In the last year three of my musician friends have divorced. In the last ten years I know of three touring Christian musicians who’ve cheated on their wives…and got caught. And how many of us aren’t committing adultery but are cheating our spouse and kids of time and intimacy?
I get asked often how I protect my family from the road. I haven’t always done it well and I’m still not immune to mistakes. But Becky and I – together – have come up with a few ground rules that work well for us.
Never Alone
I often remind my road manager, Ben, that he’s not on the road primarily to run sound and set up a merchandise table. I pay him to protect my family.
He’s there not only to keep me from doing something stupid, but he’s there in case someone says I did something stupid. What would happen to my ministry, and possibly to my marriage, if someone claimed I said something inappropriate…or worse? Ben is accountability and insurance.
I learned the importance of this from Billy Graham, who has someone search his hotel room before he enters and doesn’t even go to the bathroom without an escort. As one mentor puts it, if you’re out taking territory away from the Enemy, he’s gonna fight back. Defend yourself.
Booking Together
Becky and I go over our calendar at least once each quarter, blocking dates and deciding how much I can be gone. We do this together.
She may have a sense that I don’t have about the needs of one of our kids, for example. She may feel that one of them is needing a bit more attention from me than usual, so we’ll lighten the schedule for the next month.
She may want to be in that Beth Moore study on Tuesday nights this quarter so I’ll make sure I’m home with the kids so that can happen.
We’ve got that parent/teacher conference, and the field trip I said I’d take them on, and the soccer game and…
Working together we can prevent a lot of missed opportunities to be a family.
Travel Cap
There’s no end to “great opportunity” – especially when you have a record label and manager. Every opportunity is pitched as one that can’t be missed. But you’ll have to miss some. Saying “no” is easier if you decide beforehand how many days you’ll spend away from your family this month, this quarter or this year.
Becky and I have a current cap of ten concerts/events per month. Counting travel time to and from, that means the most I can be gone from my house in a month is 15 days.
But also, we’ve decided that I will be home for as many days as I was just gone. For example, if I’m gone for four days, then when I return I will be home for four days before heading out again.
Lastly, the longest I can be gone is ten consecutive days for an overseas trip and four days for a U.S. trip.
What I Do & Why
Limiting travel days is easier now that I know what I do well and why I do it. I play music and speak to adults for the benefit of Compassion International.
I do not lead worship for youth groups. I do not spend a week at a camp. I do not act as interim pastor at a church.
I don’t care how many CDs you say I’ll sell at your church. I don’t care how much more you’re willing to pay me. I don’t care how pretty it is in your town, or how historic the venue, or how nice the people are, how killer the sound system, or what other more-famous people have done your conference.
If I can’t do what I do for the reasons I do it then I’m not doing it unless a burning bush in my front yard tells me otherwise.
This allows me to say “no” more easily.
Dating My Wife & Kids
Becky and I go out on a date at least twice every month, and for several hours. Nothing fancy. Just a meal, maybe a movie, maybe sitting in a bookstore reading and talking, seeing a play or grabbing desert and eating slowly.
Every Wednesday I hang out with my kids. We spend a couple hours doing school work then we eat sandwiches and stock the shelves at the food pantry for a couple hours. Then it’s back home to play games or we head out for a museum or a snack at the mall or the park or a skating rink.
No Surprises
I’ve learned the hard way to tell my kids when I’ll be leaving town and where I’ll be going at least a couple days before. I’ve made the mistake in the past of mentioning over breakfast that I’m heading out of town in an hour. Tears. Lots of tears.
So now, usually on that Wednesday together, I’ll tell them when I’m leaving and where I’ll be. We may even find it on a map together and make a plan to talk by phone while I’m away.
Involve
When I get home, at prayer time just before bed, I’ll tell the kids how many kids were sponsored while I was away. I’ll tell them about anybody I met who needs to be prayed for or any great stories people told me about how God used my concert or teaching to encourage or correct them. I often come home with names written in Sharpie on my hand so I remember to share what’s happened on the road with my kids.
I do this so they understand what it is I do – that I don’t leave home to go on vacation. And also to involve them further in our ministry through their prayers.
Marla Taviano says:
Oh, wow. That is really, really cool. I do some speaking stuff on a much smaller scale, and I’m going to take this advice to heart. I’m still at that I’ll-speak-on-anything point, but with the stuff God has burdened my heart with lately, I’m not sure how much longer that will last.
