It All Just Points To Polygamy

Every night this week I’m driving an hour to backwoods Tennessee to play a few songs and hang out with twenty high schoolers from our church.  It’s youth camp.  Dinner and clean-up and bath time and bed time routines are all Becky’s this week.  And on top of all this she’s not feeling real great.

I walked in last night around nine thirty and there she sat, legs crossed in a big chair, already in her pajamas, headphones on, pumping Night Ranger (for the love of God) into her head and reading emails.  She slipped the phones off her ears and let them plop in her lap. “I just want to curl up in a ball in my bed and do nothing,” she said.

We talked about the schedule for today and the rest of the week, about what time I’d be at camp again tonight, about who will take this kid here and that kid there, about the weekend run of shows that’ll take me away for three days.  We made a plan for how I could help her out, when she could get away to run errands or work-out or savor some sweet tea by her lonesome.  And then she concluded, as she often does, “It all just points to polygamy.”

Some background, perhaps, is needed for this statement.

It all began a few years back when, like all husbands are wont to do, I was wont to make-out with Becky more often than Becky was wont and/or able to make-out with me.  And I ask you, is there a woman with multiple small children whose libido is always equal to that of her husband?  I think such a woman is a mythological creature and if she doth exist monuments should be erected in her honor and currency minted in her likeness.  Also, Becky, with only one child at the time, was beginning to miss personal space and free time and little things like using the bathroom and showering.  Also, she missed sleep.  Also, the addition of one child to our home doubled the laundry in our hamper and tripled the time spent buying and preparing food.  Also, she didn’t talk to adults much.

So, my wife thought out loud, much to my surprise, that her dilemma might best be solved by polygamy.  Father Abraham, she reasoned, may have had multiple wives not only because he was originally from the very pagan nation of Babylon, but because it’s just plain practical.  She wished – again, out loud – that there was a wife in our house who was a master chef, and another who was an incredible teacher and playmate for our child, and another who actually enjoyed cleaning and all of them could talk to her.  Then, she said, she and I could sleep in and spend our days just hanging out together.  And, because the workload would be shared by all the wives, she would have plenty of energy left over for making out with me.  Everyone wins.

She was joking, of course.

I thought.

Until we went to her parents’ house for Christmas later that year.  Her dad’s a smart guy; he’s got a doctorate in God or something from a fancy shmancy seminary.  So, just making your usual after-Christmas-Eve dinner conversation, she asked him where it says in the bible that polygamy should stop. She laid out her case: In the Old Testament, polygamy was fine, even encouraged, as was the husband having sex with all the wives.  And the maidservants too. God was building a nation in those days and he promised Abraham it would be as populated as the beach is with sand and the heavens are with stars.  That required a lot of copulation, a lot of wives, and that meant a lot of mouths to feed and laundry to wash and bottoms to stick in time out.  Thus, lots of wives.  Furthermore, she argued, women and men have biologically mismatched sex drives. It’s as if God made men for multiple wives.

She ended her rant by asking her smart dad once again why polygamy’s not something Christians kept from Judaism (The Muslims kept it you know?).  And he laughed.  When he realized she was half serious, he just said, “The pope.”

So there it is: A guy with a funny hat in Rome is the only thing standing between my wife and some relaxation.  And we’re not even Catholic.

Think about it moms.  Think about how exhausted you are.  The more you think about it the more brilliant my wife becomes. It all points to polygamy.


DISCLAIMER: The views of Becky Groves are not necessarily the views of Shaun Groves or anyone affiliated with Shaun Groves.  Shaun Groves does not advocate polygamy.  Shaun Groves believes in the union of one man and one woman and all the other stuff good Christians should believe and never question or even think about questioning.