I probably won’t take a day off so I can walk you through a very bad day face-to-face. I probably won’t call you for help when the water heater goes out at my house and I’m 600 miles away on a bus. If I get depressed I won’t confide in you. If you die I won’t be at the funeral. If you say enough hurtful things to me I’ll delete you.
I have friends. You’re probably not one of them.
I joined Facebook long ago to better serve and connect with fans where they are. Back then all Facebook offered were personal profiles. So fans searched Facebook, found my personal profile and sent me friend requests until I hit Facebook’s 5,000 friend limit.
Then Facebook added “pages” for brands, musicians, organizations, etc. A page is like a profile except it’s “liked” not befriended. It’s for “fans,” not “friends.” I think a page is the more appropriate place to serve and communicate with fans. But some fans don’t see it that way.
That became clear this month when I began deleting “friends” from my personal profile, a few each day, and pointing them to my fan page where we can still connect. Oh, the betrayal some are feeling!
They don’t like how I’ve redefined our relationship.
Sherry Turkle has this to say about the differences between online and offline relations:
[When we] broaden the definition of community to include virtual spaces, [we] strip language of its meaning. If we start to call online spaces where we are with other people “communities,” it is easy to forget what that word used to mean. From its derivation, it literally means “to give among each other.”
Communities are constituted by physical proximity, shared concerns, real consequences, and common responsibilities. It’s members help each other in the most practical ways. On the lower east side of Manhattan, my great grandparents belonged to a block association rife with deep antagonisms. I grew up hearing stories about those times. There was envy, concern that one family was stealing from another. And yet these families took care of each other, helping each other when money was tight, when there was illness, when someone died. If one family was evicted, it boarded with a neighboring one. They buried each other. But what do we owe to each other in simulation? What real-life responsibilities do we have for those we friend [on-line]? Am I my avatar’s keeper?
–Alone Together p. 238, 239
Friendship, family, community – these relationships are supposed to be more resilient, more demanding, more personal than Facebook (or any other technology) can create and facilitate. God help us if our real-life face-to-face friendships, families and communities are as intermittent, shallow, fragile and self-centered as those we’ve constructed online.
You and I probably aren’t friends. And I don’t like the word “fan.” But until Facebook creates a space for “aquaintences”, well, I’ve got a page you can “like.”
JessicaB says:
No hard feelings, man.
But if you try to send me a friend request, I’m going to straight up point you toward my sad little fan page.
Snicker!
Mark says:
Have I made some true friends on-line? Yes I have. Not in the sense that they can physically help me out, but they are there for me if any way they can. Does that mean everyone I’ve met on-line is a true friend? No, it doesn’t.
I have been hurt when people I thought of as real life friends deleted me. But an artist? As long as I can “like” them, I don’t see the needs to be “friends” with them. It’s a shallow “friendship” at best.
Lindsee says:
Great post, Shaun. I’ve considered going through my friend list as well. Not that I will create a “fan” page, since I’m not offering anything for people to become a fan of, but I am certainly more careful at who I accept as a friend now. Especially since blog world has grown! Is it bad, if I’ve never met you, to just stay blog friends? Don’t think so.
Sarah says:
I “like” you Shaun! and you never accepted my “friend” request anyway! haha ๐ I know exactly what you’re saying though… I talk about this with my actual friends quite a bit… “facebook friend” and “friend” are 2 totally different things ๐
Sarah says:
oh and I can’t help but be transported back in time to my college days where having a “DTR” was all the rage… a “define the relationship” talk… you just had one of those on your blog! and it makes me laugh. But I understand why it’s necessary ๐
David Wells says:
Fanatic (aka: FAN) As per Webster’s 1828 Dictionary:
a) Pertaining to, or indicating, fanaticism; extravagant in opinions; ultra; unreasonable; excessively enthusiastic, especially on religious subjects; as, fanatic zeal; fanatic notions.
b) A person affected by excessive enthusiasm, particularly on religious subjects; one who indulges wild and extravagant notions of religion.
Maybe FB should give us a 3rd option (associates? acquaintances? in-laws?)
krisyoursis says:
I will gladly remain your FAN. Admittedly, many of your posts make me WANT to move to the cul-de-sac to hang out with your amazing wife and kids…but then, I guess I’d be Becky’s FRIEND instead of yours…and she’s not a Facebooker anyhow. ๐
This post sort of makes me want to de-friend about 100 people I went to high school with, but haven’t spoken to since…I think I’m just to, well–frankly, nosy, to do it, I suppose. ๐
Kristy K says:
I agree… I’d love to be Becky’s friend too… just so I can ask her where she got the jeans she loved so much last year :).
Amy D. says:
I thought it was Shaun that loved those jeans? LOL.
Shaun Groves says:
Funny you should mention them. She’s got ’em on for date night right now ; )
Awwwwyea.
Kelli says:
“Am I my avatar’s keeper?”
GREAT line and really great observations. There is a clear distinction between online community and true community and it can be easily lost. I certainly want to model and teach my own children what true community means because I think their generation is being set up for a very difficult time in relationship building. Thankfully I “Liked” you awhile ago so no hard feelings if I get the Facebook boot. Although I must confess I do hold out hope of someday meeting you and your sweet family in real life. ๐
[email protected] says:
Love to hit….”copy and paste”, but I won’t. I only have about 50 “fans” anyway….LOL!
