olympics or become the greatest collegiate football player that ever lived.
We can’t get these young years with our children back and I just don’t want to lose them to a game or a meet quite yet. That’s the place that our prayers led us to. But for every family and for every child that’s going to be different. 🙂
Kelly L says:
I don’t have kids, so I can only answer for me, but my struggle is this: what about THIS calling, the one I have, the thing God made me to be, the thing I can’t help but excel at. Does it demand too much? Take too much away from my husband? Tempt me to love power and money? Dishonor God because if the energy and commitment it demands of me? And then I ask, what about THAT calling, the one that seems so pious that of course we’d all follow God’s plan had it been for us to serve him in a traditional “missionary” role. Would I have said no because THAT calling demanded everything? Took too much time and energy? Might tempt me to become prideful? And the only answer I have is this. Wherever God calls, I will go, one day at a time until he says, “OK, right here, that’s it, not one more step. You’ve honored who I’ve made you to be and what I’ve asked you to do.” And I’ll tell you this, so far I’ve found out that THIS calling has been a missional one all along.
Annie McCreary says:
I’ll be watching the comments to see what others think. We are in the same boat. Thanks for sharing exactly my fears and thoughts.
MainlineMom aka Sarah says:
Wow, tough one. I can’t even imagine having a kid THAT dedicated to something at age 8. My oldest is 6 and he doesn’t seem especially passionate about anything. For awhile he loved math and legos and I thought he was destined to be an engineer like his dad and I. Then he got really into art and produced some great stuff in school last year and I was amazed and figured I’d been all wrong. Now that summer is here he hardly ever wants to pick up his art supplies.
I will tell you this. When I was young I was academically talented and excelled at all subjects, including math and science. But at home in my free time I would sing at the top of my lungs, write and direct plays and musicals and create costumes out of scrap fabric. I begged for vocal lessons after watching the kids on Star Search. I was always denied. My friends did community theatre while my parents kept pushing me to master the piano and try to improve at softball.
Years later in engineering college, I took ballroom dance class as a gym elective. It was absolutely wonderful and my partner and I were the best in our class. I asked my mom why I never took dance classes like other little girls, and why they never let me take voice despite my begging. She told me they purposely steered me away from creative interests to keep me from becoming a starving artist.
Now I’m a successful engineer and I’ve lost my passion for it. I’m constantly working on my photography, my writing, and my singing. I can do both, but I admit to being slightly resentful of my parents influence.
Sorry for hijacking the comments, I’d make it a full blog post but my mom would freak out.
Shaun Groves says:
Thanks for the courage to share the other side of things. Truly proof that we’re all different too – I wasn’t exactly encouraged to be a musician – for the same reason I think. But that made me work that much harder at it. And mom and dad seem genuinely glad I rebelled ; )
Gina Martin says:
I’m very artistic, too, and I’ve spent my entire life in a minister’s family (I’m generation 4). From the time I was INCREDIBLY young, I was drawn to drama and music, and my parents supported it in a reasonable way. There were no extra classes (dance wasn’t allowed for little Baptist girls back then) or such, but my talents and my excitement were always encouraged. When I got to high school and had the opportunity to “specialize,” I did, and they supported me then, too, by driving me to school rehearsals until I could drive myself and coming to shows. Their only real restriction was that I be at church when I was supposed to be there, instead of at the theatre (I’m thankful to this day for that restriction, by the way). Even when my father couldn’t see how I could be in theatre and still be in the full-time ministry to which I had surrendered, he supported me.
It took many years, but now I’m a teacher (drama for 5 years, now English until my children are older) and I use my theatrical and musical passions to help my dad plan/write/produce productions for our church that are a DIRECT RESULT of those years of encouragement.
I guess the point is this: they encouraged me, but they never pushed me beyond my desire to do. They gave me a safe place to create and a safe place to be accepted when the other artists around me didn’t accept me. They loved me because I’m their kid, not because I’m talented. And it made me a better person, a better artist, and a better parent because of it.
Holly Solomon Barrett says:
My son’s passion was also sports…football, basketball and lacrosse. At age 2, he was the biggest Duke University fan you ever saw and wanted to grow up to be Bobby Hurley. That was a good choice because he is short like Bobby. Anyway, he started football in the peewees, went to the mites, and then to middle school. Played basketball in the rec leagues for 7 years. Played high school lacrosse for 3 and club lacrosse in college.
The ONLY time he ever got hurt was on the wrestling team. He was recruited by the wrestling coach in his freshman year because of his size. The first match (and the only sporting event I ever missed prior to high school graduation) was the one where he broke his collar bone.
So what did I do to encourage him? I let him play and went to every game…spent hours on bleachers…and waiting in parking lots. Shared lots of dinners with him and his sister (who had her own things going on) in the car on the way to said parking lots. He watched games, dreamed about games, talked about games, and I listened and cheered him on.
And how did he turn out? Well, he’s one of the most well-rounded 25-year-olds I know…currently serving our country in the US Air Force. He never played beyond club level lacrosse in college…wasn’t that talented…but he has memories of teams, games, coaches, places that he played. I asked him one time if he felt he missed anything because we didn’t sit down to the table for dinner as a family every night. He said no because even if we ate in the car on the way to a practice or game, we were doing it together…the three of us – him, me and his sister. And he has fond memories of the three of us together (whether it was his event or his sister’s). For the record, his sister said the same thing.
And finally, we were careful to balance all the sports with other family time, church activities, service opportunities, and time to just be a kid. I look at it now and wonder how I did it all…especially as a single mom. Just by the grace of God I’d say…and taking it one day, one season, one sport at a time.
