I felt it coming. I called my parents a few months ago and asked them to pray. My marriage was good, kids were healthy, work was steady, finances in surplus. But – and I know how this must sound – I felt like something was coming after us. “Or I’m crazy,” I laughed.
It was an ominous feeling. It’s probably nothing, I thought. It’ll pass. But I was wrong.
One morning the shower didn’t clear the fog from my brain like it usually did. After eight hours’ sleep I thought like I’d been up all night. My legs felt like two year-olds were wrapped around them. I had little to say and usually thought to say it too late, as if someone had poured syrup into the gears in my brain.
Then, slowly, feelings of insignificance, doubt and inexplicable sadness – deeper than any I’ve felt before – began covering me up. It was like the misery of every miserable person who ever lived was being funneled into my chest. By the end of that first day my rational mind was tied up in the back room of my skull somewhere. Depression drew the shades and took the controls.
“Depression.” That’s what the doctor called it a few days later. I sat on his examining table shivering. My eyes were bloodshot and puffy. My veins were too sunken to draw blood on the first two tries. “We’ll test your thyroid, iron levels, testosterone and CBC but I’d be surprised if any of that could cause something as severe as this.” He also used comforting words like “extreme” and “pronounced” to describe my condition.
“More than likely, as pronounced as your depression is, you’ll deal with this your whole life.”
That, by the way, was one of the worst things he could have told me. The first thing depression had done to my brain was rip out its filters. I was no longer able to defend myself against criticism, doubt, fear or to remain optimistic in light of such a pessimistic diagnosis. No, my brain was velcro for all things depressing. His words stuck and they were all I could think about as I shuffled out of his office with a bag full of sample anti-depressants and a receipt for his services in my hand.
I felt sentenced. I took a seat on his table at the end of my rope, hopeful that someone at the other end of it would soon pull me to safety. I drove out of his parking lot hopeless.
I called my parents and let them know what was happening to me, what the doctor had said, that I wasn’t crazy after all – just “severely” depressed.
Hope says:
I don’t even know if you will get this since it’s on an older post. I might have been too hard on you yesterday and I’m sorry. I don’t want to put this on the other thread because I don’t want it to be that public. I am so in this place right now. It is a battle I thought I would never have to fight again and something I can not share with anyone in my “real” life. Losing the ability to fake it and drowning. The darkness is coming to take away my soul. I try to run, but there’s nowhere to hide.
Either way, today as I have come face to face with the beast and realized he is winning, I realized I was probably taking it out on you. I am sorry. Please forgive me.
Shaun Groves says:
Forgiven. Of course. Praying you through the darkness.
Hope says:
Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. For everything. Strangely, and I hate to say this because I’m sorry you went through what you did, but it is a comfort to know you understand and are praying. So many people, especially in the church, think it’s a choice and people need to choose to “get over it.” Anyway, sorry to ramble. Just know I am sincere in my thanks.
Hope says:
Hey Shaun, I doubt you have been waiting for an update on pins and needles, LOL, but I have to tell you about the Lord. I finally told someone what was happening and after having some very frank conversations about things, she encouraged me to pray through my house. I won’t go into all of the details, but the Lord and I have been plowing some major stuff in my life the last 3 months. I had prayed about some very specific and emotional things right before this period of darkness erupted and she believed I needed to “clean house.” I admit to thinking it was a longshot and expected nothing. However, as I prayed I felt stronger and could feel it falling off of me. When I woke up this morning it was completely gone. Praise the Lord!!!! Thank you for your prayers and your patience.
tali says:
I was just sent a link to this series. I’ve recently been undiagnosed/declared free of a disease (hypoglycemia) I supposedly have been battling for 10 years (since age 10). After lots of blood work, a fiasco at Costco complete with EMS, lots of begging God, and being covered by the prayers of our friends… the Dr. has concluded that all these years I have actually been battling anxiety. Panic attacks. My brain doesn’t know what to think. It’s been a week since we uncovered this and my mind, heart & body are completely weary. Today, I am finally seeing hope. Scripture + total reliance on Him = slowly re-training my mind to comprehend this new reality. Yet still not accepting that I will live with this forever. In Him, we have victory! I will not sit still.
Thank you so much for being a transparent vessel for His use!
jennifer says:
you describe it so much better than i have ever been able to… thank you…
Betsy says:
I’ve just started going back through these. I can’t begin to say how real and true what you’ve written is, regarding what depression feels like. The worst part is the knowing you’re there and the inability to break through the mind. I am thankful to say that the Lord delivered me from a very dark time in July of this year and I feel like it’s this deep thing between me and Him. I’m scarred and there are anxious moments where I wonder if it’s about to knock me down like a wave, but it’s just part of my story now. I now pray for others much more easily and readily, face to face, when I can, and I was asked to tell my story at my church. So many struggle with this and I thought I would feel like a failure and look like a weakling even talking about it…and I think I do, but I think it made many people feel better. I hope so. I am so thankful you’ve written yours out.