I’m a hippie without the hemp pants and the incense. But I could do the incense. I cannot do hemp pants. They make me feel like I should “Hammer Time.”
But that’s beside the point. And there is a point hidden beneath the surface of this post. I do promise.
We eat organic produce and don’t use pesticides and other chemicals on our yard. Because we don’t want cancer or a dead cat or an extra nipple. I don’t mind the extra nipple, actually, but Becky is strongly opposed. On us or the cat. She’s very anti-third tete. There’s a web site. Also, I’m in favor of dead cats. Marriage is made richer by difference.
Anyway.
We grow attempt to grow our own produce. We use compost and organic fertilizers. We hire exterminators who, I’m pretty sure, just spray mint and lavender body wash around the yard and call it done. And I pry weeds out of our lawn by hand. By freaking hand. By. Freaking. Hand.
Our convictions on chemical warfare force us to go to great lengths, spend a lot of time and money. Pro-life isn’t easy but it’s right.
Because chemicals don’t just kill what you’re aiming at. There’s collateral damage. They get into the ground water and pets ingest them and kids absorb through bare feet and they make their way into the garden and into the tomatoes and into my gut and into my fat tissue where they’re stored for years and years and I’m pretty sure anything with seventeen syllables is not good for me and several organs therein. And they kill little microscopic critters that bigger critters eat that even bigger critters eat and on and on.
Chemicals surely kill weeds quicker, make tomatoes plumper, get ticks deader but there’s blowback.
On the other hand, without a chemical-fueled holy war the dandelions will take over the yard. They already control most of the neighborhood.
My five year-old picks up their tiny puff balls, blows and sends a million seed-bearing enemy cells out over the lawn with a wish and a smile. Day after day.
The yellow menace is everywhere, sneaking across the street and under the neighbor’s fence into my yard. Their problem is now my problem and I’ve tried pulling them up one by one but it’s not working. And the clover. And the crab grass. And the things that look like Audrey from Little Shop of Horrors. They’re taking over.
So this morning I sided against my chemical convictions in favor of pragmatism.
Scots Turf Builder with Weed Control says it works. It’s right there on the bag. And, also on the bag, it says clearly that Scots cares about the environment and my kids and pets. Yes, there are many syllables in the ingredients but Scots cares – it’s on the label! Corporations don’t lie, silly.
I poured two bags of the stuff on my lawn an hour ago and in one month Scots promises I’ll have a weed-free lawn or my money back.
In one month my kids will be able to run barefoot across the front yard without stepping on prickly crab grass. And do it faster with a third leg than they do it now on only two.
Ah, pragmatism. Easier than convictions every time. With the possible bonus of dead cats.
Jason says:
I love the LSOH reference. ๐
Bri says:
You had me at ‘hemp’. Seriously, though ~ I’ve not nothing chemical in my home. I spent one sunny afternoon pulling weeds in my front lawn and it reminded me of my childhood ๐ Tell me if the Turf Builder with WC works!
Sarah Valente (Kingdom Mama) says:
I only hope it works for you so that it will be worth it. It didn’t work for us last year, and I had been opposed to it too. Anyway, maybe you will get some of those bonuses out of it…whether or not the dandelions disappear.
Thanks for the laugh. Much needed:)
Corey Davis says:
Hey Shaun!
Why are you so anti-dandilion?
Aren’t you afraid of all of the pro-dandilion hate mail that you will be receiving?
Just sayin’ – let the little fellows live!
Shaun Groves says:
I’m so anti dandelion now, Corey, that I’m considering a weed strategy of dumping Scots on the neighbor’s yard too. Track those weeds back to their homes and Weed Control them back to the stone ages!
Matt Barrett says:
Hey Shaun, did you know that dandelions are the second most nutritious plant on the planet? (The first is amaranth) Or that you can eat the whole thing, every single part of it, from the roots to the flower. It’s more nutritious than any garden vegetable, any fruit, any other salad green, anything at all.