Kelly says:
Parenting is tough isn’t it? One of our sons fell in love with football before the age of 2. Pretty amazing considering his parents are not sports people and he had never seen a football game. He had a football and that’s all he needed. Now at almost 11, his dreams are similar to Gresham’s, only he wants to be a Florida Gator and then a Miami Dolphin. We have okayed tackle football in a local popwarner league for the past couple of years. We do not do extra camps, no flying in special coaches, etc. If the Lord wants him to live that dream, He’ll make it happen despite our time and income limiting his opportunities.
Balancing the talents and passions of several kids is such a tough thing. We have two other kids that are passionate about soccer, one that loves birds and the youngest just tags along for now, but is quickly developing his own interests. We’ve made a one sport per season rule and then other stuff is decided on a case by case basis. We do ornithology club activities when we can, several times a year. Soccer in the Spring, tennis in the summer, football in the fall and winter we hibernate and just enjoy long days at home. We try to evaluate everything we do by asking “Does this help or hinder our goal of raising children to seek, serve and share Jesus?” Sometimes the answer isn’t black and white, but it helps us think through it to ask the question. We surround them with books as applicable and we pray for the Lord to lead us to the right opportunities at the right time.
Joelle says:
Man, our sons sound very, very similar. He’s 10 and has a near obsession with sports, both playing and watching. I’ve thrown the football to him hundreds of thousands of times, and that is no exaggeration. My son is extremely athletic and would play 24/7, but we have resisted the temptation to put him in tackle football, opting for flag football. And we have resisted the temptation all together to put him into overly time consuming sports (travel teams, etc). He does play one sport per season (4 per year, his choice), which involves one pratice per week and one game per week. For us the key is balance, both for the individual and as a family, and I suppose that will look different from time to time and year to year. As an aside, it seems like youth sports are getting a disproportionately higher amount of our collective time these days as compared to other equally important endeavors (and this is coming from a person who is very admittedly a sports junkie and a youth soccer coach), and I wonder why that is.
Amy says:
I just heard Julie Slattery speak on this very subject. 🙂 I foster my kids’ passions. I encourage them. But when it starts to threaten family, time, spirit, etc, we take a step back and we re-evaluate.
Amy says:
Here is the link. .It’s 60 seconds long. I couldn’t get it to work on my computer, hopefully you have better luck: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/popups/media_player.aspx?MediaId={15125A3A-C4AA-441B-9182-426661F1DBA4}
Amy says:
Well, that didn’t work. Never mind, I guess.
Heart and Haven says:
My son is in the band (plays mellophone in Marching Band, french horn in Wind Ensemble, and trumpet in Jazz Band), on the swim team (although not this year, as it didn’t work with his schedule).
He also competes in triathlons and marathons. I recently posted a blog about his last triathlon: http://heartandhaven.com/2011/05/23/the-race-and-the-winner-is/
At the end pretty much sums up how I feel about sports & developing perserverence to cross the finish line – I think it’s a great lesson to learn!
Sarah Mae says:
“And I’m a musician who frosts cakes, writes a mom blog and buys Groupons? The other football dads will give me a wedgie for sure.”
{giggle}
How about I just tell you my fears? I fear that my son will be into sports (he’s only 4 and throws right but bats left-and he’s good) and become more concerned with sports center than real news (we don’t have cable, but still…). There’s Hooter’s (sports teams always go there!), parties, and all the things you mentioned.
I also fear my daughter taking ballet because what if she’s good and she loves it, but her teacher plays “hump” music and they dance like strippers and wear next to nothing and…
You get the point.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
or what we will do.
Shaun Groves says:
I’m almost certain you can’t say “hump” here.
Sarah Mae says:
you really should be a counselor. Clearly, THAT is your gift.
JessicaB says:
This made me laugh. Hard.
Thank you.
Elaine says:
Really, cause you said you were an “athletic supporter.” 😉
Cara says:
That’s a really tough one. I’m not a parent yet, but I was once a kid who was freakishly devoted to a dangerous sport, so I will tell you about my experience.
When I was a teenager I loved martial arts, tae kwon do to be precise. I wanted to go to the olympics. I trained every day for three hours after school and more on weekends. I wanted to go to every tournament and qualified a couple of times for nationals. I went to the national training center for camp. My parents were unwaveringly supportive. To this day I’m shocked about that, because who wants their 14 year od daughter getting kicked in the head every weekend?
I’m glad my parents were supportive, and I’m glad that I did it. I learned a lot about hard work, managing my schoolwork with extracurriculars, and about how to really buckle down and get things done. Those skills have helped me a lot in life.
BUT, if my parents had told me that they couldn’t afford all the tournaments, the flying to nationals, it wouldn’t have killed me. Eventually I realized that I didn’t want to do competitive martial arts any more, so I stopped. Is there a chance that Gresham will grow up to be Tim Tebow? Yes. Is that the likely scenario? No. So whatever you decide, don’t think of it as ruining a dream.
The only thing that would have been devastating to me is if I couldn’t have participated in the sport that I loved at all. All the extras, they weren’t nearly as important as just getting to go do what I loved to do, no matter what level that was.
Jason says:
My son Dale wants to be a meteorologist so I used some contacts from my broadcasting days to get him into a few TV stations to see how the guys there create the forecasts from the ground up. He loved every minute of it and actually thought the “on TV” part was the least exciting part of predicting the weather.
