If my mom wanted to know how my day really went she would stand outside my door after lights out and listen to me pray. I would tell God about filling the cheese dispensers and walking in the deep freeze on the field trip to Pizza Hut. I would tell Him how much I didn’t like it when Ted Andrews made up the rules in kickball as he went along. I would tell Him about the fight Lindy and I got into and how Mom didn’t understand that I pulled her hair after she rolled her eyes at me, not before, but I was sorry. I told God about how scared I was of Mrs. Roosth and how I really hoped we would have burritos with melted cheese at lunch soon. I told Him about hitting Ben when he said that thing about my mom during the soccer game. I told Him about kissing Shanna in the tunnel.
The house was still. I was still. And God listened.
——————————————————–
A few months ago I realized that God and I had become like that couple I feel sorry for in restaurants, aware of one another’s existence but never acknowledging it with eye contact, a syllable or smile. Maybe they’re still in love but they’ve reached the bottom of one another, run out of discoveries. Maybe the relationship evolved into a duty. Maybe there was a spat – over something that would seem trivial today if they could only remember what it was – and they each delayed “I’m sorry” until silence and avoidance just became their way of life. Maybe, somewhere in all the bustle of child raising, soccer practices and dance recitals, ladder climbing, house cleaning and 401K building they just got out of the habit of connecting and now they can’t remember how to.
I think that’s where God and I have been for the last – I’m ashamed to say it – couple years. Maybe more. I can’t remember it happening. I just realized not long ago that it did.
So, as sick as it sounds, I was glad to be depressed.
——————————————————-
My depression ended July 19th, in Lexington, North Carolina at 6:57 PM. That night I talked to my wife for a few minutes by phone. I sang through the usual warm-up exercises. I ate a spinach and strawberry salad. And then I walked down the stairs to use the restroom in the basement below the stage. Somewhere between washing my hands and ascending the staircase the darkness ended.
As the pastor made some announcements and prayed, I stood behind him tuning my guitar and trying out my newly depression-free body. Can I smile? Yes. Effortlessly. Can I raise my eyebrows? No problem. How about my feet? Are my feet heavy? Toe tappin’ light.
Wow.
It’s gone.
——————————————————-
I’ve read about the lives of great God-followers and a lot of them experience a time of tremendous darkness. Usually, at the end of that time, they experience something supernatural, something certainly from God: A burning bush, a parted sea, a fallen giant. A great revival in their city, a vision, a doctorless healing, a whispered word from God, an angelic visitation, a sign in the sky, an unexplainable turnaround. At the very least, these men and women seem to emerge from the darkness with a greater certainty about the existence of God, His involvement in their lives and the direction He’d like them to head next.
Even in the times when I was fetal on the bathroom floor yelling at God, certain He didn’t exist or that He had abandoned me – even then I hoped He’d prove me wrong and touch me like He touched Jacob. Maybe I’d limp away from the darkness, I thought, but that limp would be undeniable evidence that I mattered enough to be wrestled with by the Almighty. Proof. A miracle.
My thinking went like this: My distress means eventual miraculous rescue by God. Rescue means God is real, He’s here, and I matter. Like I said, I was actually glad I was depressed. I would soon see God.
But the miraculous didn’t happen. What happened was a trip to the bathroom. No burning roll of toilet paper in there either. No pillar of cloud leading me to the stage. No whispered voice. Not one chill or warm fuzzy. Nothing out of the ordinary. The depression switch just flipped to the off position as suddenly as it had switched to the on. That was that.
So I stood before a crowd of bored-looking Christians that night and celebrated my lungs out. I went for notes I’d never dare reach for ordinarily. I played too many songs. I smiled endlessly. I wished I had written more upbeat music. Why didn’t I write more upbeat music?
Then, I went home, took a few days off, slowly went back to work and started telling you this story so I wouldn’t forget.
——————————————————-
I’m not depressed anymore but I’m not well either. I’m afraid to read the comments on my blog and on Facebook. As well-intentioned and loving as they may be, the words of Christians pose a greater risk to my faith right now than the words of any renowned reasoned atheist. I can’t explain why, but they do. And I’m angry at God sometimes for reasons I don’t completely understand. Also, I like to talk to people after my shows but I’ve discovered that I can’t listen to other people’s needs for long anymore without feeling anxious and exhausted. My tank is too empty to give much away at the moment. One friend described this recovery period as having a wound and not a scar – I’m still pink and sensitive in places I didn’t know I had, but healing little by little.