But I hear ya…I think I liked your page…so I think we are communicating in the right place “virtually”.
well said!
Amy D. says:
Yep. After a while, the line between an acquaintance and a friend get blurred on Facebook. It got to the point where I was hurting people’s feelings, so I just let it all go. My FRIENDS know how to get in touch with me, and they have. The acquaintances are the same ones that never talked to me outside of FB anyway. Good for you for setting those boundaries, Shaun. ๐
Mr. Police Man says:
But Amy, dont’ you ever make new friends? Couldn’t this blog, or that FB page or last weeks twitter post be a starting block to a new friendship? Just curious?
Kim says:
It’s your page/profile/account so you can do whatever you want with it. You can’t control others’ perceptions of your actions. The whole thing seems a little silly to me. But why should you care?
Shaun Groves says:
Because everyone matters.
Lindsay says:
This simple statement is so profound. This is exactly how you live your life, both online and off. Thank you for that.
Jason says:
Well, I know I’m in the “barely an acquaintance” category but since we live near you I’d be happy to help out if you’re 600 miles away and the water heater goes out. That whole “love our brother” kind of thing. ๐
Melanie says:
Great post, and I completely agree! Everyone needs private space. Good for you…
Just send out a mass email to the unfriended:
“It’s not you, it’s me… Wait, no it IS you.”
๐
Sorry… couldn’t resist! ha ha!
Brad says:
It saddens me that this was something you had to deal with. Maybe that’s just the price of you being so darn likable. :^) I had to explain to a lady at our church why I didn’t accept her friend request the other day. I don’t friend that many folks and especially not women unless they are close family friends. I’ve been amazed at how many casual aquaintences expect you to “friend” them. Then again, I may just be anti-social.
Ruth says:
I “liked” you right away when asked, and will not be hurt when I am ruthlessly thrown out of your personal space. I may shed a tear and feel utterly disconnected and unpopular, but it is ok. I have a friend I can talk to about my feelings of rejection. ;o)
Beth says:
A completely understandable thing to do. I know I joke with you a lot about us being “friends,” and we are to a degree, but I don’t need to be one of your FB friends to know that.
sara varghese says:
ooo this stuff creeps me out. kudos to you. I agree with Kim somewhat. People do matter, but Shaun worship is sin- disconnect. Pretty soon this is going to sound patronizing to those of us who are “over it”, like you’ve got to guide all of us with misplaced emotions to the right path. As long as you’ve got it set in your mind who’s a friend and who isn’t…”press on soldier.” You made it clear what you want to do, nicely. That’s all that’s expected.
Kris says:
I’ve had to deal with this as a childcare worker. Some of my older school age kids want to friend me, but I feel very uncomfortable with that for so many reasons. I also don’t friend their parents.
It makes me appear to be uncaring, and that is hard to take because the exact opposite is true. Like you said way up there in a reply to another person’s comment, everyone matters. However, we do have to have boundaries.
cshell says:
FINE!
Alexia says:
I delete people all.the.time off of my facebook…some actually notice and re-friend request me – it’s kinda funny.
But, I’m glad you have a fan page now because I’ve always thought it a bit awkward to be someone’s friend when I’m really…not. I generally won’t friend an artist if I find out all they have is a personal page.
Michelle says:
You are so right, I just had this conversation with my teen saying if you dont know where they live , you cant call them for help, or actually hang out with them dont have them on your page..
Im still a sad fan though hahaha Your special, you have a gift, we learn, think and grow in our relationship with Christ by your stories and testimonies… and some just make us smile and laugh .. but thats what the fan page is for..
And if I died, it would be nice if you came to my funeral and sang some songs ..but you will there on CD!!
have a great day!!
misty says:
Great post!
I will remain your fan and am not at all offended by your whole FB thing. When I seen the post on FB my thought was “way to go”. I often think that I would like to dwindle my list down to my friends and family. It seems that now days every one expects you to ‘friend’ them on FB and if you don’t you are mean, anti-social, etc, etc. Kind of makes me want to delete my account. Of course, if I did that then I wouldn’t be able to be your fan on your page. ๐
Just my thoughts here…maybe the reason that some got mad is that b/c of your blog we ‘fans’ feel that we know you. You are open and transparent on your blog and that makes people connect with you. Makes people want to be your fan and your friend. I bet if they had your number they would call you if their water heater went out and they were 600 miles away from you. ๐
Beth says:
I have a “technical” question. Since I already “like” you fan page, do I actually have to “unfriend” you on your personal page so it can eventually be shut down properly? (I did do this BTW). I just want to make sure I’m not holding up the process or anything. I admit I have many friends on FB that I haven’t seen in years, but my FB friends are those people I see daily, are related to, or grew up with. I also friend many of my kid’s friends just to keep a watchful eye on what everyone’s up to. You, I just have to catch at shows.
If we make it to Bismarck, are you up for dinner or something if I at least bring my new, precious grandson along, or will you be to pushed for time? We’d love to hang out if you got the time. Shoot me an email or something.
Jesi Christiansen says:
Love the comments on community…it’s a key word in my life but I completely agree that my “facebook community” is not really a community for me, at least not the type that I can lean on in the hard times. In the past few months I’ve made sure to differentiate between my “fake” and “real” communities and invest in the people who really do know me.