Shaun Groves
We’re working with two agencies on our adoption. We’re adopting from Ethiopia through one, based in Texas. The other is local and handles what’s called the “home study.” Both agencies are taking us through hours of training on all things adoption and parenting related. Last night was our first class.
Kim, our teacher, passed out paper and pens and asked us to make a list. Make yours with me now.
First, write down the name of the most significant person in your life.
1. Becky
Write down your most important role.
2. Husband
Now, write down your greatest support group: Church, family, a friend…
3. Brian and Amy
Write down your heritage
4. American?
Next, write the word “knowledge.” This represents the information that gets you through the everyday tasks of your day.
5. Knowledge
Then, write down your favorite place.
6. Home
Write down “Cultural Information.” This represents everything you know about your culture.
7. Cultural Information
Now, write down “Resources.” This represents all your material possessions, everything you own that has worth.
8. Resources
Next, write down “Values.” This represents your faith, concepts of right and wrong, priorities, likes and dislikes…
9. Values
Last, write down the activity that brings you the most joy.
10. Hanging out talking & laughing with close friends
Now, which four things on this list could you live without? Mark through them now.
1. Becky
2. Husband
3. Brian and Amy
4. American?
5. Knowledge
6. Home
7. Cultural Information
8. Resources
9. Values
10. 10. Hanging out talking & laughing with close friends
Now, I promise everything will be OK. You will be just fine. Give up two more.
1. Becky
2. Husband
3. Brian and Amy
4. American?
5. Knowledge
6. Home
7. Cultural Information
8. Resources
9. Values
10. Hanging out talking & laughing with close friends
Now, I am the almighty social worker. Trust me. And give up two more.
I couldn’t. I couldn’t imagine life with any less than this.
I teared up a little. I was surprised at the deep sadness that gripped me. Beyond empathy. Beyond compassion. I think it was mourning.
I mourned all that the children I don’t yet know will give up to become my children.
Am I worthy of all this sacrifice? Is anyone?
rhonda says:
wow. my heart aches now.
MainlineMom aka Sarah says:
What a kick in the stomach. God is teaching me so much in this time while I wait on Him to bring my husband’s heart to a place open to adoption. I am now completely surrounded by friends and bloggers that have exposed the painful and sorrowful side of what I once thought was only a joyful and wonderful thing, the rescue of orphans. Keep sharing, please. Thanks.
seekingpastor says:
That is an interesting exercise–one that stirs the sould. And one that I would rather not do again. Wow.
Lisa-Jo @thegypsymama says:
Gut-punched.
Angie says:
Wow. Just. Wow.
That made me cry.
shayne says:
Man oh man. Thanks for sharing. What a powerful tool to help us see a glimpse of what these children go through.
Kat @ Inspired To Action says:
Woah.
Zee says:
wow… umm… *speechless*…
thanks for sharing.
Jason says:
Wow. That’s a kick in the gut.
Jemi says:
Wow.
We adopted a teen from foster care a little over a year ago. It’s easy to forget sometimes just how much she has given up, and not by choice.
Thank you for the very profound reminder.
Tara Livesay says:
teared up with you. powerful reminders. goosebumps. Thanks for sharing.
tara
Tj says:
whew. Hadn’t thought of it like that.
sara varghese says:
wow
btw, love the family pic
eenny,meeny,miney,moe and the family peacock
prolly don’t know you well enough to joke like that- so that was a throw out and hope it doesn’t hit me in the face comment
Amy @ My Friend Amy says:
Thanks Shaun, this was definitely eye opening.
Ken says:
Wow, that is a great exercise to give us just a small glimpse of what adoptive children give up.
But it is also a reminder of the opportunities that every family who has adopted or is thinking about adopting a child will be able to offer them.
kevin says:
Whoa. So that was intense. Not even sure what I’m thinking/feeling at this moment.
Deneen says:
This is all very true about adoption. My son (age 7 when he came home and now 10) and I talk about his past life in Haiti anytime we want. We talk about the friends and family he left and how we miss them. We talk about our recent return trip and the fun we had seeing his family. We have pictures around the house. He is proud of his Haitian heritage and we celebrate all the Haitian holidays along with the American ones. He is also very pround to be his Haitian mom’s oldest son. He loves his little brothers who are still in Haiti. We will never forget the lose my son suffered but we do remember fondly all of those people in Haiti that love him. We pray for our Haitian family every day.
I think it is important to recognize the loss your children have suffered and to be willing to talk about it honestly. To put yourself in their shoes and said you know what I miss Manmi Haitian. I miss the good spicy food. Let’s make some now. I really enjoyed when we went swimming in Haiti or whatever. Don’t bury the memories – keep them alive and talk openly and honestly.
Also keep a “Life Book” for your children. It will allow them to remember their past whenever they want to look at it. Sometimes it might make them happy, sometimes sad and sometimes it might result in lots of questions. It is all helpful in healing your child from their loss.
