Thus The Bear Ate Kirk Cameron

It all happened in a rustic encampment somewhere in the woods. I slowly lifted a sliver of gray matter from the bear’s open skull and gently slid it into a slot in Kirk Cameron’s exposed brain.

Kirk was the first to undergo the surgery that guaranteed 100 years of life without cancer or Alzheimer’s – the two leading causes of death, according to our study.

Kirk was heavily sedated as my doctors placed a blue blue film over his brain before closing and sewing his head back together. The bear’s teeth were removed just in case he woke up early and angry. He snored under a blanket on a metal table beside Kirk’s bed.

Sometime later, when Kirk was all healed up, we stood by a lake together and talked about the revolutionary procedure. Kirk was curious, as was I, whether people would trade life of indeterminate length with the possibility of cancer and Alzheimer’s for a risky surgery that extended life to 100 years but not a day longer.

As we talked, Kirk stroked the fur of the sleeping bear, now laying at his feet on the grass.

Thus the bear woke up and ate Kirk Cameron.

In my dream I jumped into the water and hid under a dock and pondered the irony of Kirk’s premature death.