Thanks for sharing. Prayed for you and Becky just now.
JessicaB says:
Having been a military family so long, we’ve definitely seen a lot of unprotected families destroyed. But a few redeemed.
P.S. The last two paragraphs were my favorite.
Lindsay says:
Last two paragraphs…agreed! This is something all parents can (and should!) do with their children, whether we’re on the road or not. π
JessicaB says:
I have to admit, the 10 day overseas cap has me stumped though. But I’m sure you’ve come to that number in some logical or personal way.
Lindsay says:
I would imagine it has to do with the Compassion Bloggers trips. Perhaps that’s the average length of the trips?
Lindsay says:
π
David says:
There is lots of wisdom packed into your strategy. I’m encouraged by how you are willing to sacrifice income & additional exposure for the sake of your family. Good stuff bro!
Kristin says:
I appreciate the way you and your family are intentional about this. Thanks for sharing.
Angie says:
LOVE LOVE LOVE this.
Makeda says:
This was really great advice. Thank you so much for sharing.
jay sauser says:
superb! really like the not being alone part.
Princess Leia says:
Excellent “cones” for your life/ministry. Thanks for sharing them with us!
Anytime the wife and kids want to come visit their nation’s capitol (or Baltimore!), there’s a church I’ll do my best to book for you!
NancyTyler says:
I’ve always appreciated your “don’t be alone” coverage by Ben and road managers who have come before him. Seems to me if people who work in fan-based jobs like entertainment and politics don’t have some sort of iron-clad accountability system, it’s a matter of when, not if, a transgression or accusation of one will happen.
I’m pretty circumspect about my own reputation and purity and have some rules for myself with male friends–married ones in particular. I let them know early on in the friendship that I will never email or message them anything that they cannot turn around and forward to their wives or best friends/accountability partners. And I will not say anything on the phone to them that they could not turn on the speakerphone and have their wives hear along with them. I also have a female friend I’ve known since age 5 who has the authority in my life to quiz me at any time about how I’m behaving toward and thinking about any of my married male friends. And she does.
I’ve got other rules too, but I’ve said enough right there to be labeled a prude by most people. π Regardless–I’ve seen too many people I admire fall and by God’s grace, I want enough hedges around me so I don’t wander anywhere near the same cliffs.
Christine says:
That’s not prudish at all, Nancy! That’s wisdom! And ground rules that we should all keep in mind.
Michelle says:
I agree with Christine. These are very important ‘rules’. An unwritten one I have is ‘Be seen to be doing the right thing, not just doing it,’ especially in relationships with the opposite sex.
MainlineMom says:
Shaun, this is awesome. I’m so glad you shared this with us. My husband and I should probably make a little more effort to connect with our kids about our business travel.
Nicole @ Here's The Diehl says:
I love how intentional you are about including your kids in your ministry, since they can’t be with you to see how many lives are changed by what you’re out there doing!
Great advice for all married couples/parents about ways to protect your family. Thanks!
Katie says:
I like your “no surprises” rule. My dad rarely travels but that’s a lesson he learned the hard way, too. Make sure you keep applying that when they grow up. You have no idea how often I call home.
Katie: Can I talk to Dad?
Mom: He’s in Switzerland.
Katie: How long has be been there?
Mom: Two days.
Katie: When does he come home?
Mom: Two days.
Katie: When were you planning on telling me this?
I also wish I could hear all of the stories you come home with. π
Katie
Erin says:
Such an interesting tidbit on Billy Graham, too. I didn’t know that.
Kelly says:
Great example to everyone – musicians or just people that have to travel from time to time. Protecting your family is so much more important than any business deal or any amazing opportunity. In the end – besides Christ – it’s all that matters!
Kelli says:
In a society that glamorizes life on the road, I appreciate so much the integrity with which you are leading your family. It shows in your ministry, in your music and, though I don’t know your family, I imagine it shows in your wife and children. It is refreshing to see someone in a leadership position admit that integrity takes work and planning. We all need to live intentionally, whether we travel or stay at home. It’s so easy to think that we’re immune to temptation, but none of us are. Thanks for standing out from the crowd, even if it means you lose out on some opportunity.
amy in peru says:
please tell your wife how I admire her…
my husband travels a lot too (compared to the average anyway), and it is a huge responsibility to handle everything.
all the things you mentioned are super practical rules to live by. we live by pretty much the same set when we have to be apart regularly. I especially appreciate the pains you’ve taken to avoid even the ‘appearance’ of infidelity… that must be a huge reassurance for your wife! not that she wouldn’t trust YOU, but sometimes it IS difficult to trust strange women out there… I know, because my husband, well honestly, he’s just plain HOT and sometimes it is a temptation to worry about all the desperadas out there and all. But the care my husband takes in this whole area is HUGE for me π
it is SO healthy to have worked this all out, I’m sure it has been somewhat of a process that one comes upon through some trial and error… but for us, it has been SO worth the time and effort to figure out how best to work together to accomplish all God has for us to do!