Jenn says:
What a great, thought-provoking post. We are just in the beginning stages of this. My son, who is five, has been in love with baseball since he was two. When he was three (THREE!) people began telling us we should go ahead and put him on a team.
We waited until this year and put him in tee-ball (which he despised at first since he’s been hitting balls out of the air for over two years). But he got over the tee, and he has really learned a lot about the discipline of the game, how to be on a team and how to listen to a coach.
I think if you give your kids a chance, they will show you what they love. Our almost three-year old daughter loves to dance. She can’t sit still if there is music playing. She begs to get out of her chair at meal times if a song she likes comes on. So in the fall we are going to let her start taking dance and see how she likes it.
Our big thing is that we don’t want our kids to ever be overbooked or resentful of activities they used to love. So our plan is to limit sports/activities to one at a time.
I do think there is something special about being part of a team (or band/choir/group, etc) that gives you camaraderie and discipline that is different from just hanging out with friends. My husband ran track and cross-country in high school and college, and his former teammates are still some of his dearest friends. And his hs track coach was one of the greatest influences on his life.
Christine says:
I was reading along, feeling your dilemma deeply, and then I got to the sentence about the wedgie. I had to laugh out loud and couldn’t stop, which brought my 9-, 7-, 4-, and 2-year-olds running to the computer, trying to figure out what was so funny.
Thankfully, I got out of explaining what a wedgie is!
My 9-year-old is obsessed with birds, insects, amphibians and reptiles, depending on what time of year it is. He reads field guides like they’re engrossing novels. I am grateful that his interests draw him closer to God, rather than further away. He is amazed at God’s design and all the variation and beauty.
My task is to pray that he can balance his interests in nature watching (which involves a lot of leisure time), with the burden of supporting his family someday. He has ADHD and OCD and can be very obsessive. We are steering him toward forest ranger-type fields, and have also mentioned writing for nature magazines and taking up nature photography, and writing nature books for children.
Train them up in the way they should go is not easy to figure out. Making sure Bible and prayer and worship and service is a part of their lives is easy, but what about steering boys (or girls, if necessary) toward making a living someday? God gives talent and passion, and it makes sense that our lives should steer toward where those talents take us.
In light of that, I don’t know what I’d do if my boys’ (or girls’) talents could lead to injury. I guess we have to ask, is the danger worse than driving a car everyday to the workplace? I find it very hard sometimes not to overprotect. I have to remind myself that they are His, not mine. And even if an injury changed their lives forever, God is still big enough, good enough, and full of grace.
I do think any talent or strength could lead to lack of humility. We have to constantly remind each other that we don’t accomplish anything outside of Him.
One of Sally Clarkson’s (www.itakejoy.com) sons loves acting and went to Hollywood to try and find work. It was scary for her and lots of people told her she shouldn’t let him go, but his faith remains strong and she is not sorry. Acting isn’t physically dangerous like football, but success in it carries the danger of being worshiped and glorified.
Could you do a post sometime on the theology of training our children in the way they should go? I assume it means more than just raising them up in the faith? Or maybe not?
Lindsay says:
She’s four. She speaks with the eloquence, insight, and passion of kids three times her age. She sits in on our adult Bible studies and gives incredibly thought-provoking comments and feedback. She has developed her own routine for quiet time with God before she comes out of her bedroom in the morning. We didn’t even know she was doing it until she mentioned it off-handedly one afternoon.
She has presence and commands attention. She’s got the “it” factor. She loves to sing and dance and be in the spotlight…and she’s kinda good at it.
I’m so glad she’s only four. We’ve got a couple of years to figure this out. I have a feeling we’ll stumble and fumble our way through this gig called parenting, but I trust in her Father who will have her back through it all. I’m trying to live that as well as I can speak it.
(I’ll be praying for you all as you navigate this decision.)
Rachel says:
My oldest is convinced that he will be a major league baseball player when he grows up. He’s already talking about how he’ll go to college first so he can have more experience before going into the bigs. And he’s already convinced that he’s going to the college I did on a baseball scholarship. Did I mention he’s 10?
We have a one activity rule. Each person in the house can do one activity outside of school and normal family things (church, etc). The boys (all 3 of them!) choose baseball. So that’s what they do. And our whole family goes to support each other. The only time you will not see our whole family at the ballpark together is if one has practice or a game at the same time.
But we don’t play year round. A dad on my son’s team was shocked that we’re not doing summer ball. I just explained it as “we need a break” and he thought that was a flimsy excuse. But he has one son playing ball – I have three! Yes, my son could do well in the summer league – it’s much more competitive and I know he would fit in well. But with that comes more practices and more games and more pressure. Which I don’t want to get into because I have the rest of the family to look out for as well.
So we do fall ball and spring ball and enjoy eating dinner as a family at a normal hour the rest of the year. This might change as my kids get older, but for now, it’s what we do.
Krissy says:
My middle daughter wants to be a famous singer. Not just a singer, but a famous singer. And she’s talented. A family friend pays for her to take lessons, which she has been doing for four years. I love it. I love her passion. I totally support it. And yes, it scares me–a lot–to think of the possibility of her actually making it big some day. On another, similar, note, I am a “second mom” to a young man who just graduated from high school and is now at UT (TN, I clarify, since UT for me means Texas first) to play football. He was heavily recruited, had offers from about 30 schools. If he doesn’t get injured, all signs point to an NFL future for him. And that scares me, too. With him, as with my daughter, I have to support what is a true passion. And I tell him over and over that his WORTH does not come from his success or failure at football. He has already experienced people asking him for his autograph, and people publicly hating him, for no real reason. I tell him that neither–the “love” or the “hate”–are really about HIM. I tell him that his identity and his worth are in Jesus, and the rest should just roll off him like water off a duck’s back. But it’s tough. How does a young person handle that kind of public attention? It most often doesn’t go very well for them, does it? I’m hoping that my saying the same things over and over–and praying about them a lot–will help.
