Smoking Gun says some artists “earn” as much as $700,000 per concert.

Not exactly, since this is the alleged amount the artist is paid before he pays for management, booking agent, crew, video, sound, lights, publicity, transportation, skinny jeans, nerd glasses, etc.

And, well, then there’s pyro. You can’t express yourself artistically without pyro. Or a confetti cannon. Or both. And eye liner.

So I totally see how an artist with a high-production show could easily blow through their entire nightly fee just paying the bills. Except for that Jeff Dunham. One guy – I don’t care how talented – standing still for an hour with his hand up a Muppet’s backside gets paid $200,000? I’ve got hands. And I use both of them. And I stand still.

By the way, you can book me to sing or speak (sans pyro or confetti cannons) for free if you let me say a few words about Compassion International while I’m at it. Unless you want puppets. That’ll cost you $200,000. Ok. Ok. I’ll do it for $190,000, but that’s the best I can do.

Booking me is easy. Just go to shaungroves.com/booking or e-mail Ben.

And, seriously, thanks. Because of you guys, thousands of kids have been released from poverty in Jesus’ name over the last few years. Let’s do it again!