π
thank you for your voice, and example!
amy in peru
kristie says:
I’m sure these standards make your family appreciate you all the more, and we all appreciate you (Becky, too!) for your example!
Steve says:
Great wisdom and executed well. Great ideas are just that, ideas. These things have to be lived out and you do it very well.
Megan says:
Just got back from 3 solid weeks on the road. Not music of course, but ministry. And the drain afterwards left me open to a bug, and in bed for days. Bob was gone a full week before me. In all of October, we spent 6 days together-4 of which I slept through. A bunch of frequent flyer miles doesn’t trade well for that many missed bedtimes even though the girls are teenagers and don’t admit to being tucked in. π
These are good guideposts. Thanks for being a good voice of sanity.
jen says:
Intentionality! Protection! Accountability! I love it!
While we live a very different kind of life, my husband and I also have a set of similar (but not the same out of necessity) “rules.” I am super thrilled to hear this kind of thing discussed by someone who is serving in a very visible place. Thank you for sharing and encouraging others to follow your lead in protecting their integrity and their families!
Ann Voskamp says:
You live wise.
And have a wise wife.
Thank you, Shaun and Becky.
Sarah says:
These are great thoughts & good principles for everyone. Ever heard the song “Lead Me” by Sanctus Real? Makes me think of the message of that song. Thanks for setting an example of putting your family above “artistry” and “fame”!
Sharon O says:
I really love your words. I grew up without a dad and missed it so much.
Letting them know they are MORE important than anything else ‘other than your wife’ is vital to who they become as adults. Your ministry is nothing if you have no family to go home to.
Ryan says:
Thanks for this!!! New “opportunities” have me traveling a it more than I used to. I am leaving on Wednesday for a 5 day trip only a state away, but already I feel anxious about being gone. I am being featured as a speaker, so it is a good thing, but your tips on involving and protecting my family while I am gone will be a great addition to my routine when I have to travel. Be blessed Shaun….
sara varghese says:
great post
Kim says:
If I canβt do what I do for the reasons I do it then Iβm not doing it unless a burning bush in my front yard tells me otherwise.
I love that! Saying no is hard for some of us, but this line has just brought into better focus the reason it is important to say no sometimes. If we are out doing something we AREN’T meant to do, it means we aren’t available to do the things we ARE meant to do. What sort of missed opportunities are we setting ourselves up for then?
[email protected] says:
Very wise boundaries, Shaun! The only other thing I could think of would be to load up the family and bring them with you……and, well, you just don’t seem like the Winnebago type π
Shaun Groves says:
I’ve asked Becky many times to try the Winnebago option but so far no dice.
The kids would miss their friends too much and Becky would miss her bed too much ; )
Mr. Police Man says:
I’m going to be more honest here than I’ve ever been. This is what I/we need in the public safety field. Friends who know what hurdles we run into each day who can concretly keep us and our marriages from harm. I’ve been there and it is no fun. Shaun, I praise God for having met you in person a few years ago in Calif. (with Brody) to see that you truely are like this.
I don’t know of you coming out with any new Cd’s but I’m in need of some new music and would like to support others in the business who protect themselves likewise. Suggestions?
911R says:
Thank you so much for sharing! I work around police officers (and am married to one) and even thought there’s not usually traveling, there’s ample time for some to visit ‘beat wives’ (women they visit while they are working their respective beats). Sometimes reading things like this helps me think outside the box to protect myself and my marriage. Thanks again, it’s great to know that people are still working towards a strong and faithful marriage!
nancytyler says:
Mr. Police Man and 911R, I’m been training in crisis ministry and am in classes with a lot of first responders who talk about the massive personal toll a career in public safety takes on their and their families’ lives. I now pray for first responders and their families whenever I hear a siren. Thank you for sacrificing yourselves, your family relationships, and your health and safety for us.