Robin @ Set Your Heart To Seek God says:
I praise and am impressed by the parents for their gift (and at times great sacrifice) to the child they adopted. Thank you for showing me the greater gift the child gives–their everything!
Thank you for writing today!
Deanna says:
We are taking adoption classes right now through our local Adoption through Foster Care agency. We did a similar activity, but they had us write down our biggest secret with a circle around it. We had to erase the circle and realize that it was now exposed and everyone knows! This fits in because a lot of the kids in the foster care system come from horrific backgrounds full of secrets they don’t want to share.
JD says:
We had a similar exercise in November for our adoption classes. They asked us to write one or two words about ourselves over the course of several questions… us, our family, what we have and love, our day-to-day life and our plans for the future…
Then, they made us tear it in half.
That’s what it’s like for many of these children, sometimes over and over and over again, until they get to the point where they struggle to know who they are, what their future holds, and they give up on plans. Gently, patiently, God helps adoptive parents put the broken pieces together in a beautiful masterpiece as healing takes place.
Every class had us coming home a beautiful wreck… and I’m grateful. It’s worth it.
ali @ an ordinary mom says:
“Every class had us coming home a beautiful wreck…” I love the way you phrased/described that! Very moving…
Carole Turner says:
Grasping it now is only a taste of how real it will become when you watch your child grieve, not even knowing how to process that pain or tell you in your language about the pain.
Our son was 6 when we brought him home two years ago. His parents had both died when he was a baby and he was being raised by his grandmother. He thought she was his mom.
I recommend counseling with a good adoption counselor who works with older orphans. and the book, The Connected Child, by Dr Karen Purvis. Amazing stuff.
God is good and after two years, I see a happy, well adjusted boy who has come far. And I see us, hos family, who have learned so much from this blessing. I pray everyday that I can be the best mom to him, his brother and sister and show them Jesus. They certainly show Him to me.
ali @ an ordinary mom says:
Wow, I wasn’t sure where it was going, with the listing, and then the taking away, whittling down the list, and then you put it in terms of what an adoptive child gives up… that really was a powerful exercise. It’s amazing the impact a change in perspective brings…
This one is going to stick with me for a while, I can feel it…
Thank you.
Cheri says:
Wow – mind opening really! Wow.
Adam says:
Intriguing…really a different perspective.
debra parker says:
for real!
a great reminder as we parent.
Chris Kinsley says:
Wow. Thank you for posting this, Shaun. My wife and I are also walking through adopting from Ethiopia and using two agencies to do so. This provides a perspective I haven’t even considered yet. Humbling and heart-breaking. Thank you.
Jill Foley says:
This really puts it into a whole new perspective. Thank you so much for sharing this – obviously we’ve all been struck by this – I can tell by all the “wow” comments.
Kelli says:
That kind of took my breath away. I have never even thought about that before. Thanks for sharing.
Karen says:
I have to add my own wow! Am so moved by the personal stories of those who have adopted. I KNOW God is singing over you!
Mary says:
I’m rejoicing right along with you. We can always love more children! May God bless you richly! Love you, Mary
Erin says:
I had to read the last part twice to understand. And then I saw it. And my heart and stomach contracted. Oh. My.
Amy Nabors says:
So moved by this. As an adoptive mom I have thought about what our son even though adopted at birth will one day realize he gave up to be our son. I do know this. He has given us so much more than I ever imagined.
Kellie says:
Wow. That is rough. Tough to think about.
Kim says:
What an insightful and honest social worker! And the exercise worked – you get it, what it’s going to cost your future child! Of course, God will work and bring about blessings as well, but when he/she/they grieve(s), you will GET why. I am really impressed.
JD says:
Shaun, I was thinking about your family and your adoption journey today on my home from work, and I couldn’t help but think of the conversation you had with the children in Africa about black and white being beautiful like zebras… you’re going to have a very zebra-beautiful family 🙂
Beth says:
Wow. I’d never thought of it from that perspective before. We can only trust that what they are giving up will be far outweighed by what you all will gain as a family.
Beth
alice english says:
Thank you for sharing. All the comments are great! How could we have known. We think as small children they might not remember.
For me as an adoptive child since six weeks, it explains a lot!
Even though I had the best parents who showed me who Jesus is, I struggled as a kid and teen (more internally) to figure out who I was. I know that when people would ask what I knew about my parents and all I was able to tell them was my mom was a student in college and it was 1960. (that would explain most of it)
Thankfully God knew me before I was born and planned who he would choose to give me to!
My father was in the military and so I had to make new friends every 3 to 4 years and that may at the time made it harder to understand who I was. Today God has made it very clear to me! He blessed me with five beautiful caring children and a deep desire to love on anyone else’s kids. I have often wondered if there is an age limit for the parent, even if they were adopting an older child?