So it’s kinda interesting that God would design them to spread with such efficiency, isn’t it.
Renee says:
LOL That was awesome, Shaun! For a bit, I thought you were going to reference Mark chapter 4, which I did here: http://queridafamiliablog.blogspot.com/search/label/Poop%20and%20Weeds%20Wednesday
But I gotta’ say the laugh did me good today! ๐ thanks!
-Renee
Holly @ Crownlaiddown says:
You totally need to read my dandelion story… http://crownlaiddown.com/2009/05/13/an-absurd-story-about-flowers/ It will make you laugh…and may offer a chemical free way of getting rid of weeds. Oh, but the price is steep!
Abby says:
My husband and I feel the same way. We only use organic and parabene free products. Our friends think we are nuts, but their kids are always sick as are they. They complain about being overweight and not having enough energy about having a poor complexion and their hair falling out at a young age… they can’t seem to make the connection.
But it is hard. It’s never easy to maintain this lifestyle…. really sucks that in our society they dont make it easier to live healthier.
Shaun Groves says:
Parabenes? What the heck are those??? Are they third tete inducing? My wife needs to know stat.
AJ says:
Why is it always the wife? Perhaps she’d prefer if you grew…. well, you know. But wait, that’s nothing you can’t find a solution for in your spam mail. ๐
For the record, I tossed aside my convictions and went all holy war with Round-Up on poison ivy. It made me break out in places I didn’t know I could break out (the round up) and I have no comment about that other development you are suggesting… that info is confidential for Mr. J only. Oh, and the poison ivy is positioning itself to conquer the world… it’s headed for Texas I think.
Shaun Groves says:
AJ, I know we just met but I like you. I like you a lot. Do come back and innuendo all you want.
Chad says:
Dude, I’d love to see how your anti-weed chemical stance holds up under the blistering Arizona summer sun. To put it another way, try pulling weeds when it’s 115 out (yes, they still grow). Just sayin’.
Shaun Groves says:
Yet another convert to pragmatism.
Kayla says:
But it is a DRY heat!
Graham says:
Glad you don’t live in my watershed. It’s one thing not to care if your own kids have three legs, but what about your neighbours?
Hope your neighbours don’t eat local, organic dandelions!
Unsubscribing from your blog, thought you were interesting, but there are enough green posers already.
So long ๐
Shaun Groves says:
Nicely played, sir.
We are THAT family says:
Dude, you should keep wearing those hemp pants when you write. Three days in a row now, your genius has come out. I’m just going to point people over here the rest of the week. Or get me some hemp pants.
Shaun Groves says:
So you’re saying you’re not a fan of Ehud the Left Handed?
Thanks for the kindness, Kristen. Miss you.
Nicole @ Here's The Diehl says:
LOVED this! ๐ Thanks for the laugh. And please do follow up on how fast your kids can run after this all takes effect…
Rebecca in e.tx says:
Hilarious and poignant! you have an amazing way with words – i was laughing out loud!!
Graham says:
I don’t know Shaun. I used to have stronger feelings about not using some chemicals and the like but in reality, moderation works best. And besides, if a little may kill me a little sooner, so be it, only God knows the number of my days, chemical-free or not.
Shaun Groves says:
Go play in traffic, buddy. And I hear Russion roulette is a real hoot. Only God knows the number of your days ; )
But this post isn’t about chemicals.
Tim says:
I love this post! “Easier than convictions every time.” That statement applies to so much more than pragmatism. However, when it comes to weeds, I have no convictions. My yard will glow at night if that is what it takes.
David Lindner says:
Now if Scots only made some sort of solution for the dandelion problem you have in your closet, that would be much easier.
Cynthia says:
“In favor of dead cats”………..that’s all I read………..”bonus of dead cats”…………….wha? Hoping that was just some sort of metaphor I’m not getting. If not, well, my husband would completely agree with you, but that’s beside the point.