Most troubling to me, most mornings since the depression ended, I’ve woken up anxious and filled with doubt – not about anything in particular, just a general feeling that God isn’t with me. And “feeling” really isn’t the word. I sense in my spirit, I’m convinced way down deep, that God is not with me if He exists at all.
We’re not even sitting in the same restaurant.
My counselor says he doesn’t want to fix that – even if he could. He refers to it as an “unsatisfied hunger” or “un-crossable distance” that is necessary to experience in order for God to satisfy it and mature me in some way. He says this hunger is more the norm for the Christian coming out of darkness than the dramatic miraculous rescues we read about in some books. And I don’t like this. But I asked for it.
In the few months leading up to this depression I realized I wasn’t the little boy talking to heaven about my day at school anymore. Over and over I asked God to make me need Him, to let me experience Him, to force me to talk to Him since I wasn’t able to choose that over all my important tasks. I begged Him to do whatever it took to get us making eye contact and telling stories again. I guess He heard me.
I’m usually the last one awake in my house, but this morning I was the first. I was unusually alert and felt like I needed to pray. I sat in the den floor alone and prayed for my Uncle Joel and his cancer, for my friend in rehabilitation and for his family, for Becky and the kids, for my upcoming trip to El Salvador, for Wess and everyone at Compassion International, for requests left on my blog and on Facebook. I opened my bible to a list in the back of all God’s names and I told Him – through my doubts – that He was all those things. I told Him I was angry too, that I was scared, that I believed but needed Him to get rid of my unbelief.
Then I just sat and listened.
The house was still.
I was still.
I was a boy listening to God.
And He didn’t say anything. But we were in the same room again. And that was miraculous.
Lori Jo says:
from the start of these entries, i just wanted to say, they were painfully beautiful. thanks for sharing.
Megan says:
Thank you for writing this series, Shaun. It’s something I can relate to.
Stretch Mark Mama says:
I know this wasn’t the point of the post, but ‘burning roll of
toilet paper,’ ha ha ha, hardy ha ha ha. Sometimes it FEELS like the
toilet paper’s on fire!
(*inside voice*) Oh, that wasn’t even funny, Lisa.
(*voices from the crowd*) She’s so dumb she doesn’t even know he was talking about the burning bush! Ah!
Moving on.
I’m not sure what kind of place I’m in either, but it’s impossible
for me to read devotional-sounding blog posts or hear someone tell me
The Biblical Solutions To My Problems. Maybe it’s pride, maybe it’s
because I’m a relativist, maybe it’s that I’m too old and have been
through too much and know that—“You know what? That verse you
just quoted? Has NOT been true 873 times in my life. So NOW what?”
Anyway, the two roughest times of my life (brain cancer scare, a
disaster of a miscarriage), the most spiritually encouraging thing that
someone said to me was “THAT. SUCKS.” It made me laugh, it made me cry,
and for whatever reason, it bounced around in my head (when scriptures
wouldn’t) and pulled me out of my funk.
And because this comment is not long enough or obnoxious enough yet,
I’ll also say, music (the “ugly cry” kind) was the only other thing
that helped move me through the yuck I was feeling.
Thanks again for posting these entries. You truly have a gift for putting words to paper. “Paper.”
Owlhaven says:
Thanks for sharing your heart. You have touched mine.
And made me want to get up early in the morning to talk to God more
often.
I count you a friend.
(Dear God, Please bless Shaun. Help the flu leave his house quickly. And be the light unto his path. Amen)
Mary
Kelli says:
Thank you for sharing, Shawn. That post touched me
deeply. I’ve tried to think of something eloquent and encouraging
to type here, but I have nothing to add that wouldn’t seem contrived
and forced. Sometimes it seems best to just sit back and digest
God’s voice through the beauty of the written word.
Dawn says:
THANKS for writing this! Oh, my word. I found you through BooMama.
I’ve been through my own depression recently and I feel like you put
words to things I couldn’t express myself! And you’re saying exactly
what I’ve felt! And I thought I might be the only one on the planet
feeling that way.
It is so profound to me that I read this post today. Because just
yesterday I realized that I’m better. The fog has lifted and it doesn’t
suck to be alive.
And yet, some tenderness lingers. And I understand the empty tank, too.
Thank you for sharing.
