The Judgmental Theory About Beautiful People

Some parents worry about their kids grasping math or science.  Some fret over their little angel’s reading abilities.  I, on the other hand, was frightened this morning by how beautiful my oldest daughter is.

It’s Becky’s fault.  She has a theory about beautiful people that I believe is true even if it is judgmental.  Let’s call it the Judgmental Theory About Beautiful People.

Here it is: The prettier you are growing up, the less personality and general likability you have as an adult.  This, Becky reasons, might be because while we normal-to-ugly looking kids had to develop actual personalities as young’ns in order to gain the acceptance of our peers, the beautiful people just had to show up and be, well, beautiful.  This is because all kids are shallow.  We naturally worship the beautiful kids. Especially if we’re not beautiful kids. Sorry, beautiful-kids-who-are-now-uninteresting-adults.  Sorry we liked you so much.*

For the visual learners in the group: A graph.


As you can see, the dorky kids have an obvious upper hand as adults.  We learned how to deflect shame with humor, to do battle with words and ideas because we lacked pectoral muscles.  We had to get good grades or paint or sing or develop an encyclopedic knowledge of eighties movie quotes in order to salvage our self-esteem. We had to become skilled in the art of shmoozing persuasion.  And today we are grateful for it.  So is it wrong that I truly hope my oldest daughter wears a head gear?  Soon?


Possible exceptions to the Judgmental Theory About Beautiful People include Brant Hansen, Pete Wilson and Anne Jackson – all, more than likely, quite attractive as adolescents and yet very interesting people today who, obviously then, must have sold a portion of their soul to the devil.