Trish says:
Re: Judges… Ehud is my favorite! Well, Deborah’s pretty great, too, but Ehud’s a clever leftie!
Re: weeds… We live in a fallen world (no weeds in the Garden, you know)
Re: dandelions… I think their pretty, they just need a better PR person. Juli will be bringing you a nice, big, bunch of them.
shayne Welch says:
Stinkin’ dandelions! Take ’em down Shaun. Take. Them. Down.
I agree with you totally. You got to show those weeds who the boss really is or they take over everything. I’ll be praying for your convictions and your pragmatism. Hope it’s something you get over real soon.
L says:
There’s nothing like a day spent weeding with my honey and spending quality talk time without interuption!
But…After being diagnosed with 3rd stage Lyme Disease, and spending most of time with docs, I am considering using something to protect the rest of my family and pets.
Any safe suggestions?
Ps Love your blog!
Liz Reeves says:
Ah, come on….the 3rd leg argument is bogus. You know you want your kids to win the 3-legged-race on Field Day at school. Your kids will be able to do that one without a partner!!
Emily says:
Love this!
My husband cringes every time my little girl gears up for some dandelion blowing. They are taking over our neighborhood, too, and just today I thought, “I know we’re trying not to do the chemical thing, but be serious!”
Actually, we already had to spray our yard this year. The gnats were so thick the other day, I had to wipe one out of my eye every couple of minutes. When I was pulling weeds. By hand. So then we hosed the yard with pesticides.
Oh the irony.
and the pragmatism.
Thanks for another great post.
Texas in Africa says:
Liz makes an airtight argument.
But seriously, I think a real conversation about convictions and pragmatism is in order. It’s easy to have convictions in a black and white world. Not so much in those grey, er, yellow areas.
Katie says:
Wow…no shortage on chemical convictions this a.m….( btw, my mom used to pay $0.01 per dandelion…i think she figured it would help us learn to count higher numbers?…it is the only thing she ever paid us to do…)
As we speak, my children are watching t.v. …at 9:15 in the morning b/c I just needed a little break (didn’t make it very long, did i?)…isn’t it scary how little frustration it takes to make us fold?
Jen~Beautiful Mess says:
Keep us posted on the possibility of a third tete
I am still laughing at that… what does that say about me… hmmm
CardsFan says:
Dude, so with you on the Dandelions. We held off from chemical warfare on Adam’s curse for the past two years (only 2 years!!) to avoid our 4 kiddos absorbing the poison by osmosis. No one told me that the dandelions had strategically targeted my yard to conduct their heinous warfare. Anyway, after my kids, wife, and yes cats, complaining about the weeds injuring their tender feet, I resumed my own chemical warfare with the big bags of Scott’s. Let me know if it works any better for you than I expect it to for me.
Cara says:
No one gets out alive, and three nipples would make you a little more unique. Don’t we all want to be unique?
In regards to dandelions, this is the year our city will not be spraying for them. I could pour endless dollars into pesticides but I’d be fighting a losing battle unless all my neighbors joined me. I think that I’m just going to change all my landscaping plans to “things that look good with yellow.”
keith says:
Yeah, we eat some organic stuff, too, but this year I hired a guy to spray junk on our lawn to kill the weeds. I hated looking out and seeing them. Now they’re off my mind.
binonia elwood says:
Dead cats? Really? I think perhaps the post would have been fine with a reference er…references to dead cats. They are God’s creations as well, no?
binonia elwood says:
with=without. It’s 4:45am what do you expect?!
Carole Turner says:
my son Steele has a third nipple. It’s really tiny and cute…he’s 5.
Kris says:
My family has a had a history of birthdefect since before chemicals were so prevalent. What an extra nipple gonna hurt? LOL
I’ve been trying to go organic after 33 years of junk and pesticide laden food…change is slow in comming. As far as weeds are concerned, the ones in the flower bed are up hgher than my knee. I always remember to pull them after dark or when I’m at work…