Boys Are Stupid

My nine year-old is beautiful. And this makes boys stupid.

Back when I was stupid, there was this girl. Let’s call her Andrea. Looking back I realize now she may have been part of some fundamentalist Christian cult that made boys wear overalls and never let the women folk trim their locks, but at the time I just thought Andrea’s unusually long hair was pretty.

But boys can’t just tell a girl she’s pretty on account of all the stupid between their ears.

So I said, “You’re hair is…is…it’s like…like worms.”

Andrea moved away later that year and, I imagine, shaved her head, dropped out of school shortly thereafter and married a cousin. I fear he owns a bait shop over in East Tennessee. He doesn’t make enough to pay for her counseling so she just sits in the corner rocking back and forth and talking to a styrofoam cup full of night crawlers.

Bless her heart.

So I explained to Gabriella that…

  • A) Boys at her school might think she’s pretty because she is pretty. It’s an objective fact like Keanu Reeves is a bad actor, fajitas from Pappasito’s cure some cancers, and my hair is awesome.
  • B) When boys her age think a girl’s pretty they often say stupid hurtful things to her. They’ll regret this when she’s a Nobel Prize winning supermodel who makes multi-platinum records on the side.
  • C) She deserves a boy who isn’t stupid and hurtful, one who honors her with constant kindness. And cleans bathrooms. And leaves the toilet seat down. And takes out the trash and fixes stuff without being asked to.
  • D) She’ll have to wait until she’s at least 30 to find him. Also, I’m happy to do that for her.