RaD says:
If it were our family and we had that many concerns, we pray about it, both individually and with each other. He is only eight, so ultimately it is up to you and your wife to have the final say and he needs to understand that. However, being eight it is time for him to be included in some decisions.
Our boy does baseball and drums. He knows to excel at anything takes time and practice. We’ve watched and played and encouraged him in these areas. These are things he loves. He is no all star, no budding artist, but he plays hard and with passion to get better. He’s learned that God and church come first, family next, school and then sports/music. That being said in baseball he is part of a team. He has a commitment there as well. We’ve skipped games due to commitments at church. Skipped school events due to baseball games. Had dinner on the fly because of late night games.
We wouldn’t trade it for anything. He’s learned that hard work and perserverance pay off as he improves. He’s worked harder at school to be able to do the things he loves. AND we’ve prayed that he and we could be a witness to the others around us at the ball fields. We’ve been told on each team that he’s been a part of that he is different, a great kid, respectful, encouraging to the others (some days I wonder, where’s this kid at home? Kidding). We pray over him, for him, he prays for his teammates, his coaches, his teachers. We have learned so much from his experiences and ours.
Yes, there are sacrifices. Yes, there is risk (and I realize there is a HUGE difference between baseball and football, but still, the last two years our boy has been a ball magnet and getting hit with a hard ball in the elbow or knee is no joke). Yes, there is money involved. Yes, there are other members of the family to consider. But I wouldn’t trade it for the lessons we’ve all learned together, and how he’s grown as a person and learned to be more disciplined, focused, driven.
Oh, and our boy is nine.
All this to say, you’ll never know until you experience it if it will be a positive experience for your family or not. If you do, be prepared to juggle, to invest a little more one on one time with the other two, to plan out meals/family days/trips ahead of time. Be prepared for a tired child adjusting to a new schedule. Encourage a positive attitude, looking to the interests of others, always. Be prepared to pray, pray, pray and turn him loose and trust God that he’s going to learn from his team experiences and so are you.
Jabber Jaws says:
Excellent timing! I am a divorced Mom with 4 kids and of course, I have the next Pele (who knows if I spelled that correctly – my son is the sports one. Me – a good liberal arts girl). He plays a tremendous amount of soccer. I’m talking 14 hours a week during the school year and 20 -30 in the summer. In Texas. Think on that for crazy passion. Anyway, he is ten and we set some ground rules because this became more than I bargained for. Here goes:
1. Heart and grades come first. We will take him out if it needs to be readjusted. Also, I safeguard two weeks every summer – church camp and family vacation. Those are nonnegotiables.
2. We, the family, don’t attend every event. Yes, this means he plays soccer and doesn’t always have an entire cheering section. It means we don’t hang on every minute of it. It isn’t the focus of our family. We talk about it. We watch SOME and we make it available to him. But, it is an activity not an identity.
3. We do support and encourage. I make sure someone watches him play at least one game each weekend – he typically plays three.
4. Gear and equipment are his – he is the manager of his sport. He is very responisble after having to buy replacements. Other parents carry their kids stuff. No judgment. I just want him to own this. And, the extra expense of it – he asks for it for Christmas or birthday. That’s how I know his passion for it.
As for the other kids, my soccer player falls in the middle. No one minds the time and energy so far. Everyone else has “stuck” with the house theme – one individual activity. with a once per week commitment So, I have a dancer and gymanst and a 4 year old (yes, I am praying for a nerd — they have cool competitions too). So far, I’m grateful that he is in the world of super competitive sports. I like the traits it is developing in him. But, it is more than I ever thought we would do – more financially, more emotionally, etc. So far, so good.
BUT, he is trying out next month for some fancy schindig soccer thing. How about I tell you at the end of the season if he is still playing? I’m up for it for one season, time will show if it is longer than that.
jen says:
Oh, I can’t wait to read these comments! Just this morning, I stood on the playground with another mom, discussing the pros and cons of select soccer. One of her girls plays; one of mine is reaching the “age of recruitment,” and, like you said, it’s a hard call!
JessicaB says:
I would feel the exact same way as you.
As an unschooler, I do appreciate the learning involved with having the freedom to totally immerse yourself in a passion – to the exclusion of other activities even. But I would have a hard time respecting it if that passion turned out to be a sport.
Although, my brother in law (who just graduated high school) has focused on nothing but soccer is whole life. His only goal to be a pro. And he’s turned out to be a remarkably balanced and mature young man. Of course, he was an MK and grew up in west africa. I guess that helps him keep things in perspective…
My 10 year old is a writer. She’ll spend full days typing up books. And when she’s not writing, she’s reading. Perhaps it’s wrong that I find that perfectly acceptable but would be concerned if she only wanted to play basketball all day.
Oh well. I never claimed to be perfect.
P.S. I think band member Shaun and chorus member Jessica could have been besties.