Thanks again for sharing! Alice
JessicaB says:
Like everyone else, I have always thought of adoption in terms of what the child is getting, not what they’re giving up. Interesting.
Light says:
The Lord is really using this journey of your growing family’s mightily. Thanks so very much for sharing.
MrsRitz says:
We are in the process of becoming foster parents right now and I went to a training about how children process grief and loss. The trainer stated that every time a child is removed from a home they experience “10 losses”. very similar to this exercise. Then she told us that the typical child in foster care will be moved at least 4 times… 40 losses.
heart breaking.
So glad we have a God who mends what has been torn.
Michelle Newman says:
Powerful. Kudos to your adoption agency.
Tonya says:
Wow — what a powerful way of demonstrating the loss inherent in adoption. We have two adopted kids — a 6 year old and a 3 1/2 year old. The younger one doesn’t really understand adoption yet, although he can spout all the words. But my daughter — the 6 year old — definitely “gets” what adoption means and she is mourning the loss of her birth family and the connections that might have been.
Kristen says:
Yes, it is like a mourning. For us, watching the process of our child losing all of it, once we had come to love him and finally brought him home, was a deeply painful process. But to answer your question, I do believe that a loving family is worth it.
jen says:
My two cents: that may be the most important/best exercise you do in all your hours of training and preparation! While it is helpful to learn what to do and what to say, starting with empathy helps with everything else.
That said, three years in and I DO think it is worth it, and I think my children would say the same thing. I think they would say that their greatest treasure outside of the Lord is growing up loved, in a family. (Because at least one of them remembers what it is to do without.)
Christian College student says:
I was adopted when I was about one year old and heve never been able to create my own identity. I am still trying but am struggling mightily. The lady who I have always called mom refuses to admit that I might have a personality of my own as I have lived my life always trying to make and keep everyone around me happy, and so always did what I was told as soon as I was told exactly the way I was told to do what ever the task mihgt be. Now I am in college and she is still trying to force me to do things her way rather thatn allow me to try and become my own person with my own dreams and my own identity. Please pray for me and make sure that you don’t cause this same pain in the life of another child.
Oh by the way I am a child with disabillites. My disabillities are aspergers syndrome and nonverbal learning disabillity. These disabillities of mine just seem to compound and complicate each and every problem in my life including the one mentioned above.
Again I ask for prayer thank you in advance. May he who lies in us guide us and may his will be done not ours or anyone elses. Amen.
Shaun Groves says:
Praying.
Holly says:
I knew right away what was coming though we have had homestudies done 3 times, we have never had an assignment like that. I truly wish that ALL homestudy and adoption agencies required such reflective studies for parents. The sad reality is that so many people enter into the adoption process either to become parents and fill a void in their lives (and are so enamored with their dreams that they don’t consider the pain that comes with adoption) or with the mentality that they want to do something good and “rescue” a child in need never considering that many times the children are unaware that they need to be rescued! There truly are situations where adoption really is a rescuing and I have seen it with my own eyes…children near death adopted and cared for who are now thriving but would never have survived if not adopted. However, when parents have a rescue mentality, they often view themselves as the rescuers and when their new child doesn’t respond with gratitude and joy they wonder what went wrong. It is so so important for us to remember that adoption ALWAYS involves loss. We want to focus on the happy sunshiney moments but there are the dark clouds and downpour moments as well. I am a huge advocate for the adoption of waiting children, especially those labeled with special needs and wish that all parents were educated about the losses and possible emotions and behaviors that they might encounter with their new child. Thanks for sharing this…it was very insightful!
Laura says:
Thanks for sharing. We are in the process of adopting from Uganda. We are awaiting CIS approval and then will wait on a referral. As I wait, I struggle to know what to pray for my future children, because what I want most for them is to be loved and cared for by their birth mother and to grow up surrounded by a family and culture that values them. Yet, we wait to see what God is doing on both sides of the globe…
Rachel says:
wow. heartbreaking. thank you for another insight into the heart of the almost 5 year old that we will SOON be bringing home from Ethiopia. He’s leaving EVERYTHING behind.
Gayla says:
Really beautiful, Shaun. Permission to repost?
Linds says:
Thank you for sharing. We did this same exercise for our training class as well. Very impactful. Thank you for the reminder
Shonda says:
Ahhh, this post brought back so many memories of our pre-adoption training. It is a humbling moment for sure, but just the beginning in this heartbreaking journey.
Anne says:
AS an adoptive mom of three, I have been through those classes and learned so much from them. I do remember this exercise and it has stuck with me and I do not think I’ll ever forget it. My children still grieve and will always to a point, grieve for their birth family. My husband is also adopted so he is well equpped to validate their feelings and help them work through it.
Blessing to you, Shaun.
