I thought I was a special little snowflake – the only one of my kind. But there are more.
My first audience was my mom, dad and sister. I was 18. My family gathered in my bedroom doorway and listened to me play and sing my first song. My sister laughed. My mom snickered. To be fair, I did sound like an impersonation of Michael W. Smith doing an impersonation of Elton John. But still, I took their reaction as less than supportive.
When I decided to study composition in college a friend’s sister who’d dropped out of the same music school told me I’d never make it. My mom told me to get a teacher’s certificate. I graduated, moved to Nashville and worked as an intern in the music publishing business. My boss told me a music degree is worthless in the music industry – and also that I should have gotten a teacher’s certificate.
I signed a record deal in 2000 because I wrote one great song in the bathroom one magical day – a song about God making my heart his home. On the day its first draft came spilling out of me I felt possessed, like I was taking dictation, just writing down what was playing in my head. As soon as the dictation ended I wondered if it would ever happen again. No, I was certain it would never happen again and considered getting a teacher’s certificate.
I was nominated for a bunch of awards for that song. It was on the radio charts for weeks. Interviewer after interviewer asked me if I was afraid of never writing another song like that again. Program directors and fans and folks at my former record label have asked me to please write something like that again. And I haven’t.
You see, I don’t write alone. I have a cantankerous partner. Some call it inspiration, muse or genius but I know it’s God. The writing process makes me angry at him sometimes. It feels sometimes – especially over the last three years – like he’s messing with me. A fragment of melody will soar through my brain when I’m in the shower and as I run to pen and paper, God moves one of my kids to sing the theme from Dora the Explorer and – bam – the new idea is blurred beyond recollection. My God, my God, why have you forsaken me??
But then there are other moments – they happen less and less frequently for me – when an entire song shows up in my brain, takes a seat, and patiently waits for me to sketch it out onto paper. Sometimes, in other words, God decides to cooperate. It’s not uncommon for me to cry when this happens or laugh or both. I even took off my shoes once. It feels like God is right there on the bench with me, moving my hands over the black and white keys and lisping the words to me slowly like a dad teaching his child the ABCs.
And I think – I can only guess – this inconsistency is the result of one of two things or both: 1) I’m a horrible listener. God is singing all the time and it’s I who don’t take notice, close my “eyes” tightly enough and listen deeply. 2) God is teaching me something, reminding me of something: Namely, that I’m not the genius. He is.
Creating has been extremely rewarding for me, in every way, but arduous and agonizing at the same time. With the wings of creativity come the millstones of self-doubt and the doubts of others, expectations and fears and the frequent feeling that I fool people for a living – into thinking I’m talented when I know I’m not. I’m just the guy God decided to sing to one day in the bathroom.
I’m not a special little snowflake. There are other basket cases like me. And Elizabeth Gilbert is trying to help us.
Thanks to my good friends Anne and Ben for BOTH recommending I watch this video. I hope it helps the rest of you creative people feel a little less weird, a little more healthy.
Iris says:
Thank you!
Thank you for sharing the reality of your creative process and for the video. Both were inspiring.
Thank you as well for continuing to write and create. I have been spoken to countelss times through what you have written (I’m a long time listener to your music) and so appreciate your vulnerability and honesty.
Another Canadian Fan
Kent Kingery says:
Thanks for writing this, especially this line…
“With the wings of creativity come the millstones of self-doubt and the doubts of others…”
Your description of your family’s reaction to your first song is so, so similar to mine. Only I wasn’t brave enough to sing it for them live. I recorded it instead and played back the tape.
My wife still hasn’t gotten used to me running through the house looking for paper or screaming at the mall “I need a writing instrument immediately!” to all within earshot. She still looks at me strangely when I sing into my cell phone or my laptop or our answering machine. All so that I won’t miss out on the glimpse God has given me of His creativity.
Thank goodness I’ve never had any real notoriety for my music. Otherwise, I might be crazier than I am now.
Paul Podraza says:
Have you ever thought about keeping those soap crayons in the shower with you? What better way to sketch out the melody or few verses that pop in your head by drawing it out on your “whiteboard,” a.k.a, your shower.
And by the way, thanks for being the conduit from God for “Welcome Home,” it is in my heavy rotation of the few songs I always want to hear. It’s in there with Third Day’s “Offering, and U2’s “Original of the Species.”
Welcome Home is actually number two on my iTunes playlist, 163 times, behind David Crowder’s Come Thou Fount, 183 times. Maybe you’ll move up to the top spot one day!
Jay Sellers says:
Shaun, I liked the video and could relate to that presence of something outside of myself (God!) leading my creativity.
One thing that she missed that I find profound is legacy. A few years back, I went to a service at Church on the Move in Tulsa where Willie George talked about the effect that our lives have on future generations. I couldn’t hold back the tears when I saw childhood pictures of pastors, missionaries, doctors, lawyers, teachers, singers, etc., that were prompted to do sometimes small things with great love, all because they were raised in the presence of those that lived life to the fullest in honor of His name.
Your story is far from over, but I have no doubt that people have seen your service to others and want to follow that example. I’m no longer disappointed as a musician when I find 14 year old kids in the youth group that can play me under the table. I’m most honored when they say that they had an interest in playing because they wanted to be like me.
Pam says:
Glipses of God…what it’s not about me? May it never be about us—that’s the real genuis.
sillydoodah says:
Awesome. I will pass this on to other crazies.
This may be my first comment here, but I wanted to thank you for being so honest about how you feel about all this. You posted a few weeks back about your fears, etc. and that was quite moving. Thank you for all that you do (husband, dad, artist, compassion dude, etc) to the glory of God. Ole.
DeeDee says:
Dude…this is so spot on. I totally relate.
God gave me the creative gifts I have, and allowed me the experiences to develop my skills so that when He says write/draw/paint/sing, I can do what He wants, how He created me to do it.
I feel sorry for the non-creatives. Being inspired at random times makes life more fun.
Bill Whitt says:
I think an important part of the discussion is to ask what constitutes success. Just because another song hasn’t achieved as much radio play as “Welcome Home,” that doesn’t mean they weren’t successful. For example, I think your writing on “White Flag” was more creative and biblical than ever, and were used by God very much in my life. Those are marks of great success, if you ask me.
If you work hard and do your part faithfully… whether the muse shows up or not… no matter if the song gets radio adds or not… no matter if the album flys of store shelves or sits there gathering dust… no matter if you win Dove Awards or not… I’m sure God is still saying, “Well done!”
Paloma says:
thank you.
a lot.