Megan @ Faith Like Mustard says:
I think it’s people like us–the “artsy fartzy” crowd–who struggle the most with sports. I get frustrated by what seems to be the “it makes the world go round” mentality of the world. My husband–the former HS athlete–doesn’t understand the chip on my shoulder b/c he views athletics as being something that provided him with camaraderie and self-discipline, not to mention plain ol’ fun. I’m starting to get a more healthy appreciation for sports. There really are benefits to teamwork whether in band or baseball. Plus, I like my kids to stay active and healthy, so if team sports does that for them, I’m for it (as long as it doesn’t become the thing that “makes the world go round” in their lives).
Kristy K says:
My oldest is 9 and is an amazing artist. Amazing…. like four first place ribbons at the county fair last year and several more projects entered this year. We make photo books of his art projects and have entered him in a few contests. Tomorrow, we’re taking him to his first drawing session with a local cartoonist. I don’t know how long it will last, but like you, we’ll try it until it becomes too much for the rest of our family’s well being.
My 7-year-old daughter just started piano lessons last fall. She likes it and wants to keep doing it. We told her that as long as she practices, we will pay for her to take the lessons.
My youngest is 4 and will most likely be good at everything… we just haven’t seen what he’s capable of yet (unless you count the acrobatics of jumping off the swingset and out of trees).
So far, none of their activities have infringed on anyone else’s and they’ve been okay with school work, family time, devotions, etc… We’ll see, I guess.
Good job Gresham! I love to see kids who WANT to be outside getting dirty!
Melissa Cable says:
We are so in this world too, just had a long conversation about this yesterday. A couple of years ago my husband and I sat down and wrote down the core values of our family. Ours were family, church, relationships, service. So from these core values we make our time commitment decisions. We are not creative people, not civic people, not into the arts much or sports for that matter, so those might be on other’s lists. But I’m starting to wonder, what if what God has laid on my heart and has gifted me for, are different then what he is designing my kids for. My son begged to do cubscouts this year, it was a year long commitment and so not my thing. And what if he wants to dive into violin, again, endless ours of music practice, not my thing. So all this to say who knows. I think when they pick things that line up with what we are already bent towards we get excited, but when it is other things, we put on the brakes. Man, parenting is tough, how to raise someone who is a part of a family and going the same direction as the family, but will also be in individual out in the world someday with a potentially different mission field with different gifts. Good post!
Beth says:
We have 4 children, all with different interests and passions. Our son was mildly interested in sports and we let him participate in those he chose. All three of our daughters took TaeKwonDo through first degree black belt. They started at 11, 8 and 5 respectively. It was a great sport for them and I feel confident that they can take care of themselves if necessary and yet, have NEVER used it outside class or competition.
Our youngest is the only one who plays a sport now. She plays hockey! Yes, hockey (not the field variety either). Of course we live in ND, so what else is the family to do during the 9 months of winter here? She started at age 8 (she’s 12 now) and is getting ready to start her 5th season. She plays a regular season which typically consists of two practices a week and 2 to 3 games on weekends, plus 4 tournaments or so. This runs from October through March including pre-season camp.
She attends one week long camp each summer and for the first time this year, asked to train on a weekly basis at the Hockey Academy. There she spends 30 minutes on the treadmill (with skates) and 30 minutes of dryland training; one on one with a coach. She’s made incredible strides and it has increased her confidence immensely. She also desired a more intense camp for this year so we looked around and chose one with a good balance of ice time and other recreational activities and such. She can hardly wait!
We do spend a lot of time, money, and energy on this sport, that’s for sure. However, our whole family loves and benefits from it in some way. We love watching her play and cheering her team on. We go to tournaments together sometimes and that allows us to get away as a family. We’ve all grown to love the game so much that we attend our university’s hockey games faithfully and are very avid (read obsessed) fans.
Before the start of each season, we talk about whether she wants to continue, and why. This year, she said she wanted to spend some time in prayer to make sure that’s what God wanted too. She was uncertain about the ever increasing pressure of competitive hockey since her age level now competes on a state level. “Make sure you do your best, and have fun” is what we always tell her. She does both, well.
It’s hard to know what’s right and we’ve struggled with these decisions too. Hockey is an expensive sport and we struggle with the money spent on that vs. what we could do for others, etc. There is a balance in all of that though.
She LOVES hockey, but she’s also a very good student, is a talented and passionate clarinet player, and continues to grow and develop as a Christian as well.
Beth
Beth says:
I also forgot to mention we did Scouting with our son from Kindergarten through age 20; and our family was extensively involved in the BSA throughout. So much so that my girls wanted to be Boy Scouts too. They hated Girl Scouts because there wasn’t enough “adventure” for them.
Our oldest daughter starts college this fall, our next one is a HS sophomore with a passion and talent for art and writing; and she reads an average of 5 novels a week.
Christine says:
We’re taking the ostrich approach. My girls are 5 & 7. Thus far we’ve had one (relatively dismal) season of soccer for older sister and that’s it. I listen to families in our (church affiliated) school talk all the time about why they can’t come to church regularly on Sundays because of (insert-child’s-life-hijacking-activity/ies here) and I get stubborn and refuse to even engage. Church and family come first for both my husband and I and that’s the type of behavior we’re trying to model for our children. But we have other interests too, so the question really is, how do we work in those other interests around the other priorities and eventually, work in the girls’ interests too?
