It happens every year when the first cool winds bat fallen leaves across the yard.
I remember being nineteen, sitting on my Aunt’s porch in Bridge City, Texas praying that God would miraculously pull the cancer from my grandmother’s body like a magnet over iron filings.
She was just inside, down the hall on the left, in a hospital bed.
My aunts and uncles and cousins and I went in and out of her room for a few days. Sometimes praying. Sometimes singing. Sometimes telling stories that made us all laugh.
I had just realized I didn’t like Becky; I loved her. I had just been accepted to a college to study music.
I remember wishing Becky had met Geemommy. I still wish she had. The two are a lot alike. Big laughers. Feminine but not dainty. Stubborn yet likable. Friendly and extroverted but not the least bit fake. Worshipful listeners but willing to interrupt when someone needs a good interrupting.
I’m a musician because my grandmother interrupted a pity party of mine held just before I started high school. I was whining about how much I was afraid to make music. I was afraid because my sister told me only nerds were in the band in high school. And because that made my mom afraid. Nerds don’t get dates. So nerds don’t get married. So nerds don’t make grandkids. And sometimes nerds who play the saxophone grow up to still be nerds or, worse, unemployed. I guess that could have been her logic. Not sure. But, now that I have kids, I get all of that.
So there I was torn between a respectable life and a musical one. That’s when she told me to ignore my mom. And I did.
I don’t know my mom’s mom. I know my grandmother. I don’t know what kind of parent, friend, coworker or neighbor she was. But she was an inspiring grandmother, if for no other reason than that moment. But I suspect that moment was characteristic of how she always lived life, at least after my grandfather died.
She studied floral arranging, opened her own shop, and got herself a cigar-tokin’ cursin’ cowboy boyfriend named George – the only grandfather I ever knew on that side of the family tree. All of this gave skeptics and critics reason to balk. People were scared she’d fail, scared she’d not make enough to support herself, scared of what other people would think when they saw her galavanting around town holding hands with George.
But she never seemed scared. Not around me.
I didn’t inherit that fearlessness (or the ability to fake it, if that’s what she did). I’m my mother’s child. I worry about failing, about not failing, about what total strangers think of me, about what tomorrow holds…and the next day…and the next twenty years.
So, at this time of year, I buck my nature, sober up and try to remember. I remember to ignore the fearful and the fears. I remember how to live by remembering how she died: fearlessly.
We stood around her bed and sang hymns she’d hummed while rocking babies and grandbabies to sleep. She stared up at the ceiling with a faint exhausted smile on her face, as if she was seeing something or someone the rest of us couldn’t. She held on for a few days after that, making time to tell each of us goodbye. “Make me proud,” she told me.
Then, when she saw her chance, the rare moment alone, she left us.
My Uncle Joel found a poem just before the very end that we think she wrote when she was a young woman. In it she predicted that one Fall day, when the last notes of Summer had been sung, God would close her book of hours and she would leave this garden, look to the hills where her help comes from, and be with her God forever. Without fear.
I can hear the cool winds chasing leaves on the sidewalk outside while I write. I want to cry. Just a little. But they hush me and ask me to remember instead.
Cara says:
Aw. That was sweet. You made me think of my own Grandma, and miss her. My Grandma was a quiet, sweet woman who always made me feel loved, always gave me her undivided attention and always had mints in her purse. I can still remember the smell of my Grandma’s purse… She called me “Chum,” and she’d pat my hands with her gnarled, arthritic, soft hands. She made me feel special. She made me feel accepted, just the way I was. Thank the Lord for Grandmas. 🙂
By the way, though I don’t know you personally, I DO think your Grandma would be proud of you. I think success is measured not in accomplishments like money or prestige, but instead in exercising the gifts, large or small, that God has placed in each of us to bring glory to His name.
pendy says:
I get it. My grandmother, the only one I was blessed to know, has been gone thirty years this past May. I STILL miss her and the way she loved me. Now that I am a new grandmother, I will draw on her example to show that love to my granddaughter and others who follow.
boomama says:
Beautiful.
Iris says:
Beuatiful thoughts and memories, Shaun. We played your song “Last Notes” at my brother’s funeral, 5 years ago this week. It said and meant a lot, and now I am privilieged to know the story behind it. Thanks for sharing.
Cindy says:
So sweet. Rest assured, she’s proud. Thanks for sharing your memories and sparking the rest of us to spend a little reflective time as well.
Kyle Reed says:
Wow, that was powerful.
There are times when I want to just shut the book and go away into the fall, but i continue to strive on and ask God to make me fearless.
Lindsey says:
very sweet. I am my grandmas child, we’re just alike-the good and the bad. I fear the day she too will be gone from my life, but I know she’ll be in a place far greater than here and I look forward to the day I don’t have to fear being w/out her.
misty says:
Beautiful.
Christine says:
Maybe y’all don’t really do All Saints Day, but in chapel at the Lutheran elementary/preschool this morning we celebrated All Saints Day in anticipation of Sunday. As Lutherans though we aren’t as much about the stained glass or statued saints, as we are about those Christians who came before us who made us into the faithful followers of Jesus Christ we are today, the people we think of as heroes of the faith who helped carry us to where we are today. Sounds like your Grandmother was just such a lady and your tribute to her made me think of what the pastor said to the children this morning. What a beautiful remembrance of her.
Cheryl says:
I think something happens to us when we reach those grand golden years…we seem to care a whole lot less about what others think we can do and a whole lot more about getting some real living in…we somehow gather all the strength the years have poured into us and unleash it in some pretty gutsy, oh so glorious ways!
I was inspired reading this story to not settle for a respectable life…to follow my dreams, yes, dreams that I know for certain God has given me, to try new things and let anyone who feels the need to stare, stare.
Thanks for sharing this story…it really touched me!
Melissa says:
Thanks so much! This is totally what I needed to read today. My sweet grandmother passed away a few Octobers ago, and I have the most tender memories of spending the last few days with her in intimate fellowship. And reading your post just reminded me so much of her.
Thank you.
Debbie G. says:
One of my favorite songs for a whole bunch of reasons. Thanks for the beautiful story to go with it.
Ruth Tomlin says:
Wonderful! I am a Grandmother (nanny) and I am inspired and encouraged by your story. I will always remember to encourage my beautiful grandchildren to believe in themselves and not be afraid to take chances, as they grow up.
PS have a great time in El Salvador