Texas in Africa says:
Thank-you for trusting us with your whole story in all its pain and anger and truth and beauty.
No Christianisms here. I’ve been somewhere very similar, and my faith
stopped being easy or simple as a result. May the peace of Christ be
with you.
Liz Reeves says:
What a beautiful post, Shaun. Thank you for being
transparent. We need that SO badly in the Church. When
walls go up, ministry ceases to occur between members of the body of
Christ. Thank you for being willing to drop the walls & let
us know how to best pray for you.
HUGS!
melissa stover says:
i’m glad you wrote this. i can’t put into words why, but i’m very glad.
Cara says:
Thank you.
I feel “bad” sometimes – unworthy, inadequate or fake because for me
faith (or maybe Christianity as I knew it) is no longer a really
emotionally satisfying practice anymore.
Sometimes I feel like I must not “truly” believe because I have so many
questions without answers, so many emotions swirling in my heart when
it comes to combining God wuth the world I live in.
Yet, somehow I just can’t get away from the “knowing” that God truly
IS. You said it so well – I do feel as if He’s not in the same
room as me. In trying to maintain my psychological/spiritual health I
view it this way: Maybe He isn’t talking to me, but I must believe that
He still hears me talking to Him. I must believe that no matter
what, I’m never good enough, but He loves me anyway.
I’ve written a bit, and don’t feel like I truly communicated much of
what I think. All I can really say is that what you’ve written
this series has resonated with me in a very profound way.
I am thankful God has brought you through this and that He has also
gifted you with the ability to write so descriptively and succinctly so
that those of us who need to hear this can identify with you.
Thanks again.
Nellie Dee says:
Shaun,
After reading your blog a few days ago about your friend (Linda?) who
prayed for you, I went to church on Sunday knowing that I was going to
go up front and have someone pray for me. AND, I’m so glad that I
did. I’ve been kind of numb ever since, but thanks for motivating
me to move in a direction to get help.
After reading your post tonight, I don’t even know where to begin
except that it’s truly a priviledge to read what you have shared.
You do have a way of expressing yourself that deeply moves me.
AND the very best part is that I realize “I am not alone”.
The hardest part for me when God doesn’t seem to be talking is
thinking that there’s something wrong with me. It’s very
frustrating and painful!
Know that I am saying my prayers for you too! Hang in there!
greenchickadee says:
Whether you read this or not, just wanted to thank you for being so
honest and open about your depression and journey. I’ve struggled
with this and watched others too. A spiritual depression is one
of the worst (William Cowper wrote so much poetry about this) and your
story has been forwarded to many friends who needed to know that they
are not alone. Thank you for sharing. It has meant to much
to me and I’m sure to others. You’re in the Sonshine and He is
with you!
kathy says:
I am still in that depression. I am going through a
divorce. You see my husband prefered porn over me. He is a
wonderul man but he lies without knowing it and desires that other
women. When we were together there was no room left for me.
The worst part is I still love him.
Rebecca says:
Thank you Shaun
Holli T. says:
Thank you.
Holli
Paula says:
It is hard to believe that I am half way around the world and yet I
can read your message and be part of that. Sometimes in times of
darkness when God doesn’t seem real and seems to be in a different
house never mind a different room, we struggle but somehow we get
through another day – we get there because He sustains us – not with a
dramatic revelation of His power in burning toilet rolls or pillars of
cloud – but instead He lifts our head – even if it is only an inch off
the floor – He does it. So many people will relate to your honest
and open account of real life – I will pray that you and your family
will know God’s sustaining love. Thank you for your honesty.
Living through my husband’s difficult period of depression I know that
honesty is part of the healing process.
Rachel says:
Thank you for being so open and honest about yourself and your
relationship with God. I just happened upon your blog and this
post and it resonates so much with the way I’ve been feeling myself the
last 10 months or so after going through the most painful time of my
life. I know God’s there, but we don’t really communicate the way
we should. I feel empty and unable to pick up my bible even when
I know I should. I often feel like I’m a “bad christian” for
feeling this way. Thank you for letting me know someone else has
felt the way I feel and that it’s actually fairly normal. I pray
for the day when the darkness is gone and light is all I can see.
Rena Gunther says:
Wow!
Thank you for being so real, so vulnerable.
I don’t have anything profound to add. Just that He is
faithful. And He will most assuredly answer your prayer
exceedingly, abundantly above all that you ask or think.