Neither daughter has shown anywhere near the drive and excitement about an activity as your boy has. Is that because they just haven’t hit on their “it” yet or because we haven’t encouraged them into something? I’m not sure. But we aren’t even involved in an “it” yet and I refuse to allow our lives to be overtaken by that kind of competitive activity. Where 7-year-old softball players have personal coaches and are on college program mailing lists, as I discovered this morning at the end-of-school picnic chatting with the moms (sighh…). I want my kids to pour that kind of energy into the things that will still be serving them well when they’re 20 years past Olympic team age, which is virtually guaranteed never to happen anyway. My brother and I had great experiences with our activities as kids. Sports (incl. football) for him and music and academics for me. We were both good enough to attract a (very) small amount of attention but nothing even remotely like what I see happening to kids “these days” (I’m 40, he’s 37). Is it even possible to “just do” soccer or softball or dance or gymnastics or performing arts without an eye to the scholarship or massive attention you hope to gain from it? I know on one level it is…99.9% of the kids in any of those activities are just casual participants, trying it on for size. The problem is that each of those activities is rife with parents who see their kid as the next prodigy or superstar, parents who ratchet it up to the next level of competiveness by screaming at refs and whatever the equivalent to that is on the tutu circuit. I’ve watched it happen vicariously as friends have negotiated all this before us. There is one family we worship with whose son almost refused a baseball scholarship to go be a missionary. At the Christian college he’ll attend, he can do both. My intention is to pick their brains about how to strike the balance b/c from where I stand, they’ve done it beautifully with both their kids-their daughter is in musical theater. Thus far, all we’ve come up with for our family is the ostrich approach. Hopefully, we’ll have something more constructive when our girlies find their “it” and we have to do something more than walk around with fingers in our ears saying “LALALALALALA”…..
Princess Leia says:
I fear soccer. I’ve seen it absolutely consume the lives of numerous young people at our church because there’s no soccer “season.” There’s some type to be played year-round. Once one league ends, another begins. I fear ever even getting anywhere near that sport.
Hubs LOVED soccer growing up and wants the kids to get to play sometime. I’d be ok with baseball (what I played (one summer) growing up).
But we both just have an expectation that our kids will be musically-inclined.
Right now though (son-4.5, daughter-2.5, daughter-3 mo), the only “passion” we have to deal with is for trains – which our son shares with his father, so it’s encouraging family time rather than discouraging it.
Mostly I fear making sure that it’s _their_ passion and not mine (or something I didn’t do as a child, but always wanted to).
Sara @ Happy Brown House says:
I don’t want to begrudge our kids the chance at fun, but I am praying for balance & boundaries. I also don’t want my kids to be over-scheduled and cause stress. Ultimately, if an activity takes away from our church time, we’re out. By the way, Jonah was hitting off of pitches at 16-18 months.
Larry Hehn says:
While I played hockey and baseball, none of our kids have been interested in sports. Our daughter is an avid photographer. Our oldest son is a guitarist. Our middle son is into musical theater, and our youngest son is a drummer. There are lots of drives to rehearsals and gigs, but at least no worries about debilitating injuries!
Karen says:
I agree with Sara! it is about balance and boundaries! May you guys KNOW what is best for YOUR family!
Beth says:
I don’t have kids yet, but I appreciate you sharing these thoughts, Shaun. I feel like I learned much from reading your post and the resulting comments. Thank you- I appreciate learning from your struggle and seeing your heart in it. It will cause me to ask good questions for my family I wouldn’t have thought of when I face similar issues with my children. Thank you!
Happy Geek says:
I had to laugh at the question because my husband and i have been discussing ways to help change our son’s passion and focus.
He’s six and obsessed with movies.
Always has been, even though screen time is severely curtailed in this house.
Movies are basically all he ever talks about. Which basically means we are raising us a couch potato.
And we are so proud.
So, we are redirecting. Introducing new activities and hobbies. We not only limit screen time, but the time he is allowed to talk about them and make him talk about other things as well.
We have enrolled him in choirs and as he gets older will be exposing him to acting as well, not necessarily as a career path but as a creative outlet.
And we are praying for our son’s heart. That it’s biggest passion would become Jesus and that he would be used by Him in a powerful and positive way right now and as he grows older.
Shaun Groves says:
I had a friend like that growing up. Today he oversees a team that creates title sequences for little films like Spiderman ; ) So, you never know.
Happy Geek says:
That’s encouraging, because I sometimes worry he’ll be living in my basement at 35 as currently he just wants to work at the theatre running the projector when he’s all grown.
That’s when I want to get all “Hour of Power” and encourage him to “Dream Big”.
Zoë says:
I think when your eldest has special needs your whole set of priorities changes, not just for him, but for any siblings too. For my son, my only hope is that he is happy. He will probably never sit exams, and is unlikely to live independently.
My girls are wonderful, the youngest is too bright for her own good and the middle child has a deep empathy for others. As long as they are happy and are aware of God’s love, I don’t care what else they achieve or don’t achieve. All I want is for them to recognise that life comes with responsibilities and to know that if you want something out of life, you have to work hard.
On the other hand, my son has the most precious gift and I am so proud to call him my son. He tries hard, every day, to understand the world, though mostly he still ends up baffled. And he will never lose his innocence. Someone once said to me that special kids are given to special parents and I think she’s right. I am thankful for my son and thankful for two lively, healthy, inquisitive girls. I just try to be glad for today, you know?
katie says:
I”ve been thinking about the same basic idea for the last month…and my kid is just 4…basic question: Am I raising her to be a servant or a god?