Jen Summers says:
Shaun,
Yes. It is worth it. My nine adopted children say it is so. It is so very true that they experience a huge amount of loss and grief over that loss. There is a brokenness that is gut-wrenching
and THEN, when God brings healing and redemption – oh, how amazing, how good, it is truly beyond all you could ever ask or imagine
when your 13 year old, who has experienced more loss than she should EVER face, and who has seemingly hated you for a year (because she has R.A.D.) looks into your eyes with tears and says “thank you mommy for adopting me. I’m SO glad you and daddy adopted me!,” and holds you tight and doesn’t let go. . . you know it is worth it.
Kevin D. Hendricks says:
Welcome to the pain of adoption, the side people don’t like to consider and don’t think of when they say things like “God bless you!” and remind adopted children how “lucky” they are.
It’s not an easy road, Shaun, but there is hope somewhere down that road.
So glad you and your family made the decision to take it. Congrats.
Anna says:
Was sent here from Owlhaven. Thank you for this post. It gripped my heart. i know all this in my head, yet feeling it inmy heart was completely different. Thank you for reminding me.
Tammy says:
Beautiful. I am a single foster parent. Exactly a month ago, B, an 8 year old boy moved into my home…we all have the hopes that I can adopt him as parental rights have been terminated.
B has had so much ripped from him: his family, his home(s), 2 foster families, his identity, his safety, his innocence. At times I am overwhelmed at what he has endured. B is the strongest person I have ever met. He brings so much joy to this home. He teaches me every day about God’s love and about life in general. In a very short time we have become a little family of two.
Always remember that exercise. When you decide to bring a child (that is not your birth child) into your home, it is easy to get what some people call “missionary syndrome” and commend yourself on what a wonderful thing you’ve done. And trust me, people will constantly stroke your ego unknowingly. They mean well, but it is so much more than “you are doing such an amazing thing”. And there will be times when you will think, “Stop telling me what a wonderful person I am! Can’t you see what a wonderful kid he/she is..even without me?!” But really…for real…it is SO worth it. I say several times a week, “I am pretty sure I am benefiting from this far more than he is.”
You will love, you will parent, you will nurture and teach…but you will have dark days. At times your heart will break…beyond what you thought it could be…embrace it…and as you heal, so will your little one. Stay encouraged. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride, but it is beautiful!
Julie says:
WOW! Thanks for sharing this side of adoption. These little ones have and will endure great pain, loss, and everything they’ve ever known will be taken away..and replaced with something new..different..foreign. I’m just so thankful that MY GOD, is their heavenly Father…that HE was with them in the beginning, and HE will be there with them in the end. That is one truth that has comforted my broken heart when I’ve looked at it from this point of view.
LOVE THIS POST! Keep sharing…all…the good…the hard…all of it!
Flower Patch Farmgirl says:
Oh, I wish every adoptive parent would read this post! I spend much time thinking about all that my children have given up to be a part of our family.
My favorite adoption quote: “Adoption is a collision of forfeit and gift”. – A Theory of Relativity, Jacquelyn Mitchard.
That quote sums it ALL up. Loss and gain.
Dona Wylie says:
Our son and daughter-in-law are in the process of adopting a little boy from Ethiopia. We are awaiting news of when they will be able to go and bring him “home”. We are so anxious to meet him and to welcome him into our family, but we have been aware of the awesome amount of loss that he will have already experienced in his little life and we have been praying daily that he will have a good transition into his new life. Our kids are thoughtful, compassionate people and I know that they will care for him with tenderness and respect for the life that he has already lived.
Thank you for this powerfully moving blog entry.
God’s blessings be with you and yours.
Ronnica says:
This is powerful and sobering. Thanks for sharing.
Jessica says:
I remember doing this when we were working on our license for foster care! That was one of the hardest things I have had to sit and think about. Now I have 3 amazing children in my home about to make the same sacrifices. They will soon be severed from their bio mom and dad and we are going to be working to take their place as parents. I see them through all their daily struggles with this but still can’t imagine what they are really going through.
Danielle Krammel says:
As an adopted child from Latin America I just wanted to say thank you for this post. I think the most healing thing I ever heard was at a Christian seminar about broken relationships – the speaker acknowledged (for the first time in my life) that from the child’s perspective adoption is not always a 100% wonderful, amazing, beautiful, joyful, or positive thing. She encouraged parents to simply acknowledge the pain that comes from having the parental relationship severed and to just talk about it. It amazed me that many parents had never ever thought about it that way. Most of them were there because their kids were going wayward or striving to be perfect. Being adopted can be very painful and it’s good to be able to acknowledge that pain w/ an adopted child.
Shelley says:
Yeah. I was right there with you when we had to fill out that list. It’s unspeakable. My kids are amazing. And this world is just too hard for words sometimes. Redemption is good but there is such pain in the tearing away.