And I hope that day for you is soon.
Jason says:
“He says this hunger is more the norm for the Christian coming out
of darkness than the dramatic miraculous rescues we read about in some
books.”
Wow…you have no idea how encouraging that sentence is to me right now.
Thank you for your honesty and transparency. Thank you for not
putting a bandage over that wound so that others can see it’s OK to
show their wound as well.
Kenyon says:
Best.
Series.
Of.
Posts.
Ever!
Thanks for sharing. I’ve learned so much through this journey.
Allison says:
Shaun,
Whew. I just breathed a big sigh of relief to read your blog,
because, like others who have commented, I have felt the exact same way
for the past 3 months or so–like God’s Spirit had dried up and left
me. Never have I had to make so many decisions daily to refuse my
emotions and force myself to look only forward, never back. I praise
God for you and for your transparent honesty–God is obviously already
using your pain for His glory, as your experience has brought me the
deepest comfort I’ve felt in a long time. Thank you so much.
Allison
pat says:
amazing courage…thank you for not saying “and my faith never
wavered throughout the journey” – I cannot express how much I
appreciate your being real.
Amy Savage says:
Hey Shaun,
I am sorry for the pain and darkness you have been under but am
thankful that we truly can rely on the fact that the steadfast love of
the Lord never ceases and His mercies never come to an end – they are
indeed new every morning.
I just wanted to say that these posts have struck a deep chord in me
even though I am not struggling with depression. I so appreciate
your authenticity and vulnerability. I think the world might look
a bit different if we Christians took a lesson from you and just laid
it all out there.
Thank you for setting the example for us. You continue to be in my prayers.
Amy
momstheword says:
When you are feeling fragile, sometimes it just seems like those are the times when people really seem to “need” you, you know?
I like to think that that is one way that the Lord is growing my
faith. Because you feel like you have nothing left in you to give
at the moment. Yet, He gives you strength and grace.
Many times, I have seen believers who stop whatever ministry they
are doing when they are going through a difficult time. It makes
them feel hypocritical to continue, they say, when they are doubting or
questioning.
But many times, this is when you are walking in the dark in your
faith. And you are living what you believe. You keep going,
keep ministering, keep serving, and letting the Lord show you His
ministry and grace as He equips you.
It’s the sacrifice of praise. Serving Him and trusting in the
dark. Choosing to believe His words are true, when they go
against every thing you’re feeling. It’s elevating your faith
above your feelings, instead of the opposite.
He is there, and it’s never based on what we feel. His faithfulness is never based on what we feel.
Tracey says:
I have encountered so many believers who experienced depression this
spring or summer, myself included. Thankful to be on the other
side and thankful for the sanctification of the experience.
We didn’t miss the blessing of the darkness brother! Praise God.
Norma Bowers says:
All I have to share is what woke up my relationship with the Lord as close as last night from A Pocket Full of Rocks:
I’ve touched the hem of Your garments
And I have felt the leading of Your hand
But today, my eyes look much higher to see the face of the great “I am”
So more of You Jesus, more of Your face, more of Your glory in this place
More of You Jesus, more of Your face, more of Your glory in this place
When I don’t “feel” Him in my life, my husband sweetly reminds me that
feeling is not always truth but God’s word is always truth and it says
He never leaves me or forsakes me so all I need to ask for is MORE!!
Blessings!
chris says:
I’ve sat here at my screen trying to think of what to say. I have no words.
Shaun – thank you for writing.
Nadia says:
Very honest post… and important, too. It is time for more
truth-telling in faith. Time to say it is not always easy, not
always good… but always right.
Thank you.
ET @ Titus2:3-5 says:
Because your story, your honesty, and God’s beauty grabbed me, I’m linking to this post today.
Thank-you for choosing not to put on a fascade and being raw and real. You are a blessing.
Elizabeth Cooper says:
I found your blog through Bring on the Rain.
I am so blessed by the telling of your journey, blessed because it’s
actually comforting to know that even the most mature Christians can
struggle with God. I know that there is always hope that God and
I will end up in back in the same restaurant…I just wish I knew when.
Ashley says:
What an amazing testimony of God’s mercies. I’ve been reading
“The Beggar’s Fortune” since you started but haven’t commented. (I
don’t think I have anyway.) So glad you are doing better and
healing. Praise the Lord.