But I admit, I hadn’t thought through what the same problem would look like at age 8–or older–but it seems to be the same…on one hand, I want to let her do good things that she loves, that her friends do, that entertain her and on the other hand, I want to make sure that I’m not handicapping her for the Christian life of humility and sacrifice…sounds earth-shattering, but at 4, it’s small potatoes…does she really need to learn her bible verses and put her laundry in the hamper, set the table and pick up her toys? Does she really need a million dollars of playmobil people? wouldn’t she be happier if I let up and just let her have more toys, desserts, t.v. time, an all-afternoon pool play-date every day, every book she asks for…? Isn’t childhood the time to just let her be happy since being a grown-up is a bit hard?
now, to balance…my cousin was the 1st string goalie for the UNC Ladies’ Soccer Team–after years and years of missing Sunday worship, holidays, $6000 camps, plane tickets, practices, games etc–and had an awesome scholarship and is now in Medical School…Yay for the scholarship, but not sure about the rest of things…
…at least tell us what you end up deciding…
Ken Raney says:
Our job as parents is to help our children find their gift(s). We have raised 4 to adulthood. Spent countless hours at gyms, fields, concerts, debates, etc. Our oldest son broke every rule we had to limit his video game playing time until I realized that that was his gift from God. He now is a video game producer. There is NOTHING we could have done to keep him from his calling. Same thing happened to me. My Dad forbid me to buy another comic book. I ignored him. Now, I am an illustrator. Nothing my Dad did would have kept me from learning to draw from those comic books.
JessicaB says:
Like.
jennibell says:
Wow, Ken. Amazing way to look at (what some would call) obsessions. . .thank you for your comment.
Rhonda says:
This is something I pray about often. Not football and whether they should play or not, but about who God wants them to be and what choices I am supposed to make as a parent to be in line with what God is up to in my kids’ lives and in our family. I want my kids to love God and to want to make the choices that honor God. And I pray that every choice we make will be a part of forming that in my kids. We set a rule early on – only one activity at a time and only 2 per year (per kid). We’ve only played what they asked to play. We’ve played soccer, basketball and baseball, and my oldest wants to take horseback riding lessons. They’ve learned that neither of them likes soccer, they both like baseball, my youngest LOVES basketball, but basketball has too much running to be enjoyable for my oldest. But more importantly, they’re learning that when you make a commitment you follow through, you always give your best and the rest is up to God, relationship is more important than the game, and the activities are just the tool God uses to give us opportunity to be His light in the world. This hasn’t come from their coaches or the other kids, or the other parents, although we’ve been blessed to have some great coaches, team mates and their parents SOMETIMES. It’s come from us as parents being intentional about how we handle ourselves and how we use the opportunities God has given us to teach our kids.
My constant prayer is that God will make me more mindful of those opportunities because I fail so often in that area.
None of my kids feel called to be professional anything yet, so we don’t have to grapple with that when we make our choices. I know that God knows what their future holds and I try to take it one step at a time – following His leading and trusting that the way He leads will be exactly what my kids need for the future God has planned for them.
We just ended the baseball season and I’m really glad it’s over, but on the same hand I’m incredibly grateful for all the opportunities it ALWAYS gives us to minister to other people.
And I also know from my childhood experience that God may be using one path to grow us for something we wouldn’t even think about for ourselves. I was on the path to being a musical theatre star or professional jazz singer until God got ahold of my life. And He told me, “I gave you a gift and you have to choose whether you are going to use that gift to glorify Me or yourself.” That’s the day I started down the path to becomming a worship leader.
One day God is going to challenge my kids as to how they are going to LIVE. I pray that the prayer and work my husband and I are putting in now will help make that choice easier for them.
jennibell says:
We had to make this decision this year. We are not rich. We have four children. We want very much to have balance in our family life. But our oldest was growing out of the recreational soccer league (he’s 12). He’s homeschooled. He has a talent (like you, so we’ve been told) and a desire to play. He practices on his own a lot. We kept avoiding the travel league b/c of the imbalance we thought it would bring to our family. Then we read an article in Home Life where the Christian author wrote an article in favor of travel teams. And explained his Christian-father point-of-view. So we took the plunge this past spring. We didn’t miss an entire church service. Yes, he did end up having to give up his Wednesday night class but the Lord presented another (better!) opportunity for Bible study on Thursday mornings so that point — for us — was moot. It’s such a hard call. But, like your son, he loves it. We want him to have a goal and right now it’s to play HS and college soccer. He can’t do that w/out good coaching. As long as his grades don’t suffer and our family doesn’t suffer (lose time together, become too one-sided) we are going to continue with this. And seeking guidance from the Lord, which I’m sure is what you’re doing. . .I believe that article came across our path that cold, winter day for a reason. It’s hard, I know. Now our 7-yr-old (who possibly shows even more talent — ugh) wants to do this too. I hope we never stop re-evaluating, don’t get “lost” while in this parenting adventure, and not forget to consult Our Father in every decision. Thank you for this post and allowing all these comments. I am eating up the wisdom. . .which only comes through experience, huh?
Tracy Smith says:
Our oldest son is 13 and he has a passion for creating movies and graphic art type things on our iMac. At age 6, without us knowing, he tried to create his own website and he must have typed in his personal information without us knowing because a web designer contacted our home asking for “Pastor Smith.” Yes – he even gave himself the title of Pastor, like his Daddy. lol.
Although he would happily be on the computer all day, creating away, we try to encourage him to find ways to serve others and use his gifts/passions to promote the causes of Christ. As a result, he has created several movies about the needs of orphans, short term mission trip movies for our church, and other projects that ministries in our local church could use help on.
If he loved sports, esp. football, I’d be afraid of injury, but it would be an opportunity for me to entrust him to the one whom he belongs to. Being on a team that has high demands does seem to change a direction of a family’s life for a season but within that, there are countless open doors to be Christ to others: other parents, other children, coaches – the list really goes on.
