Shaun Groves
Stanley Hauerwas has said, “I’m a pacifist because I’m a violent son of a bitch.” And I don’t believe him. Because he’s miniature. He’s a diminutive (brilliant) theologian no more than five feet tall and speaking with a voice that reminds me of an LP played at a 45’s speed. I’m not buying that he’s violent. Not physically. And that lets some of the credibility out of his entire pacifist position.
What other option does the man have? we’re bound to ask. I mean, of course he’s against hurting people; because he’s incapable of hurting people – big people. Small animals? Sure. Maybe a fifth grader, a very tiny seventh grader smoking a couple packs a day at best, or Ron Paul. But no one of any real stature. And this is the case for every famous pacifist I know of. it seems they’re merely adopting the position on violence their physiques are best suited for. That’s all.
It’s a similar problem vegetarians have. Similar, but not the same. Have you ever seen a buff vegetarian? They are their own worse PR. Oh, so I should eat like a rabbit because you do? we want to ask. I can look like you? Well, wow. That is tempting. I’ve always wanted to weigh a buck oh five, be all pasty and gaunt and wear Burkenstocks. You can have this bacon cheeseburger; give me a salad and a side of kumquats, please.
So you can imagine how thrilled I am that I, for the first time since high school, have gained weight. I am now eight and a half more pounds of non-violent-fifty-percent-raw-food-eating-no-red-meat credibility…and gaining.
It wasn’t a goal when I stepped up the exercise program weeks ago. Weight is just a number on a scale and doesn’t say a thing about a person’s health, personality, or character – stuff that matters. But the Cuban Assassin has me eating meals in between meals now (I had seven yesterday) so that I won’t lose weight while exercising so intensely with him. It was purely preventative for me. And now I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been. I’m not heavy. But I’m heavier. Heavier than Stanley Hauerwas. And Ron Paul. And most carrot munchers. And that means, well, credibility, here I come.
Nancy Tyler says:
Careful, tall man about making assumptions about a short man’s (or woman’s) capacity for violence. You don’t have to be brawny or statuesque to be good with a handgun…
Nancy Tyler says:
Oh goodness, I just went back and read my previous post and it sounds a little, um, menacing. This short woman does not possess a handgun. Nice Nancy. Nonviolent Nancy…
Shaun Groves says:
Hell hath no fury like a pistol packin’ redheaded miniature bureaucrat.
Nancy Tyler says:
You know it, buddy!
Erin says:
The best of your posts in a long time, Shaun. Absolutely had me cracking up. Every time I think you can’t get any funnier, you go and write something like this.
I love it!
Krista says:
Except you probably won’t end up much more big and brawny… since muscle weighs more than “fat” tissue. Sorry to burst your bubble. But at least you might have some follow through if anyone challenges you to a race or something!
anon4him says:
I love how funny you are! And who knows, maybe every ounce of the 8 1/2 pounds is pure muscle
Pretty soon you’ll be so buff we won’t be able to recognize you!
Elizabeth Ingram Schindler says:
I hate to ruin what you’ve got going here, but I was a student and colleague of Stanley Hauerwas at Duke Divinity School, and I am certain that he is well over five feet tall. Not a giant, mind you, but not nearly so small as you’ve described.
Shaun Groves says:
Really?? Well, I’ve never met the guy. My impression is based on testimonials from those who have. But never a student. An actual student. So, if you say the man isn’t miniature, then, by golly I stand corrected. And I’m still sure I stand taller than him. From the youtube videos out there I’m pretty sure the man’s not taller than 6’ 2”. So, what I’m saying is, I can still take him. Therefore, I have more credibility as a pacifist.
Thanks for the firsthand testimony concerning Mr. Hauerwas’ stature, Elizabeth. Thanks for stopping by.
shaunfan says:
Congrats Shaun on the weight gain. Look out Gerard Butler…
Seriously, sounds like the diet and exercise are working well.
Take care,
Kevin
Shaun Groves says:
Thanks, Kevin.
feather says:
i appreciate your sarcasm. I’ve seen those ‘beefy’ vegan bodybuilders at Animal Rights events. I was very impressed at the muscle mass they aquired without an cholesterol and saterated fats, not to mention the added hormones, antibiotics & pesticides. They look great! I learned a lot about how pro-athletes are usually vegan anyway, especially olympians. It’s encouraging to all of us that so many impressive people, most famous, are breaking those ‘hippy’ stereotypes. I belong to several vegan groups and we rarely see that ‘type’. We’re all healthy, happy and productive members of society. No one would ever suspect, without looking closely, that we’re promoters of non-violence toward all beings. The trend toward a healthier way of life for Americans is moving along steady and strong. I’ve seen leaps and bounds in that direction in the past few years; classrooms, churches (SDA’s always had it, but UU’s are catching up from their environmental stances), restaurants and public event facilities. It’s our government that’s slow to respond to societies wants and needs. Oh well. Welcome to America! Rich and stupid.