Candace says:
Shaun, I know these messages are a few months old now…but I had to post a “thank you” anyway. I have also struggled with depression…and God has shown me that for so long many have lived in the darkness with this, especially Christians…so He impressed me to share my story with others too. It is hard, but it is worth it. Through our struggles, He is shown faithful. You are an encouragement to so many by sharing your struggles. THANK YOU!! God be glorified!!
Makeda says:
I know these posts are several months old but I wanted to say thank you for sharing your story with such painful honesty, brutally and ultimately with such beauty. I cried through the whole thing and felt honored to hear the story of your journey through the darkness. I am thankful to have come upon your blog and thankful to have read this. Thank you!
Amys blah, blah, blogging says:
Wow, I had not heard your story before. Thank you for sharing it and yourself with us. I know all too well how difficult it is and how truely bare it feels. I hope it brings continued healing.
Jessica says:
I just came back and finished reading the last of these posts and I’ve been trying to put a few puzzle pieces together in my head.
You visited my church in the last week of June. And I noticed after the show that you seemed really tired and much less responsive than I expected you to be. Afterwards you also didn’t respond to long and appreciative fanmail. I’m starting to realize now if you were possibly already starting on your depression journey when you came here.
I’m so glad that things are more well with your soul now. Though I doubt that hymn would catch on. You could always give it a try though. 🙂
“Things are more well (things are more well) with my soul (with my soul) THINGS ARE MORE WELL, THINGS ARE MORE WELL, WITH MYYY SOOUUULL”
🙂
Hope says:
You have no idea how much freedom I gained from reading your story today. Thank you so much for your willingness to share it.
As far as the feeling wounded and not being able to handle other people’s pain as much, the verse that immediately came to mind was, “Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.”
anna says:
i know, old posts, but i’m a new reader in the last week or so, and few times i’ve just read a random month’s post from your archives. i just read straight through this series of posts. there’s much that i could say – share my story or whatever – but i think i just need to say thank you. so… thank you.
Yvette Clupny says:
I found your link through http://www.aholyexperiance.com.
My first read was “Sovereignty, sickness and strength”, then I followed the depression link, from there I forwarded your story to my friends. You have a new fan. I haven’t listened to your music yet, but reading your heart I will be interested in following your continued story. I love how you seperated the mind, body and soul addressing each, but saying they are one of the whole, and the whole needs to be addresses. I also would love to have a conversation with your prayer lady. Does she have a book published? What a blessing to know someone with this wisdom an discernment. Anyways, I am an avid reader, we have many musicians in our family so, I’m glad to have you added to my new list of people to track with.
LaureAnn says:
Somehow I’ve come here.
I’m living this now.
I pray every day to stop crying.
To be strong enough to live this life I’ve been called to.
Six months ago I asked God if He was done with me.
Maybe this time is His answer.
Maybe He’s asked me the same thing.
Thank you for sharing, Shaun, whoever you are.
Thank you for the hope.
Shaun Groves says:
God has not given up you. Don’t give up on yourself. Remember in this darkness what you were certain of in the light.
Fill your head – as much as you can – with truth.
Praying for you, LaureAnn. Let me know if there’s any more I can do.
I love you. Whoever you are.
Claire says:
I stumbled across your website completely by accident – surfing the web and I have no idea how I ended up here. But God wanted me to read this series. The words resonated with me so strongly – thank you for being so beautifully and painfully honest in sharing this part of your life.
I long to be free from these tears, from this pain, and I know that someday I will be free from them. Until then, I’m evaluating how/whether I can continue to lead others in worship. But I know that God is in control, and that His strength is far greater than anything I will ever face.
Our paths will probably never cross, but God has used your words to shine a small light in the darkness I’m facing. Thank you
May God bless you and your family
Claire, Ireland
Cori says:
Thanks for mentioning this series on Twitter. It has been so helpful and timely for me.
V says:
THANK YOU for re-posting these. I’ve lived through that kind of darkness before about 7.5 years ago, and things have been mostly okay for a while now after God brought me out of it in a manner not dissimilar to yours…for me it was looking up at the outside of my workplace over a cup of coffee and my journal and realizing the darkness was gone. But I’ve been feeling just absolutely crushed here lately by some of the things that have been happening in my life. I don’t understand God’s purposes in my circumstances, and some of them feel very hopeless – even when I know that the truth is that God knows what He’s doing and does care. I needed a reminder. So again: thanks.