It is often rare to see a young person play a sport so passionately and at the same time, be a humble encourager to others – but when I have witnessed it, it has been a powerful tool in the hands of God.
I am thankful that God gives us wisdom in decisions like this; and the grace to walk them out!
Tracy Smith says:
Shaun – my sincere apology for moving from answering your question to sharing my thoughts regarding what I’d do if my son liked football.
Allow me to start over:
1- my oldest son’s passion is to create iMovies and other graphic art projects on the computer.
2- we have equipped him by giving him the time, tools, programs, and help (from other people in this field). We have encouraged him by watching what he has created, giving him feedback, showing interest, and helping him to see how his creative abilities are a gift from God and can be used by God for His kingdom purposes.
3- His passion has dangers. My son is naturally shy and introspective and spending too much time with “things” verses people is not good for his soul or mind. Our iMac is in our kitchen so when he is working, he is in a public place as opposed to being closed off in his room. This is one way we can protect the amount of time he is spending as well as provide some oversight if he has to go online to research something.
We have four children, and like them, my husband and I have hearts that are prone to wander. Two questions we try to ask is: Who or what is my first love? and How can this passion/ability be used to honor Jesus by pointing others to him and not to us?
Alexandra says:
Wow. Seems like you’ve hit on a real issue here considering the number (and length) of responses.
My 11 yr old son has moved from one passion to another about every 2 years of his life, but while he is passionate about whatever it is, he really pours himself into it. He has ADD, so he has always struggled with school, and I’ve tried to use his passions as means to make schoolwork interesting. Most recently, he’s been passionate about soccer. We’re on a VERY limited budget, so any kind of league seemed to be out. We told him about the difficulties (money, time to take him to and from practices and games) and encouraged him to pray about it. He did… and God has provided 2 seasons for him so far. Someone paid for the registration. Someone else gave him uniforms. Someone else gave him cleats. He has learned a lot about soccer, about team work, about persistence, about hard work, about thankfulness (remembering to thank his dad for all the driving and the time) and about faith (how to pray, and to be open to any answer). I think it has been really good for him. I worry about the danger. We have no way to cover the cost of any type of injury. However, sports are not the only way kids get injured, and basically I have to put my trust in God.
It probably helps that I never got to take lessons in the things I wanted to learn – flute, voice, dancing – I never learned to swim well, or to ride a bike. So I’m all for having my kids learn to do all that they can, without it becoming overwhelming, of course.
Erin says:
My sister and I were having a conversation this week while we were at The Lake – with our own kids for the first time – about how we managed to turn out “ok.”
She was a phenomenal swimmer. I mean, phenomenal. National level times, record breaking times at 7 years old, Olympic hopeful for Sydney. Until she got injured and had two surgeries on her shoulder, plus a year of red shirting. She was never the same.
But here’s the other side: we didn’t have time to “get in trouble.” We both had our passions about the water: hers in the pool, mine at the end of a ski rope. We learned to “tolerate” the passions of our sister because meets were a family event and weekends were devoted to the boat. We didn’t need cell phones because our friends were with us. We didn’t care about our iPods because they don’t mix so well with water. Our parents never had to wonder what we were up to because their eyes were on us. If they weren’t looking, a coach was.
The pressure to exceed (not just excel) is demanding, and yes, kids are only kids for a little while. But the other side is that kids are only kids for a little while. One day the competition may be too stiff and the kid may choose another passion (I did). One day the travel may be too expensive (it was for my sister). When you consider how many 8 year olds play a sport and how many of those make any sort of pro team (or even a college team), I’m tempted to say “go for it” when they’re young.
The world is going to tell them “No” “You Can’t” “I won’t allow it” so often. I want my seven year-old to have all the “Yes” she can to the things she loves to do right now (within reason, of course).
Sports keep kids grounded and disciplined. Sports keep them “under control.” And sports keep them fit: physically, mentally, and sometimes even emotionally.
You’ll know when the time is right to say no. Until then, keep saying yes to his passions. Whatever they may be.
Kathleen O'Brien says:
If only all parents would discern and pray and sincerely try to raise Godly children. I applaud you and will pray as you discern what is the best course for you and your family. My son is 13 1/2 (a rising freshman) and an a gifted athlete. He is left handed which makes him something of a “commodity” for baseball coaches. (He pitches and plays outfield). His father and he have been “playing” every sport since he was one. He will tell you that he wants to be a professional baseball player and then maybe a minister. He is our only child. My spouse has played sports since he could walk and still plays basketball every week at the age of 51 and guuards guys half his age. He has been playing travel baseball since he was seven. He also loves and is gifted at basketball. It is a huge time commitment and a huge commitement of resources to allow our childrent to play competative sports at that level so young. I have always worried how much church he misses. That being said, it makes him a better student because our rules are “study” first. We also use it a teaching tool about character, commitment, playing fair, loving “the whole” more than yourself, doing your best, how to deal with losing and not always “starting’, earning playing time and how to “pick your teamates” up. He is in a discipleship group that thankfully meets during the week. I know he will be friends with the guys he has played baseball with since 7 for the rest of his life. I choked back tears as I dropped him off for high school basketball workouts this week and saw the varsity squad (who look like men) and wondered if he (jr. varsity and very small) would be hurt. He told told me “he loves every minute.” There are positives and negatives and you just have to pray hard. I have written several blogs about the “theology of baseball” and the spiritual lessons found in sports. It helps me sort it out. Prayers for you as you discern what is best. I do know when we pray and listen…the choice we make will always be right.