This is Jonathan. Or at least that’s what he asked us Americans to call him.
Jonathan’s a Maasai, and lives mostly as his people have for hundreds of years in Kenya.
He eats only beef, blood and milk, for instance. The entire tribe has been on the Atkins diet for ages. They’re long and lean for it.
When Jonathan was thirteen he was circumcised the way his father and his father’s father were: Publicly “by the oldest elder with shaky hands and a sharp knife.” Because Jonathan passed into manhood through this grizzly ritual without flinching or crying, he was rewarded with a cow and the full rights of a Maasai man.
One of those rights is marriage. Jonathan has five wives, I think.
They’re beautiful. Every one of them.
And they’re smiling. Despite their hard lives.
Maasai men used to busy themselves with hunting and fending off attacks from rival tribes but today Jonathan and his buddies don’t do much. The boys shepherd, the men sit around drinking fermented milk, and the women do all the work.
They build the fence around the village, slaughter the animals, cook the food, have the babies, raise the children, clean and build the homes out of mud and manure.
All this work. And yet these women looked so happy. Or at least their faces did.
But then I saw their homes.
I’m six feet two inches tall and Jonathan was almost a head taller than me. No man in the village was shorter than me but I had to stoop to enter their homes.
Why are all the doorways so small and ceilings so low?
Hundreds of years ago, we were told, Maasai women thought it would be a good idea to lower the roof so that Maasai men would be forced to bow and honor their wives.
When we’re angry we can go nuclear: throw fists and words in rage. No one likes an abuser throwing a temper tantrum, though. Public opinion is pretty unanimous on that. So very few of us choose to be one. Why risk being criticized or locked up when you can just, well, lower the roof?
So I lock myself in my office and work longer hours than I really need to – let’s see how she likes that. The silent treatment works pretty well too. It’s a gamble though. She could always counter with a month straight of bedtime “headaches” I guess.
Unforgiveness has many faces. And sometimes it even smiles.
misty says:
Wow. Thanks for sharing that and you are so right unforgiveness has many faces.
Thank you for allowing God to shine through your words.
Jill Wade says:
Learned something new today…and stopped to look inward at the ways I don’t forgive. Okay, and I chuckled really loud.
Shayne says:
I don’t understand. Are you criticizing the Masaai women for their lack of forgiveness?
If so, I would simply ask you not to do that. Given their circumstances, I don’t want to begin to imagine what it would take to forgive.
I don’t say that anyone is free from the law of forgiveness, just that criticism of another without having walked in their shoes isn’t acceptable either.
I realize that you are pointing a finger at yourself for not forgiving your wife like you should, I just think you’re example of the Masaai women is a bit extreme.
Shaun Groves says:
It’s a parable. Or is it a metaphor? I get those two confused.
Amy @ My Friend Amy says:
I have to admit it made me a little bit uncomfortable, too. I read this post and walked away and had to think about what you were trying to say. I think i get it, but I’m not sure the lowering of the roof is really a sign of unforgiveness and that was my initial hang-up.
Cindy Cruse says:
Those ladies are very cunning! I hate it when my sneaky ways are revealed. It’s not easy to forgive completely, I’m good at forgiving a little bit.
Something I need to think about!!
Josh says:
Learned something new today, which is always good. Thanks for that.
And, thanks that you didn’t have an animated pic of Jonathan raising the roof with his hands. Otherwise, I would’ve just been distracted from the importance of reading the post. ๐
Cara says:
It’s amazing what women will “put up with” if they are socialized from birth to do so.
I can’t say the idea of sharing “my” husband with 5 other women is at all appealing, and ditto to the idea of being available should any other man beckon. I’m sure it would make paternity testing day pretty interesting.
Strange cultural habits. I suppose ours would be just as odd to them. I’ve realized at least one thing from this post: I am so very thankful to be a spoiled and overindulged North American woman. It’s not often I’m relieved to admit that. LOL
Interesting “metaphor” I do believe…
Hope says:
You know, people fascinate me. However, sometimes I think I should have studied Sociology instead of Psychology because the affect of culture on people is astounding. I will be praying for the Lord to to fall on the Maasai.
Katie says:
I don’t get this post. I was with you until the end. Then you lost me.
It’s not worth being an abuser because of public opinion? Huh?
Are you working late because you are mad, but then smiling at your wife? Huh?
Megan says:
Shaun, as I was listening to your message on Sunday, I was thinking of all the places where I’ve made peace with the people who have “wronged” me over my life already. Thinking that I was glad that the biggest hurts of my life in those regards (and some were justifiably big) were behind me.
The exercise of forgiveness was something I’ve worked through numerous times. Big tears, big emotions, big symbols and acts of forgiveness (writing down the names of those hurts, burning them, praying over the ashes, writing sins on disolving paper and dropping them in water, or on notes folded and hammered to a cross, etc. etc. etc. Those of us who are still Presbyterians love symbolism. Get over it. Oops-forgive me.)
Today as I re-read this, I began thinking of some of the people in my life who I relate to daily who I don’t have “issues” with. Who haven’t mistreated or abused me. Who haven’t harmed me as a child. See, those people who have been part of the really big sins, I’ve forgiven. And I’ve forgiven myself.
But the every day people-that’s a different story. Maybe someone just hacked me off yesterday with a snippy word, or acted in an ungracious way towards my overly-demonstrative daughter, or excluded me from something I wanted to be part of in the church, my ministry, or in my own neighborhood.
I have a long way to go. I may have rooms of my house where the ceiling is higher, but raising the actual roof is going to be lifetime reconstruction.
Thank God for grace, but I’m praying I don’t abuse it. I don’t want to one day stoop before my Savior and ask forgiveness for my own unforgiveness, when the debt he so painfully forgave was so huge, and the debts others hold against me is small.
Thanks for posting this reminder message.
Bethany says:
Wouldn’t have thought about it in that way and I appreciate the perspective. It is good that you can draw parallels from their culture to yours. Sin is the same in all languages.
At first glance, I don’t understand those who would criticize you for “criticizing” unforgiveness…. unforgiveness is not allowed in the Word that we live by, even though their arguments that you need to walk in the shoes of a Massai woman to understand to understand her are compelling. Let us keep in mind that everyone sees things differently, be it a blogger in North America, a woman in North America, or a Massai woman in Africa and so take different lessons from a tale. Either way, the Bible still reads the same… sin is the same in every language. Thankfully, so is grace.
Shayne says:
Forgiveness is a requirement. No one is arguing that or saying that one group of people is exempt from having to walk it out.
I was just surprised by the seeming blithe use of a comparison of yourself and your situation as a free white man, and a group of tribal women who are basically nothing more than slaves. I’d say that their path to forgiveness might be a bit rockier than most.
I mean, it’s one thing to forgive a guy who has just cut you off in traffic. Quite another to forgive someone who physically violates you and passes you around to his friends because in his eyes, your existence is only for his entertainment.
All that to say, again, no one is exempt from forgiveness…but I’m not gonna judge another because they don’t get to the finish line as quickly as I do. I’m gonna remember how limp and lame I was and how I had to rely on Jesus to carry me there.
Shaun Groves says:
Thought that’s what I was doing. Sorry I wasn’t clearer.
Shayne says:
No worries. You are way smarter than me and I was just having trouble seeing your point. I am a bit obtuse sometimes.
I like to visit here because you make me think a lot.
Bethany says:
That’s what I thought too, so I was confused. But I’m glad you explained more, Shayne, I understand better now. Thanks.
Shaun, it is really nice reading your blog, I see gracefulness in so many of the comments that people leave, it usually gets me thinking about the unity of the church. Makes my day…