You Knew I’d Talk About It Eventually

I got an e-mail that said, and I’m paraphrasing here: So, Shaun I read about how you guys handle the Santa thing and I was wondering what you think about Halloween then.

So, here goes, some bulleted thoughts on the topic:

1. Why does anyone care what I think about anything, Halloween included?  Flattered, but seriously.  I’m just like you, man.  I wake up and put my pants on one leg at a time just like you…only then my pants and I go to the studio and make hit records…and ask my neighbors for candy.

2. I dressed up for Halloween as a kid – a clown, a mummy, C3PO – and thought nothing of it.  Until this one Halloween when, somehow, I don’t know how, I accidentally joined a cult and started talking backwards and stuff.  Weird.  I thought about Halloween then.  Yep, when I got out of the reprogramming center I thought I should run track.  I’m skinny.  I’m white.  It’s what we do.  Let’s see those cult guys catch me next year. That’s what I thought.  Almost exactly.  And now I’m a Christian soft rock star so, yea, that pretty much worked.

3. Candy corns are yummy.

4. Sweet Tarts are yummy.

5. Jesus tracts are not yummy.

6. Santa Clause is not real but Hannah Montana, Batman and angels pretty much are, so my kids are celebrating those this Halloween…and candy corns and Sweet Tarts.  But not Jesus tracts.

7. James Dobson and Marilyn Manson both trick-or-treated as children.  They both loved Satan candy corns and Sweet Tarts.

8. Homeschooling families in the southeastern United States are not allowed to observe Halloween…after one full year of home schooling.  Shew.  We’re good to go.  Next year we’ll argue that we’re not “observing,” we’re full on participating.  If that doesn’t work we’re moving to Canada, which may or may not have Sweet Tarts and candy corns but does have Shania Twain and bacon – both yummy.

9. I moved to the buckle of the bible belt for one reason: Day after Halloween sales are all mine.  No competition for the half priced caldron and pumpkin lights at Spencers on November first now.

10. Dressing as somebody or something you’re not, walking around in the dark until you can’t feel your feet and hands, demanding free stuff from adults without saying “please,” and going to bed vibrating from a near lethal dose of refined sugar and Blue #5 is fun.